My coments will be enclosed in square [ ] brackets. I for one would like
to see more of this piece, although I suspect a great many on the FFML are bored
with this type of story. This one appears to have two things in its favor: It is
well written with a good style and approaching Nerima from the standpoint of a
cupid like kami is a new one on me.
[First, let's get some spelling type stuff out of the way: Hibiki, instead of
Habiki, and Saotome, instead of Sautome, Kuonji, instead of Kyonji. Sooner or
later you will have to deal with the male Kuno, his first name is Tatewaki,
sometimes referred to as "Tachi," but usually only by his father, the principal
of Furinkan.]
I have to admit. I always thought this job was pretty easy.
Mortals have a lonely existence, it doesn�t take much to make them search out
the comfort of another. Just a little nudge or two. And bingo, love explodes like
a super nova.
[I suggest replacing the period after the word "two," and de-capitalizing the
following word, "and." Here is the alternative I would use, you be the judge:
"Just a little nudge, and bingo! Love explodes like a supernova."]
And I�d never had any trouble juggling jobs. One couple here, another there, true
love in a few days flat.
Then I got �the file�.
[I would capitalize "The File."]
It barely fit on my desk. And there were two names that seemed to keep
reappearing. Some town called Nerima. . .and a martial artist named Ranma
Sautome. I had a list of names that read like my death warrant. It didn�t start
off so bad of course, they like to easy you into it before they plow you over
with the train, you understand.
[I suggest replacing "easy" with "ease" and you can be plowed under or bowled
over, but plow you over clanks like a false coin for me.]
Kasumi Tendo: Possibly the sweetest, most unselfish person on the planet.
Flexible to almost any situation. A few unresolved issues about her mothers
death, but nothing a long talk with a man willing to listen wouldn�t help. She�d
make a great mom, and she already had some prospectives. One Dr. Tofu, local MD.
[I suggest replacing "prospectives" with "prospects," otherwise you should write
something like, "prospective partners" or "prospective husbands." ]
Nabiki Tendo: Love of money. Extreme love of money. A little blind to the
pain of others and willing to take advantage of the dimwitted, but nothing that
would kill anybody. Contributes money to the family bills, since father is out of
work. Sounds like an okay kid, no prospects though. She dates em for the �extras�
then leaves em in the dust. Heck, I don�t blame her. Possible romantic hidden
underneath her business image. Very hidden.
Akane Tendo: First Fiancee-
Now this is were they had me confused. I almost though for a moment they�d
sent me a harem case. Those can be a pain, getting a guy to fall in love with one
wife when he already has fifteen. I�ve had to drag some of these mortals kicking
and screaming into eternal bliss with the love of their lives. But I decided not
to stop to read the history report just yet. I was too interested. We don�t get
many family calls. Something had to be up with these Tendo girls that they were
all ready for love.
Akane Tendo: First Fiancee- Violent, tomboyish. But it had become more of a
habit recently, something she�d gotten stuck in do to circumstance. This girl was
definitely ready for love, she was just waiting for the right guy to come along
and make her feel like a woman. A romantic. She had two possibles. Her betrothed
(by parental decree) Ranma Sautome and one Ryouga Habiki, a friend, but then I�d
turned friends into much more thousands of times, and this Habiki kid had a thing
for her. . .
[I suggest re-arranging these this way: "First Fiancee: Akane Tendo. Viol..."]
Habiki?. . . .Now where had I heard that name? I racked my memory for a bit,
but I came up short. You can�t really blame me for that though. You try living
since the dawn of humanity and remember the name of one mortal.
Ukyou Kyonji: Second Fiancee-Okonomiyaki Chief and owner of Ucchan�s. Heavy
abandonment and self worth issues caused by being left behind at a young age by
her fiancee, one Ranma Sautome. . .
Two fiancees? How in the heck does a guy get stuck with two fiancee�s? Hmm. .
.
