Those of you who are trying to do these "cute" test messages are
completely missing the point of the ban. The moderators are trying to
regulate spam, and if you're writing a load of nonsense that isn't meant
to be read and enjoyed (thus defeating the purpose of this list), then
you're spamming.
If you really need to write a test message, do some public C&C. You might
even be thanked for it. Here's how:
Neil-
Someone wrote to you earlier about the "show, not tell" principle. While
I usually agree with that, I believe that the way you introduced this fic
was more plausible. Just having Ranma act OOC without prior warning would
have caused most people to delete the fic with the majority unread (I
freely admit that I would be one of those people).
However, I think that there is another problem of the same magnitude.
While you introduce Ranma's plan well, you never have Ranma actually
implement listed parts of the plan. The counter-principle to "Show, not
tell" is "Tell the reader what they know to be true" and it's a very hard
one to implement correctly. I think you have a plausible chance of doing
it here, but because Ranma doesn't fufill certain parts of his statement,
some readers may feel cheated, in a manner of speaking.
I need some commentary on this. The only OOC should be Ranma, I've made him
brighter :)
Will keep in mind.
To Tell a Hawk From a Handsaw
Out of curiosity, what's the signifigance of this title? It doesn't look
like something you made up out of the blue.
I have been defeated, totally. Me. I've trained my whole life to be the
best martial artist in the world; I've put up with all of my Pop's
hare-brained schemes so that I could become the best, and now I realized how
easily anyone can defeat me.
Why did you use a semicolon there? It's not something that flows directly
into the other sentence while necessitating a link, nor does it fit the
"however" criteria.
So, how to regain control?
So, how do I regain control?
But that will never work here.
Remove the 'here'. It's unnecessary.
Leaving isn't an option, I've never succeeded in getting alone for long
...an option, as I've never succeded...
before. That leaves Misdirection.
If you're going to capitalize Misdirection, treating it like a proper
noun, then you should have written "Personal Growth" earlier, with both
letters capitalized. When you're making lists, it's usually in your
interest to write the contents in the same fashion.
The only way to buy me time is to confuse them.
Take out the 'me'.
From now on, I, Ranma, will be as free as a Kuno to do whatever
strikes my amusement.
And just a foolish, of course.
Be careful about how you make your comparisons. I think much of the
problems earlier were that people expected Ranma to act about as
delusional as Kuno, and not point out "obvious facts" about each other.
But manipulating a Kuno is a game we all play. I'll tailor my
madness to the individual to throw them into the most confusion. I
will give them obvious controls to play with that connect to nothing
in me. Nabiki has her hooks in me through embarrassing me and through
possessions. I'll embarrass myself in my acts of madness and show no
embarrassment, and then I'll treat my possessions and hers as
meaningless paper. Randomly destroying things. My father I wont
recognize, and I won't let a stranger goad me into fighting. Soun,
I'll treat as a young child, and act as his moods dictate.
Keep this in mind. As stated above, you're listing specific things, and
the reader expects you to carry them out to some degree.
The next morning was unusual in that the Saotomes weren't sparring. When
Kasumi called breakfast, and neither Saotome appeared, she sent Akane to wake
Ranma. But inside the Saotome's bedroom, all she found was an unconscious
Genma, and a mess.
Saotomes' bedroom.
When the posessive is plural, place the apostrophie at the end of the
word.
"Then it is rude for school to be late. I'd expect it to be here promptly."
I expect...
I'd means "I would". By saying it as you have it, he's not making a
complete sentence.
"I can not. I'm expecting my departed parents."
Out of curiosity, why did Ranma not use the contraction (can't) here? If
you're trying to make him sound a little stranger, then I could see it,
but then you shouldn't have him use contractions in other places either.
People's speech patterns don't usually move -that- erratically.
Tell me, do you think I was born from
koi?"
Soun interrupts "I remember when your parents met. They were very deeply in
love."
Nice pun.
"Akane leaves for school with a chorus of "Ranma no baka".
Who said this, and why? It doesn't look like it ought to be padded with
quotations.
"I school my thoughts and expressions. Akane has never done that. Or did
you mean Nabiki? I am not in her grade, nor could she make mine."
"What are you taking about?"
"You have too many daughters. It's forced you to mark them down and let
them cheap to the first that's come along. Luckily your middle daughter sells
herself without your help. She's well sought after, and as her only stock, she
can charge highly for her favors. You do realize that most of the school has
bought her favors? And paid dearly indeed."
