Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic] I Dream of Ranma, Episode 5
From: Gary Kleppe
Date: 1/19/2000, 8:33 AM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
All C&C offered as opinions and suggestions only.

And accepted greedily....

        Ranma set down the Giant Killer Robots of Death manga he had
been reading. "Really? Where's she go?"

Suggest: "Really? Where does she go?" he asked, humming a few bars from the
Giant Robo refrain.

Seriously, the original version left me looking for a 'going'.

I'll think about changing this.


        "We don't know." Her smirk told him that he'd just won the
Stupidest Question Of The Week award. "She always leaves plenty of food,
so no one will starve." She set a glass of water on the floor between
them. "Lucky for me, though, I'll be dining out tonight, thanks to a
certain genie who owes me a favor."

But this is Nabiki - surely she'd be interested in finding out?

Probably, but she's not about to admit that to Ranma....

        Her foot stung a little as it hit the ground, the sensation
increasing with each step. Okay, so she had lied when she'd said it
didn't hurt anymore. But it was fairly minor -- at least compared to the
other pain she felt. The one that came when she thought about Dr. Tofu,
and Kasumi, and herself. A chronic ailment, it flared up when she
watched Tofu go into fits around Kasumi, knowing that little Akane Tendo
would never, ever be able to inspire the same reaction from him.

"Yeah," she muttered angrily, "Onee-chan attracts men, while I attract
_boys_."

Yup. Life ain't fair, is it.

        Nabiki nodded, and took her hand off the phone. "My cousin Ranko
will be happy to go with us," she said, returning to her airhead
schoolgirl voice. "Oh, I'm so excited! See you soon, Mr. Mendo."

Mendo? Does he have any guy friends?

He didn't actually specify "friend".... :)


        Nabiki picked up the receiver. "Hello?" She paused to listen.
"Yes, he is." Her head turned towards Ranma. "Yes, he is. Want to talk
to him?" She held the reciever out toward him. "It's Akane."

receiver

Oops.
Oh ho. "Parallel, parallel. Turn me into Big Sis!" -- from Hime-chan no
Ribon.

Haven't seen it.


        It wasn't the dress that bothered him. The first few times he'd
worn girls' clothes, they made him feel like throwing up; but now he
didn't mind at all. Now, he was able to think of "Ranko" as a different
person. Ranko was wearing the dress. Not him. And there was nothing
wrong with her doing that, because after all, Ranko was a girl.

And here Ranma takes the first step towards a split personality. :)

Or towards becoming a fanfic writer. "Wearing a dress is perfectly IC
for Ranko!"

         Unsure of what he expected to see, he opened the bedroom door a
little hesitantly. The room looked the same as it always had. His bed
was still unmade from the after-work snooze he had taken. Sounds from
the kitchen penetrated the walls, the rapid-fire slamming of knife into
cutting board.

Tofu winced. Was Kasumi still upset about the other day? :)

Suggest: -- the rapid-fire beat of knife into cutting board.

Lemme think about it. As I told Vince, in my experience women can be
pretty forceful with those big cutting knives, even if they aren't
normally like that.


        Tofu slapped himself on the forehead. Of course. It was so
simple. When Kasumi had knocked on the door, he was still half-asleep
from his nap. So, obviously, he'd dreamed about walking downstairs and
letting her in before her second knock woke him up and he actually did
it. He exhaled a long, relieved breath. Kasumi wasn't teleporting
around, and he wasn't going crazy.

"Actually, I was born into the Kasuga family, then adopted by the Tendos,"
Kasumi said as she appeared suddenly.

Heh heh. "Kyosumi?" Then that would mean Akane is... Akane. :)


        Naaaah. Of course it couldn't. How did such a silly thought get
into his head? It was probably Lum, sending him messages from space.
Fortunately, she wouldn't be back to Earth for another couple of weeks.

Awww. No tiger-stripped bikinied oni girl showing up? How could you be so
cruel, Gary? :)

To be honest, I left Lum out because I was blocking on anything terribly
interesting for her to do here. Appear and chase off Ataru, maybe.

        "AAAA!" Ranko picked up a plate and smashed it forcefully over
Ataru's head. The room spun a little around Ataru as he fell to the
floor.

Suggest: "AAAHHH!"

Okay....

        A loud clang resounded through the restaurant.

Heh. At least it wasn't a mallet. :)

Nah, she's gona past that stage. :)

        Maybe she should've just wished herself home, or at least
outside. But what would happen when Ranma went back to male form? She
wasn't quite sure how that worked. Popping back into Tofu's bedroom in
the middle of the night would be just a little difficult to explain,
especially when she wouldn't be disguised.

Hmm. She should have reappeared in the restaurant if anything.

You may be forgetting about the wish that took her from Tofu's place to
the restaurant; that one would have to be cancelled too.

        "Mr. Mendo?!" Nabiki gaped with a horrific expression that was
sure to win her Best Actress of the Year. "What kind of boy *is* this
that you've exposed my poor little cousin to?"

Yeah, just what kind of favour did Mendo owe Ataru, anyway?

That's for the readers to fill in. :)


        He went back over what he knew so far. Fact: Akane had made a
wish before dinner, not telling him what it was. Fact: Akane had a crush
on Tofu, but Tofu only had eyes for Kasumi. Fact: Two wishes that
should've teleported Akane to the restaurant had both brought Kasumi
there instead. Fact: A wish to send Kasumi back had failed for no
apparent reason, but another -- one that hadn't referred to her by name
-- had worked.

Hmm. Shouldn't the wish have a 50-50 chance of bringing either Akane or
Kasumi? I must be missing something here.

Ranma actually has the ability to fill in ambiguities in the wishes.
Right now he only does this subconsciously. In this case, he knew that
Ataru was referring to Akane so he presumes that the wishes should've
summoned Akane.


        Watching surreptitiously from the bedroom through the
cracked-open doorway, Akane shouted silently at her sister. Go, already!
The time limit she'd set on her wish was going to expire... any minute
now. According to the digital clock on Tofu's dresser, it was 7:27 PM.
She knew that she'd made her wish sometime around five-thrity, but when
precisely? "Sometime around" wasn't anywhere near good enough. Why
hadn't she checked and remembered the exact time? Idiot!

five-thirty

Oops again.

Heh. A funny piece and very enjoyable.

Hope this helps.

Sure does. Thanks for the feedback!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html


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