I DREAM OF RANMA
Thanks to Fido, Krista, and Keener for prereading this chapter.
Announcements on my status and the like follow in the end notes. All C&C
will be greatly appreciated, and on-list responses are preferred.
Hearing and obedience. ~#:)
Episode 4:
My Dinner With Kasumi
"You probably wouldn't understand, Ranma." She smiled
enigmatically, as if to say, I'm a puzzle; you'll never figure me out.
{suggest} say: I'm
"I wish you had a martial arts trophy."
A statuette appeared in his hands, a gi-wearing man of metal,
standing atop a wooden base. "Huh? What's this for?"
"It's for you, Ranma! Isn't this why you go through all that
trouble to find new and better ways of beating people up? So that you
can get things like this?"
{Well, actually, no, but Nabiki might very well think so...}
"Oh well. You had your chance! I wish it was gone." She tapped
the trophy with her finger, and it popped out of existence like a
punctured balloon.
{Good thing she didn't tap something else instead.}
Ranma picked up his manga and tried to remember what page he'd
been on. No matter how hard he tried, there were some people he'd
*never* understand.
{And better so.}
Of course, that wasn't quite true. There were no 'nevers,' not
as long as the Tendos had their own resident genie. Akane's mind reeled
at the thought. Tofu could be utterly and hopelessly devoted to her, to
the point of worshipping the ground on which she walked. Just a few
words to Ranma's cursed form was all it would take.
8<
It was wrong. That was the bottom line, the only consideration
that mattered.
And yet, as she passed by a row of phone kiosks, she found
herself walking toward one of them....
{This is very well done: Akane jumps through all the hoops of
rationalization here, not missing a single indictment.}
Ranma had to marvel at Nabiki's acting ability. Her voice
shrieked and squeaked as if there were nothing between her ears; but her
eyes, glancing warily at him like a predator, told the truth. Or at
{"warily" doesn't quite work here; she's not wary of Ranma, she's not
wary of her mark. She's confident. "cunningly", perhaps? "craftily"?}
least what he thought was the truth.
Nabiki nodded, and took her hand off the phone. "My cousin Ranko
will be happy to go with us," she said, returning to her airhead
schoolgirl voice. "Oh, I'm so excited! See you soon, Mr. Mendo."
{ ! OK, now who's the friend-- oh. You wouldn't. Yes you would. Aiyah.}
"Right. Obviously, you can't go in your genie outfit." She
looked thoughtful for a moment. "There was a dress I was looking at
yesterday, two o'clock, at the store. I wish you were wearing a copy of
that dress, sized to fit you exactly."
{She's getting good at that.}
Nabiki picked up the receiver. "Hello?" She paused to listen.
"Yes, he is." Her head turned towards Ranma. "Yes, he is. Want to talk
to him?" She held the reciever out toward him. "It's Akane."
receiver
"Hello?" Ranma said into the phone.
"Ranma, there's something written on a piece of paper in front
of me." Her voice sounded a little sheepish. "I wish it would happen the
way it says."
{Uh oh.}
Her heart thundered in her chest. She couldn't believe she'd
actually done it. There was only one thing to say now.
"Oh my!"
{Oh... dear.}
Muted conversations rumbled through the restaurant. With eyes
downcast, waiters in white jackets and black bowties pushed carts
bow ties
carrying domed trays. Nabiki and Mendo sat on one side of the table,
with Ranma and Mendo's friend on the other.
It wasn't the dress that bothered him. The first few times he'd
worn girls' clothes, they made him feel like throwing up; but now he
up, but
didn't mind at all. Now, he was able to think of "Ranko" as a different
person. Ranko was wearing the dress. Not him. And there was nothing
wrong with her doing that, because after all, Ranko was a girl.
"I *like* instant ramen,* Moroboshi grumbled.
{Yup, that's what I thought. Lum can't be far away...}
"What a way with words you have, Mr. Mendo." Nabiki glanced into
the menu, and her eyes widened. "Ooh! Look at the wines they have. I've
always wanted to try some of these!" She looked up at Mendo.
{Is that legal? Does it matter? :) }
"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Ranma said with mock sincerity. "My martial
self-defense training makes me automatically throttle any boy who gets
too near me. I can't do anything about it."
{hehe!}
Moroboshi sat up, his expression suddenly sympathetic. "You mean
you have to do that every time? Even with a guy you really like?"
Ranma nodded, laughing silently. Now Moroboshi would have to
stop groping him, and he'd be able to eat in peace.
{Wrong!}
"That's horrible!" Moroboshi's face flared with determination.
"As a gentleman, it is my duty to help you overcome this problem."
"Huh?" Ranma blinked. "How?"
Moroboshi sprang forward and wrapped his arm around Ranma's
waist. "By letting you get used to it!" Ranma's fists began pounding on
him, but he held on with an iron grip.
