It was several days before the next scheduled television broadcast, so
the Ultradome was fairly quiet. But that didn't mean there were no loud
activities.
For example, there were rather interesting noises coming from behind
the door Jack Lysias was approaching. A less controversial man than Jack
might have hesitated before entering, or even knocked. Mr. Lysias barely
remembered to open the door first. (Even with only fifteen percent of the
godhead, Jack had gotten into the habit of ignoring inconvenient physical
barriers.)
As he looked over the scene inside; the half-naked Team Rocket, the
whipped cream, bungee cords, feathers and extremely ruffled-looking Meowth,
only one response came to Jack's mind.
"Get a room, you two!"
James looked puzzled. "But we're in a room."
Jesse scowled at her partner. "You moron! That's what people say to
couples who--couples who..." She blushed furiously. "This isn't what it
looks like, Boss!"
"You mean he thought--Hahaha! As if we'd ever...Everyone knows I like
sweet and innocent girls, nothing like Jesse!"
Jesse casually gut-punched James. "If you weren't a complete sexual
turnoff, I'd be insulted." She turned her best phony smile on Jack.
"There's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this."
"Riight," he said with a genuine grin.
*SQUEAK,* echoed Mr. Duck from its position on Jack's shoulder.
"No, really," insisted Meowth. "They were just woiking out a new
entrance with the bungee cords when they messed up and got their shirts
ripped off, and crashed into Jesse's whipped cream stash (she eats it right
out of the tub, you know) and the feathers James wuz saving up for a giant
chicken costume, then the cords snapped 'em back together, and that's where
you came in."
James glared at Meowth. "That's a lie! It's going to be a dove
costume."
Jack rolled his eyes. "And I suppose you're going to claim that the
last time I caught you--"
"That squirrel had gotten into my blouse, and James was helping me
remove it."
"Look, I don't care if you people are sexual deviants, actually I like
the idea, but you shouldn't lie about it." A squeak from Mr. Duck reminded
Jack why he'd come in in the first place. "By the way, your next fight is
set."
Jesse had finally extricated herself from the bindings and reached for
her jacket. "Yes, Jack! We won't disappoint you!"
"Who are we up against, Boss?" asked James, remembering Jack's
fondness for mismatches.
"You've been specially requested as sacrif--*ahem* opponents for the
Jyuusenkyo Survivors. And seeing you two playing has just given me an idea
how I can actually make the fight watchable!"
"Looks like Team Rocket's doomed again," sighed Meowth.
LIVE!
FROM THE ULTRADOME!
THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
AND IMPROFANFIC!
IT'S TIME FOR...
{ M A G I C A L T R O U B L E S H O O T I N G }
{ C R O S S O V E R F I G H T I N G }
{ F E D E R A T I O N }
{ .-----------. }
{ | U-L-T-R-A | }
{ `-----------' }
{ http://www.improfanfic.com }
Episode 33: Fine, Sweet and Tasty
Episode written by Scott K. Jamison
MTCFF Ultra concept by Twoflower
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Outside the Ultradome, Tokyo was experiencing an early January cold
snap. Inside, the crowd was able to produce enough heat by sound waves
alone to make the entire building toasty warm.
At the concession stand just outside the main hall, a particularly
bishounen popcorn vendor was serving the customers in his own inimitable
style.
"You want butter on that, femboy?"
[He knows!] thought Futaba Shimeru, his heart beginning to pound. [He
knows, and he's going to expose me right here, in front of everyone, and
Ohmigod I'm ch--]
His panic attack was cut off by a hand on his shoulder. "Hey,
Futaba-kun, are you done yet? I've got my stuff and they're starting in a
couple of minutes."
"Hoo! Yeah, Misaki, right with you. Umm, no butter." Having
obtained his snack, the young gender-shifter turned to see what his
girlfriend had bought. "Honey-Koted Sugar Kubes (tm)?!"
"It's endorsed by Hiroshi!"
=-=-=-=-=
The sugar fiend himself and his constant companion Daisuke appeared at
the top of the entrance ramp and made their way to the announcer's table.
As the theme music faded, Hiroshi grabbed a microphone and yelled, "Are you
ready for a little...Ultraviolence?"
The crowd was, indeed, ready, as evidenced by an increased decibel
count.
"Live from the Ultradome, Controversial Jack presents the one, the
only, accept no pale imitations, ULTRA!!! I'm Hiroshi and he's Daisuke, and
tonight's show is `Fine, Sweet and Tasty'!"
"I suppose it would be too much to ask for tasteful instead."
"WORK WITH HIM, DAISUKE!" came the totally expected crowd response.
Daisuke didn't even blink. "I suppose we should be grateful someone
gave Jack a Nat King Cole album that didn't include the Chestnut Song."
"We sure should! Lina alone knows what horrible thing he would have
done with that!" Hiroshi stood. "Speaking of which, the God herself is
about to appear for her opening remarks. So let's have a warm welcome for
the Slayer Supreme, Lina Inverse!"
The red-headed deity appeared near the ceiling of the Ultradome,
floating gently into the center ring, with a triple somersault just before
landing. The crowd went from wild to positively rabid.
