"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:
After finishing their ice cream, Ranma and Akane spent the rest of the
day together. They walked all over town, talking. Ranma amused Akane
with tales of the places he and his father had visited, and she told
him what it was like to live in the same house her entire life. While
Ranma envied her for that, Akane found herself wishing she could have
visited some of the more exotic places Ranma had found himself in.
Seems to me some or all of this could bve shown in a scene pretty
easily, rather than summarized. A few lines of dialog would probably do
it.
They turned around. Akane's friend Yuka was standing in the hallway,
a broom in her hands.
"Ranma, this is my friend Yuka."
"She lives on the second floor."
"Yes, I think I've seen her before."
Yuka looked at Ranma, then walked around him.
"Why are you doing that?"
"Kuno says you're a monster that turns into a girl. Is that true?"
Geez, little miss politeness. :)
Ranma realized he'd dug himself into an extremely deep hole. There
was a possible way out of it, if he chose his words carefully, and if
Akane would take his cues.
"Nabiki, you think I challenged Akane to be her boyfriend?"
"Well, yes! What other reason would you have for it?"
"Akane told me this has been going on for months. Don't you think she
might be getting a little bit tired of it?"
This Ranma lacks the loveable thickheadedness of the canon version, and
that (to me, at least) makes him somewhat less interesting. He really,
IMO, needs more personality quirks or flaws or something, the way Akane
has in this series.
[bigsnip]
His rival was good. Very good. However, that fact didn't give him
the right to claim Akane.
"Just wait, Saotome. After what I do to you today you won't be able
to hold up your head in Nerima, let alone in this school."
This line could stand to be more Kuno-ish. As written, it sounds more
like Ryoga to me.
Also, the descriptions don't quite sound right for Kuno. Not enough
self-delusion. Kuno sees himself as the defender of the high moral
ground. To him, Ranma is in the wrong and he's in the right, and that
really doesn't come through here.
All in all, interesting so far. Please continue.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html