Hi,
My comments##
Sorry it's so late.
## Overall: Wonderful story.
Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 15:32:22 -0600 (CST)
From: Colleen Leah Morgan <gally@cs.utexas.edu> | Block address
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma] [Dark] Olvido part 1
This is the teaser plus continuation. Thanks to all who encouraged me,
and
extra special thanks to Mr. Seifert who has provided great help and
insight. Any additional C&C would be appreciated.
Olvido
"There's a hole in my heart as big as my heart." -X
Akane gasped and sat up in her bed, eyes straining to see her
nightmare visions come to life. Her lips were half twisted into
a name, a name that evaporated into the air. A chill touched her
nape and she slid back beneath the sheets. Sleep was long in
coming.
## O_O GOOD beginning. Excellent. Grabs the
reader.
+++
Akane looked up from her breakfast for the third time. She was
sure that Kasumi was watching her, but she couldn't quite catch her at
it. Nabiki pushed back her bowl and snatched her books as she ran out
the door. Something tugged at Akane's memory.
"Where is Nabiki going?" Soun's newspaper twitched and
Kasumi gently put her chopsticks down. They exchanged a look
then Kasumi smiled sunnily.
"She's going to school, Akane-chan."
"Why can't I go?" Kasumi's smile faded a little bit.
##Ohhh, VERY good. A normal day mixed with something strange.
"You are very sick, Akane."
"Oh." Akane thought about this for a little while, then
shrugged and left the table. She could almost hear the birds singing outside,
and the koi would want some company. She smiled. Fish couldn't get lonely.
+++
"Moshi Moshi!"
"Doctor Tofu?"
"Ah, hello, Kasumi. How is everything today?"
"Oh, Doctor, I'm worried. She asked about school today."
"Has she shown any other signs?"
"No."
"It should be fine, then. How are you holding up?"
"It's very hard, Doctor. She smiles sometimes, and it's almost
like before. But most of the time she sits and stares, or pads around
the house aimlessly. I caught her up the in attic one day, looking at
mother's wedding kimono..."
"You can't live like this forever, Kasumi. There are places
that have people trained to deal with her kind of problems,"
"No."
"Just let me give you their number, we can check,"
##Excellent dialogue to this point. However::
"Just let me give you their number, we can check,"
doesn't quite fit IMO. It's a little ambiguous and choppy.
IMO::
"Just let me give you their number."
Would be sufficient. OR expand just a bit.
"No."
"I understand."
"..."
"K-Kasumi, I'd like to talk to you about it sometime. M-May I
take you to lunch?"
"I really can't..."
"It wouldn't be anything at all, please Kasumi..."
##A few minor problems, IMO.
1) "I understand."
Ummm , mysterious is fine. This is a bit much. At least give the reader
some idea of what Tofu is thinking. Have him sigh over the phone. Use a
pregnant
pause. _something_ to break up the naked dialogue.
2) What is "..." and who or what is doing it? ^_^
3) "It wouldn't be anything at all, please Kasumi..."
Is unclear to me. Perhaps ::
"It would just be a meal . . ."
OR
"You need to get out of the house . . ."
OR
something that expands a bit on what "It" is.
"Who would watch her?"
"Well, where is she now?"
"...."
##???? There's that "...." again. ^_^
"Kasumi?"
"Oh. Oh dear, Akane..."
"Kasumi? Kasumi?! Are you there? Kasumi!"
##Good overall. IMO you've got a little too much
naked dialogue sitting out there. Just a _tiny_ bit
more description. And I _think_ that second "...." might
work. the first is very ambiguous IMO. I'd try to replace both of them if
possible but certainly the first "...."
+++
A lone figure stood next to a snow-covered drift. The yard was
desolate, the one tree left standing was twisted and black, twigs
seeping through the winter sky like thin lines of poison through
curdled milk. The figure was shivering, her flannel pajamas plastered to
her by
wind and wet. Her eyes remained fixed on the small shadow in front of
her.
