I promise, I will restrain from garroting myself until after I release
the final draft of it, if only for the one or two people actually liked
it.
Miller, Bert wrote:
I agree with Gary and Don that the intent of the story really
isn't clear. I'll try to cover both in my C&C.
And here is where I go beyond flamebait, and become a nuclear fusion
target...
I wasn't trying to create a comedy or a drama, not explicitly. I just
had an idea for a story, and let the characters as I perceived them run
with it. (Some who use this method say the characters themselves tell
them the story, and they are but diarists for the fictional ones. It
certainly does feel that way...) Sometimes this works, sometimes not.
>From the C&C, this one was more towards the "not" end, though it can be
salvaged. But I need to decide, comedy or drama. Maybe I'll go for the
easiest one; maybe I'll try to produce two versions - one for each take.
If I stab myself now for producing this junk, I should bleed to death
just before the comments about the next version roll in... -_-
[insert standard use-of-Ranmaverse disclaimers]
Ditto. Why bother if you're not going to show Takahashi respect here?
I have a longer, more formal version that I use for finished works.
You'll see it in the final version. I tend to be a bit more loose with
drafts. It goes something like this:
Mistress Ukyo
Written by: Adrian Tymes
[Legal disclaimer:
This story is based on characters created by Rumiko Takahashi.
Permission is granted to freely distribute this story, so long as:
a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person
who distributes the story, and
b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally
authored.
In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it.
Copyright (c) 2000, all rights reserved, et cetera.]
Will this suffice?
"Says who?"
"Says..." Ukyo blinked. "Akane, he's married to you. That means I
can't pursue him any more. If I'm going to maintain any sanity, I'm
going to have to go where I won't be reminded of him..."
"Or you could become his mistress."
"...or I could whahahey?"
"Ukyo...I've given a lot of thought to this. I don't want to lose you
as a friend. As large as that pervert's heart is, I don't doubt that
I'm going to wind up sharing him with *someone* someday.
Given that, I can't think of anyone I'd rather share him with than you."
"Akane..."
"I know, I know. I'd be lying if I said I'd rather not have
him all to myself. But I don't think that's possible, not for more
than a little while. He glomps onto you or Shampoo every chance he gets
as it is..."
Speaking as someone who has taken almost this exact path myself, in
my fics, I don't think you're giving Akane enough reluctance here.
I'd think about clueing the reader in on the infertility up here
somewhere, but even then, agreeing to this would be agony for Akane.
Perhaps some introspection, then? The wedding seems like a good point
to start the fic at, but Akane would have been thinking about this for
some time. Maybe she confronts her last bit of doubt just before making
the offer to Ukyo?
And where's Nodoka in this? Her role, and usefulness, in arranging
mistresses for Ranma is irreplaceable. Having Akane agree because
_Nodoka_ told her that Ranma "playing around" is inevitable is
quite different from Akane deciding that this is inevitable on her
own.
Part of the point of the story is that it is Akane's idea, for reasons
(mainly the infertility) she would rather not let people know.
There are also a number of Ukyou fans who wouldn't buy her immediate
agreement to such an arrangement.
Objection on the speed, or objection on her agreeing without significant
persuasion other than time to think it over?
"Say WHAT?!?"
"Ukyo will be your mistress."
"Don't I get any say in this?"
"No."
Basically, an author has a choice here. This Ranma is IC w.r.t.
libido, but OOC in agreeing anyway. The other option (the one
I used) was to have Ranma OOC w.r.t. libido. Takahashi's Ranma
would just start the "no way I'll ever..." all over again.
He isn't fully agreeing here. Perhaps I should have Ranma emphasize his
disagreement; to Akane, though, the decision is already made. See
below.
"Yeah, right. A 'friend' who would cut out her heart and leave it on
your doorstep if she thought it would please you. A 'friend'
who loves
you just as much as I do. A 'friend' whom you glomped AT OUR OWN
WEDDING!"
In canon, Ukyou is not in the habit of glomping Ranma the way
Shampoo is. And Akane isn't as blind as you make her out to
be in mistaking such events. While canon gives little clue
as to Akane's opinion on how much Ukyou loves Ranma, Akane saying
this of Ukyou doesn't ring true to me.
Eh? Akane doesn't say Ukyo glomped Ranma heer. She says Ranma glomped
Ukyo. (Even a gentle hug can be interpreted as a "glomp".)
Akane turned to look at her other sister, and had to suppress
a yelp of
fright.
"Eight hours. *Eight* *hours*. And all my recording equipment just
happens to be in for repairs."
"Eight hours, forty-one minutes, and ten seconds, actually."
Thus the recommended '[Lime]' tag. And putting lines like these
in is just screaming 'comedy'.