"Thanks, everyone! I understand I'll be getting a challenge in just a
moment; but first I have a quick announcement. I've never understood this
Millennium thing--"
Most of the crowd cheered, including a brave lad in seat #6363 who was
holding up a sign that read "A Mouthful is Enough!"
"--Because where I'm from, we still go by `the fourth year of the
reign of King Wossname!' But since all of you seem to care about it, and
there's a little confusion, and I never did care for that academic jazz, I
hereby declare this the first year of the new Millennium!"
The cheers nearly drowned out the groans from the smarty-pants people
who'd been technically correct all along. In the backstage area, Marlo
pumped his arm and said, "Yes! They can't take it away from me!"
"And now that challenge. Take it away, mystery guest!"
The screens of the ControversialTron flickered to life with the
ShadowNERV logo. Although Gendou Ikari's face did not appear, everyone
recognized his voice.
"The next stage of human evolution will not be denied. My chosen
warrior will battle you today. All will go according to plan."
"Fine! See you (or maybe not) later!" With this, Lina disappeared.
"What evil plan could ShadowNERV possibly have up its sleeve,
challenging God herself?! What?" asked Hiroshi, visibly worried.
"We'll find out at the match later tonight," assured Daisuke. "Why
don't you tell the audience what else is on the schedule?"
"Right you are, Daisuke! Also tonight, we have Morrigan's debut fight
in Gamma, the sinister succubus versus Ultra's own wild man, Wolverine!"
"Apparently she hasn't forgotten the X-Man's part in bringing her
sister Lilith over to the Lighter Side. Something, I recall, you also had a
hand in, Hiroshi."
The curly-haired announcer gulped. "Nevertheless, it should be a
great fight! Also, we'll have a Matrimonial Match between the Jyuusenkyo
Survivors and Team Rocket!"
The crowd "oohed", followed by calls of "What's a Matrimonial Match?"
"I have no idea!" shouted Hiroshi. "But if it's on Ultra, you know
it's got to be exciting!"
"OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT THEN!" shouted the audience.
"And perhaps a surprise or two. But first--"
"But first, we have something really pulse-pounding!" interrupted
Hiroshi. "Former Gamma Champion, Ranma Saotome, faces another challenger on
his way back to the top!"
"You mean a speed bump. It is, after all, only Sofia."
"Well, sure, Daisuke, it might not *seem* like a fair match, but the
whip-wielding woman hasn't been in the thick of combat for a while, so she
might well have a new trick or two for us!"
=-=-=-=-=-=
Over behind the ControversialTron, Ranma had mostly tuned out the
events so far. After all, other people's matches weren't relevant to him,
and he didn't much care what Lina said. Actually, he was kind of soured on
this whole "God" concept.
First, Kasumi had refused to cure Ranma's curse, for oh-so-important
but never revealed reasons, then sweet-talked him into joining this
ridiculous "fighting federation." Pretty much immediately thereafter, she'd
started being "too busy" to talk to him, especially after he'd lost the
belt.
Jack, of course, had been out to get Ranma from Day One. Still was,
which was why the boy was facing Sofia instead of a real opponent.
And now "God" was a flat-chested little girl with an awful temper who
reminded him way too much of--Ranma reminded himself not to go there.
"Nahh, I'm on my own here. Can't rely on anyone but me." He smiled
just a little, and it looked like his face would crack. "Hope those bozoes
in the audience enjoy my little surprise."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The ControversialTron started showing a grainy, slightly shaky picture
that looked like a home video.
"Hey, I think I recognize that backyard," Hiroshi said.
"You should. It's the Tendou Dojo, Ranma's old stomping grounds."
Daisuke was proved correct, as Ranma jumped into the picture, then
began battling--himself?!
"Great Googly Moogly! Ranma has an evil twin?"
This seemed less likely in the next instant, as the double
back-flipped, and turned into--
"Mousse? No, Ryouga, wait, now it's Akane!"
The on-screen Ranma seemed to hesitate before attacking the Akane
double, but quickly triumphed when it turned back into Ranma.
The screens went blank, and the real Ranma began striding down the
entrance ramp. Unlike the Ranma on the tape, he wasn't smiling. He was,
however, carrying a covered bucket. This triggered a few cheers among the
boos from those who remembered what happened when water was mixed with the
martial artist.
"Could we be lucky enough to see Ranma's female form tonight?! It's
been ages!"
"It is true that Ranma's shown a tendency to take that step when
fighting female opponents. Ah, he's reached the ring."
The pigtailed boy leaped into the ring, careful to keep the bucket
upright. He grabbed a microphone and yelled, "SHUT UP!"
The audience noise level dropped by half.
"It took me a while to remember Copycat Ken, after all, he was just
another challenger in a long line. Had me going for a while with that
gimmick though.
"Now, Shingo, you may have improved on that trick, but it's still just
a gimmick. It ain't real martial arts! And I'm gonna show you that when I
stuff that stupid costume of yours up your ass!"
Few people remembered that Sofia had been a feared KGB agent and a
private eye before entering the Toshinden circuit and subsequently Ultra.
Okay, she'd sucked as a detective, and the main reason Sofia had been
feared as an agent was her whip fetish. But she had learned how to sneak up
on people pretty well. And that's what she was attempting to do now.
