Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> wrote:
Thanks to Fido, Krista, and Keener for prereading this chapter.
Announcements on my status and the like follow in the end notes. All C&C
will be greatly appreciated, and on-list responses are preferred.
Hearing and obedience. ~#:)
Cool! Rubbing that lamp paid off. :)
"It's for you, Ranma! Isn't this why you go through all that
trouble to find new and better ways of beating people up? So that you
can get things like this?"
{Well, actually, no, but Nabiki might very well think so...}
She might, but doesn't in this case. She's playing mind games with
Ranma, showing him an analogy between what he does and what she does to
see whether he can see it. This bit is also my response to people who've
asked me why Nabsy hasn't used Ranma's powers to make herself fabulously
wealthy.
"Oh well. You had your chance! I wish it was gone." She tapped
the trophy with her finger, and it popped out of existence like a
punctured balloon.
{Good thing she didn't tap something else instead.}
That already popped existence when Ranma changed. :-)
Ranma had to marvel at Nabiki's acting ability. Her voice
shrieked and squeaked as if there were nothing between her ears; but her
eyes, glancing warily at him like a predator, told the truth. Or at
{"warily" doesn't quite work here; she's not wary of Ranma, she's not
wary of her mark. She's confident. "cunningly", perhaps? "craftily"?}
OK, that sounds good.
Nabiki nodded, and took her hand off the phone. "My cousin Ranko
will be happy to go with us," she said, returning to her airhead
schoolgirl voice. "Oh, I'm so excited! See you soon, Mr. Mendo."
{ ! OK, now who's the friend-- oh. You wouldn't. Yes you would. Aiyah.}
Aiya is right. :)
didn't mind at all. Now, he was able to think of "Ranko" as a different
person. Ranko was wearing the dress. Not him. And there was nothing
wrong with her doing that, because after all, Ranko was a girl.
"I *like* instant ramen,* Moroboshi grumbled.
{Yup, that's what I thought. Lum can't be far away...}
Actually, she can. I didn't really have any reason for her to show up,
so I conveniently got rid of her.
"What a way with words you have, Mr. Mendo." Nabiki glanced into
the menu, and her eyes widened. "Ooh! Look at the wines they have. I've
always wanted to try some of these!" She looked up at Mendo.
{Is that legal? Does it matter? :) }
When you're as rich as Mendo? Not really. :)
"Hi, Kasumi." Tofu moved to the side, clearing the way for her
to enter. "Come on in." He didn't seem the least bit surprised to be
seeing her. Why wasn't he going into one of his fits? Did he *know?*
Could he tell by looking at her, by some inner sense, that she wasn't
the real Kasumi?
{ <piku> Good question. Was wondering that myself.}
By now hopefully it's clear. The assumption in this fic is that Tofu's
problem occurs only when someone else sees him and Kasumi together. Why
this is is up to the reader. Perhaps because he's self-consciously
afraid of people thinking that he's robbed the cradle.
A knock echoed from below. "Huh?" Tofu said. "I wonder who that
{I think Tofu would say "Hmm?" rather than "Huh?", myself...}
Probably right.
Unsure of what he expected to see, he opened the bedroom door a
little hesitantly. The room looked the same as it always had. His bed
was still unmade from the after-work snooze he had taken. Sounds from
the kitchen penetrated the walls, the rapid-fire slamming of knife into
cutting board.
{Suggest "clicking" or "tapping"; "slamming" is Akane. :) }
I dunno... I've seen Chinese women who were normally meek and mild use
those big cooking knives... THUKTHUKTHUKTHUKTHUKTHUKTHUK!!! The things
aren't made for you to be gentle with 'em.
"Thank you, sirs, madams." The waiter collected the menus,
tucking them neatly inside the crook of his arm. "I'll be right back
with your Hors D'oeuvres."
hors d'oeuvres {not a proper noun, yes?}
Yup. Wonder why I did that....
