C+C, here we come!
<< I need some commentary on this. The only OOC should be Ranma, I've made
him
brighter :)
=Okie-dokie.
To Tell a Hawk From a Handsaw
=I'm not sure about this title. It doesn't quite grab me.
I have been defeated, totally. Me. I've trained my whole life to be the
best martial artist in the world; I've put up with all of my Pop's
=Drop the semicolon in favor of a period.
hare-brained schemes so that I could become the best, and now I realized how
easily anyone can defeat me.
Today my mother came to the dojo, looking for me and my worthless
father. Naturally I learned that my father had us sign a suicide pact that
I'd
become a "Man among Men", so I had to spend the day as a girl and pretend to
be Ranko Tendo, so mom wouldn't discover my curse.
=[sugg] The Man among Men doesn't really need to be capitalized, but the
quotations are fine.
It was after my mother left, that I started thinking about my day. I
wanted
to fly into her arms and cry. I wanted to yell at her and ask her why she
abandoned me to my father. I wanted to tell her all that my brainless father
had done, and watch her carve the panda up into steaks. Instead I did
whatever
anyone wanted me to.
=[sugg] Try replacing "anyone" with "everybody"
Everyone I know, knows me too well. They know what buttons to push to get
me to respond the way they want. My father's been manipulating me for
years. Soun alternately employs tears and his demon-head technique. Nabiki
gets anything she wants from me. Even Kasumi can get me to do anything she
wants. They could train my stand-in, and they wouldn't even need me around.
=From Saotome Heavy Industries, meet the RM-1000! He slices, he dices, he
nekokens potatoes into french fries! Just one push of a button, and he
_will_ _obey_ _every_ _command_!! All yours for _only_ 58,000,000,000 yen!!
What a deal!!!
But what brought this home to me was my mother. A complete
stranger. Doesn't even know we're related. She tried to get me to act less
like a tomboy, and she succeeded. Once I noticed that, I noticed how little
control I had on my life.
=[sugg] Try replacing the second "noticed" with another synonym, like "saw",
or even replace the first half of the sentence with "Right then, I
noticed..." or something similar.
So, how to regain control? Idealy I should change the type of person that
I
am. But that will never work here. Personal growth takes way too long, and my
puppet-masters will just learn my new triggers as fast as I change
them. Leaving isn't an option, I've never succeeded in getting alone for long
=[sugg] Either add "as" before I've, or replace the comma with a semicolon.
before. That leaves Misdirection.
=I agree with Jason Liao on this point. If "Misdirection" is to be treated
as a proper noun, do likewise with "Personal growth."
The only way to buy me time is to confuse them. If I act irrationally,
they
wont see the effect their manipulations have on me. I'll have time to free
myself of their controls. Tonight, I'll let my grief over the gaining and
loosing of my mother be the ostensible reason for my descent into
madness. From now on, I, Ranma, will be as free as a Kuno to do whatever
strikes my amusement.
[Ranma] (looking into a mirror, imitates Kuno) Pigtailed girl! (splashes self
with cold water and then tries hugging his reflection)
But manipulating a Kuno is a game we all play. I'll tailor my madness to
the individual to throw them into the most confusion. I will give them
obvious
controls to play with that connect to nothing in me. Nabiki has her hooks in
me through embarrassing me and through possessions. I'll embarrass myself in
my acts of madness and show no embarrassment, and then I'll treat my
possessions
and hers as meaningless paper. Randomly destroying things. My father I wont
recognize, and I won't let a stranger goad me into fighting. Soun, I'll treat
as a young child, and act as his moods dictate.
=You do realize that you are making a lot of promises beforehand. Readers
will be looking for those promises to be fulfilled. Best thing is to do just
that, or don't make any specific promises at all; show them as they happen.
Kasumi will be a hard one. Her manipulations seem to be done with the best
intentions. I must harden my heart to her pain, and drive her to question
whether her planned life for us all is really the best of ideas. Tofu I'll
avoid,
=It's kind of bland anyway. ^_^
and play Kasumi against him. He won't see my charade if he's too busy
dancing in the streets with Betty. And my fiancees? I shall return all of
their affection while swearing vehemently that I hate them all.
=Now this, I have to see.
[Kodachi] Ranma-sama! (goes in for a smooch)
[Ranma] (smooches back with equal fervor, then throws her into a pond) You
are psychotic slut bitch, ne? (cruelly smirking)
Of course, she might like that a bit too much, so...
