Warning: This fanfic is rated PGS for mild swearing and because some
parts, and really the entire fanfic, tends toward excessive
sillyness.
Standard disclaimers apply- I didn't create anything but the bad
guys.
Sailor Moon: The Rejected Episodes
A continuing fanfic by Kristin Renee Taylor
Episode 7: "How to Get Ahead in Life"
[Setting: The Hikawa Jinja - Rei's room.]
[The Senshi are gathered around Rei's table. Minako, Makoto,
Usagi, and Chibi-Usa are fawning over Lupis, the werewolf turned
incredibly cute wolf cub. Ami is reading a book titled 'Genetic
Engeneering for Dummies.' Luna and Artemis are curled up on Rei's
bed. Rei, however, is missing.]
Ami: Aha! This explains everything!
[Usagi looks up from the wolf cub.]
Usagi: What explains everything, Ami-chan?
[Ami looks up from the book.]
Ami: This (waves book in air) explains why everybody was acting so
strangly in Episode Five!
Usagi: How does that book explain it?
Ami: Well, it's really easy --
[Rei's phone rings. Usagi answers it.]
Usagi: Moshi Moshi. Oh hi, Mamo-chan! What's up? (frowns) Another one
of those stupid youma are attacking the mall?
[The others are paying attention to Usagi now.]
Usagi: You want us to come and help you out? (listens) Okay, I'll ask
them. (clamps hand over reciever) Mamo-chan wants to know if somebody
can go and buy him some sugar. He's out.
Makoto(stands): I'll go. We need to get Lupis some doggie treats.
Minako(stands): I'll go with you.
[Lupis barks happily.]
Lupis(thought): I think I can get use to being five months old again.
[Minako scoops up Artemis.]
Minako: Come on, lazy bones. (to Chibi-Usa) Wanna tag along,
Chibi-Usa-chan? We'll get ice cream.
Chibi-Usa: Let's go!
[The five leave, Artemis grumbling irratably.]
Usagi(to Mamoru): Makoto and Minako are on their way. (listens) Your
quite welcome, Mamo-chan. Now you be careful fighting that icky
youma, okay? (listens) Of course I'll be thinking of you! (listens)
Love you, too. Take care!
[Usagi hangs up and sits back down.]
Usagi: Now, what were you saying, Ami-chan?
Ami: Oh! Um, well, it's like this, Usagi-chan. You remember that
mysterious gas that got sprayed everywhere?
Usagi: Yep.
Ami: Well, it made everyone go temporarily insane.
Usagi: Cool!
Luna: That is not cool, Usagi-chan.
Usagi: Yes it is, Luna. I think it's really neat that I'm crazy.
[Luna sighs heavily.]
Ami: Actually, the insanity part of the gas wore off quite a while
ago. At least I hope it wore off. Lately it has gotten very difficult
to determine who is sane in this story and who's insane. And my
computer can't seem to tell the difference, either. But, like I said,
most of the effects of the gas have worn off.
Luna: 'Most,' Ami-chan?
Ami(nods): Unfortunetly, there seems to be an unforeseen side effect
that
is still affecting us even though are sanity has improved.
Luna: And that side effect is?
[Rei bursts into the room, scaring the mess out of Usagi. The blonde
shrieks and dives behind Ami.]
Rei(annoyed): Geez, Usagi, just because I walked into my own home
uninvited doesn't mean you have to lose your head over it.
Ami(shocked): Rei-chan, don't say that!
Rei(annoyed): Kami-sama, Ami-chan. I can't help it if she keeps
losing her head --
[Ami leaps up and covers Rei's mouth with her hand.]
Ami: No, Rei-chan! You musn't say anything that could be taken
literally!
Rei(muffled): Mphm?
[There is a loud thud. Ami and Rei turn and in Usagi's direction.]
Rei(stunned): Kami-sama...
Ami(stunned): Oh dear...
[Usagi, or rather, Usagi's body is sitting on the floor, arms
flailing wildly. Her head, from the shoulders up, is missing.]
Ami: This is the side effect that I mentioned. Whatever we say is
more or less taken literally and manifests itself in the physical
plane.
Rei(not listening): Huh?
Ami(faint): If you say it, it happens.
[There is a second thud. Ami and Rei turn in time to see Luna pass
out and fall onto the floor.]
Rei(faint): So, in other words, Usagi's lost her head.
Ami(faint): Exactly.
[There is a long silence. Rei breaks it by freaking out.]
Rei(hysterical): What are we going to do, Ami-chan? We can't leave
her like this! She can't live like that for long! Think of what the
others are going to say? (gasp) Think of what her *parents* are going
to say? They're gonna kill us! We've got to find Usagi's head!
Ami: Rei-chan, calm down.
Rei(hysterical): Calm down? *Calm* *down*?! For Bob's sake, we lost
Usagi's *head*! How on earth are we going to explain this to everyone
else?
