Kodomo no Evangelion
an irreverent crossover comedy by Dot
---
You're probably wondering--other than whether I'm sane and what the
hell I'm smoking--why on earth I'm writing this.
Well...the short answer is...why not? ^_^
---
My name is Kurata Asuka Langely. I'm fourteen years old, my
blood type is O, my sign is Sagittarius, and my three
measurements...ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
*bam* *whap* *biff* *squeak*
Aaaaaaaanyway, I'm a pilot for the super gigantic manmade
robot called Evangelion. So far it's all been tedious training, but soon
I'll get to be on national TV! I'm going to be the most famous girl in the
world!
Still, my life isn't _completely_ wonderful. Even after adjusting to
the time difference between Germany and Japan, I always wake up with
barely enough time to go to class. Like today...
***
"Latelatelatelatelatelate!" I throw water on my face, rip my comb
through my hair, and pull my clothes on as fast as I can. I'm about to
dash out the door when Misato stops me.
Ah, a quick interruption. Misato is the woman I'm living with
here in Tokyo-3. My stepmother wanted to stay in Germany, and my
daddy didn't want to be parted from her. I didn't care, since I knew
Misato for a long time since she worked in Germany too. Misato tries to
take care of me, but she is a horrible cook.
"Breakfast," she simply says.
"No way!" I exclaim. Misato's idea of breakfast is curry-flavored
instant noodles. Y-u-u-u-c-k!
"You _will_ eat," Misato states, her face resolute.
"B-b-but it's 8:45 now and I'll be even more late and I've been
late all week all right so the teacher hasn't noticed yet but I don't want
to be late again!" I protest.
"Kaji can drive you there," Misato points out. "And it's okay to
take breaths when you're talking, it's not against the law."
Kaji-kun is my boyfriend. He hangs around me a lot and says
nice things to me. He drives me to school when I oversleep, which
happens a lot, and almost always takes me to work afterwards.
"Well..." What the heck, I _am_ sort of hungry. "Oh, fine fine
fine I'll eat if it makes you happy." I dash back to the table, stuff my
face with the curry, and wash it down with two cans of root beer.
"Morning, princess," Kaji greets, strolling into the room.
"Kaji Kaji Kaji Kaji KajiKajiKajiKajiKaji KAJI-KUN!" I
squeal, tackling him. I don't let go until he drops me off at the school
gate.
***
"Hihihi!" I greet sheepisly as I open the door. "Sorry I'm late, I
was having a very nice dream and when I opened my eyes it was already
eight thirty and Misato made me eat breakfast--"
My words are lost in the chaos that has taken over the room.
Things fly all over the place: erasers, pencils, paper, soccer balls, and
even students, most of them male. Except now they're acting more like
monkeys in a zoo. Worse, actually.
'Again?!?' I think incredulously. It's times like this that I really
wished I didn't have to go to school. And technically, I don't, since I
already graduated from college in Germany, but Misato said I needed to
brush up on my Japanese.
"RETURN TO YOUR SEATS!" Hikaru bellows, which of course
gets ignored. Hikaru is the class president, and a really nice girl. With
the sensei a nervous wreck from all of this chaos, she's sort of taken
over as the authority figure. Not that any of the monkeys listen to her,
but she tries, whereas sensei just sulks in the corner and weeps.
One of the monkeys pauses just long enough to make a face at
Hikaru. "You're not the teacher!" He taunts, before throwing an eraser
loaded with chalk dust at her.
Only one boy is still seated among the mess. Hayama Shinji. He
just transferred to this school a few days ago as well, but he's already
established himself as the boss among these monkeys. The idiots would
do anything for Hayama--including jump off a cliff--if he ordered them
to.
Currently Hayama is sitting in the back of the room, listening to
his SDAT and watching everything with a blank expression. Ooh! Just
looking at him makes my blood boil!
'Just sit down, pretend he's not there, and get on with the class,' I
think to myself, strolling into the room regally. I'm about to do just
that...when I realize I can't find my desk! Where is it? Where where
where wherewherewhere--
Hayama is using it as a footrest.
I stomp over to him and slam my hands down in front of him.
"Good morning, Hayama!" I greet, sarcasm dripping from my words.
"You look like you've eaten a dozen lemons which is normal for you."
Still getting no response from him, I lean forward and yank the
earphones away from him. "Give me my desk back right now I don't
want to have to ask twice you really wouldn't like that."