* * *
The next morning was unusual in that the Saotomes weren't sparring. When
Kasumi called breakfast, and neither Saotome appeared, she sent Akane to wake
Ranma. But inside the Saotome's bedroom, all she found was an unconscious
=Saotomes'. When pluralizing a family like "The Richards", you put the
apostrophe after the end "s."
Genma, and a mess. A quick search of the house, the dojo, and the roof didn't
reveal Ranma.
She was found lying on her back, around the side of the house, with her
pigtail trapped by her shirt-collar, her shirt on inside out, and improperly
buttoned. Akane nearly tripped over her. "Ranma, what are you doing there?"
[Ranma] I was attack by my clothes! I tried to fight them off, but they
forced themselves onto me mismatching and turned all crazy!
"Waiting."
"Waiting for what!"
[Ranma] For the heavens to open up and take me now!!
...either that, or for the earth swallow me whole, whichever comes first.
"I don't know. When it comes, it should know its purpose."
She practically drags Ranma to the table. After consuming Kasumi's
cooking,
Akane says "Come on, Ranma. It's time for school."
"Then it is rude for school to be late. I'd expect it to be here
promptly."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't you remember? You started this conversation. At least one of us
should be listening to you."
"Ranma! Let's go!"
"I can not. I'm expecting my departed parents."
[sugg] Be a little more consistant with his dialect. It feels forced when he
uses "can not," then immediately uses a contraction in the next sentence/
"What do you mean?"
"Before I was born, they expected me. Now that they're not here, it's only
just that I expect them."
"Your father is in your room unconscious, and your mother isn't coming
today."
"I don't know what you're talking about. I have no parents. They may have
conceived me, but I have yet to conceive them. Perhaps I should make them out
of whole-cloth. I seem to remember my father should be a bag of gas that
flaps
in the wind. An Autumn koi streamer. Tell me, do you think I was born from
koi?"
Soun interrupts "I remember when your parents met. They were very deeply
in
=Good pun. Need a period after interrupts.
love."
"They should have conducted such matters in private. The depths my parents
sunk to shouldn't be discussed in public."
"You make their love sound almost obscene."
"If it hadn't become obscene at some point, I should not exist, and we
should not have known each other."
"Ranma, If you don't go to school now, I'm going without you."
"You've gone without me most of your life, feel free to continue."
"Akane leaves for school with a chorus of "Ranma no baka".
=Let's snipe that quotation mark from the front sentence. Also, make the
transitions of who's saying what clearer.
Soun turns to Ranma, "Aren't you going to school with my daughter?"
"I school my thoughts and expressions. Akane has never done that. Or did
you mean Nabiki? I am not in her grade, nor could she make mine."
"What are you taking about?"
="talking" you meant?
"You have too many daughters. It's forced you to mark them down and let
them cheap to the first that's come along. Luckily your middle daughter sells
herself without your help. She's well sought after, and as her only stock,
she
can charge highly for her favors. You do realize that most of the school has
bought her favors? And paid dearly indeed."
"How dare you impugn my daughters honor!"
[Ranma] I didn't impugn her honor; she never had any to begin with.
"Did you think I meant sexual favors? I would never dare impugn Nabiki's
honor; she does that herself. But maybe you meant one of your other
daughters. Taking Kasumi as a wife is a bit unusual. She does set an
excellent
table, and keep a clean house. Unfortunately she's likely to bear daughters
if
genetics are to be followed, but you're used to a house of girls."
"How dare you imply I've taken Kasumi as a wife!"
[Ranma] So you took her as a ten year old to present? My, Tendo, you are a
sick puppy. No more training trips with Happousai for you! Now, go to your
room, and think about what you did wrong!
"I never did. I was referring to whomever she would eventually marry. I
seem to have upset you. I'll leave you to your thoughts, while I go looking
for my parents. I'll start at the cemetery, and work my way back to the
hospital birth ward. I should meet everyone that way."
* * *
A little while later, Genma comes downstairs, and sits opposite Soun at
the
shogi board. "Genma, what's going on with your son? He's been acting weird
all
morning."
[Soun] Well, I don't use the term weird; it's too odd-sounding coming off my
tongue. I'm more partial to saying "strangely."
"I have no idea. I woke him this morning for sparring practice, and he
just
looked at me and said 'You should be quiet around sleeping people, idiot.'
and
then knocked me out using his amaguriken.
=(") after amaguriken.
"He was in his female form with his clothes incorrectly worn. said his
=Replace the period with a comma.
school should have been here by now, that his parents haven't been conceived,
that Nabiki was a prostitute, and that it looked like I'd married Kasumi or
something like that. Do you think he might have snapped because he couldn't
be
himself around his mother yesterday?"