Point taken. I seem to have trouble telling what is a [Lime] from what
isn't.
"This isn't the way home."
"No, it isn't, Ranma. Remember? You're sleeping at Ukyo's tonight."
I'd have thought, somehow, that Akane'd be more of a traditionalist
on this. You could have a bit of fun with Akane consulting Nodoka
on how mistresses are supposed to work.
True. Even if the idea is her own, Akane would probably get Nodoka's
support in making Ranma a "manly man" in this fashion.
I'm not completely clear on this myself, but I'd think there might
be a tendency for Akane to insist that Ranma NOT sleep at Ukyou's,
or at least not for the whole night; that he return to the Tendo-ke
before dawn.
She wants him to get his fill, uninhibited. If she put any limitations
on this, he might turn to a third source...and then her official reason
for letting him have a mistress goes away, so she either reveals or
abandons her real reason. But how to convey this?
"Akane, Ukyo's my *friend*, not my *mistress*. I still think
of her as a guy sometimes. It'd be...weird."
This works for me.
Note: he's still objecting. He objects right up until the minute he
sees Ukyo.
"Welcome. Ukyo awaits upstairs." Konatsu seemed to, as usual,
materialize out of thin air.
What's Konatsu's attitude towards all this, anyway? Agreeing
to stand aside I can see, but what are his own desires?
For Ukyo to be happy. He devotes his life to Ukyo; if that means
helping her find happiness in the arms of someone else, so be it, so
long as he can still help.
"Hi, Konatsu. So, how long did it take?"
"I beg that I might once again slumber here."
"THEY'RE STILL AT IT?!?!? It's been, what, over 50 hours?"
"51, in a couple minutes."
<clip>
"Seriously. The Guinness people confirmed my count of 71.4 hours, but
this was not quite the record Ukyo had hoped it would be."
Again, there's just no way that this material can't have been
intended to be comedy.
Sorry to dissapoint. The characters were just running themselves; I was
not driving the story in any one direction.
"Chestnut Fist Revised..."
Nabiki rolled her eyes. It was *just* like Ranma to turn even *this*
The impression I got here is that you're putting in every single
joke you could think of. I'd think about trimming a bit; this one
just wasn't funny to me.
This definitely goes if I choose the drama direction. Perhaps it could
be moved to a duller point if I choose the comedy direction.
"Her sleep was plagued with nightmares, or so I suspect. She kept
mumbling something about 'can't'."
"'Can't become pregnant.'"
"Exact...Akane? You're up!"
"Morning, you two. Sorry about fainting like that. I guess maybe I
should've told you."
Ukyo's mind had already reached its conclusion, but Konatsu's - having
less direct experience with the subject - had not. "Told us what?"
"I'm infertile."
This is an abrupt change of tone. The only way to make this funny is
to turn this into very black humor, which you're not (successfully)
doing. Rather, this is where a comedy turns into a melodrama.
What exactly is "black humor"? Just humor about depressing situations?
"You mean, you wanted me to have his child?"
Why would Akane pick Ukyou for this role? Why not Kasumi or Nabiki?
Besides the fact that the child will inherit the Dojo, there's just
plain human nature: Nabiki's child by Ranma has a lot of genes
in common with Akane (and Akane would consider that she need not
worry about losing Ranma to Nabiki), whereas Ukyou's does not.
Relying on her sisters is one thing. Using her sisters as tools towards
her own ends is something else. Nabiki wouldn't bat an eye at doing
this; Kasumi wouldn't think of giving Ranma a mistress to begin with.
While Nabiki herself would not directly steal Ranma from Akane, she
might share Ranma further. Kasumi might be a possible alternate, if
they had shown the type of love that Ukyo had for Ranma.
"Yeah. Kinda selfish, maybe...it's my fault. Before I met Ranma, I
tried many ways to become stronger. Some standard and recommended,
some...not. The steroids, for example."
As Gary remarked, this needs work. Akane certainly _does_, in canon,
accept ability-boosting happenstance, and enjoy it, despite warnings
of unwise side-effects, but she doesn't go this far. You have a
number of options:
- If you do really want tragedy, just have her fall sick or
something. Or you could do something really heartbreaking
by saying she was actually born male, or semi-male, and 'fixed'
in infancy (Ranma, white-faced, as he remembers calling Akane
a tomboy; slipping and doing it again).
Nice idea. Here's another one; does it sound as plausible?
Soun agrees to train young Akane in basic martial arts, but gets
dissapointed in her "girlish" lack of strength. Akane goes to great
measures to please her father (having not yet grown disillusioned of
him), but nothing she does is good enough. Eventually, she hears about
certain chemical methods that might help further, and puts pressure on
Nabiki to obtain them for her. Nabiki does so, though Akane now feels
guilty about making her fear for her life for a bit.