{Shades of Juxtaposition's Ataru-Happousai alliance... :) }
She'd go back to
normal before anyone saw her and word got back to the real Kasumi that
she was somewhere tonight where she wasn't and she put two and two
together and realized what a rotten thing her little sister had been
doing.
{Conscience tied up, but not gagged; check. :) }
"Hi, Kasumi." Tofu moved to the side, clearing the way for her
to enter. "Come on in." He didn't seem the least bit surprised to be
seeing her. Why wasn't he going into one of his fits? Did he *know?*
Could he tell by looking at her, by some inner sense, that she wasn't
the real Kasumi?
{ <piku> Good question. Was wondering that myself.}
A knock echoed from below. "Huh?" Tofu said. "I wonder who that
{I think Tofu would say "Hmm?" rather than "Huh?", myself...}
could be. Excuse me for a moment, Kasumi." He turned and descended the
stairs. Curious, Akane leaned over and peered down.
"Kasumi?! How-- What--"
{ Oh... my. }
"Of course not, doctor." She looked quizically at him for a
moment, then giggled a bit. "I'll get started on the cooking. Why don't
you go get changed for dinner and then relax for a while?"
{ OK, so that's where Kasumi goes on her night off... but why isn't Tofu
acting up? This isn't gonna be one of THOSE fics, is it? O_o }
Unsure of what he expected to see, he opened the bedroom door a
little hesitantly. The room looked the same as it always had. His bed
was still unmade from the after-work snooze he had taken. Sounds from
the kitchen penetrated the walls, the rapid-fire slamming of knife into
cutting board.
{Suggest "clicking" or "tapping"; "slamming" is Akane. :) }
Tofu slapped himself on the forehead. Of course. It was so
simple. When Kasumi had knocked on the door, he was still half-asleep
from his nap. So, obviously, he'd dreamed about walking downstairs and
letting her in before her second knock woke him up and he actually did
it. He exhaled a long, relieved breath. Kasumi wasn't teleporting
around, and he wasn't going crazy.
{ Wrong! Well, right, technically, but-- }
He opened the closet door to fetch a change of clothes. From
inside, Kasumi looked up at him, smiling thinly.
Carefully, Tofu slid the door closed. He paused for a few
seconds.
"KASUUUUMIII!"
{Bwahahaha!}
"Thank you, sirs, madams." The waiter collected the menus,
tucking them neatly inside the crook of his arm. "I'll be right back
with your Hors D'oeuvres."
hors d'oeuvres {not a proper noun, yes?}
Naaaah. Of course it couldn't. How did such a silly thought get
into his head? It was probably Lum, sending him messages from space.
Fortunately, she wouldn't be back to Earth for another couple of weeks.
{Rats! Good lord, man, how could you resist the temptation?!}
Still... maybe it would be better to take it a little slower,
slower. {or} slower;
Ranko was obviously a shy, delicate flower of a girl. Being too forward
might scare her off. Better to talk to her, say some really smooth
things.
"So," Ataru said, "do you have any hobbies? Come here often?
What do you want to do after high school? What's your favorite color?
What do you do for fun?"
{Yeah, real smooooth. :) }
"Um... martial arts, no, martial arts, dunno, and martial arts,"
Ranko answered.
Mendo smirked derisively. "Your conversational skills are as
finely-honed as ever, Moroboshi."
"Easy for *you* to say," Ataru grumbled. "The babes go after you
just because you're so rich. I wish *I* had... MMMBGPH!"
{Isn't this too vague or incomplete for the wish to activate? Or does
the fact that Ranma guesses, or infers from context, what the wish will
be fill the gap? But he was able to grant Akane's (precisely expressed)
wish without knowing what it was...}
A facefull of Ranko's hair cut off Ataru's words. Her head
faceful {?}
nuzzled up against his face. Her arms tightly hugged his chest. Finally,
she'd gotten over her inhibitions. What a brilliant idea it was to talk
to her!
"Your appetizers, sir. Sir. Madam. Madam." The waiter set four
plates on the table as Ranko slipped quietly back to her own seat.
{What dispelled the wish? Not sure what's going on here...}
"Doctor, don't be silly." A suppresed giggle. "I'm not in your
suppressed
bedroom; I'm out here."
{"But if you'd *like* me to be in your bedroom...." :) }
Closing her eyes, Akane screamed a silent cry for help, though
she had no idea who she expected to hear it. *I'll never do anything
like this again. Please, please, get me out of here before my sister
finds out what a rotten thing I tried to do.*
A crack of light appeared as the door began to slide open.
{Cliffhanger! Er, clotheshanger! :) }
"Whoa, really?" Moroboshi's eyes widened, and his mouth dropped
open in a way that Ranma found disgusting. "Your sister must be really
sexy!"
