"Stiffany" <stiffanie@mail.com> wrote:
As promised, the long-delayed WFY 7.
As never promised, my long-delayed C&C on this chapter. :)
Again, everyone fell silent, as each tried to come to terms with the
revelation. Ranma - dead. Two words no one ever expected to be linked
together in a single sentence. For he was just so brave, so strong, so
fast, death seemed like an alien concept for him. He'd defeated Musk
princes and phoenix kings and all sorts of evil onis... and in the end,
finally killed by bandits in a forest.
The plural of "oni" is simply "oni." Adding an "s" is an English thing.
:)
Kasumi headed into the kitchen, her eyes darkening as she remembered
Akane's anguished suffering before she fainted in Shinnosuke's arms. She
briefly wondered what her sister would do when she told her about this
latest discovery.
*Whatever forces are toying with my sister's fate,* she thought sadly,
*please, haven't you done enough? How much more can a person take?*
** ANSWER UNCLEAR; ASK AGAIN LATER. **
Like a broken doll, Akane's whole body sagged, and her left arm went
limp, dropping the knife. The blade hit the tiles with a resounding
clang.
A gentle smile played across Akane's lips as she slowly drifted off into
oblivion. *I'm coming, Ranma. Wait for me.*
Nice. Very powerful scene.
Nabiki hurried over to the door, thankful when the knob turned in her
hand. She opened it a crack, and poked her head inside, a grim
premonition building up in her heart.
A scream welled up in her throat as she saw Akane, lying to the floor,
blood gushing from a gash in her wrist.
Nabby's scene, OTOH, I think was a bit long, especially since we kinda
know what she's going to find.
Nabiki smiled, a real smile this time, making her look much more like
the happy, carefree girl she was supposed to be. "That's right."
I don't think that's quite what she's supposed to be; sounds more like
Kasumi. (I'm blanking on a better description, but hopefully you can
come up with one.)
And now, comments about the fanfic. I hope Akane isn't being too OOC,
especially during the suicide scene.
Hard to say, really, considering that she was never in this kind of
situation in the manga. I don't think I'd have had her react this way,
but I didn't really have a problem with it as presented.
I think I see how this is shaping up overall, and why it's called what
it's called -- a story about Akane learning to deal with Ranma's loss
and go on living after he's gone. The only weak point I see are the
bandits; they came out of nowhere, and I have a hard time believing that
they could've killed Ranma like this. I realize it's too late to change
now, but I think introducing some other, more powerful threat into the
storyline would've been more plausible, and also would've provided much
drama and action as the gang minus Ranma tries to deal with it.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html