Ok, this is my first C&C in ages, so bear with me here. Everything I say is
ONLY my opinion, and I hope you'll take it with a grain of salt. ^_^
*sigh* Sorry if the format is terrible, but I have no choice as to how my
fic is
wrapped (I just moved houses, and a new internet service, so temporarily,
the
only e-mail I have is an in-browser thing, which gives you no options like
that.)
It's a shame that the formatting will put a lot of folks off. If you can't
word-wrap, maybe you could send the fic to a friend and have them format it
and send it to the List. It's hard enough to get a fic read - you don't
want the little details to turn your potential readers off before they start
reading. ^_^ You might also consider double-spacing between paragraphs,
because it's really hard to tell where one paragraph ends and the next
begins. ^_^
There are some piddling grammatical issues here, which I'm not going to
point out. If you do find a way to get the story formatted, it'll be easier
to do comments. ^_^
*snipped details about pajamas and where everyone is and what they're all
doing*
The story's off to a really slow start, here. Most Ranma fics need to
really grab a reader in the first paragraph or two, or you've lost them. ^_^
You might want to cut some of the extra detail here - just a suggestion -
and get to the meat of the story. Knowing where everyone is won't be nearly
as important to the reader as knowing that Akane's alone in the house.
Also, other than her shivering a little in the cold, there's no
foreshadowing yet. If you started it off with even a little low-level
anxiety about her being alone in the house, it might be a better start. ^_^
*snipped Akane trying to write in her diary and getting into bed*
We're still going at a pretty slow pace, here... While you do have some
nice introspection here, it seems out of place, somehow, imo.
*What was that?* It had sounded like a faint scratching sound... Not
being able to help herself, she looked back to her clock. It was
exactly midnight. *Lovely* She thought bitterly. *I'm freaking myself
out...* Forcing herself to look back to her book, she tried to read some
more, but the words were falling on blind eyes.
Ok, now here's where you had me hooked. ^_^ NOW it's getting spooky! ^_^v
The whole rest of it just takes off like a runaway train -in a good sense, I
mean. ^_~ The bit with the doorknob was a great touch, imo. ^_^
My suggestion, now that I've read this over a second time, would be to start
right with the first scratching sound, then show Akane's reaction as she
lies in bed watching the clock and trying to read. You could mention right
in the first paragraph that she's alone in the house, and go from there.
Because after that, it gets very intense and fascinating. You'd have your
reader hooked from the get-go.
That's all my opinion, so feel free to ignore it if you disagree. ^_~
Either way, I hope you'll continue with the story, because I'd like to see
more of it.
^_^
Yoiko