##VERY nice description.
However when I read "A lone figure" I had a flash of the
William Tell Overture and started looking for a white horse. ^_^
IMO I'd play with variations. Example::
The slight form stood
The lonely figure
A lone shape
Also, "her flannel", "to her", Her eyes", "in front of her"
IMO too many _her_ in a row. I'd rewrite to eliminate this.
VERY good as it stands but a bit rough.
There weren't any fish, or any grass or leaves. There was a
rock, but it wasn't in the right place. It looked like it had been ripped
out, like a tooth, and left on its side. The girl's bottom lip began
to twitch and contort.
##Ummmm, this is a bit much. IMO "tremble" would
be better.
The wind yowled in her ears, and suddenly
she couldn't take any more. She couldn't run, she could only cradle
her head in her hands and try to shut out the noise, shut it all
out, find him...
##Good. IMO you might try a re-write of the very last sentence.
It's good but a _little_ over done. (just a tad)
Try::
She couldn't run, she could only cradle her dead in her hands and try
to shut it out. Shut it all out.
(The real problem, IMO, is "find him". You either need more
or less in this passage. It seems unbalanced as it stands.)
Arms suddenly wrapped around her from behind. Akane smiled,
then frowned.
##Unbalanced again. IMO there needs to be a little something
to indicate why Akane is frowning. IMO it's because she
expecting someone else (^_^) but THEN realizes it's NOT who
she wants it to be and frowns. Just but in a hint of what it is
that clues Akane in OR a little of her mental processes. Let the
reader see a little more of what is going on in the external environment
OR a little of what is going on in her head. Not much, just enough
to make the transition from smile to frown not so abrubt.
"Akane, you're freezing, your hands and feet are almost
blue!" Kasumi started to tug the shivering child toward the comfort
of the house. A little bit of tea and she'd be fine, then everything
would be okay again...
"Kasumi, something's happened. The pond...the pond." Tracks of
tears were freezing on Akane's cheeks. Kasumi stopped abruptly.
"Oh, Akane, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She drew the cold little
girl into her arms and felt the familiar sting of self-loathing. Tea wasn't
enough. Nothing was enough.
##I like this. I'm not sure about "self-loathing" Of course Kasumi may
have reason to "loath" herself. I'd think "self-doubt" would be better.
However "self-loathing" seems a bit incongruous at this point.
If you want loathing perhaps a little build up to show WHY?
IMO the pace and timing of the story are near-perfect as it stands
and you should NOT take this approach. IMO change loathing.
Two figures stood against the wind and wished for summer.
##Nice. Very, very nice.
+++
The door creaked slightly as Kasumi entered, holding a small
platter. Akane shifted slightly in her sleep and sighed. The tall girl
carefully placed the platter on the nightstand, and scanned the room
for disorder. Last year, the room had been in shambles, blood stained the
sheets, the rug, the splintered bedposts. But now the room was back in
order, with the exception of a guilty cardboard box under Kasumi's bed.
A box that contained the unremarkable mementos of a teenaged girl in
love.
##LIKE "guilty box"
You've used "disorder" and "order". IMO change one of them.
Kasumi picked the hypodermic needle up from the platter. With
practiced ease, she slowly squirted a small amount of the liquid from
the needle, clearing it of air bubbles. Softly humming to herself, she
lifted the covers and exposed Akane's arm. A permanent purple bruise had
formed there, and she pierced the heart of it, pushing for the tired vein that
would rush the chemicals through Akane's heart and into her brain,
where...
##^_^ Good.
(She'd better start looking for another vein. That one
looks like it's on the verge of collapse. ^_^
"Kasumi?" She froze, syringe half-emptied. A terrible dread
filled her as she looked into her sister's face. Akane's pupils were as wide
as dinner plates. Her sister had never woken up for her medication
before. Seconds lurched by, and Kasumi felt her heart racing.
