Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
EPISODE TWENTY TWO: Drugged Author Ramblings
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy
where the shadow of no one is seen inside. Some birds are still
inside of it busy making a nest. The Sunlit Garden no longer
plays faintly in the background.
BIRDS: Tweety, tweet--
(The birds are abruptly cut off from their tweeting as the figures
of Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya show up out of nowhere to
stand inside of the elevator. The birds tweet loudly at the
invaders before they huffily fly away, thereby abandoning the
nests they worked so hard to build.)
MAMIYA: (Blinks.) Mikage-kun? Where are we?
MIKAGE: (Looks around.) I think we're inside of that stupid
broken elevator that this fic is based around.
MAMIYA: (Puzzles.) Why are we in the elevator?
MIKAGE: (Shrugs and sits down.) Beats me.
(Mamiya sits next to Mikage and there a long pause of silence
as the two contemplate their current situation.)
MAMIYA: (Looks at Mikage. Serious.) What sort of noise do
penguins make when they talk? They don't quack do they?
MIKAGE: (Baffled.) What sort of question is that?
MAMIYA: (Defensive.) A perfectly good one!
MIKAGE: (Shakes his head.) A perfectly odd one, you mean.
What in the world made you think of that, Mamiya-chan?
MAMIYA: (Blinks.) I don't know...
MIKAGE: (Sighs.) The author must have made you do it. Hold
on a second and I'll find out why.
MAMIYA: (Puzzled tones.) But how can you find out what the
dinky author is up to, Mikage-kun? We're just characters.
MIKAGE: (Sounds sly.) True, but we're also phantasm
figments of the psyche. That means we can go wherever we
want and do whatever we want to. Now be quiet for just a
second so I can try and figure out what's going on.
(There's another slight pause as Mikage forms a face of extreme
concentration while Mamiya watches on.)
MIKAGE: (Eyes widen.) Ah ha! I have it!
MAMIYA: (Hangs onto Mikage.) What is it? What did you
find out, Mikage-kun? What's the author up to?
MIKAGE: (Wears a superior grin.) She's doped up on flu
medicine and when she went to take more of her pills she
noticed her penguin shower curtain and suddenly wondered just
what noise penguins make when they talk. For some reason she
decided this would make a funny line in the fic.
MAMIYA: (Ponders this.) I suppose that makes sense.
MIKAGE: (Shrugs.) Truth is odder than fiction.
MAMIYA: (Droll tones.) Not if you count this as fiction.
MIKAGE: (Sounds sheepish.) Good point.
SCENE: The ground by Ohtori Academy's main building.
A small group of people observe and Shadow Play Girl B-ko
holds Shadow Play Girl C-ko by the back of her shirt. To say
that B-ko looks threatening would be a good description but
since she is a shadow it's hard to tell. The Sunlit Garden no
longer plays faintly in the background.
B-KO: (Low tones.) We're finally gonna settle this, scab.
(There's a long pause as everyone watching becomes tense as
they wait for B-ko's horrible, horrible, wrath to arrive.)
B-KO: (Pulls out a pen and paper.) I want you to join the
official Shadow Play Girls Union and join it now! (She pauses
to smile prettily.) We give tons of perks to members.
C-KO: (Stares at B-ko. Shrugs.) Sure. Why not?
SAIONJI: (Watching C-ko sign her union membership papers.)
Well, that was a terribly uneventful confrontation. I could have
seen more action if we pitted Chu Chu against a rabid Jigglypuff
with attitude.
A-KO: (Looks at Saionji.) Don't all Jigglypuff have attitude?
SAIONJI: (Sniffs.) Only the lower class ones.
ANTHY: (Stares at Saionji and A-ko. Looks like she's going to
comment then just sighs.) Come on, Utena-sama. Lets get out
of here. It's getting boring here. We should go and pay a visit to
my dear brother so we can show him just how much you don't
like him anymore. Would you enjoy that?
UTENA: (Snaps out of her daze.) Brother...? Akio? (She forms
a grimace.) Yes, I want to visit him. In fact, I want to duel him!
He's all that stands between us and our future happiness!
ANTHY: (Blinks. Stunned tones.) Utena-sama?
UTENA: (Clenches her hand into a fist.) I'll defeat Akio and
eradicate all that is evil from Ohtori! It'll be easy since Shiori's
finally dead! (Looks to Anthy. Clasps her hands.) Don't worry
my love. Once I crush Akio into nothingness I'll return to you
and we can live our lives like the fairy tale it was meant to be.
(Utena releases Anthy's hand then runs off into the distance as
she heads towards the dueling arena.)
ANTHY: (Bewildered.) Utena-sama? (Comes to her senses
and starts after Utena.) Come back here, Utena-sama! You
can't possibly fight Akio and win! He's the ultimate evil!
SCENE: The Upside Down Castle. Ohtori Akio is sitting in a
lazyboy recliner next to Dios who sits on his own. They're
staring at the big screen television in front of them. The Sunlit
Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
AKIO: (Crying a bit.) I love the Facts of Life...
DIOS: (Nods solemnly.) ...
AKIO: (Sings in wavering tones.) You take the good, you take
the bad, and there you have... the facts of life...
(As Akio bursts into full on tears and Dios pats him consolingly
on the back the scene fades to black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when
extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm
extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In
other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
Author's note: Yes, I'm tripe inspired! No, what I am is on
weird medicine which makes me stranger than usual as you all
might be able to tell. If you think this is bad wait until you read
the new chapter for Black Rose, Blue Thunder. (Whenever I
finish it.)
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will
Mikage and Mamiya still be, for whatever reason, in the
elevator?! Are those birds going to try and reclaim their elevator
home?! And if you take the good and you take the bad is that
really the facts of life?! Stay tuned!
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to:
http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/index2.html
To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to:
http://michiru.com/utena/
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:
"The nakeder, the better."
-Hibiki Ryoga; Ranma 1/2-
MIKI: (Smirks.) Aw yeah... that's what I'm saying.
SAIONJI: (Frowns.) That doesn't seem like something that
Ryoga would say. I wonder where that quote is from?
MIKI: (Scowls.) Who cares, fool? It's damn cool and that's all
you need to be knowin'. See what I mean?
SAIONJI: (Stares at Miki.) Actually, I don't. Why on Earth are
you talking in slang anyway, Miki? You were raised in an
affluent family and neighborhood. More so than mine.
MIKI: (Grabs Saionji by the collar.) You don't know nothin'!
My family wasn't affluent! We didn't even have a cabin in the
Swiss Alps and everyone else who lived by us did! Do y'know
how that made me feel?! Do y'know how the other kids dissed
me?! My folks were losers! LOSERS!
SAIONJI: (Sweatdrops. Says nervously.) Quite...