"Kevin D. Hammel" <kevinsff@pacbell.net> wrote:
A nineteen-year-old woman worked in the kitchen getting the evening
meal ready. Her long hair was corralled in a ponytail to prevent it
>from interfering with her life too much. Looking at the clock, she
realized it was time to start the rice cooker. The kitchen appliance
was dented, like all the other devices in the room. A glance at the
cupboard showed that the plastic tub of rice was almost empty. <Gotta
bring more rice down from my room.> She made a mental note to herself.
After the proper amount of rice and water were added to the device,
she turned it on only to be greeted by the 'done' chime. A sour
expression crossed her face for a moment; then she hit the machine
hard in JUST the right place to make it work this time. So it was that
a new dent joined the multitude. With a fresh smile, she turned her
attention to tonight's entree.
This paragraph, compared to the rest of the story, is rather disjointed
and choppy. There's also things here that beg to be expanded upon; in
what way does her hair interfere with her life?
Suddenly, the eldest girl shot upright and bolted up the stairs.
Sounds that could only be described as wildly chaotic emerged from her
bedroom for a few seconds, and then she appeared in her doorway
wearing a well-worn pink gi.
Father stood and looked sternly at his daughter. "What are you doing
wearing THAT?"
"Because, Daddy..." The girl said, then flipped over the railing and
plunged down from the top of the stairs to the floor. "I'm a martial
artist."
This to me was the most interesting part of the story, and I think it
could be played up more. There's gotta be some great internal conflicts
here, with daughter 1 wanting to be a martial artist but also wanting to
make her father happy.
There are moments that are frozen in the mind forever, and the scene
that greeted the two girls upon opening the door was one of them.
Not really that it's frozen in the mind but rather it's been re-done in
most every AltUniv fic. :)
Thanks for reading, and PLEASE let me know what you think!
Not bad. I would've liked to see more of Akane's thoughts and internal
struggles; I think the conflict between her as a martial artist and as
housekeeper has the potential to make this more than just a neato
concept fic.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html