Hayama merely looks at me once, takes his earphones back, and
plugs them in again.
Now I really lose my temper. "Give it back!" I start yanking at
the desk, but it doesn't budge. "Give it give it give it give it give it come
on gimmegimmegimme--" I take in a deep breath, square myself, and
pull with all my might. "GIVE IT--"
Hayama lifts his foot.
I don't think I really need to elaborate on what happens next, or
how the rest of the day goes.
I hate school.
***
"Oh, does that Hayama ever drive me insane!" I rant as I change
into my plug suit. "Day in and day out those monkeys just play play
play and Hayama's their boss and he just sits there listening to whatever
he listens to on that dumb SDAT and today he was hogging my desk! I
hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I--" I stop when I realize that
my surroundings are unfamiliar. "Hey Kaji-kun where're we going this
isn't the way to the simulation room--" I gasp as a thought occurs to me.
"Am I going to get to pilot for real am I am I am I please tell me that I
am please please--!"
"Please let go," Kaji-kun squeaks, turning a very cute shade of
blue. I let up a little, and Kaji takes in a deep breath. "Yes, you're
going on the field today, but--"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI! Wai wai wai wai wai!" Kaji-
kun grabs my shoulders and stops me in mid-dance. "Kaji-kun?"
Kaji-kun looks very uncomfortable, but he takes a deep breath
and goes on. "Remember what else happens today?"
Everything I am about to say gets swallowed back down when I
remember. "Another pilot is arriving."
Kaji-kun nods. "We've gone over this many, _many_ times
already: this is _not_ some television show where you're the only star."
"Hai hai hai hai hai," I reply sullenly.
"I mean it, Asuka, you are to be on your best behavior today."
Kaji-kun is all business now. I hate it when he pulls that face. I
put my left hand on my heart, hold up my right hand, and close my
eyes. "Asuka swears she will be nice," I intone as seriously as I can. I
open my eyes again and gaze at Kaji-kun. "So please smile again, Kaji-
kun? Please please please please _please_?" I beg, drawing out the last
'please' as long as I can.
Kaji lets out a long breath before giving in, but only his mouth
smiles. "Now, you promised," he reminds me, before leaning back and
letting the escalator take us to our destination: the Eva cages.
***
"Wow..." My mouth hangs open as far as it can go. "It's huge! I
didn't realize EVAs are so big in real life this thing must be at least fifty
feet tall--" The hatch on the purple EVA Unit 01 opens, and the medical
team rushes forth to help out the pilot. "Rei!" Panicking, I turn to
Kaji-kun and grab his shirt. "What happened to her? Did--"
"She was injured by an Angel," Commander Ikari's voice cuts in
from above.
"An-an Angel?" I stammer, more because I was scared of the
Commander than the prospect of the real battle ahead.
"That's right." The Commander pushes his glasses back up to his
nose. "Rehearsal is over, Pilot Kurata."
The door behind us opens and a very sheepish Misato strolls in.
"Hi! Sorry I'm late, I got a little lost."
"A 'little'?" Dr. Akagi repeats with a raised eyebrow, and Misato
flushes red.
"Is this my father's work?" A quiet voice behind Misato asks.
I recognize the voice immediately, and I almost fall over from
shock. "H-HAYAMA?!?"
Did I mention that my life is an absolute nightmare?
---
Such a crossover had been brewing in my head since I first heard about
Kodomo no Omocha, but it was only recently that I got to see the first
four episodes. Boy, they weren't kidding when they said this series is on
speed...
For those of you who haven't seen this wonderfully funny series yet,
Sana speaks at an _extremely_ fast rate. I've tried to write the dialogue
to reflect that, but you should try to experience what this sounds like by
reading it out loud at about three times your natural speaking speed.
(Then again, you'd better not: you'll probably either bite your tongue in
half or pass out due to lack of oxygen.)
I'm not sure how far I'll take this or whether I'm going to continue this
at all, since my lack of knowledge in KnO severely impedes further
deveopment. I've got a few ideas to the end of what would correspond
to NGE 0:1...
---
-"Dot"
Dot-Chan on #fanfic at bachman.newberry.edu (FFIRC Chatroom)
Proud member of CAPOW (Creative Anime Prose Original Writing)
Mistress of Evil Ideas
Fanfiction Wing--http://warner-sama.com/
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"Gendou's greatest desire was to be bitten in half by Unit 01?!?" (A friend, after watching EoE)
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