##Good. but don't stop "half-emptied" If Akane jerks she could break
the needle off in her arm. NOT good. (Of course you could work
this worry into the story. )
"Kasumi, where is he?" she managed to stutter out, before the
drugs held her completely in thrall. Kasumi flinched slightly, needle
coming out of her fingers to shatter on the floor next to Akane's bed.
##IMO "mumble" or �whisper" might be better than stutter. I'd play
with several different words.
Not the needle but syringe will shatter.
+++
"Au matin j'avais le regard si perdu et la contenance si motte, que
ceux que j'ai recontres ne m'ont peutetre pas vu." -Rimbaud
##IMO put the number of the end note beside these.
I panicked for a bit wondering how long it was going
to take me to translate using on-line dictionaries. ^_^
Akane woke up counting. She could tell it was going to be a
wonderful day.
"1-2-3-4" She hummed the numbers, making them into her own
special song. "5-6-7-8" Numbers were definitely her friends. They could tell
her what day it was when her sister didn't want to say. "9-10-11-12" Move
the desk that only she could manage and find could tell her what day it was
when her sister didn't want to say. "9-10-11-12" Move the desk that
only she could manage and find the scratches in the paint on the
wall. "13-14-15-16" Stingy sister, trying to keep all the numbers to
herself. "17-18-19!" Yes, today was the day. Akane carefully scratched
a straight line next to all of the others. Just like a parade! Yes, today
was good enough for a parade. All the lines danced for a moment,
inviting her closer examination, but she shook her head and moved the desk
back
into place.
##VERY nice. Conveys a perfect sense of oddness
verging on madness.
(a couple of "typo's"??? where segments
seem to be repeated. {"Move the desk"} There was one earlier but I thought it
was _my_ word processor and corrected w/o making a notation.)
A good morning stretch just wasn't the same without the
sunshine,so Akane flung open her curtains and...what was this? A pair of
bloodshot eyes under a shag of blue-black hair greeted her. A tiny squeak of
dismay escaped from her throat, and she drew her hand up to her mouth. The
person did the same. Akane breathed out a sigh of relief, but drew it back in
quickly. This was her? It was wrong, she wasn't skinny, her mouth
wasn't so white, her hair was short, not long and shaggy. A shaking hand
touched the image. No. This would not do.
##Hmmmm, This segment is a little hard to read. The "what was this?"
is a little . . .off. Also, is it a "good morning, stretch" or a good,
morning stretch"?
Try::
Akane flung open her curtains and jerked back in surprise at the
strangely pale face in the window, sunken blood shot eyes. Her hand
went to her throat and the stranger copied her actions.
The difference it the action is a little more direct. There are
several ways to do this. Improves the readability and smooths the action.
Kasumi frowned at the cooling dish at Akane's place. Father had
already gone into the yard to tend the bonsai, and Nabiki had long
since run to school.
##IMO you need a separator to indicate the transition from Akane's room
to Kasumi.
"Akane-chan?" No answer. "AKANE!" Her frown deepened. She stood
facing the wooden duck, willing herself not to relive another of her
fateful entrances into this room.
##How did she get to the door? I thought she (and Akane's plate)
were downstairs at the dining table. Or was she standing in front of the door
holding the plate all the time? It's a little unclear.
Kasumi silently asked her mother for
strength, then opened the door. In the middle of the room sat Akane
with a pair of safety scissors poised over her head. Hair covered the floor
like an exotic carpet. Akane smiled and lopped off another lock. Kasumi felt
like adding a few clumps of her own hair to the mess. She sighed and
closed her eyes.
"Whatcha doin', sis?" The scissors fell to the ground,
forgotten in her curiosity.
"Counting, Akane-chan." There was a moment of silence, then she
felt a hand grip her arm.
"What numbers?" Kasumi's eyes blinked open and she regarded her
sister, covered with hair, like some kind of animal.."What
NUMBERS?" Akane's grip on her arm got tighter and suddenly Kasumi
remembered bricks broken, people flying through the air, him flying
through the air...