If attacking Johnny during his rant worked for Ranma, Sofia reasoned
attacking during Ranma's rant would work for her. So she was approaching
down a side aisle behind Ranma, finger to her lips in a shushing gesture.
"As for the loser I'm supposta be fighting tonight," continued Ranma,
"the only way she could win a fight is if she was facing Johnny Cage. I
mean, sure I'm only here to win, but against real opponents, please!"
Sofia gritted her teeth. Just a few more yards...
"So I decided I'd spice this so-called fight up a little," said Ranma,
taking the cover off the bucket and earning a genuine cheer. Sofia crawled
through the ropes, readying her whip--
And Ranma spun, dousing her with the contents of the bucket.
"Surprise!"
There was near silence in the Ultradome for a second, broken by a
heartfelt "Ouch!" from Sofia.
One of the disadvantages of wearing tight leather clothing is that if
you suddenly gain three inches of height, twenty pounds of weight, and
generally have your body shape change from female to male, it pinches. It
pinches real good.
"Ow, dammit! What *was* that stuff?" Sofia asked in a pained bass
voice.
The corner of Ranma's mouth tipped up a little bit. "Spring of
Drowned Man. Welcome to my world."
"I see it, but I don't believe it!" cried Hiroshi. "Ranma has doused
Sofia with water from the legendary Nanniichuan, which turns anyone touched
by it into a man!"
Sofia was patting herself (okay, himself, technically) down, and
getting more worried looking. [I'm a *man*?! With all the funny plumbing
and everything? I'll never be able to fit into a nice dress again!]
"You turn me back right this instant!" she screamed.
"Gotta earn it," was Ranma's reply. "C'mon, you can fight, after all,
a quick sex change has never been considered a handicap for me, right?"
"AARRGH!" Sofia picked up her whip again.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
][ GAMMA MATCH - RANMA SAOTOME vs. SOFIA
][ FIGHT!
Despite Ranma's claims, her ill-fitting clothing did disadvantage
Sofia, and before she could bring her whip to bear, the pigtailed martial
artist was already inside her reach. He pinned her arms, and drove his knee
repeatedly between her legs.
"And Ranma takes an early lead in the fight! Look at him go!"
"The only thing Sofia has to be thankful for right now is Lina's
little gift to the federation last week," reminded Daisuke.
"What--oh right, that! Still, I wouldn't want to be in Sofia's shoes
right now!"
"Neither does Sofia, judging by the expression on her face."
The transformed fighter knew she had to get a little room between her
and her opponent to use her whip techniques. Finally, she resorted to a
partial backflip, enduring the twisting of her arms so that she could
perform a head butt.
"An amazing move by Sofia, although it'd look a lot more graceful if
she were still a woman!"
Ranma loosened his grip enough for Sofia to complete her backflip and
kick him off. She stumbled towards the ropes.
Ranma followed, only to suddenly slide past Sofia and nearly over the
ropes.
"Looks like someone tossed a banana peel into the ring," observed
Daisuke. Johnny Cage, who had finally overcome his astonishment at his
partner's transformation, whistled nonchalantly.
Sofia took advantage of the space to kick off her boots, which were
pretty much ruined anyways. "My turn, little boy!" She cracked her whip,
leaving little sparkles in the air.
Ranma favored her with a glare.
"Aurora Revolution!" Things being what they were, Sofia went straight
to her ultimate technique. For all the good it did her.
Ranma leaped completely over the deadly area the whip occupied, and
landed on Sofia's head. "I win."
"You have not! I--"
He leaped up an inch, then came down, his feet flashing first out,
then in, catching her skull between them. Ranma flipped off, and Sofia
slumped to the floor for a ten-count.
"That had to hurt, but not for long!" declared Hiroshi.
Johnny was in the ring, but Ranma was long gone.
"It looks like Ranma's going to win that belt back, if he has to
demolish every other fighter in Gamma!"
"And given the circumstances, he may well have to. I see it's time
for a commercial."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Lina's office was considerably neater than her bedroom. For one thing,
she spent a lot less time in there. But paperwork had been piling up, and
she had decided to catch up on a bit of it before her match.
This pile was mostly intervention requests from worshippers, or people
who thought they might get lucky. Most of this sort of thing was handled by
the celestial bureaucracy, or by automated routines within the Yggdrasil
system. But these were the exceptions.
Requests from otherwise deserving people that contravened standing
procedures, mutually contradictory requests (mostly from sports teams) and
requests that would require suspending (or even changing) the laws of nature
were typical of this pile.
Lina looked up from one from a Nanami Jinnai asking that her brother be
struck by lightning when she heard a knock at the door. "Come in! Oh, hi,
Skuld."
The young goddess had a slight frown on her face. "There's a visitor
for you."
"Let 'em in--but first, how do I deal with all of these? For a lot of
them, there doesn't seem to be any right answer."
Skuld shrugged. "It's your decision. I can find the dartboard Jack
used, if you want to try that method." Her voice dripped with disdain for
that methodology.
"Nah, I can do better than that. Send in the visitor."
The being that entered had the shape of a man, a not unhandsome man at
that, with perfect blonde-grey hair and a winning smile. It was wearing a
grey suit with a tie so dark red as to be almost black.
"Good evening, Lina Inverse. I am Hiram Feez, of Feez, Prises and
Kost. I'm an attorney." It had an oily, sibilant voice.