Ami(puzzled): Bob? Who the heck is Bob?
Rei: Will you stop being so bloody sane? Freak out and help me feel
better.
[Rei starts to pace.]
Rei: Kami-sama, look at me. I'm beside myself with --
Ami(sharp): Rei!
[Rei winces.]
Rei: Oh yeah, the talking thing. (gasp) Ami-chan, the other's don't
know to control their mouths! What if they say something stupid?
Ami: I've already thought of that. We'll just have to drug them. That
should keep them from making sense.
Rei(alarmed): What?!
Ami(defensive): So it's not the brightest idea I've had. What are you
going to do? Sue me? (scoffs) It really isn't that much of a stretch
if you think about it. Apparently I don't make much sense to you guys
anyway.
Rei(pales): Ami-chan, did you hear what you just said?
Ami(angry): Couldn't understand me, huh? I bet you want me to repeat
myself in Japanese, right Rei?
Rei(angry): Wait just a minute, Ami. *I'm* not the one that thinks
that I don't make sense.
Ami(angry): Now I get it. I suppose the only thing you ever hear me
say is gibberish, right?
Rei(growl): Ami...
Ami(angry): Well... (shouts) Purple Froody Toad Flatulence.
[Silence.]
Rei(confused): What?
Ami(angry): You heard me! I said 'Purple Froody Toad Flatulence!'
(blinks, mutters) Why would I say something so utterly nonsensical?
[Realization dawns on her. You can almost see the light bulb go off
over head. In fact, a light bulb does cut on over head, but immediatly falls
to the ground and shatters. Ami pales.]
Ami(faint): Uh, oh.
Rei(confused): Ami-chan?
Ami(faint, to Rei): It appears as though I have been affected by the
insanity gas as well. (pause) Pen Paper going bye-bye.
[They stare at each other for a long time.]
Ami(controlled): Okay, so I'm turning plaid - I mean incoherent.
There's got to be homey groovy asterik this. Any crackers, Rei-chan?
[Rei's answer is to stare at Ami in horror.]
Ami(controlled): Alright, no help F4. I can homer this. (slow,
controlled) All...I...have...to...do...is...track...stop...ogle.
[Ami freaks out.]
Ami(hysterical): Who am I blastfarthing? I have a better chance of
having my thought processes stop then - (pales) I think I just made a *big*
mistake.
[Ami's eyes go vacant and she collapses into a blubbering, incoherent
heap.]
Rei(alarmed): Ami-chan!
[She crouches next to the dazed Senshi and starts to shake her.]
Rei: Ami-chan? Are you all right? Say something!
[Ami looks at Rei and smile vacantly.]
Ami: My mother smells like old paste.
Rei: What?
[Ami reaches up and pinches Rei's cheek.]
Ami(adoring): Purple rhinos fluff giant advacados.
Rei: Quit it, Ami-chan. This isn't funny.
Ami(bland): Groovy dancers eat Crisco. Like my toothpaste, giant
hacked-up hairball?
Rei: Dang, she's still not making any sense!
[Rei hears pounding footsteps behind her. She turns around in time to
see Usagi's body sprint through her door.]
Rei: Oh no! (starts shaking Ami again) Ami! Ami! Snap out of it!
(angry, shouts) Wake up, you retard, and help me!
Ami: Of course spiral ginger spends paper mattress.
Rei(sigh): I guess this means I have to take charge. (nods) Okay, the
first thing to do is to find Usagi's body. Then I'll find her head.
And *then* I'll worry about Ami-chan.
[She looks at Ami and sighs heavily.]
Rei: But I can't leave Ami-chan here. She'll proabaly do something
incredibly stupid and accidentally kill herself.
[She hauls Ami to her feet.]
Rei: Hey, Ami-chan, do you feel like traveling? Can you at least be
semi-coherent?
Ami: Hi, I'm Bobbin. Are you my mother?
Rei(sigh): That'll have to do.
Ami: .desufnoc gnitteg era sessecorp thguoht ym taht tsuj s'tI
.nahc-ieR ,enas etiuq m'I ,yllautcA
Rei(weary): This is going to be the *longest* day of my life.
[She leaves, dragging the incoherent Ami with her.]
[Setting: FALCORP, a conference room.]
[Drexyl, Jedite (in a straightjacket and frothing at the mouth),
and Cal (looking extremely tired, dazed, and mostly dead) are sitting in
various chairs.]
Cal(monotone): ive discoverd that i hate my life
Drexyl: Why? What happened to you?
Cal(monotone): i had a very long discussion about hot dogs
Drexyl(surprised): What's so bad about that?
[Cal slowly turns to look at her.]
Cal(monotone): i was talking with stephanie
[Drexyl pales. Cal slowly turns back around and stares at nothing in
particular.]