##Very nice. I like what you've done with the number's theme.
"Akane, I was just trying to stay calm." A light went out of
Akane's eyes, and her hand dropped back to her side.
"Oh. Not mine."
"Now may I help you with your hair? It must have been hard
without a mirror." Kasumi remembered, too late, that Akane's mirror had been
shattered on that day. She quickly scanned her sister's face for a
reaction, but there wasn't one.
"Please, Kasumi-chan." It was almost normal. An older sister
helping her younger sister out. Almost. Kasumi sighed and ushered her
sister into the bathroom, but not before Akane could steal a look back
at her desk. And her numbers.
##Need another transition or indicator. perhaps ****** to separate the
sections.
"Daddy!" Soun poised the shears over the last branch of the
bonsai and prepared himself to face his youngest. He was so tired. Too many
ghosts. He sighed and looked up at the girl. His hand snapped the
shears together convulsively, ruining the bush.
"Akane! You...your hair!" Akane beamed a smile at him. For a
second it was as if he had gone back in time, back to when that smile
meant something and the fire of hope still burned bright in his chest.
But a closer examination showed him the thinness of her arms, the circles
under her eyes. A haircut couldn't give him his daughter back. A shadow
crossed over Akane's countenance, and Soun braced himself. She bent
over and picked up the severed branch.
"Daddy, it's all lopsided now."
"Perfection in imperfection, daughter. That seems to be the way
of our Art."
"Just like he was, right?" Soun felt his heart turn over.
"W-who do you mean, sweetheart?"
"Oh, nobody." Soun let it pass; any further conversation might
goad her memory even more. He decided to change the subject.
##Ummm, "Oh, nobody" doesn't quite fit the persona you have developed
for Akane. It seems to banal and abrupt.
"Why don't you get a few flowers for Kasumi?"
"Why? Are we having guests?"
"The old ones are wilted and dead, Akane." Soun turned back to
the bonsai.
##IMO just :: The old ones are dead, Akane"
OR
"Dea dead dead." she agreed. "Wilted and dead Akane."
Just to keep the alliteration. ^_^
"Dead dead dead!" she agreed. "Dead Akane, dead dead!" He
whirled around to face his daughter, a slow chill working his way up his
spine. But she was already half way up the path, skipping cheerfully.
##Perhaps "singing cheerfully"?
OR
"singing cheerfully as she skipped up the path."
Again, play with it a bit to see how it works out.
+++
Nabiki hated Saturdays.
She picked up her purse and her coat and headed for the door.
The silence around the lunch table was too much today, and she wanted to
see her friends as much as she could before college. College, it was such a
heavenly word. Nabiki had resented her father for running away from his
problems, but now she understood at least a little bit. A little part
of her died each time she looked into Akane's eyes. Today had been
especially bad: Akane had done something to her hair and Kasumi cut it back
to the
way it had been. Before. Nabiki pulled on her shoes and was out the
front door, not bothering to announce her departure. Before was such a tricky
word. It implies there has to be an After. She paused at the front
gate, glancing back at the quiet house. After. What happened to the "Happily
Ever" part?
##Very nice. Especially the "Happily Ever" bit.
A deep sigh escaped her lips and she touched the gate handle,
only to have it pulled from her hands. Startled, she found herself facing a
wide chest. Nabiki's hand flew to her throat and her heart was suddenly
thundering in her ears. A martial artist's chest.
"Nabiki-san, I'm sorry!"
"Ryoga-kun." Stupid, she thought. Stupid, stupid. "What are you
doing here?"
He looked at the decrepit flowers in his hand. It would be easy
to just wander off again. How many times had he tried that, and how many
times did he find himself staring at that same gate? It was like a
goddamn beacon burned into his brain. He couldn't find his own house, yet here
he was, night after night, haunting this gate like a ghost...