"You're a Mazoku!" Lina replied.
"Semantics," assured the netherworld being. "I know you're a busy God,
so I'll get right down to business. Do the words `I pledge myself to
Darkness' ring a bell?"
With her new eidetic memory, Lina could easily place it. "That's part
of the Dragon Slave spell. Why do you ask?"
Hi pulled a sheaf of papers from a briefcase, which he'd pulled out of
nowhere. "According to our records, Ms. Inverse, you've used the Dragon
Slave no less than eighty times during the last five years. Do you dispute
this?"
"Umm, no." Lina was beginning to get an inkling of where this was
headed, and she didn't like it one little bit.
"And each of those times, you pledged yourself to `Darkness', which in
the context of the spell is clearly understood as the Mazoku Shaburanigdo.
A verbal contract, Ms. Inverse, witnessed by many people. And Shaburanigdo
lived up to its end of the bargain, didn't it?"
"Well, yeah...the spell blew things up real good, most of the time."
"You didn't think that when we Mazoku power black magic spells, we
expect something in return?"
"I thought you just kind of got your jollies from seeing things blow up
and burn and such. I certainly never meant--"
The Mazoku raised a hand. "Whether you were bargaining in bad faith or
not, we intend to hold you to the contract. Random destruction is
pleasurable, yes, but now that you are in a position to do some real damage,
we intend to see it done. From now on, you will use your godhead as
directed by the representative of Shaburanigdo on Earth, Xelloss."
"I should have known he was behind this! It's just like him, using a
lawyer to twist words against me! Here's my answer, Feez, go to Hell!"
"Shall I inform Mr. Xelloss that you'll think about it?"
"No, I mean GO TO HELL!" Lina waved a hand, and the Mazoku vanished in
a puff of ill-smelling smoke.
Lina summoned a breeze to remove the stench, then thought for a while.
Sure, she was in charge now, she didn't have to let any rules apply to her
she didn't want to. But like most lawyers, Feez had had just enough truth
in his words to sting. She *had* pledged herself to darkness, drawn upon
the power of beings she *knew* were inimical to human life.
If she'd ever thought about the consequences, Lina had put them off
until they actually showed up. When your life was in danger every day, the
long term didn't seem to apply. But now...now was different. What she did
mattered not just to her, but to billions of sentient beings. If her past
mistakes came home to roost...
Lina shuddered. "Maybe I should ask Zelgadis for some advice. He's
usually pretty much on the ball." She reached for the intercom. "No, wait,
he's visiting Amelia in Sailune. And it's hard enough for old Stone-face to
get romantic, without me bugging him. It can wait until he gets back.
Hmm...wonder if I should cure his skin condition. No, he'd hate it if it
was that easy. I know, I'll send him on a quest to get a cure!"
Feeling a little better, Lina pushed the call button on the intercom.
"Send in some ice cream. Oh, and you can join me, Skuld."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"And we're back for more exciting Ultra action!"
"But first, a little more talk, as we join Mr. Yotsuya for an interview
with Morrigan."
Hiroshi looked stunned, something he did quite well. "Yotsuya? He
still works here?"
"It took him a while to recover from the beating he took from his last
interviewee, and his other job interfered for a while, but Mr. Yotsuya is
definitely back." Daisuke pointed to a monitor.
"Then take it away, Y!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The international man of mystery (because no one in any country seemed
to know exactly what he did for a living) nodded. He was leaning on what
appeared to be a cane, and held out a microphone to Morrigan.
She drew herself up, and spread her wings, touching the walls of the
corridor.
"Well, Morrigan, any words for the viewers at home?"
"First, I'd just like to say that monogamy is horribly overrated, and
celibacy is just plain disgusting. So you should all have sex with as many
different partners as you can, as often as you can!" The demoness Gainaxed
her cleavage to emphasize the point.
"Still sucking up to Jack, I see. Looking forward to the fight?"
"Oh, yes! That horrible Wolverine will pay for luring my little sister
into a lifestyle of goody-two-shoeness! And everyone else who contributed
will get theirs too!"
("Told you so," pointed out Daisuke.
Hiroshi loosened his collar.)
"Just one last thing, Morrigan. Am I correct in understanding that you
claim to be a succubus?" Yotsuya had produced what looked like a small
dictionary.
"Not `claim', *am* a succubus. I'm a bit pressed for time, but I could
give you a quickie to prove it..." Morrigan leaned closer to the
interviewer.
He showed admirable restraint. "Once more, you are a succubus?"
"Yes! Your point?"
"I've been doing a little reading, and have discovered that `-us' is a
male ending in Latinate languages. Normally one would expect a female demon
to be called, for example, a `succuba'."
A vein was dangerously close to throbbing on Morrigan's forehead.
"So?"
"Therefore, I put it to you that you are in fact a *male* demon who
crossdresses in female form!" Before Morrigan could process the accusation,
Yotsuya shifted the "cane", which turned out to be a lever that dropped him
through a concealed trapdoor.
"OOH! I am going to give him such a spanking!" Morrigan stalked
off-camera.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Yotsuya's still got it," admitted Hiroshi.
"I wonder if that would apply to Lilith too?" asked Daisuke, deadpan.