And just how is any of this addressing Ranma's plan to treat Soun like a
child? I would have expected Ranma to perhaps pat his head at one point,
and be someone patronizing. Perhaps even offer him a lollypop.
"Did you think I meant sexual favors? I would never dare impugn Nabiki's
honor; she does that herself. But maybe you meant one of your other
daughters. Taking Kasumi as a wife is a bit unusual. She does set an excellent
table, and keep a clean house. Unfortunately she's likely to bear daughters if
genetics are to be followed, but you're used to a house of girls."
This OCCness isn't Ranma being smarter, just him being a smartass. I'm
sure that this is not the Ranma you were trying to characterize.
"He was in his female form with his clothes incorrectly worn. said his
Period should be a comma.
Akane came home from school in a foul mood. "Kasumi, where's Ranma!"
While technically correct, I like the use of exclamation mark instead of
question mark. It correctly displays Akane's likely tone of voice.
"Among other relatives. But he's the hardest. I've yet to see a good
role-model to determine what I'd like in a father. Kuno's father's ran away for
years, while Ryouga lost his somewhere. Shampoo's is so innocuous that I'm not
sure he really exists.
This listing problem again.Either be completely consistant, or completely
nonexistant. Here, it looks like that Kuno's and Ryouga's fathers are in
one set, and Shampoo's is in a different set, while I assume that you
meant them all to be a subset of available role-model fathers.
Soun and Genma finally return from their pointless stakeout. Kasumi greets
them "Oh, daddy! I'm glad you're here. I wouldn't be able to delay dinner much
longer."
wouldn't be = wouldn't have been
"Dinner proceeded quietly. After dinner, Ranma commented "Excellent dinner,
Kasumi, but I'm disappointed in you." This got odd looks from everyone."
As a general rule, do not use the word 'got' in your writing. There's
almost always a better word to use, if you just think for a minute, and
your writing will usually look more polished as a result. I only use the
word 'got' in spoken text.
"You've had the whole day to do anything, and all you've accomplished was
that remarkable dinner, which is now gone. You could have stretched some
canvasses, built a clay armature, or started writing a novel. But instead all
your talent went into this mess that rumor tells me was a feast."
"But I did, Ranma. I was writing a graphic novel, and even named it after
you! I sent it to a publishing firm, and it should be released next
month."
Soun Roars "Sell off? How could you say that!"
'R' should be lowercase.
"'Chose any daughter,and she's yours', Sound familiar? All fathers
Chose = Choose.
To everyone's surprise, Ranma has run around the table and is patting Soun
on the back "There, there. Stop crying. Everything will be all right. When you
die, which is regrettable, but necessary, we'll tell everyone that you
voluntarily took your life to end our burden, but were too clumsy to properly
handle a tanto."
I think this was a better handling of the scene.
Nabiki finds Ranma in the dojo, and confronts him "I don't like the way
you're treating my sisters and my father. I wont let you hurt my family."
wont = won't
"Hurt your family? I couldn't if I tried. It was dead before I ever
arrived. Your father sold one of you off before my birth, and you accompliced
yourself to it when you made Akane my fiancee. Your older sister has hacked
off those parts of her not needed for cooking and cleaning. Your younger
sister has no control over her emotions, and has been trained by your father
to the point that she's a public menace. And instead of helping any of them,
you preferee to make a few yen off of your sister's problems. I was dragged
here against my will, engaged to your sister with your help, and then forcibly
restrained from leaving for China, and you have the nerve to say I'm the
problem? Look to your own problems. If you want me to leave, secure my
release. Without my freedom, I accept no blame."
prefree = prefer
"I may not have been a saint, but I'm not going to let you do this."
"What's it to be then, threats? 'Stop or I'll make your life hell.'? You've
bought me, sold me, ransomed me, blackmailed me, invaded my privacy, sold my
secrets to my enemies, blamed me for your sister's shortcomings, and blamed
me for the actions of people who want to marry me against my will. After all
that, how could you make my life hell?"
<snip>
Where are the random 'acts' of madness? What posessions is he treating as
meaningless pieces of paper? Again, you have not accomplished what you
have said tha tyou originally intended.
Pop, Just because I haven't had a ceremony doesn't mean I'm not
married. A marriage ceremony is merely a public confirmation of the fact that
two people's souls are inextricably bound. Just because I never invited you
all to a ceremony doesn't in the least affect my married status."
Should have a beginning quotation mark. 'Just' should be lowercase.
-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.
One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed. "Tell me,"
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...