##IMO the "goddamn" is unnecessary and even hinders the flow
of the story. I appreciate what you are trying to do. However
I think it's counter productive. OTOH it's worth trying different
combinations of explatives in different positions for effect.
"Ryoga-kun? Are you all right?" His eyes were drawn to hers,
then down to the flowers again.
"Y-yes. Yes."
"We haven't seen you for a year; what have you been up to?"
Ryoga almost shrieked with laughter. Staring at your gate, he wanted
to yowl. His jaw clenched convulsively. "Lost. I've been lost." He cleared
his throat. "Is Akane here?"
## "shrieked with laughter" and "yowl" are a little much.
IMO::
Staring at your gate
OR perhaps
Staring at your goddam gate, he wanted to shout. His jaw clenched
conculsively.
"Lost. I've been lost."
Nabiki looked away and sighed. Old faces didn't mean old
times. "Yes. She's inside." She hugged her coat closer to herself and
felt the cold breeze whisper through her hair. "But I have to leave."
##Try::
She's inside.
Leave off the "Yes", since telling Ryouga "She's inside" answers his
question. Not a _big_ difference but IMO the more abrupt answer
heightens the tension.
"Oh, good-bye, Nabiki-san." But she was already gone.
Ryoga shrugged and trudged toward the house, throwing the flowers to
one side. The stems were ripped and broken from his fists. Only good for
that one thing, but not good enough, he thought sourly.
##A little too ambiguous. Since I'm not sure what Ryouga means
I can't make a specific recommendation.
+++
When you hate yourself, everything is clearer,
Nothin' changes and it never will. -Cub
Kasumi looked up from brushing her sister's hair. "Daddy, would you
get the door?" But Akane was already up from her seat and rushing toward
the door. "Akane! No!" She never hurt any of them, but most neighbors and
sales people knew better than to go to that "crazy Tendo house." Some
even whispered about a family curse. Kasumi wondered about that herself
sometimes.
##Perhaps a slight change in emphasis::
"Akane! No!" The neighbors knew better than to go to "that crazy Tendo house."
She never hurt any of them but . . .some even whispered about a family curse."
OR
She never hurt anyone but the neighbors still whispered about that "crazy
Tendo girl".
Others talked about a curse.
The door flew open and Ryoga found himself face to face with the
youngest Tendo. Her brown eyes lit up and she jumped into his arms, holding
him
close to her. She was so small and warm, some faraway part of his brain
thought. Why had he waited so long? His arms wrapped around
her; everything was going to be fine. No more nights in front of the
gate, he was inside now.
Akane suddenly thrust him away from her and kissed his nose. "P-chan,
where have you been?" His eyes went wide and wild, then up to the eyes
of a figure standing behind Akane. The grim brown eyes of Kasumi Tendo.
She closed her eyes and shook her head. Akane pulled him inside. "You must
be so hungry, P-chan!"
Kasumi closed the door behind him. Yes, probably a curse.
##^_^ I like it. I'm not sure about "grim brown eyes"
Again, I'd play with this one just to see what happens.
+++
Ryoga was in hell.
That was the only explanation his mind could find. Akane had dutifully
fed him, then dragged him up into her room, where she was now cooing over
him like a good pet owner. He had tried to speak twice, each time
confronted with an odd look from Akane, who then went back to her cooing over
P-chan. Kasumi had given him a slightly accusatory look, then gone back into
the kitchen.
##Very, very good.
Not sure about "accusatory". OTOH I'm not sure about a replacement either.
"P-chan, I have a secret!" Akane's declaration brought him out of his
dark train of thought. She patted him on the head and walked over to her
desk. His heart went cold when he saw how her pajamas hung on her once
sleek and muscled body. Where was his Akane? He recalled that fateful
night, carrying what he thought to be her corpse off the mountain. Even
all the blood had not compared to the horror of seeing her now.
She pushed aside the desk and smiled at him. The hollows in her cheeks
and under her eyes were ghost-like. Maybe that was a dead body he had
recovered, clutched close to him, just like the doll she had been so
shortly before. He shook the thought away.