- If you really want comedy, just refer to an extension of the
Super-Soba and dou-gi principle: "Remember Happosai's Super
Soba? Well, the following New Year's Happosai made up some of
this 'Hyper Soba', see, and it had this unfortunate side-effect..."
How about an attempt at Happosai repellant that Cologne tried to whip up
as a favor?
"Come on, you two. It's time for our son's fifth birthday!"
Ranma slowly stretched, and reflected on how life had changed. Nabiki
and Kasumi had moved out, but Ukyo and Konatsu took their places.
Why did Konatsu move in with Ukyou? It would be more like Ukyou,
as we know here, to leave him living at Ucchan's.
Konatsu wanted to take care of Ukyo, and Akane wanted Ukyo - and her
surrogate son - on a shorter leash. I should have specified that.
Nodoka had been pleased enough at how Ranma turned out that she asked
Genma and Soun to move in with her to leave him his own house
- and the dojo, too.
Soun moving out is implausible, unless you're deliberately being
so. At times this fic borders on that kind of humor, but you
don't consistently stick to it.
No matter which way I go, I need to add in a scene of Akane kicking Soun
out when Ukyo moves in.
When Ukyo's pregnancy forced her to take leave of her business, she
offered to let Shampoo take over - on the condition that
neither Mousse nor Cologne come with her.
Does this mean that Ukyou _sold_ the business, or just took a leave
of absence from running it? The latter is plausible, the former not
(without financial details you don't provide).
Point.
The other Amazons had been outraged at such
a blatant attempt to remove one of their finest warriors from their
influence, but Ukyo convinced Shampoo to file for political asylum and
start a new life in Japan, mainly by pointing out that to return in
failure meant near-certain death. Cologne and Mousse were summarily
deported on suspicion of conspiracy to murder a new Japanese citizen.
Shampoo still came over from time to time, but only as a friend now.
There was no doubt that she truly had loved Ranma at one
point, but only honor kept her from even thinking letting her heart
hold any other emotion - honor in a system that she no longer cared about.
There are a number of implausibilities here. If deliberate, okay;
but you have to stick to that tone once adopted. Otherwise, all of
this needs work. Why even keep Shampoo around? You don't really use
her later on. Given that she IS around, why is she content to stay
out of this arrangement?
Now that Shampoo is free of her past, she is free to change, and to find
other interests besides Ranma. You're right, I should have used her a
bit more.
Akane and Ukyo enjoyed sharing the responsibility of raising his son.
"Enjoyed sharing"?
What it sounds like. They shared the responsibility, and enjoyed doing
so. You mean verb usage like this isn't common?
"What do you MEAN, two only?"
"This is for the parents of the child. Our apologize, Mrs.
Saotome, but he is not your son..."
Here you pose the question, but don't answer it, about the legal
status of the son. Is he legally illegitimate, with concomittant
social disadvantages in Japan? Or is he, on paper, Akane's child?
For a tragedy, this part _must_ be plausible; for certain kinds
of comedy it need not be.
He's Ukyo's and Ranma's, through and through. Either way I go, I could
probably play up the disadvantages.
"Nuh-uh. Strangers got names, mommy and daddy got names, friends got
names, but you're none of those. You're just 'lady'."
<clip>
"Konatsu. He's a friend, so he's got a name. But Ukyo says
you're the lady of the house. So you're 'lady'."
While darkly humorous, in a way, given a LOT of suspension of
disbelief, this is completely implausible. What was the boy told
growing up? Nothing at all, about the woman who "shared the
responsibility of raising" him?
The kid's being a brat. Ukyo's his mother, so he has an excuse to be
mean to this other woman who's trying to be his mother - or, at least,
that's his logic.
"Very well." Kasumi symbolically snapped her handheld scheduling
computer shut. "Meet me at the front door at 11 PM next
Wednesday. The
surveillance will be down for maintenance at that time, and
no one will
be using the machines. If anyone asks, tell them that I'm
giving you a
tour of the hospital. I did invent the procedure, so everyone will
believe that I'm just showing it off if they don't see me
actually using it on you."
So Kasumi agrees, just like that, after being mildly OOC for
the entire scene. And what was the point of all this?
It's not funny, particularly; it just seems like round-about
Akane-bashing, given the way you use it later.
Intended as a reprisal of Akane leaning on her sisters to get what she
wants. Maybe I should draw more explicit parallels with that.
"Ranma...you're so cold..."
<clip>
"Maybe. Ranma's awfully cold and stiff this morning."
A thought struck Ukyo, but she smiled it off. "Eh, you finally killed
him."
"You think so?!?!?"
Ukyo blinked. "Of course not. I mean...you *did* check his pulse,
right, so you know he's not...you didn't..."