"Shut your mouth! But now it's time for the match--"
"Actually, before that starts, it's still old home week here at Ultra,
as we welcome back another person who's been gone a while."
"Who?" Hiroshi didn't have long to wait, as the theme to "Zanjiro's
Child's Toy" began playing. "Oh dear Lina, it's Sana!"
The excessively perky bobbysoxer came through the entrance to the ramp,
in a costume that was a bit peculiar even for her. It consisted of a huge
yellow ball, from which her neck, forearms and lower legs protruded. There
was a horizontal wedge-shaped indentation in front, painted black.
"Hihi everybody! Sana-chan's back!" The child star waved to her many
fans, ignoring a few retching sounds from those who found "Child's Toy" just
a little too cutesy to prevent nausea.
Sana got about halfway down the ramp before the inevitable happened.
She tripped over her own feet. Unable to catch herself before falling, she
landed on the costume, which rolled. "WheEeEeE!" It rebounded off one
side, and bounced onto the announcers' table.
"That was fun! Let's do it again!"
Hiroshi opened the fingers he'd had over his eyes.
"You're all right?"
"Of course I am, Hiroshi! If being hit by a truck couldn't slow me
down, a little bouncing sure won't! I've got persimmons!"
"Huh?"
A little bat-like creature fluttered by. "She means `persistence.'"
Daisuke helped Sana back to her feet. "And what brings you here today,
Sana-chan?"
"The chance to see a little Ultraviolence up close! Well, that and the
fact that I'm plugging my new movie." She indicated her costume.
"It looks kind of familiar, but I'm having trouble placing it,"
admitted Hiroshi.
"I've always wanted to be in a live-action adaptation of a video game,
and now I am! Pac-Man the Movie, coming this spring to a theater near you!"
She raised a finger in the air dramatically.
"So, you're playing...Ms. Pac-Man?" asked Daisuke, straining to
remember the classic game.
"No no, that's a much older lady, Yasmin Bleep, or something like that.
I play Pac-Man's spunky little sister who's kidnapped by the Ghost King,
so he has to save her! Ooh, and even better, I'm not only in the movie, but
I get to sing the rap over the closing credits! Wanna hear it?"
"Do we have a choice?" asked Hiroshi, but she'd already whipped out her
instrument.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"You want butter on that, femboy?"
Shun started. Normally, the fact that he looked effeminate wasn't a
problem for him. The ability to pass, after all, was his family's bread and
butter. But every so often he'd run into jerks like this.
Considering the other boy's appearance, Shun could easily make a crack
back, but he decided against it. After all, this was Ultra, and for all he
knew, even the popcorn vendors could breathe flame. And if he got toasted,
he'd never get back with the Greenwood crew's snacks.
"Three with, three without, and one with the low-fat topping." Next
time, the sempais could get their own food.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"--YEAHH!!" screamed Sana as the closing chords of the song strained to
be heard over the fireworks display.
"Umm, very impressive, Sana-chan."
"Thanks, Daisuke! I wrote it myself!"
"All right then, if there are no further preliminaries..." Hiroshi
looked around, but no one was interrupting. "Presenting, in the red corner,
the Canadian mutant with a past so convoluted even Chris Claremont doesn't
understand it anymore, Wolverine!"
Wolverine trotted down the aisle, leaped up and did a mid-air tuck and
roll to arrive in the ring. There was a moderate amount of cheering; Wolvie
wasn't the most photogenic fighter in Ultra, but he did have die-hard fans.
The strains of Voltaire's "When You're Evil" oozed from the speakers as
his challenger flew in from the shadows.
"And in the blue corner, in her Gamma division debut, the Mistress of
the Dark--"
"As if we didn't already have enough legal problems," interjected
Daisuke.
"--The voluptuous vixen of venomous villainy, Morrigan!!"
The cheering was slightly less than the succubus had hoped for;
apparently some of the audience were still mulling over Mr. Yotsuya's
surprise.
She manifested a mike. "Why, thank you for that lovely introduction,
Hiroshi. But I'm still going to get you. And your little dog, too.
Hahahah! And just so everyone knows, I'm 100% woman!"
Wolverine spat out his cigar and assumed a ready stance.
"Since this isn't a Hardcore match, Wolverine's claws have been
`capped' with a clear plastic cover." Daisuke nodded, and the bell rang.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
][ GAMMA MATCH: MORRIGAN AENSLAND vs. WOLVERINE
][ FIGHT!
Morrigan fluttered into the air. "You can't touch this, little man."
"Why would I want to, bub?" asked Wolverine, sounding genuinely
surprised.
"I am not a `bub'! I am a succubus of the Clan Aensland, with power
over any man!" Morrigan shot a bolt of mystic energy at Wolverine, who
tumbled out of the way.
"Couldn't prove it by me, fella."
"And Wolverine seems to be taking a taunt approach to this fight!"
Hiroshi enthused.
"Not that he has much choice," pointed out Daisuke. "Even as good a
jumper as he is, Morrigan's too high for him to reach."
Morrigan attempted a strafing approach with her blasts, but the
battle-canny Canadian was one step ahead each time.
"How dare you mock me! I am desire incarnate! The very essence of
female beauty!"