##Nice imagry. A tiny bit clunky. Could use a little polishing.
"See, numbers!" She pointed at the lines in the plaster, organized in
wavering groups of five. The first few were tinted brown. Blood, Ryoga
realized. He winced. Akane smiled angelically. In her smile was the
echo of the rumbling boulders, a mountain being shaken and brought down, an
inhuman yowl of hate and loss.
##Very good. I'm not sure about "yowl". Reminds me of cats on a fence. ^_^
"These first were hard to remember." Akane pointed to the first few
sets. "They go five, ten, fifteen, twenty." The figure had risen
unexpectedly behind the pair on the rock. It seemed like an eternity to
Ryoga, watching his pigtail whip around to face the god. Enough time to
whisper something to Akane and kiss her on the cheek. The god was
blazing white heat, dwarfing the silouhettes in front of him.
##I'd change one of the "god" or "figure" to Saffron.
Example::
The god had risen
OR
Saffron had risen
OR
A figure had risen (I like "A figure" better than "the figure" in this
instance.)
to face the god" is very good. I'd leave that one.
Finally::
Saffron was blazing white heat
"Then the numbers became my friends. Hundred, hundred-five,
hundred-ten." He laid her gently down on the broken rock, wrapped in
his own shirt. The only colors in the world were white, black, and red. Too
much red.
##The transition is a little confusing. Very abrupt segue from Akane
speaking to
Ryouga thinking? If that is Ryouga. OR is Akane recalling something Ranma did?
"But then there were so many of them. They were a little scary
sometimes. Two-hundred fifty, two-hundred fifty-five, two-hundred
sixty." He had turned and faced the god. So small, Ryoga thought. But
then his aura flared into life, a bright blue pillar stretching up into the
heavens, piercing through the white blaze like sky through heavy cloud
cover.
##Very nice. Segue with Ryoga still a little rough.
Perhaps just change the spacing.::
"But then there were so many of them. They were a little scary
sometimes. Two-hundred fifty, two-hundred fifty-five, two-hundred
sixty."
He had turned and faced the god. So small, Ryoga thought. But
then his aura flared into life, a bright blue pillar stretching up into the
heavens, piercing through the white blaze like sky through heavy cloud
cover.
<SNIP> some very nice dialogue. Just needs work with the transitions.
Again, perhaps just change the spacing.
He felt two hands cup his face, and was startled to see her brown eyes
glossy with tears. "Three-hundred and sixty-five, P-chan." Slowly her
eyes blinked and two trails of tears surged down her cheeks. They were clear
when she re-opened them. "Not P-chan. Ryoga." He braced for an impact
that never came. He felt her hands start to shake. "Ryoga, where is Ranma?"
##IMO a minor change::
They were clear when she re-opened them. " Ryoga?" He braced for an impact
that never came. He felt her hands start to tremble. "Where is Ranma?"
(Change "shake" to "tremble". I thought at first she was shaking Ryouga.
Of course if she is, leave "shake". ^_^)
+++
Y cada herida tiene
la forma de tu boca. -Pablo Neruda
The night had come slowly, sun tilting over the fence in maddening
fractions. Nabiki was still out, Soun was pretending to read a paper,
Akane and Ryoga were upstairs in her room, and this left Kasumi with
open hands.
##Not sure about "open hands" OTOH don't want to use
"empty hands" and "face empty" Still, play with it a bit.
"open hands" sounds a little strange.
She leaned wearily against the kitchen counter, shoulders
slumped and face empty. In her apron pocket there was a number written on a
scrap of paper. A number she hadn't wanted to even think about, an
abomination from Dr. Tofu. But she found herself touching it, caressing it
between
her fingers. He was only trying to help, and she was just so tired. Perhaps
it would be better for Akane to be out of the house, away from all the
memories that Kasumi was hard pressed to conceal. She touched the
phone, then drew her hand away from it sharply, as if burned. Mother. What
would mother think if she just gave up on her youngest? What could she say to
her shrine, 'Mom, I just sent your darling Akane to the looney bin?'
