It was a time of sword and sorcery, of dragons and
brave knights of honor. A time where the law of physics held no
sway and magic ruled the land. The lush green fields swayed in
the wind, unobstructed except for the small buildings that
peppered the landscape. The air smelled of jasmine and the
sweet smell of roasted meat upon an open fire. And the sun
Don't start a sentence with an "and"
shone brighter than a thousand gold pieces, reflecting off the
ripened wheat that the villagers harvested below. This was the
land of Neramiis, ruled by the wise and noble King Kunan
III.......
"Sometimes I really hate you Hikari!", mumbled a fiery-
haired young girl as she tried to smooth out her blouse.
She was a young girl, about seventeen, with long red hair tied in
a high ponytail, and a well-rounded body she seemed obviously
proud of. After all, it's how she managed to attract her partner
in the first place. Her ensamble gave the impression of a
sorceress, complete with cape and pouches of unknown
substance. She leaned heavily on her staff, careful not to disturb
the glowing emerald that was encased in a gold claw at the top.
End of paragraph
"Me? What did I do?!", replied Hikari, adjusting the iron
Indent, nix the comma
faceguard that covered the sides, top and chin of his face. A
strong, muscular lad he was, and not much older than she, with
spiky, blond hair in a most peculiar style. He shifted the
What style? Describe.
breastplate of his armor to a more comfortable position, and
patted his trusty sword swinging by his side. The sword shone,
as if to greet its owner. The young knight smiled at his weapon,
then proceeded to cover it with his cape.
"I wanted to stop at the last town to grab a bite to eat but
nooooo, you said we had to keep moving, that if we wasted
time there we'd be caught for sure! My poor, kawaii body is
going to shrivel up and waste away if I don't get anything to eat
soon. And if that happens, how am I ever going to find a
husband?", the girl whined in his ear. The young knight gritted
his teeth.
End of paragraph
"Yawra is just a little further ahead. And you know as
well as I do I'm the only man that survived being near you, what
with your magic overkill and all... and how can you still be
hungry? We ate two hours ago! Do you always think with your
stomach, Kiyoi?", Hikari scolded.
nix the comma, end of Paragraph
"Not all the time...", she
nix the comma and what is the point of that ellipse?
smiled back at him, batting her eyes, "Just every chance I get..."
end of paragraph
Hikari face-faulted. "Look... We're still on the run from the
authorities in Hyraan. If we stopped in that last town, we would
have gotten caught for sure....", Hikari explained as he picked
nix the comma and ellipse
himself up off the ground, "Especially with the way you eat...."
end of paragraph
Kiyoi stopped walking. "What did you mean by that?!", she
hissed, her eyes beginning to glow red. Hikari continued to dust
himself off before realising his faux pas. Once again his mouth
did the walking without the accompaniment of his brain.
"Hey, uh, wait a second there Kiyoi!", Hikari smiled
nervously as he surveyed the area for possible escape routes. *
don't seperate the punctuation from the thought. Though it's very good
you didn't cue us that * represented thought.
Damn! All open road! Nothing to duck behind to soften the
blow! Oh why didn't I insist on the forest route? Baka, baka,
baka! *, he thought whimpering. Kiyoi took a step towards
no comma, break the paragraph after whimpering
Hikari, raising her summoner staff towards him. The emerald
glowed brighter with every word Kiyoi spoke of the incantation.
EoP
"I didn't mean it like that! It's just that you like to eat so much
and.....", Hikari blubbered.
EoP
"SO YOU'RE SAYING I'M A
PIG!", Kiyoi growled in an otherworldly voice.
No comma, EoP
"No! I just....",
no comma
Are we seeing a trend yet?
Hikari stammered, trying to think of another reason to calm her
down, "It's just that your so, uh, kawaii and all that maybe we
period, not a comma
would have been kept behind by all the men that would have
flirted with you...."
Tired old gag, EoP
"SO NOW I'M A TEASE!", Kiyoi shouted,
speeding up her incantation.
EoP
Can you pause in the middle of an incantation and speak about something
else? One would think thats not a wise choice of action.
"D'oh! No! I mean... I mean...",
No comma, EoP
Hikari waved before slumping his shoulders in defeat, "Oh,
no comma.
what's the use... She never listens anyway...Just take it like you
always do...."
Three ellipses in one sentence is far too many. EoP
"FIREBALL!", Kiyoi shouted as a sphere of
No comma
pure flame materilized in front of her staff and shot towards
But is it Decaf flame?
Hikari.
EoP
The ball connected with his breastplate, erupting in
flames all around him. After a few minutes the flame disipated,
leaveing a charred Hikari in its wake.
EoP
"Feel better?", Hikari
no comma
puffed, black smoke escaping his lungs.
EoP
"Much!", Kiyoi giggled
as she smiled at her partner, "Now let's go get something to
eat!"
40 kilometers from the town of Yawra, in the northeast: "Yes
Stalwin?", snarled the knight comander as he shifted his helmet
No comma
back into place. * Damn helmet! I can never see in this thing! I
wish they had given me one that fit right! *
EoP
"Sir! Flames sighted
in the southwest!", reported the young soldier, "They erupted on
No comma
a road near the town of Yawra!"
I'm beginging to hope that this is simply your format getting all
screwed up.
"Ah, the girl. Still as hot
tempered as ever", the captian smiled, rubbing his chin, "One
No comma
has to wonder how her companion has managed to survive this
long with her.
Drinking helps.
I'll teach her to refuse my affection! Guard!
Gather the men! We head to Yawra tonight!"
Meanwhile, Ivan the drunkard, who just farted on an open flame, sudden;y
got a really bad feelling. EoP
"Yes
Commander Mose!", the soldier replied, bowing to his superior.
No comma EoP
"Soon, my little pheonix, you will be mine!", Mose said to
himself, laughing to the wind.
If this wasn't a blatant Slayers rip off, which is addmittadly quite
possible, change the characters. Linna and Gourry's most well known
characteristics in different people who look much like them? Come on,
you can be more original that that.
Grammar lesson, punctuation inside quotes does not require punctuation
outside.
End you Paragraphs, woman! Other than those problems, it wasn't too bad.
Miashara