She seemed to be having trouble excepting her feminine side, and had fallen
for her fiancee the moment he told her she was cute. She had three possible
candidates, Ranma Sautome, Mousse and Ryouga Habiki. . .
[No hope for Konatsu?]
Habiki again. . .I tried for a moment to concentrate on the name again, but I
drew a blank. I was already beginning to dislike this Ranma guy. It sounded like
he was stringing her along, which would be bad for Miss Kyonji. Falling for him
the moment he told her she was cute? Sounded like she didn�t think she could get
anything better. I decided I�d find her better. I�d have to check out this Ryouga
guy and whoever this Mousse was, but there was no way I was gonna let her settle
for Ranma. And I was beginning to reconsider matching Akane with him. . .
[I had to read the last pair of sentences twice. I suggest combining them by
replacing the period between "Ranma" and "And," or rewording them both.]
Shampoo: Third Fiancee- Warrior of the Joketsuzoku Amazons. . .
They�d sent me another amazon. Why did they always send ME the amazons? I
sighed and kept reading.
Engaged to Ranma Sautome by right of Joketsuzoku law of battle.
Oh god. . .not those laws again. I HATED THOSE LAWS! I swear, when I get my
hands on the low level goddess who thought it was a good idea to start a warrior
tribe of women, I was gonna turn her into a monkey. They were so damn hard to get
around. Not one loophole. Kill or marry, one or the other. I�ve had to fake the
deaths of four humans just to get past those laws. Why, oh why did they send me
the amazons?
Loved by one Mousse of the Joketsuzoku amazon�s since childhood. There seemed
to be some feelings there, but they were hidden very deeply behind amazon
training and disdain for the weak. Mousse huh? Well I guess that cut him out for
Ukyou. Shampoo was by all records, spoiled and dominant as most traditional
amazons are, and this Ranma guy didn�t have a subservient bone his body. There
was a great grandmother and a whole bunch of laws to get around though. I had to
sigh again, this might just take up my whole week.
Kodachi Kuno:
I didn�t even get passed the name. They had given me the case of Kodachi
Kuno. . .The case every love god dreads. The house of Kuno was well known in our
area. It could take years, decades to find a suitable candidate for a Kuno. . .
I decided it was time to read the file. It took me a few hours. And by the
time I was done, I realized I�d just been hit by the train. But I didn�t have a
choice about it. According to the report the timelines were about to converge, a
decision had to be made now, or disaster would hit Nerima, and brake more than a
few hearts. And with this bunch, it might even kill a few people in the process.
[We need a comma after the word "report." I suggest ending that sentence with a
period after "converge," starting the next sentence with the particle "A."]
* * *
I�d been watching them for a few hours now, just following the action in my
Shadow form, a mere whisper of mist that seemed to hover nearby.
[I suggest working on this description a little more. It will be a good
investment in word count that would greatly clarify how Keyki operates. You are
asking entirely too much of one, poor little sentence.]
I have to admit, I was starting to feel sorry for this Ranma guy. In the
morning I had followed him he�d been attacked randomly by three men. A kendoist,
some kid in beat up cloths and a bandanna and a guy in white robes who didn�t
seem to be able to see a foot in front of him.
[Hah! Not such a bad morning for Ranma, really.]
And that wasn�t all of it. Since I�d been there two of Ranma�s fiancee�s had
shown up, which had resulted in a battle over who got to have lunch with him when
he�d made it clear he wanted to eat by himself. And then his third fiancee had
pulled out the largest mallet I�d ever seen in my life and belted him with it
just for �inspiring the fight�. And nobody seemed to think it was anything
strange. In fact that Nabiki kid was taking bets on who�d belt him first. They
had made it all seem so. . .normal.
[You earlier had Akane listed as the "First Fiancee, and here it appears you are
making her number three. Need a comma after the word "fact."]
I sighed as I followed Akane back home. They had all fallen into a routine.
Love-Hate, Love-Hate, pull out a mallet, Love-Hate.
[I suggest replacing the period after routine with a semi-colon. The second
sentence is not actually a proper sentence.]