##Good. IMO change::
�Mother, I just sent our Akane to an institution.'
I think Kasumi would think of Akane as hers as well since she's
raised her. Or just say "I just sent Akane"
Mother sounds more like Kasumi and "looney bin"
sounds very UN-like her. ^_^
No. That wouldn't do. She shoved the scrap back into her pocket and
instead opened the cabinet above the sink. The vial of medicine
gleamed darkly from the shadows. Akane had only received a half-dose yesterday
and it led to all these troubles, with the haircut, and now Ryoga's visit.
##IMO add something about not sending Akane to strangers.
After all Kasumi seems willing to inject her sister with what seems to be
a very powerful psychotropic drug. Not a major point. Just a little nit-pick.
Kasumi drew a fresh syringe from the specialized container and popped
the top off. She would be sure to give Akane the full dose today, then
everything could go back to normal. At times, she almost liked Akane
that way. So childish and playful, it was like before Mother died. She
filled the syringe and laid it on the tray. It really was for the best.
##Hmmmm, now is Kasumi studying with Dr. Tofu or Dr. Jekyll.
^_^
+++
Ryoga could hear the soft footsteps coming up the stairs, but he
was powerless: face held in Akane's hands, her eyes desperately
pleading an explanation. But what could he tell her? Didn't she already
know? Couldn't she guess? How in the world was he going to tell her
that his rival, her fiance, was, was...
IMO better to leave it at::
But what could he tell her?
Leave the rest to the readers imagination.
"Akane! What are you doing to that poor boy?" Their heads snapped
in unison toward the tower of exasperated fury, Akane's older sister.
Ryoga had never seen her in such a state, long brown hair sprouting
untidily from her pony tail, apron stained, eyes so red and tired.
Akane jumped back, slamming herself into the misplaced desk. A small
wail escaped from her mouth as she tried to shield her precious count
of days from Kasumi. Kasumi charged forward and seized Akane's wrist.
"What is this? Just what exactly is this?" Kasumi glared back and
forth from the wall to the face of her shrinking sister. Ryoga stood up, but
the girls were oblivious to him. He clenched his fists and desperately
wished for a power to somehow make everything all right. Something
he could say, something he could do to make it all better.
##Nice description. I'm not sure why Kasumi is furious.
If you want to keep that it needs a little explaining. Seems a very
strange emotion. Not impossible, but the reason for her fury needs
to be shown to the reader. At least a little of the reason.
"It's her numbers." The voice was his, but he really couldn't remember
saying the words. Kasumi glanced over her shoulder at him.
"Her what?" She shook her head as if to clear it, Akane's wrist still
firmly in her hand. "Ryoga, I think it's time for you to go home now."
Ryoga looked into her face, sheer terror drying his mouth. The gate.
How could anyone be so cruel as to resign him back to the gate? He
felt tears of frustration forming in his eyes. A sudden movement
aborted their progress. Akane yanked her wrist free, having caught
sight of the tray with the needle held firmly in Kasumi's other hand.
##Good. Ryoug's terror needs a little explaining.
"Kasumi-oneechan, I don't want it! Please don't make me!" Akane's face
was pale beyond her seclusion. She pressed her back against the wall,
fingers furiously tracing her only hope, those thin lines in the
plaster. Ryoga thought she looked like a blind woman desperately searching for
an answer in braille.
"Akane, just calm down, it's bedtime. It will all be better in the
morning." Kasumi's kind words belied the tension in her shoulders and
face. Akane slid down the wall to sit in a ball on the floor.
"Please, no. I'm okay, Oneechan. I really am. I won't cause any more
problems." Her words were fast and frantic, searching her sister's face
for any sign of relenting. Kasumi continued to advance on her, needle
now in hand. Akane chanced a pleading look at Ryoga, who was frozen
to his spot in sad horror.
