Okay, time for me to take a crack at this. I don't do C&C much, and I do
public C&C even less, so I suppose I'm overdue on the quota. ^_^;;;
picture of Akane again and then held it tightly to his chest.
You should remove the extra space between "picture" and "of"
not worry. As always Soun and Genma had shoed him out the
shooed. Two "o"s
door to find her. "It is your duty as her fiancee." they had said. His
fiance," The male variant has only one "e", and a comma needs to go after
it vice a period.
they came face to face with the 'something' Ranma was no longer
Because "something" does not already lie within quotation marks, it should
be doublequoted.
laughing. It had been a huge thing. About seven feet worth of teeth and
claws. It looked like a cross between a wolf and a lizard. They'd
Suggestion: if you make it a cross between a bird, an alligator, and a lion,
you will have an itsumade, a legendary crature in Japan that sounds a lot
like what you're working at.
mustered up enough strength and broke free of the
Remove the extra space between "up" and "enough"
monsters grip and dove underwater after Akane.
monster's --an apostrophe should be added here.
would pull her back just far enough that neither could
Remove extra space between "far" and "enough"
need air even more. She was panicking now, she could not
Semicolon needed between "now" and "she", vice comma.
Akane succumbed to the maddening urge to breath, exhaling
"breathe" vice "breath"
She fought the monsters grip even harder now. The creature
monster's
evil grin on it's face. The massive blast which she had generated had
its --no apostrophe is needed.
this, and laughed. A long mocking laugh. Mocking the sorrow she
"this and laughed." Remove the comma, and the extra space between "and" and
"laughed".
Akane.>With
Add two spaces between the > symbol and "With"
There was still a chance, wasn't
there? People had been revived after being under water for some
time hadn't they?
Very tragic tale of woman who drown in non-Jusenkyo water....
"Akane, don't do this to me!!...You can't die!!..." she pleaded. "I need
you!!" no response. "Dammit Akane, I love you!!" Ranma began to sob.
" Please...please don't be die." Akane's response was unending silence.
Note that your use of the ellipsis is a bit off. The "You" should be
lowercased, as you did later in the paragraph. Additionally, since
punctuation is already present (the exclamation points), I would recommend
removing both ellipses.
Additionally, the last line should have "dead" vice "die", unless you meant
"don't die".
Akane was dead.
home...for the last time. The last action that she performed
Remove extra space between "the" and "last"
pounded his fists on the ground and cried. The Tendo's
Tendos --no apostrophe needed.
onto the patio and suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. He
Extra space between "and" and "suddenly".
bed ridden for several weeks. His body would heal though,
bedridden. One word.
Ranma had fully expected Ryouga to kill him, in fact he had hoped
him; in fact --semicolon vice comma.
that he would. Instead Ryouga did something remarkable, he went to
Remove extra space between "remarkable," and "he". Also, not sure how you
wish to play it, but some other punctuation should do there, like an
extended hypen, colon, or even an ellipsis.
console Ranma. "Ranma," he had said. "I don't blame you for Akane's
death, I know you must have done everything in you're power to save
"your" vice "you're"
It was too much for the Patriarch of the anything goes school of
martial arts to handle.
"Patriarch" should be lowercase. And "Anything Goes School of Martial Arts",
since it is a title, should be set in title case.
dis_HONOUR-able." She emphasized that last word. Ranma visibly winced.
The whole word -- dishonourable --should be stressed, not just the middle
part. Dishonorable is one word, and there is no gain by stressing just one
part. And I think the last two sentences would work better as one: "She
emphasized that last word, and Ranma visibly winced at her tones."
are. Are you man enough to accept." She spoke those last words with a
Question mark at the end of "accept" vice comma.
Really minor fixes here, not much to speak of. Finally got some
motivation
to finish but I'm a little stumped. I'll try to have something out in the
next little while. C&C would be greatly appreciated.
Very good story; has quite a bit of potential. Just go through and
doublecheck the story for mistakes and finetuning as needed, and you should
be fine. Hope to see the second part soon.
Mata ne,
Rob
"Love comes down upon us
Till you flow like water,
Burning, with the hope of insight
Feathered--look, they're covered
With a bright elation...
Stolen, in the sight of love...."
--Icicle Works
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