I smiled as a pig-tailed martial artist rounded the corner, followed by a
scouring Akane Tendo. But with one little spark I was gonna change their routine.
["Scouring" is something one does to pots and pans, or in searching for
something. Could it have been that Akane was scowling? You have gotten into the
trap-habit, I do it to myself all the time, of starting sentences with a
conjunction. This is not always bad, particularly with conversational narrative,
but by now it begins to wear hard on the mind's ear. The second sentence could
have just as easily been written, "I was gonna change their routine with one
little spark", and it would read much better. ]
I waited until they walked side by side silently, each darting the other glances
when they weren�t looking. It was cute, that childlike attraction they seemed to
be trying to hold back. . .I waited until just the right moment, when their eyes
met. It was perfect, love finally realized at a glance, and it would start them
on the road to solving this whole fiancee mess. . .
[While I can sort of understand why Keyki is doing this, it would really help the
story if she explained her sudden change of heart vis a vis Ranma and Akane.
Earlier, she seemed ready to strip Ranma of all his fiancees and allow him to
proceed forwards into time as a contented, or perhaps not-so-contented bachelor.
Was it her observations of him and Akane together that caused this change of
heart on Keyki's part? If so, this measly little one line description of our
favorite, fractious pair's behavior hardly does the job of justifying her
decision.]
I reached out my hand and willed the flame to ignite between them.
Nothing.
My zapper just made a sick little sound and fizzed at me. I had to blink, that
had never happened to me before. . . I tried again, willing the power of all my
centuries behind it. My fingertips glowed a blinding white, but nothing happened.
The moment was gone, and Akane and Ranma walked on, their eyes never meeting
again.
[I suggest the following changes. Replace the comma after "blink" with a period.
Capitalize "that." Replace the ellipsis with a period, insert the word "it"
between "tried" and "again." Replace the comma after the word "gone" with a
period. Delete the following word, "and," starting the next sentence with
"Akane."]
"Having trouble Keyki?" A snide voice asked from behind me. I didn�t turn
around right away, telling myself if I believed it hard enough it wouldn�t be
true.
[I suggest insterting the word "that" between "myself" and "if." We need a comma
after the word "enough," with or without inserting the word, "that."]
It couldn�t be him. There was no way that I could run into him after all these
centuries. . .here. . .this day. . .working on this case. I took a moment to
compose myself silently and turned to face him.
[I suggest adding an adjective or two for the noun, "case." It is a difficult,
impossibly tangled affair, and who needs a visit from one's ex-whatever" while we
are in the middle of working on it?]
"What are you doing here?" I asked as lightly as possible. To tell the truth
I�d rather of run.
[Need a comma after the word "truth." Replace "of" with "have," or use a
contraction "rather've," instead of "have." My personal preference would be to
use the word "have." The reader will slur things together quite nicely on his or
her own without the author's help.]
He was the last person I wanted to see in the next few lifetimes. He was
aggravating. He was hateful. And as I took my first look at him in over a hundred
years, I realized he was still as handsome as ever. And he was my ex.
[By the way, which pantheon are we involved with here? Were this the Norse
Pantheon, you just described Loki.]
As a general commentary, I'd say the author should consider changing her
writing strategy a little. She is trying too hard to keep her word count down. I
do understand that brevity is the soul of wit, et cetera, et cetera, but one
tends to greatly hamper one's style while trying to be both creator and critic at
one and the same time. Write first! Edit second. You have a good piece going
here, but you appear to be holding yourself back a bit too much. Let the words
flow. You can always cut later, but before you can cut, you must have something
to delete. It is always easier to cut than it is to create, so do not stymie the
creative process to make Mrs. Smith, you ninth grade English teacher who still
hovers over the mind's shoulder, happy. She will not be grading this and we will
not be "grading it" until after you have done a preliminary edit.
I am looking forward to the next part of this little yarn. It is very charming.
Regards,
Don Granberry.
End Part 1