{Uh oh.}
Moroboshi beamed a crooked smile at Nabiki. "I wish I could meet
your sister."
{Uh oh^2.}
D'oh, Ranma thought. He'd been so cheesed off that he'd stopped
paying attention. He looked around the room and saw Kasumi standing
behind Moroboshi.
{er... but which one? Either way, a hoot!}
Nabiki turned. "Oh, hello, sis!" She lowered her voice. "Sorry
Sis!"
about this. It's Ranma's... you-know what again."
you-know-what
Kasumi blinked a few times as her eyes scanned the restaurant,
and she nodded in understanding.
"This is your sister?" Moroboshi spun around in his chair,
leering at Kasumi. "I can see why all the boys are...."
"Not the sister I was talking about before, no,* Nabiki said,
no,"
interrupting him. "This is Kasumi, the eldest of the family. Kasumi,
{Soun's the eldest of the family. "eldest daughter of the family",
"eldest of my sisters", or even just "my eldest sister", perhaps?}
this is Shutaro Mendo, and Ataru Moroboshi."
"Er... thank you." Kasumi pulled back away from Mendo; her lip
curled for the briefest second, as if this guy disgusted even her.
{Ah, it is Akane. He would, too. She likes shy guys like Ryoga and
ruffians like Tarou, but Mendo types would raise her hackles, I think. I
guess Ranma's inferences do fill in ambiguities in the wishes.}
"Doctor...." She took ahold of his hand. "Maybe you should talk
took hold
with Dr. Senmonka about this?"
{Oh, come on, Gary, I KNOW you can do better than that. :) }
"Kasumi...." Tofu felt his face fluster. A dull ache pounded at
the back of his skull. "I know that I... lose control... when anyone
else sees the two of us together. But not when we're alone!"
{Oho.}
"Shouldn't you go see the doctor, Doctor? Just to let him know
what's happening?"
{Didn't I see the "doctor, Doctor" routine on M*A*S*H? :) }
"Ranma, how do you...." Akane swallowed, feeling a nervous lump
in her throat. "How do you feel about my sister?"
"Just between you and me?" Ranma paused, sighed, and continued
in a near-whisper. "I'd be happy if I never had to have anything to do
with her again."
{ O_o }
"Oh." Akane wanted to either cry or break something; she wasn't
sure which. Why did it matter? It wasn't like she really cared what a
jerk like him thought anyhow.
"I mean, sure she helps me out of trouble, but it's only so I'll
let her make wishes. And I ain't forgot about those pics of me she sold
to Kuno. And...."
{ BWAHAHAHAH! Oh, wonderful! }
"Because if she heard you, she'd probably say something like 'I
wish a frying pan would appear and strike you forcefully over the
head.'"
A loud clang resounded through the restaurant.
{ OW! Me, not him; I think I just sprained something laughing. Ow. }
***
{Sure you want a scene break here? It seems OOP.}
"Oh dear." Kasumi covered her mouth with her hand. "Are you all
right, Ranma?"
Ranma staggered to his feet. "No broplem!" The room started
spinning counter-clockwise around him. "Pro noblem!"
{Ow, ow, ow. :) }
A quick wish later, Akane was back in Tofu's bedroom, still
somewhat irritated at Ranma. Okay, so fooling him with her Kasumi
disguise may have been a dirty thing to do. But why did he have to be
disguise might have {?}
so... immature? It was a simple question. Either he liked her, or he
didn't. Why couldn't he just stop acting like a jerk and tell her? Then
she could decide how she felt about him.
{Look in a damn mirror and ask again, Akane. :>}
*Some genie you are, Ranma,* she thought to herself. *Here I go
and make a wish, and it brings nothing but trouble.* A tiny voice inside
her told her that from all the legends, wishes leading to nothing but
trouble was pretty normal for genies; she did her best to ignore it.
{Bingo.}
"I'm fine, Kasumi. Really, I am. Just a little headache. I think
I'll go take some aspirin."
Akane's eyes fell across Tofu's dresser, and she noticed the
half-empty bottle of aspirin atop it.
Eep.
{ Another clotheshanger! :) }
Tofu began to push open the bedroom door, then hesitated. His
head hurt, as if a vice were clamped to his temples, being twisted ever
tighter by the minute. An aspirin. That was what he needed. Just a
couple aspirin, and a little water, and it would be all right.
{ But who's he gonna call in the morning? :) }
No, of course not. As he'd told himself many times, there were
doctors in this world, and there were patients. Tofu had made up his
mind long ago to be a Doctor. Doctors didn't get sick; they helped sick
people get well.
{ Physician, heal thyself! }
A hand holding a bottle of pills greeted him. "Here's your
aspirin, Doctor."