Drexyl(sympathetic): Oh my. You poor girl.
[She pats Cal on the shoulder. Cal winces painfully.]
Cal(monotone): please don't pat me on the shoulder doc. i'm kinda
sore
Drexyl: Why are you sore?
Cal(monotone): well, let's see
[She starts to count on her fingers.]
Cal(monotone): sailor venus tried to kill me. i had a safe dropped on
me. i had a player piano fall on me. and i plunged headfirst into the
bermuda triangle (looks at Drexyl) i think that pretty much somes it up
[A door opens. Everyone looks up as Stephanie and the nameless
purple-haired woman enter. Stephane glares at the trio and walks to
the head of the table. The woman takes up a position by the door and
quickly fades into the shadows.]
Stephanie: My faithful employees --
[Jedite starts to whimper. Stephanie rolls her eyes.]
Stephanie(mutters): -- and Jedite.
[The former Dark Kingdom general grins and proceeds to bang his head
against the table repeatedly. Stephanie picks up a chair and hits him
with it.]
Stephanie(angry): Quit it, you moron!
[Jedite smiles and drools heavily. Stephanie sighs.]
Stephanie: As I was saying. My faithful employees and Jedite, (glares
at Jedite) it appears that we have a problem. Due to a certain group of
teenage girls that have habitually foiled my plans, we have become
seriously understaffed. Now, there is no need to panic.
Jedite: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Stephanie(angry): I said there is *no* need to panic, you doorknob!
Jedite: Oh. Sorry.
[Stephanie takes an extremly deep breath and counts to ten. She lets
it go.]
Stephanie: To continue, we must do something about these girls. Any
ideas?
Drexyl(thoughtful): Well, we can try to lure them into the FALCORP
building. Once there, we'll drug them and I'll use them for test
subjects.
Stephanie: Interesting idea, Dr. Drexyl. (glares at Cal) What do you
think, *Cal*?
[Cal flinches.]
Cal: If it is okay with you, Ms. Hawks, I would like to have more
time to consider the situation to its fullest extent.
Stephanie(smiles sharkily): Of course, Cal.
Jedite(eager): Oh! Oh! Pick Jedite! Jedite have idea!
Stephanie(muttered): What the heck, I'm desperate. (aloud) Do you
have an idea, Jedite?
Jedite(eager): Yes! Plan very simple. Jedite create big illusion of
himself over Tokyo and challenge Senshi to fight at the Tokyo
International Airport, or else Jedite burn Tokyo!
[Stephanie bows her head and rubs the bridge of her nose.]
Stephanie(low, angry): Jedite, are you aware of the fact that the
plan you have just told me (shout) IS THE EXACT SAME PLAN THAT YOU USED
BEFORE BERYL PUT YOU IN THAT BLASTED CRYSTAL?!
Jedite(puzzled): It is?
Stephanie(shout): Yes, you Light-blasted moron! It is!
Jedite: Hmm. (pause) Did Jedite's plan work before?
Stephanie(shout): Of course it didn't you --
[Stephanie struggles to regain her control.]
Stephanie(calm): No, Jedite. It didn't work. If I recall correctly,
you were run over by an airplane, and then Beryl decided that you were
totally incompetent and worthless -- (muttered, sarcastic) -- Although I can
hardly see why -- (aloud) and froze you in eternal sleep, or some other
eternal torment thingy.
Jedite: Ah. This must explain why I am still alive. Queen Beryl must
have lost to the Senshi. Your purple-headed bodyguard found me in the
Artic Circle and rescued me. The lovely Dr. Drexyl here defrosted me. And
now here I am. (pause) Man, I could sure go for some Dark Kingdom
McDonalds now.
Cal: They had a McDonalds in the Dark Kingdom?
Jedite: Sure. Those things are everywhere. In fact, we even had a
version of America's Disney World: The Dark DisneyKingdom. It was total
flop, of course.
Stephanie(deadly): What does this have to do with anything, Jedite?
Jedite: Absolutetly nothing. I'm just rambling.
Stephanie(deadly): So none of you have any ideas?
[There is mass panicking.]
Drexyl: Why don't you ask her?
[She points to the mass of shadows behind Stephanie. Stephanie
glances at it. It shrugs.]
Woman: Don't look at me, I'm just a bodyguard.
Jedite(puzzled): You've been here since the first episode and yet, I
haven't heard anybody mention your name once. Do you even have a
name?
Woman(angry): Of course I have a name!
Cal: What is it?
Woman: It's --
[She is cut off by a large pop and the appearance of Usagi's head on
the conference table. Everybody stares at her. ]
Usagi's Head: Woah. That was wierd.
Stephanie: What the bloody hell is *that*?
[Drexyl leans over and pokes Usagi in the ear with a pen.]
Usagi's Head: Ow! Hey, watch it with that pen!