"Easy for *you* to say," Ataru grumbled. "The babes go after you
just because you're so rich. I wish *I* had... MMMBGPH!"
{Isn't this too vague or incomplete for the wish to activate? Or does
the fact that Ranma guesses, or infers from context, what the wish will
be fill the gap? But he was able to grant Akane's (precisely expressed)
wish without knowing what it was...}
The wish didn't activate. Ranma voluntarily glomped Ataru as a way of
muffling whatever wish he was about to make. I'll think about whether I
can make that clearer.
"Doctor, don't be silly." A suppresed giggle. "I'm not in your
suppressed
Must remember: always run spellcheck before posting.
bedroom; I'm out here."
{"But if you'd *like* me to be in your bedroom...." :) }
TOFU: I thought you'd never ask!
AKANE: Stop! She's an impostor! I'm Kasumi! Take ME into your bedroom!
interrupting him. "This is Kasumi, the eldest of the family. Kasumi,
{Soun's the eldest of the family. "eldest daughter of the family",
"eldest of my sisters", or even just "my eldest sister", perhaps?}
Oh yeah.
"Er... thank you." Kasumi pulled back away from Mendo; her lip
curled for the briefest second, as if this guy disgusted even her.
{Ah, it is Akane. He would, too. She likes shy guys like Ryoga and
ruffians like Tarou, but Mendo types would raise her hackles, I think. I
guess Ranma's inferences do fill in ambiguities in the wishes.}
To a certain extent, yeah. He can't control it, but it's possible that
he might learn to do so at some point.
with Dr. Senmonka about this?"
{Oh, come on, Gary, I KNOW you can do better than that. :) }
Hmmm... Dr. My-brain-hurts-and-it'll-have-to-come-out?
{Didn't I see the "doctor, Doctor" routine on M*A*S*H? :) }
Probably. :)
"Because if she heard you, she'd probably say something like 'I
wish a frying pan would appear and strike you forcefully over the
head.'"
A loud clang resounded through the restaurant.
{ OW! Me, not him; I think I just sprained something laughing. Ow. }
Only hurts when you laugh, eh?
***
{Sure you want a scene break here? It seems OOP.}
POV shift. Also, Ranma needed time to recover. :)
so... immature? It was a simple question. Either he liked her, or he
didn't. Why couldn't he just stop acting like a jerk and tell her? Then
she could decide how she felt about him.
{Look in a damn mirror and ask again, Akane. :>}
Do as I say, not as I do. :)
He went back over what he knew so far. Fact: Akane had made a
wish before dinner, not telling him what it was. Fact: Akane had a crush
on Tofu, but Tofu only had eyes for Kasumi. Fact: Two wishes that
should've teleported Akane to the restaurant had both brought Kasumi
there instead. Fact: A wish to send Kasumi back had failed for no
apparent reason, but another -- one that hadn't referred to her by name
-- had worked.
{Your formatter bit you... emdash shouldn't be at the beginning of a line, yes?}
Yeah, will fix. I never really know how the lines are gonna wrap until I
post.
"Dad, it's my fault!"
All eyes turned. "Akane?"
{Whew. Saved by the tomboy.}
This was a last minute change, actually. My original idea was for Nabiki
to bail him out, thus earning another wish. I sent both endings to the
pre-readers and they all prefered this one.
Oh, rats. Well, maybe my ribs will heal; between Pastpresent 5 and this,
I think I exceeded the recommended daily dosage of crackups. If Anand
posts another chapter of Juxtapositions, I think I'll wait until
tomorrow to read it. :)
I haven't gotten that to preread recently, so unfortunately not.
I really admire this sort of rapid-fire, rollercoaster, slapstick-comedy
writing, and wish I could do it as well; I try, but mine always seems
forced and sluggish. This was just right.
Dying is easy. Comedy is tough. :)
As always, thanks for the insightful comments. Try and stay off that
sprain until it heals. ^_^
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html