The writing on this one was pretty good, give or take a
few homonym problems and other typos, but I have some major
problems with the characterizations.
I second Gary on this. Good writing. I would hate to see this scrapped,
though, like any other reader, I have a list of recommended changes.
1) Tofu: <clip> Why the change? If this
is to be believable, you need to show us what his reasons were for his
previous behavior and what's causing him to make such a hundred and
eighty degree shift.
[Yes, well that gives a little room to play with Tofu's
character. Now I will agree that I was pushing the envelope
a bit, but it is nothing like some of the grotesqueries
I've seen made of the Tofu Ono character. He is not so much
trying to "run Ranma's life," as he is trying to heal a patient.
Gary's comment can be fairly simply addressed, just by throwing
out a few allusions to Tofu's "losing a patient to suicide" during
the "year back in medical school" he's just returned from. Gary
_is_ suggesting that you do add _something_, however.
If I get many more complaints on this issue I will pitch this thing
and start over. Takahashi uses Tofu primarily as a foil, I need him
to be a little more than that. He needs to be someone a group of
rough and rowdy Martial Artists can respect.
Don't "pitch this thing" because of "complaints". Just address the
issues raised. You've got a year or two of Tofu's background to
play with; fill in something which causes him to act like this.
Why hit Genma? You, as the author, may feel (I'm guessing)
that Genma had it coming. But why would Tofu think that? He's never
been shown to have any animosity toward Genma.
[Unlike many, I find the Genma character to be rather likeable. He is a
bit thick though and when you really need his full attention, you had
best come at him from the direction he understands best. Now, is this
overplaying things a bit? I must admit to the possibility. I did feel
the story needed a little action at this point and thought that the
readers might find it amusing to see Tofu Ono surprise the rugged
Martial Arts Master and launch him into the koi pond. Again, if I get
several complaints about Tofu's action towards Genma, I'll
rewrite that scene and have him get Genma's attention another way.]
Well, I did feel that scene overplayed, given a supposed canon Tofu.
If you change Tofu, of course, fine. But it still smacks, to me, of
bad drama, rather like the opening of the first episode of "Crusade"
(which JMS admitted that the network forced him into).
Generally, though, this story shapes up, to some extent, too similar
to one of the most notorious sub-genres in Ranma fanfic: someone
(an SI, Nodoka, whoever) deciding to fix everything in Ranma's life
overnight. I really like the "Cold Dragon" stuff, though (and I'm very
relieved that we aren't seeing yet another Evil Cologne).
I'd suggest, for what it's worth, cutting back on the 'fixing
everything' angle and accelerating your real plot a bit. You don't
want to risk losing readers for your original material.
2) Ranma: The whole "combat fatigue" thing is
difficult for me to swallow. True, he's been in situations
that might cause you or I to fall
apart; but Ranma isn't you or I. I can't think of anywhere in
the manga where he's ever shown symptoms of over-stress.
[Strictly speaking, I am out of canon on this issue but not
too terribly far out of canon. The nekko-ken is a stress-related
disorder, not at all unlike the "thousand-yard stare." I am sorry
you find it such a violation of verisimilitude, but without it I
have no dramatic tension to build upon, which would then necessitate
scrapping the story and starting over. I hope you will forgive me if
I wait to see how many other readers this bothers before taking such
a drastic course of action.]
Actually, you _do_ have a story without Ranma _really_ having
combat fatigue; you just gradually reveal that the _true_ cause of
his current condition is something else. Tofu's diagnosis turns
out to be mistaken.
Other authors assign the nekoken to demonic possession. You can't just
assert that it's a stress-related disorder and expect your readers
to swallow. But you _CAN_ justify your assignment of it to this
category; simply insert a paragraph with Tofu discussing phobias in
general.
Don't worry too much about whether you're "in canon" or not. Canon
is a tool in the author's arsenal: when you stick to it, you can
get away with less explanation and justification than you would if
you were creating everything about the characters and situations.
However, when you _depart_ from canon, you _are_ expected to provide
explanations.
Also, his attitude toward the others is changed without
explanation, most notably Shampoo. In the manga, Ranma
considers Shamps something of a friend, enough so that he
braved his fear of cats to save her from the bake-neko. He's
never (since her initial appearance) acted as if she were a
serious threat to Akane and himself, and never really
held a grudge against her or anyone else. Why start now?
[Because he's older? Actually, you would have something
of a valid complaint were I writing strictly "in canon." I am not
writing a story that falls completely "in canon." I am writing about
a young man beginning to grow up and face a less protected world. A
zany, mostly comical, barely believable world, which remains mostly
"in canon," but one in which he finds it necessary to exercise a
little more judgement and self-responsibility.
<clip close analysis of Shampoo's actions in canon>
Gary didn't say that you have Shampoo wrong. He says he doesn't
understand why your _Ranma_ suddenly changed his mind about Shampoo.
Citing canon about Shampoo's actions and thoughts is irrelevant; you
want to cite _Ranma's_ thoughts about Shampoo.
Is it really that far-fetched to assume that he would become a bit
sensitive to potential threats against her at the end of such
an ordeal?
No, IMO. Seeing Akane so close to death is bound to have made some
changes in Ranma's outlook.
Personally, I could easily see Ranma becoming much more paranoid
about Akane's safety, but I'd see it as much more generalized:
any alley could conceal a mugger or prince or other kidnapper.
I, too, have problems with this sudden conviction that Shampoo is
out to kill Akane as soon as possible. Now, I am NOT saying that
you can't keep this and make it stick; I'm saying that it needs
a little more work (not the same a more words). For instance,
without making any change in Ranma's thoughts, you can convince
your readers simply by a brief cut to the Nekohanten to see Shampoo
plotting (if that is indeed where you're going). (This is a
rhetorical trick, of course.)
To tell you the truth, the one relationship I thought
I had bent the worst, is the one between Ranma and Nabiki. I expected
a firestorm over it and may still have to endure one.
I doubt it. You _have_ bent the relationship, true; but almost nobody
cares. Ranma and Nabiki is a big favorite of quite a few fans. More
fundamentally, Nabiki is routinely bent by fanfic writers, with little
complaint. Canon Nabiki is good for little except occasional comic
relief, and almost every writer wants to do more than that with Nabiki.
I do very much appreciate your efforts Gary. I do lend
considerable weight to your opinions. I will consider your complaints
against the story carefully over the next few days, even though I must
admit to being somewhat disappointed at how the story has
been received by you. Clearly we see the outcomes of the Ranamaverse
canon in a somewhat different light. Should I decide you are entirely
correct, this story will be scrapped.
Gary isn't complaining, he's C & C-ing. You are free to use as much
or as little of it as you want. Your story is the only thing that
will suffer or benefit based on the care with which you consider his,
and everyone else's, comments.