"Actually, bub, you keep snarling like that, and you'll be uglier'n
me." Wolverine grinned as he bounced off the ropes.
"Fine then! I will destroy you with my most primal power!" Morrigan
swooped down to face her opponent, her breasts on a level with his face.
"Nothing male can resist this!" She ripped open her shirt.
This, of course, was the opening Wolverine had been waiting for. He
rammed his claws into her belly, causing the succubus to fold over in pain
(but not fatal pain.) Then he demonstrated the advantages of an adamantium
skull by butting Morrigan in the nose.
"Yay! Violence!" cheered Sana, who'd been a bit bored with the ranged
fighting.
"You liddle--" Morrigan swept Wolverine back with her wings, then
licked her lips. "If you wand id rough, all you had do do was ask!"
She clawed at Wolverine with her own fingernails, which had not been
dulled, and stripes of blood appeared on his left arm.
"Morrigan's back in the fight, and not afraid to do a little digging!"
Hiroshi flinched a little bit as he said this, thinking of what she might
have in mind for him.
Daisuke remained the calm one. "We shouldn't forget, however, that
Wolverine's mutant healing factor allows him to take a lot of damage."
Indeed, the cuts were already healing, and Wolverine delivered several
painful punches to Morrigan's torso.
"Looks like I'm going do have do ged all the way down, you hairy
beasd!" Morrigan began to shimmy out of her leggings, and the temperature
of the male part of the audience (and a couple of females) rose
considerably.
"I don't think you should be seeing this," said Hiroshi, putting his
hands over Sana's eyes.
"No fair! After all, she's got the same parts I do, right?"
Neither announcer knew how to answer that one.
Fortunately for them, Wolverine chose this moment to turn his back on
Morrigan, drop to his hands, and perform a mule kick that sent her into the
turnbuckle, and out like a light.
"The referee's doing the ten-count, and where's Wolverine going!"
"I think he said something about a cold shower," answered Daisuke.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"And that wraps up another exciting match at tonight's Ultra!
Wolverine in a stunning win!"
This Old Dojo workers had draped a tarp over Morrigan as they repaired
minor (by Ultra standards) damage to the ring.
"And an even more stunning show of self-control. Any last words before
we go to commercial, Sana?"
"Yes!" Sana turned to Hiroshi. "You should apologize to Rei for
two-timing her! That way she won't have to hang out with that icky
poop-head Marlo any more!"
"Er, thanks for that advice...when we come back, Lina's first challenge
since she became God, against--just who is she fighting anyway?"
"We will doubtless find out when the audience does, Hiroshi."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Asuka had a knot in the pit of her stomach that wouldn't go away. And
she had a pretty good idea why. Her job was getting to her.
Back when she'd first joined NERV, it was to protect humanity from the
Angels, and to prove she was the best at whatever she chose to do. And,
despite a few glitches here and there, that was what she had done.
But then the Angel attacks stopped. Now she was supposed to fight
opponents in some sort of television show for the amusement of the masses.
Okay, Asuka could deal with that. Well, except for losing most of the time.
Things had just continued to get worse.
Shinji turned into an asshole, and just when he seemed to be over it,
switched sides. Now he was a warrior for Heaven, effectively an Angel
himself.
And in a bid for funding, Commander Ikari had "gotten in bed" with the
notorious crimelord M. Bison. The new ShadowNERV logo was ugly, but not as
ugly as some of the new guards. Asuka had seen them leering at her when she
didn't seem to be looking. And it wasn't the leers of hentai either. It
was hungry leers.
Asuka had managed to get by on anger for a while, anger at the Angels,
at her mother, at Shinji....
But she was beginning to run out of anger, and it felt sometimes like
the only thing underneath it was fear. It felt like she was on the wrong
side in this war, but she couldn't abandon her duty. No matter what.
"C'mon, Major Katsuragi, time for the meeting," Asuka growled as she
pulled the older woman along.
"Already? Sheesh, where dosh the time go? Hey, where'sh Shinji?"
Misato had started drinking even more heavily since the departure of her
house guest.
"Shinji's in Heaven, remember?"
"Oh yeah, he'sh in a happier place. Better place than thish one."
Misato waved her free arm around. "We're all doomed, you know."
Asuka rolled her eyes. "Not now! Oh, here we are."
She pushed open the door to Commander Ikari's office with her foot,
manhandled the major inside, and leaned her against a wall. Misato sagged
slightly, but didn't fall over.
That done, Asuka could take stock of her surroundings. Gendou sat
behind his desk, one arm still in a sling from Sephiroth's attack.
Fuuyutsuki stood behind him and a few steps to the right. Ritsuko was over
to the left, checking items off on a clipboard.
The speaker phone was on, and Asuka could hear the unmistakable voice
of Bison.
"--Almost finished. All that remains is some training for the partners
in teamwork. And you?"
"The next part of the plan is already underway." Gendou pushed up his
glasses with his good hand. "The schedule will be kept."
"Farewell then." The speaker clicked off.
"And amazingly," Gendou continued, "still easier to work with than
SEELE."
"So what's this meeting about?" asked Asuka, putting on her best
"impatient face."
"You will take the EVA-02 Unit and engage Lina Inverse in combat."
Gendou turned as if that concluded the matter.