[snip]
* * *
Akane came home from school in a foul mood. "Kasumi, where's Ranma!"
"I've no idea. The house has been empty since shortly after you left from
school. I haven't seen daddy, or either Saotome all day."
"Don't worry about daddy. He and Ranma's father are probably starting
another of their little schemes. Ranma didn't show up at school today."
"Perhaps he's playing with one of his friends that drop by constantly."
[Ryouga] (wanders in) Has anyone seen Ranma today? He needs to die-sorry,
Akane, but...Akaneee.....
"Well, he hasn't been to the Nekohanten or Ucchan's, and that leaves
Ryouga, and he hasn't been seen in a long time. That leaves the Kunos and
Ryouga, and Ryouga's been gone a while. Sounds like Ranma's dragged some new
=[sugg] The paragraph is messy with repetition. Try something like this:
"Well, he hasn't been by either the Nekohanten or Ucchan's. That leaves the
Kunous and Ryouga, but Kunou hasn't been thrashed by him today, and no one
has seen Ryouga in some time. Sounds like Ranma just dragged some new
weirdness into this area."
weirdness to the area."
At this point, Ranma walks in. Akane turns on him and growls "Where were
you today! What have you gotten yourself into now?"
"I've been looking for a family."
"Whose family?"
[Ranma] The Brady Bunch. Either them, or the Partridge Family.
"A family for me. I haven't found anyone decent for my mother or father,
but I've got a large number of people suitable to be my crazy uncle Jiro."
"Where have you been all day?"
"The cemetery. All parents wind up there eventually, but mine didn't show
up no matter how long I waited. I guess it's for the best, I never wanted
late
parents."
=Cute pun.
"Were you looking for your father?"
"Among other relatives. But he's the hardest. I've yet to see a good
role-model to determine what I'd like in a father. Kuno's father's ran away
for
years, while Ryouga lost his somewhere. Shampoo's is so innocuous that I'm
not
sure he really exists. Meanwhile the elders Tendo and Kuonji only seem to
gripe about the unfairness of the world, while trying to fob off their
daughters on others. I've yet to see a father worth his weight in
rice. Mothers are much easier. The average mother is kind, gentle, loving,
and
dead. I just have to find the right woman and kill her."
[Soun] KA-SU-MI!!! (bawls his eyes out)
[Ranma] There, there, now. You forget, Kasumi isn't a mother. A mother
figure, but not a mother.
[Soun] (turns off the water works) Oh, yeah....
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"What everyone wants. The bosom of the family, I seem to have misplaced
mine. At least until I get splashed again. I'd best train until the master of
the house returns. See you later."
* * *
Soun and Genma finally return from their pointless stakeout. Kasumi greets
them "Oh, daddy! I'm glad you're here. I wouldn't be able to delay dinner
much
longer."
"Has Ranma come home?"
"Oh yes. He came home shortly after Akane, but he was behaving a bit
oddly."
* * *
"Dinner proceeded quietly. After dinner, Ranma commented "Excellent
dinner,
Kasumi, but I'm disappointed in you." This got odd looks from everyone."
=Snipe that extra (").
"Why are you disappointed?"
"You've had the whole day to do anything, and all you've accomplished was
that remarkable dinner, which is now gone. You could have stretched some
canvasses, built a clay armature, or started writing a novel. But instead all
your talent went into this mess that rumor tells me was a feast."
"I'm content caring for my family."
"How could you be? I'll admit that dinners like that will make you the
last
daughter he sells off, but you could be so much more."
Soun Roars "Sell off? How could you say that!"
[Ranma] Like this: "I'll admit that dinners like that will make you the last
daughter he sells off, but you could be so much more."
"'Chose any daughter,and she's yours', Sound familiar? All fathers sell
their children. My going rate was fish, rice and 2 pickles. Anyone who paid
more was swindled. What did you pay for me? Your dojo and a daughter? You
should have offered food. Like the sake you drank the night you made your
marriage pact."
"That pact was a sacred oath!"
"Made in the traditional manner in order to insure a traditional
requirement, with the traditional grandkids, and the traditional shove into
traffic when we no longer need babysitters."
Soun bursts into tears "How could you say something like that?"
To everyone's surprise, Ranma has run around the table and is patting Soun
on the back "There, there. Stop crying. Everything will be all right. When
you
die, which is regrettable, but necessary, we'll tell everyone that you
voluntarily took your life to end our burden, but were too clumsy to properly
handle a tanto."