"Ah, thanks, Kasumi." Tofu nodded as he accepted the bottle. He
turned around and stepped out, letting the door swing closed behind him.
No, he certainly wasn't going to see any... any more....
The bottle slid out of his hands and dropped into the dishwater
with a 'ploop.' "AAIIIIEEE!" he screamed.
{OW!!!!!}
"Of course not. I," Moroboshi proudly proclaimed, "would
*openly* date other girls. That's the kind of guy I am. What nature has
blessed me with is a natural resource that should be shared for the
benefit of as many as possible."
"Is there not an ounce of respect within you, Moroboshi?"
Mendo's expression showed disapproval, but also perhaps a touch of
jealousy; as if to say *people like you who think they're the gods' gift
to women are annoying to those of us who really are.*
{Those two, I swear...}
Moroboshi chuckled evilly. "I wish Nabiki's sister was here.
Then I'd date with her, too!"
Behind him, Kasumi popped out of nowhere. Ranma and Nabiki
sighed in unison.
{Aww. What, no eyes bugging out? And once again, we wait to see which
Kasumi it is...}
"What did you want me to see, Doctor? It looks like there's
nothing in here."
"Exactly, Kasumi. There's *nothing* here! If you were in here
while you were out there, that might mean that I'm hallucinating. But
you aren't! And this proves it!"
"Doctor... maybe you ought to get some rest?"
{...oh, that one. Ow. :) }
Leaning over, Nabiki whispered in Ranma's ear. "I wish Kasumi
was right back where she was a minute ago."
Ranma looked back at where Kasumi had appeared, and did a
double-take. She was still there.
{BWAHA-ow!}
Kasumi vanished. Ranma and Nabiki both breathed audible sighs of
relief. And Ranma began to wonder....
{Oh, god. He's going to come to the wrong conclusion somehow, I just
know it. But what?}
He went back over what he knew so far. Fact: Akane had made a
wish before dinner, not telling him what it was. Fact: Akane had a crush
on Tofu, but Tofu only had eyes for Kasumi. Fact: Two wishes that
should've teleported Akane to the restaurant had both brought Kasumi
there instead. Fact: A wish to send Kasumi back had failed for no
apparent reason, but another -- one that hadn't referred to her by name
-- had worked.
{Your formatter bit you... emdash shouldn't be at the beginning of a line, yes?}
She knew that she'd made her wish sometime around five-thrity, but when
thirty
precisely? "Sometime around" wasn't anywhere near good enough. Why
hadn't she checked and remembered the exact time? Idiot!
{The traditional way is to turn into a pumpkin at midnight... :) }
Stepping outside, Akane closed the door and walked away. From
inside, a scream erupted.
"ALL RIGHT! I'LL GO SEE THAT SPECIALIST!"
{Ow, ow, ow... classic mind destruction. Applause and a rib bandage. :) }
"Oh, hi, 'Kasumi,'" he said, emphasizing the name. "How'd your
night out go?"
She smiled. "Very well, thank you."
{Oh... crap. THAT misconclusion. Ow. :) }
"You TOMBOY! How could you for a *second* think that *anyone*
would fall for...." Ranma felt someone tap him on the shoulder. He
glanced over to see who it was. "Oh, hey, Akane. Hang on a sec." He
turned back to "Kasumi," who stared at him as if he were a madman. "Let
me tell you something. A girl as uncute as you has as much chance
of...."
Ranma stared at Kasumi. Then at Akane. Then back at Kasumi. Then
back at Akane again.
{BWA...ow. I can't take this any more. :) }
"Dad, it's my fault!"
All eyes turned. "Akane?"
{Whew. Saved by the tomboy.}
"I accidentally wished that Ranma would go insult someone else
instead of me. Should've known the idiot would pick somebody like
Kasumi."
{Whoa. Sharp.}
"Oh, don't worry." She chuckled. "I won't wish for anything
bad."
{And thunder rumbles...}
AUTHOR'S RAMBLINGS: After a change of location and job, I'm
finally settled in enough to continue my ongoing series. Hope you all
enjoyed this chapter, but please let me hear from you whether you did or
not. For the near future, I'll be putting this series aside again to
work on HaM and some other projects. But it'll be back eventually.
Oh, rats. Well, maybe my ribs will heal; between Pastpresent 5 and this,
I think I exceeded the recommended daily dosage of crackups. If Anand
posts another chapter of Juxtapositions, I think I'll wait until
tomorrow to read it. :)
I really admire this sort of rapid-fire, rollercoaster, slapstick-comedy
writing, and wish I could do it as well; I try, but mine always seems
forced and sluggish. This was just right.
I notice that my commentary was darn near a MST; perhaps next time. :)
- GK, 1/17/00
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html
Thanks for writing and sharing!
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