Laurence Roxas <rlsroxas@compass.com.ph> wrote:
RING!
*What's that?* Ranma thought to himself he turned over and tried to swat
the alarm clock.
3 hours later.
RING! RING!
It's not your fault, but "Ranma the chronic oversleeper" is one of those
things that are used wayyyy to often in fanfics. He does seem to do it
occasionally in the manga, but not all the time as you'd think from
reading fics.
"Hey you know Ranma...it'll take an army to wa-" Nabiki was cut off when
they heard something crash downstairs.
CRASH!CRASH!BANG!CRASH!EEEK!
More like several somethings.
With a bang, the door to there room opened revealing a very winded, slightly
dirty Ranma.
"Hi everybody," Ranma smled apologetically "sorry I'm late."
Heh.
Nabiki looking behind Ranma and seeing his trail of upturned tables, broken
glassware, flusstered nurses and suprised doctors remarked "So Ranma, what
did you do now?"
Isn't it obvious?
******
It's been a week since the incident in the hospital and Akane was now fully
It was a week (verb tense: you're telling the story in past tense)
recovered. Strangely Ranma and Akane's relationship had taken a turn for the
better.Now they were walking to school...Akane's first day since the fight.
The two of them walking to school together isn't unusual at all. (Not
sure whether that's what you meant here.)
And for once Ranma was walking beside her and not on the fence.
Now THAT is unusual. :)
Akane face turned thoughtful"I don't know but, take for example last night.
Her face kept popping into my head and i couldn't sleep."
Ranma looked at her and grinned "And you call me a pervert..."
Turning red she replied "Baka! I wasn't thinking of her like _that_!"
"Then why are you turning red!"
Nice use of Ranma and Akane in this scene.
*****
When they reached the school they found the girl Miko arguing with Kuno.
"...your hair is as blue as the sea, your eyes as bright as the sun
and your chest-" Kuno was suddenly cut off by a very red, very angry Miko.
That doesn't sound like an argument to me.
Just then Kodachi appeared. "Ohohohoho!Ranma darling let us leave these
peasants. I am the only one meant for you!" So saying she tried to glomp
unto Ranma.
Unfortunately for her, Miko was faster. Swiftly shoving Ranma back , Miko
turned the attempted glomp of Kodachi into a neat shoulder throw.It is to
Kodachi's credit that she managed to land on her feet. turning around she
regarded Miko and said " Who are you girl? and why do you meddle with
Kodachi Kuno, the black rose's affairs?"
Proudly standing up she said " I'm Miko Ukagi, and who are you calling a
peasant?"
Miko would attack someone for an offhand insult like that, even though
it wasn't directed specifically at her? Geez, she makes Akane look like
Kasumi. Ranma had better watch his mouth around her.
Kodachi answered with deluge of black petals...all of them drugged.
Briefly Miko glowed blue again and she was holding a net. Dragging it
swiflty behindd her she caught all of the petals and threw them back at
Kodachi. It didn't even touch Kodachi as she, using her ribbon, caught the
net in mid-air andmade it go careening off to the side.Miko's image suddenly
blured and she appeared beside Kodachi. She immeadietly executed a
punch-kick-punch combination, but all were skillfully blocked by Kodachi.
Miko again glowed blue and she was holding a mallet that was swinging right
for Kodachi's head. Kodachi dodged but midway through the swing Miko let go
making it hit Kodachi stunning her. Seeing Kodachi vulnerable, Miko again
glowed blue and she was holding another mallet that swiftly connected with
Kodachi's mid-section...sending her right behind her brother.
Nicely done fight scene. I would suggest perhaps breaking it down into
two or more paragraphs, as this is a bit much action for just one IMO.
"That's okay,it was Ranma's fault anyway." Akane replied
"Wha-"Ranma was about to react on what Akane said but he was cut off when
Akane put a finger on his lips and winked.He quieted down instantly.
Eh? What was this about? If there's some new understanding between these
two, okay, but you really need to develop it in the story then.
"What I mean is that they weren't real in the sense that the bat was wood
and the net was nylon. They were just projections of my chi." explained Miko
"Oh." said Ranma
"You know I'm surprised at you Ranma, seeing as how your exposed at this
kind of technique everyday." Miko said looking pointedly at Akane
FYI, mallets are not exclusive to Akane. Ranma's used them quite a bit,
as have a good portion of the other characters, including some like
Madame St. Paul who don't seem to be martial artists at all. The
"mallets as ki attacks" thing has been done by many, and it generally
fails to be very believable. If you want a ki attack that materializes
pseudo-solid objects, a better choice might be Mousse's "hidden weapons"
style.
Ranma grinned "So wanna spar?"
Miko looked startled " here? now?"
"No, later after school. At the Tendou Dojo."
Remember that Ranma doesn't generally like to fight with females. He
will if he has (what he considers) a good reason, but I don't see one
here.
"Ranma, Akane? Can you pls help me up?"
Erp. Write out "please," please. It's only another three letters. :)
So Ranma managed to get through that whole fight without saying anything
to piss Miko off?
They were now at Miko's house. she quietly knocked on the door.
after a few minutes it opened revealing a woman
"Miko, your back!" exclaimed the woman
"What *about* my back, Mom? Another 'Kick Me' sign?"
Akane merely gawked and asked "MOM?!?"
I'm not sure whether this is quite the right reaction. Maybe "Huh?"
followed by "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, you looked like... someone I used to
know." (After all, it's been something like ten years; people change and
memories blur.)
General comment: You need to work on developing Miko's personality more.
This is a problem in almost all new character fics. We need to know what
kind of things she cares about, what makes her different from any random
person on the street. I'm not saying that there should be a long
digression into her past history; but we do need to see her doing things
that paint us a picture of the kind of person she is.
And above all, keep writing. You're showing a lot of potential.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html