Drexyl: I think it's a head.
Stephanie: I *know* it's a head, Drexyl. What is it doing here?
Drexyl: Apparently, it is sitting there looking at us.
Jedite: AAAHHH!!! It's the evil demon b--
The Author: No profuse swearing, Jedite. I will allow damn and hell,
but not anything else. Got that?
[Jedite whimpers. Stephanie glares at the Author.]
Stephanie: Will you stop butting in like that? If you keep this up,
we just might consider it a self-insertion fic.
The Author(aghast): You wouldn't dare...
Stephanie(grinning evilily): Try me.
[The Author considers this threat carefully.]
The Author: But... I like interfering. It's my right as the Author.
[The purple-haired woman steps up to Stephanie and whispers in her
ear. Stephanie blinks and smiles.]
Stephanie: That's the best idea I've heard all day. (to The Author)
You like interfering?
The Author(warily): Yeah... Why?
Stephanie: Finish this episode, then meet me in my office. I have a
proprosition for you.
[The Author frowns, not liking Stephanie's tone of voice. Then she
shrugs and briefly re-writes history.]
Stephanie: I *know* it's a head, Drexyl. What is it doing here?
Drexyl: Apparently, it is sitting there looking at us.
Jedite: AAAHHH!!! It's the evil demon head! It's Sailor Moon!
Usagi's Head: AAAHHH!!! It's Jedite! (thoughtfully) Or is it Jaedite?
[The Author points out that it's Jedite. The other form is to hard
for her to spell with any consistancy. At a stern glare from Stephanie, the
Author fades back into the darkness from whence she came.]
Stephanie: Jedite, are you sure?
[Jedite howls madly.]
Jedite(angry): Jedite know Sailor Moon when he sees her. (points at
Usagi's head) *That* is Sailor Moon.
Usagi's Head(calm): Yeah, and I would know that rotting stench
anywhere. I'm surprised to see you alive, Jedite. What happened? Did Beryl
finally decide to let you off for not beating us?
[Jedite scowls. Usagi smirks.]
[Stephanie studies the head carefully.]
Stephanie: So, you are the vaunted Sailor Moon. The leader of the
dreaded Senshi. And the one that has been ruining my plans.
Usagi's Head: Yep. That's me.
Stephanie(frowns): But, you're just a head!
Usagi's Head: And your a big, mean and nasty person! So what?
[Stephanie glowers at the head for a moment.]
Stephanie(staring at the head, low): Cal.
[Cal jumps, startled.]
Cal(uneasy): Y..Yes?
Stephanie(low): Find Sailor Moon's body. (looks at Cal, her eyes
start glowing) Or else.
[Cal swallows hard and stands hastily. She salutes.]
Cal(scared): S-Sure. I-I'll find it.
[Cal vanishes in a swirl of smoke.]
[Stephanie's eyes return to normal. She stares at Usagi's head,
which continues to glare defiantly back at her.]
Stephanie: Doctor Drexyl.
[Drexyl stands.]
Drexyl: Yes?
Stephanie(points to Usagi's Head): Take that back to the lab and test
it. Find out why it's just a head. (stares hard at Drexyl) I want the
full report on my desk by tomorrow morning.
[Drexyl nods and picks up Usagi's Head (which protests this
violently, but is totally ignored). She leaves through the doors.]
[Stephanie sits in a chair. She places her elbows on the table,
steeplng her fingers. She peers over her fingertips at Jedite.]
Stephanie: Well, Jedite. Despite my better judgement, I'm actually
going to use you for something.
[Jedite starts to grin, but it fades when Stephanie's eyes flare
red.]
Stephanie(hard): I do not intend on letting you screw this up,
Jedite. You are going to listen to every word I say and you are going to
obey me. Have I made myself *clear*?
[Jedite nods hurridly. Stephanie's eyes return to normal.]
Stephanie: Good. Now, this is what I want you to do...
[Fade out.]
******THE END******
Will Mamoru get his sugar? Will Usagi regain her body? What is
Stephanie telling Jedite? Will Ami regain her wits? What does the Author
have to do with any of this? And *what* is that purple-haired woman's
name??? (One guess, and no, it's not Shampoo.)
Perhaps the answers to these questions lie in the next episode. But
you'll never know unless you watch. So stay tuned to for the next thrilling
and nonsensical installment of Sailor Moon: The Rejected Episodes! (Now with
200% more caffine!)
Criticisms? Comments? Ideas? Send them to me at gelles@yahoo.com
This has been a production of Blueberry Enterprises.
--------------------------------
Kristin Renee Taylor - Bad Gal Extrodinare, Aes Sedai of the Green
Ajah, and owner of a multitude of evil animals
B'ENT - Home of SAILOR MOON: THE REJECTED EPISODES
http://www.geocities.com/sailorfalcon/
MoonieCode(0.7.15)
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