"This is for your own good, Akane. You'll feel much better
afterwards."
Kasumi closed the distance, and Ryoga thought he could see a gleaming
drop of liquid on the tip of the needle. Akane suddenly shrieked and
dove between Kasumi's legs, knocking her down in the process. Kasumi
fell badly, wrenching one of her ankles. Akane got up to run and plowed
into Ryoga. His arms automatically wrapped around her and he could
feel her shaking against him. A dam burst and she was crying, crying
violently, so much so that Ryoga was afraid she'd rip herself apart
from the sobs wracking her body. He held her close, as close as the
day on the mountain when he was sure he'd die of heartbreak. He had
tried his hardest to keep what he thought was her corpse safe, but
the rocks had come down and new bruises and weals appeared on her
pale skin. More blood and more horror; he had blacked out himself
during the final barrage of the guts of the mountain. When he woke up he found
himself crouched over her, buried in rubble, the few pinpoints of light
illuminating her perfect face. At that moment, and now with her in his
arms once again, he felt that maybe it would have been better to stay
buried.
Buried. After all, that's what Ranma wanted, wasn't it? Only to be
buried with his slain love. I couldn't even give him that, Ryoga
thought. Instead, here we are. The room suddenly rose around him in
high relief. The slightly rumpled bed, the desk shoved aside, scratches on
the wall, last rays of a bleak afternoon gone now, replaced with a murky
winter night, too cloudy to even see the stars. Kasumi rubbing her
ankle with one hand, holding the needle determinedly in the other, her fall
not breaking her desire for normlacy. Akane against his chest murmuring a
litany of denials. Yes, better left buried.
"Please don't let her." His sense of surreality was replaced by her
big
brown eyes, begging him to comply. "I want to remember. Please help
me remember." He felt the dirt and rocks above him; would he bother
digging them out this time? Ryoga nodded. Akane's eyes filled with
gratitude and the beginnings of one of her radiant smiles before she
stiffened, her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed into him.
Kasumi pulled out the needle and gave him a weak smile.
"Thanks for holding her still for me." His mind reeled with shock and
fury and denial. "Now would you help me put her to bed?" He could
only numbly comply. Kasumi was out the door with her tray and needle
before he could react. His breath started coming in gasps. Akane's
face was still and white, tucked snugly into bed. A sudden pain stabbed
him in the gut and he doubled over, crouching next to her bed. Tears
that had threatened for so long finally spilled over his cheeks and
he shuddered with sobs. He had tried so hard. He really wanted to help.
But they were buried.
+++
Tray in the cupboard, needle in the special container Dr. Tofu so
kindly provided. Fix a midnight snack for Nabiki's return, check the amount
of rice for tomorrow's meal. Apron off and folded to go in the drawer,
but then she stopped.
##Why is Tofu is providing drugs which keep Kasumi from having to get
the outside help he's recommended for Akane? Needs just a few words of
explanation.
Kasumi stopped. Her hand was still on the apron. She smoothed the
front, feeling for the familiar crackle. There it was. She reached into
the pocket, then drew her hand out again. She closed her eyes then
forced her hand in and grabbed the scrap of paper. It was still the
same. Same name, same number. Still there. She traced the figures with
her eyes. And again. And again. And again, but this time they were
blurry. She brought it closer to her face, trying to decipher them, but
a fat drop fell onto the paper. Her arm fell limply to her side.
Kasumi stood alone in her dark kitchen.
--------
1) X- the punk band from LA, not the CLAMP creation.
2) In the morning I had a look so lost, a face so dead, that
perhaps those whom I met did not see me. -Rimbaud
3) And each wound has/the shape of your mouth -Pablo Neruda
##Overall:: Magnificent. A wonderfully spooky story so far.
_Perhaps_ some minor problems. Author is a tremendously able
wordsmith. Paints very vivid pictures with emotions
and scenery.
Keep up the good work.