"Me? Of course I can do it, but I thought you wanted your doll to--"
Gendou spun back, but his voice was still level. "Ayanami is
replaceable. *You* are expendable."
Dr. Akagi said, in was probably meant to be a soothing tone, "I'm sure
you'll do your best out there, Asuka. But I do have a request. Make it as
bloody as possible. The more gore, the better."
The redhead was shocked. Ritsuko had never seemed bloodthirsty before.
A little callous towards human life, maybe. but never bloodthirsty.
"We're collecting cell samples," explained Fuuyutsuki, "and that's
really more than you should know.
"Commander, I really think we should have taken that Xelloss fellow up
on his offer to battle the Voiduck."
"We shall see. Are you up to this, Langley?"
"Yes, sir!" she shot back. "Permission to leave?"
"Granted."
Asuka stomped out. Great, now she was just a sample scraper! Well,
she'd show them!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There was someone blocking the door to Ranma's dressing room. His eyes
narrowed. He was in no mood for this. Actually, recently, he hadn't been
in a mood for much of anything.
"Airen."
"Shampoo. Outta my way."
The Amazon shook her head. "No. How could Ranma *do* that to Sofia?"
"Well, I had superior agility and fighting skill, so--"
"Ranma knows what Shampoo mean! He *curse* Sofia! Shampoo no like
her, but to take away a woman's babies..."
Ranma gave a short bark, almost like a laugh. "C'mon, Shampoo! If I
actually had the Nanniichuan, what would I do?"
"Ranma would cure himself, of course. Then do victory dance and gloat
all day...was Instant Nanniichuan!" Shampoo smacked a fist into her palm.
"Yep. Jyuusenkyo Products sent a sample to me as an `apology' for
still not having the real thing in stock. One hot shower, and Sofia'll be
as good as new. Not like me or you."
"But why Ranma no tell Sofia this?"
"Why bother? Maybe if I make it painful enough, none of the losers
will get in the ring with me."
Shampoo looked sad. "Something is wrong with Airen. Shampoo doesn't
know him any more."
"Like you ever knew me. And I ain't your husband!"
"Shampoo serious. She think something broken inside Ranma. Maybe he
should take a break for a while, go home--"
Ranma shoved her out of the way, pushed his door open and spun back.
"No! Leave me alone!"
Shampoo took a step back, her anger warring with the desire to please
Ranma, even if he wasn't being himself. "Okay. Shampoo go now."
Ranma slammed the door, and slumped against it in the dark dressing
room. He couldn't go home, couldn't face her--not until he was on top
again, not until he'd proved he was the best.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"I can't believe there's no hot water!"
A slightly damp and still male Sofia tightened a pink satin dressing
robe around a body that was several sizes too large for it. She spun away
from her makeup mirror.
"Johnny, can I use the tub at your place after the show?"
The movie star looked up from the pile of scripts he was checking
through. "Oh, sure. No prob. No hot water in the showers again? Man, I
hate that."
"If I didn't know better, I'd swear someone deliberately turns it off!"
(Elsewhere, Jack grinned as he manipulated the valves in his office.)
"This is awful! I work so hard to keep my figure, and now it's all
ruined! And I can actually feel hair growing all over my body! I'll look
like Zangeif!" Sofia spun her stool back towards the mirror, and started.
She grabbed a small comb, and put it on her upper lip. A long moment
passed. "Or maybe I look like someone else..."
"You okay, Sofia? You sound a little funny. Even considering."
Sofia put down the comb. "Johnny, you know how I can't remember
anything before about ten years ago?"
"Uh-huh. I think so. You said something about searching for your real
past was why you came to Ultra in the first place?" Johnny scratched his
head. "Though I don't recall that you've done thing one about it since..."
Sofia threw a lipstick at her partner. "I think...just maybe...I
remember what my father looked like." She pointed to the mirror. "Him."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Gally watched her breath curl out in frosty white clouds. She hoped
Mihoshi would finish her shopping soon. The young cyborg's thoughts went
back to how she got into this....
"Why me?" she'd asked.
Washuu had peered at her over a large device that was glowing at the
seams. "Tenchi, Ryouko and Aeka are helping MegaMan prevent Dr. Wiley from
conquering the Frog People of Venus; Kiyone and Sasami are still in Hawaii,
and Ifurita flew off early this morning saying something about `it may be
time.' And since I need to finish this new Dimensional Transporter by the
Omega Match tonight, that leaves you to babysit Mihoshi for a few hours."
And that was the end of the discussion.
Not that spending time with Mihoshi was the least pleasurable thing
Gally had ever done. The alien police officer had a refreshingly optimistic
view of the universe that was at least partially infective.
And this was the first time Gally had really taken the time to walk
around and look at Tokyo. There certainly was a lot to see!
However, she'd drawn the line at going into the candle store with
Mihoshi. The stench of perfume in there was enough to make even someone
with artificial lungs gag.
"I found it, Gally!" Mihoshi was coming out of the small shop with a
gaily-decorated bag dangling from her left arm. Actually, Mihoshi was
pretty brightly decorated all over. A red cap with white fur trim, long
forest-green overcoat, pink scarf and violet slacks over shiny black boots
made her easily the most colorful person on the street.
"Right. Where to now?"
