Hey neat! It's a Battle Angel Alita fic!
I hope you don't mind a little C&C, I love the series.
On Mon, 24 Jan 2000, Miashara wrote:
I don't own Battle Angel Alita. I didn't create it. I'm not making money
off this.
You might give a nod to Yukito Kishiro here, he's the genius that did
it.
I hit the concrete again. It stung, but that's irrelevant. Pain through
neural connections always is. They feel removed, distant. I didn't care
though. If the pain was ignorable, that was one less thing to distract
me during the race.
There's some slight tense confusion and awkwardness here. I like the
opening in general though.
I was on my feet after only a second or two but that was enough.
I think you are trying for tense, terse writing here. In that light, I'd
probably just say "a second" instead of "a second or two." I think that
Jashugan would be very aware of time, even down to almost milliseconds.
After him instantly, I zig and zag myself. When We came through here
When we
only a few minutes ago, on lap two, Grigg and I took out the entire lead
group. That was glorious.
"When we came through here" is a little bit vague, you might try, "In the
previous lap"
Now, Grigg was slowly loosing his lead, though number 34, Zak, was
lying on the track in seven different places.
This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense, the first part doesn't lead
into the second. Try chopping it in half. :)
Looked like his brain was
intact though.
Fragment, but because it's a thought, it can probably be overlooked.
That almost brought a smile to my face. Zak was a great
player, and I enjoyed the challenge he presented.
Maybe "challenge he had presented." I don't think he's much of a threat
any more.
I wasn't worried though. I was riding a wave of control that defied any
attempt to make me crash. I could do no wrong, and I could not help but
win. Grigg was simply carrying the ball for me, and I hoped he knew it.
Good, I liked this. :)
I caught up to him about halfway through the Canyon. He was riding with
his head down and arms tucked, the motorball infront of him to reduce
tucked, motorball in front
wind resistance. He was fast, my mental guess putting him at one fifty
mph. I was faster though.
You might want to switch that to metric. I'm pretty sure that's what
Kishiro used.
He noticed me out of the corner of his eye right as we went around a
curve to the left. Never one to waste time, Grigg swung his flail arm at
me. I jumped it and landed with my blades on the wall. I rode it around
the corner, my angle and speed driving me almost twenty feet up.
Good, very evocative.
Griggs flail hit the wall where I wasn't and bounced back. A second
Grigg's
I hopped to the other wall, and rode along that through a tunr in the
through a turn
reverse direction. When my blades next hit the ground, we were in the
narrow, straight part of th Canyon.
part of the Canyon.
I decided this was perfect to launch
my attack.
Was a perfect place, perhaps?
Catching him totally by surprise, I drove my finger knives through his
right leg. I could feel the jerk as they ruptured his power conduits,
making him swerve to the right. I assisted this by pullling my claws
down and out.
The speech here is a bit clinical, but that could be part of Jashugan's
character.
He slipt sideways and for a moment was grinding against the uneven
wall. He pushed off though, using the heavy armor on his left forearm to
You can cut the "though" here.
Grigg was racing in front of my now, only a few yards away. We were
in front of me
Abruptly accelerating as fast as I could,
This is redundant, try "Abruptly accelerating,
It didn't work though. I Grabbed his leg and lifted it, wrapping the
I grabbed his
I emerged from Canyon a mere hundred yards from the fnished line,
emerged from the canyon a mere hundred yards from the finish line,
my first fight. When They bombarded me with questions, I only had one
When they
"I am Jashugan, Number 13. And I will be the King of Motorball."
Good stuff. Maybe have him search out his sister in the stands in the end?
Anyway, thanks for the read.
Colleen