* * *
Nabiki finds Ranma in the dojo, and confronts him "I don't like the way
you're treating my sisters and my father. I wont let you hurt my family."
"Hurt your family? I couldn't if I tried. It was dead before I ever
arrived. Your father sold one of you off before my birth, and you accompliced
yourself to it when you made Akane my fiancee. Your older sister has hacked
off those parts of her not needed for cooking and cleaning. Your younger
sister has no control over her emotions, and has been trained by your father
to the point that she's a public menace. And instead of helping any of them,
you preferee to make a few yen off of your sister's problems. I was dragged
="perferee"--prefered
here against my will, engaged to your sister with your help, and then
forcibly
restrained from leaving for China, and you have the nerve to say I'm the
problem? Look to your own problems. If you want me to leave, secure my
release. Without my freedom, I accept no blame."
"I may not have been a saint, but I'm not going to let you do this."
[Ranma] Oh, all right, if you insist. (flicks her a 5k note. She catches it,
smirking triumphantly, until he sweeps her into his arms and kisses her full
on the mouth for a minute. Nabiki is boggling WTF?! and flapping her
etremities in an attempt to get away. He piroetes through the house like
this, which gets shocked responses from Kasumi and Akane, then back into the
dojo where he drops her on the floor. She backpedals to the wall farthest
away.) You know, I gotta save up another 5k note; I kinda liked that.
(clears his throat) Now, what were you saying about not letting me do what?
"What's it to be then, threats? 'Stop or I'll make your life hell.'?
You've
bought me, sold me, ransomed me, blackmailed me, invaded my privacy, sold my
secrets to my enemies, blamed me for your sister's shortcomings, and blamed
me for the actions of people who want to marry me against my will. After all
that, how could you make my life hell?"
"I could tell your mother about your curse."
[Ranma] Hey, let's make a party of it then! A "Ranma-turns-into-a-girl"
party! There'll be food, drinks, party games, and a ritualistic seppuku at
the crack of dawn! Whaddaya say?
[snip]
* * *
On her way home from a delivery, Shampoo spots Ranma in
the Tendo's yard, and nearly lands on top of him. At the last minute, Ranma
ducks to the side and avoids the bike. Shampoo glomps onto Ranma, and tries
to
give him a kiss. Everyone is surprised when Ranma responds. Once the kiss
=[Kunou] At last! the foul Saotome's magicks have been broken! Akane,
Pig-tailed Girl, you are free to return to your true love, Kunou Tatewaki!
ends, he pushes her away. As Shampoo falls to the ground, Ranma shouts "Don't
tempt me again, you adulteress. I'm already married."
=How so?
Shampoo calls back, "What do you mean, you're married to me!"
"I was married a few days before I met you, at my Father's prodding."
=?_?
Soun assumes his demon-head "Genma! How dare you!"
"The boy is making it up!"
Pop, Just because I haven't had a ceremony doesn't mean I'm not
=(") before "Pop."
married. A marriage ceremony is merely a public confirmation of the fact that
two people's souls are inextricably bound. Just because I never invited you
all to a ceremony doesn't in the least affect my married status."
"Genma! how could you push your son into marriage!
=BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, the irony!! I love it!!
What about our pact?"
"Ranma, how could you say that I am responsible?"
"You pushed me into Nyannichuan. And from that moment, I have been two
bodies with one soul, therefor I am married."
=Add an "e" on the end of "therefor"
* * *
"We could maintain family traditions! Give me three daughters and a
son. I'll run away and raise my heir, while you cry uselessly in the dojo,
and
try to marry off your daughters!"
>>
It has potential to be something very funny and good, that's for certain. My
main gripe is that there is a lack of any actions being shown. Since Ranma
is playing insane, actions will most definitely be part of his new demeanor.
Taking a certain pose, "absently" doing something that will cause someone to
blush, constantly moving around like a ball of energy, all of it adds to the
effect. At some points, it does appear that he's just being a smartass with
only words to go on.
Some advice: as this story has a lot of holes, it may be to your advantage
that you create an outline. Nothing fancy or complicated, just a simple
skeleton from beginning to end, so you'll have the general idea how it's
going to go. Descriptions and details can be added later; just save room to
write them in, to help tighten the story.
Something that will help you keep your ideas in line so you don't end up
dangling for inspiration to hit while you're in the middle of a paragraph.
Good prereaders are worth their weight in rice.
One final thing: I like the story thus, and I would love to see it to blossom
into a real jewel. Keep writing, and don't quit.
Later....
Rainman