Akane applied two fingers to his neck.
"Is he..."
Akane nodded. "I...I didn't even think about it...he just
collapsed, I
thought he was just exhausted...you're right, Ukyo. *I* killed him."
With a little work, this could be quite funny, in a very black
sort of way. It had _better_ be funny, given that both women's
reaction is extremely OOC if you meant this seriously (Akane would
be suicidal; Ukyou would be willing to oblige).
What you seem to be trying for here is Gary Kleppe's line:
"Ranma is dead. Oh well, what's for breakfast?"
Actually, this was my take on them. As shown by the next scene.
"Let the record show that Ranma Saotome died of natural causes,
specifically heart failure. The motion by Akane Saotome to convict
Akane Saotome of murder is hereby dismissed."
Amusing, but implausible. Akane is Japanese; suicide is _MUCH_
more acceptable there than here, and not done in this way.
Hmm...maybe. Perhaps Akane should agonize over whether to suicide for a
couple weeks, just long enough for the pregancy to become detectable and
give her a reason to live.
"One last piece of Ranma survives."
Suddenly, Akane no longer felt like celebrating.
Huh? Why not?
Reminded of Ranma.
Akane dared not look her childhood crush in the eyes.
"Do you have *any* idea how long she agonized about it, both
before and after the deed itself? Time was, she'd do anything
for you. But you have crossed the line."
Neither funny nor plausible, which means it comes across as
Akane-bashing. If Kasumi invented such a procedure, she'd
be agonizing over decisions like this every week.
Agonizing over how/whether to save the life of a stranger is of smaller
magnitude than doing so for a loved sibling.
"Dr. Tofu, please. I'm just here for my checkup results."
"And they asked me to deliver 'em because they knew I'd tell you what
they wanted to say - but only I have an excuse. You've bungled it
again, Akane. First it was steroids, this time...the child's
chance of survival is 30 percent. Odds are, if you carry this to
birth, the child will be stillborn. And your chance of survival
ain't that rosy either. You'll have to abort."
Now _this_ is tragedy, and doesn't fit into a comedy (except
possibly as preliminaries, but the eventual joke had better
be _damn_ good).
And Tofu is still OOC: "bungled it again"?
The verbage, maybe, but I can definitely see him getting that angry over
this.
"Push, Akane, PUSH!"
"I am pushing. ERRGH! Lousy good-for-nothing painkillers, why'd they
have to not work on ME?"
"The doctor told you. You've trained your senses so well, your body
kicks out any attempt to dull them. Payback's a bitch, huh?"
Maybe I missed something, but did we ever get told why Ukyou stopped
with one child?
Some couples decide to have one kid; others, many. This needs any
explanation?
The echo of the earlier scene is amusing.
I thought I was pushing it a bit...
"Is that what he GAAAH! said? Had a hard time translating his jargon.
ERRGH! Where's Ranma, anyway?"
Ukyo faltered for a moment, but maintained her grip on Akane's hand.
"He'd be here if he could, honest. Now PUSH!"
This part of the echo doesn't quite work as either black humor or
tragedy. Black humor would require that his dug-up body is sitting
around nearby (think Chevy Chase's initial 'Vacation' movie, with
grandmother strapped to her rocker). Tragedy would required that
you NOT echo the rest of the earlier scene.
...and this is why.
"Congratulations. It's a girl."
"...Akane?"
Black humor requires a bit more here: "'...Akane?' Ukyou put
two fingers to Akane's neck, then pulled a sheet over her
face. 'Oh, well.' " And to be completely plausible, Akane'd
have to have made an issue about giving birth at home rather
than a hospital.
Eh? Why would she have had to have made an issue?
"Come on, you two, we're going to visit your mommy's and daddy's
marker."
"She ain't my mommy. Never was."
"And she ain't my mommy *or* my daddy. You're the only
parent I've ever had, mamma Ukyo, and I love you as much as he
loved you *and* his daddy."
"Do not."
"Do too."
Ukyo rested her head in her hands. Perhaps she would not take them to
see the grave after all. Perhaps she would go alone this time; only
those that respected the dead would be there. Which was now an
audience of only her and Shampoo.
Disrespectful children can be funny, but these are simply appalling.
They're hard to follow, too, which needs work. Ukyou strikes
me as OOC in tolerating such behavior, which means that this only
works as the sort of 'implausibility-humor' I alluded to above.
Given the problems people have been finding with it, "implausibility
humor" does not sound like a valid path.
Unfortunately, the last paragraph reverses course again, to melodrama
or tragedy. If you're using 'implausibility-humor', you have to
END with it, not veer back actually respecting the dead. And did
you really keep Shampoo around just for this?
I was not quite satisfied with the ending, but I don't know how to
better end it.