"Well, there's this nice little teashop, just two streets over, and
they fold the napkins like swans, and they have the cutest carrot cake, I
get hungry for carrots sometimes because Ryo-Ohki eats them all at home,
and..."
Gally let the babble wash over her as Mihoshi led the way.
"--and then Ryouko turned this incredible shade of puce, and--whoops!"
A stray patch of ice snagged Mihoshi and sent her and the packages flying.
With a burst of superhuman speed, Gally caught Mihoshi, set her
upright, then collected the shopping before it could hit the ground.
Mihoshi clapped her hands. "Wow, Gally, you're really great!"
Neither of them noticed a rat-faced girl in the crowd behind them
holding a camera.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"You want butter on that, femboy?"
James fumed. How dare this nobody--no, wait, this wasn't nobody, this
was Pantyhose Tarou, who could, apparently at will, transform into a
twenty-foot tall monster. One that no mere Pokeball was likely to contain.
So he decided not to antagonize the popcorn vendor. "Yes, I'd like
butter."
As he waited, there was a muffled screech behind him, and James turned
to look, but the hallway was empty.
He turned back to see Tarou holding out the bag. "Thank you."
James started stuffing buttery goodness into his mouth. The man might
be rude, but he popped well.
"There you are! It's time to get ready!" Jesse emerged from an
alcove, smoothing her uniform.
"Just let me finish my popcorn, okay?"
"Now, James dahling!" She grabbed an arm and started pulling him down
the hall. "We must make sure you are properly attired!"
James had a sense of impending doom, but wasn't sure where it was
coming from.
Back in the alcove, a sack stirred slightly, then lay still.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"And we're back with more Ultra excitement! Say, is it just me, or
does it seem like those commercials take forever?"
"It's just you, Hiroshi. Oh, speaking of commercials, I see that Sana
dropped her schedule." Daisuke scanned it. "Weren't you doing a
`Honey-Koted Sugar Kubes (tm)' shoot on Tuesday afternoon?"
"Yes..."
"So's Sana-chan. Aren't you the lucky one?"
"Err...Yes I am, Daisuke, and do you know why? Because it's time for
an Omega match! And we've just been informed that Lina's opponent will be
Evangelion Unit-02, piloted by the Red Baroness herself, Asuka Soryuu
Langley!"
"Considering that Lina is God, I'd have to wonder about the sanity of
anyone going up against her."
"Yeah, it's crazy, but it's a good kind of crazy, the type that gets
people up in the morning knowing they've seen Ultra!"
Daisuke briefly wondered why he hadn't taken the headache reliever
contract.
The ControversialTron flashed to life again, this time showing the
grinning face of Washuu.
"Hi boys! You'll be glad to hear my new Dimensional Transporter is
good to go."
"Thanks, Washuu-chan!"
"This step was made necessary by Xelloss choosing to join the forces of
the Void at Gamma," explained Daisuke. "Though I must admit wondering how
matches in which you, Washuu, have an interest in will be handled."
"Call me Washuu-chan! And I'll have something figured out by next
week, because I *am* the greatest scientist in the universe!" Her victory
pose exposed something behind her that looked like an oversized PokeBall.
Hiroshi did the obvious. "What's that in the background? A new
invention?"
"That, if you'll pardon the expression, is a secret. But never fear,
you'll find out soon enough!" The picture blipped off.
"Then it's off to the action!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Bismoll looked like a perfectly normal planet at first glance. A
little on the underpopulated side, perhaps, and with considerably less
vegetation than Earth.
What made it unique was a substance in the soil that made it, and all
plant and animal life on the planet, deadly poisonous to humans. As a
result, every native of the planet had developed the ability to chew and
digest any form of matter, except their home planet.
This really didn't do a lot for the tourist industry, so the
Bismollians were all too thrilled to host an Omega fight. Every credit
helped....
Asuka arrived first in her EVA unit, accompanied by music that seemed
very familiar, but not her chosen theme.
"What's going on, Major? Why are they playing the `Card Captor Sakura'
theme?"
Misato, looking closer to sober now, peered out from the viewscreen.
"Apparently, payola for the sound techs was one of the things NERV cut from
its budget during the last funding crisis. Try not to worry about it."
"Ha! As if mere music could affect my performance!" Inwardly, Asuka
vowed to give the sound techs what for.
Her annoyance crept up a notch a moment later when Lina popped in to
the strains of the Hallelujah Chorus.
Lina craned her head upwards. "Okay, now how am I going to do this?"
Sure, with nigh-omnipotence, she could just blink her opponent out of
existence, heck she could rewrite history to make Asuka never born, but
where was the fun in that? Black magic was out, Lina didn't need any more
hassles from Mazoku lawyers...ah, she had it.
The redheaded deity snapped her fingers, and started growing. And
growing. And growing, finally stopping when she was just a little shorter
than the Evangelion. "There! I'm ready!" In one of those weird tangent
thoughts, Lina realized she finally had bigger breasts than Naga.
"Gott im Himmel! Can she do that?"
"The Eva's sensors would seem to indicate so, Asuka." Ritsuko's voice
was calm.
Goku flickered in. "You know the rules. Destruction of the world
and/or universe is a technical foul. That goes for you, mostly, Lina-san,
since you're new at fighting at this level." He raised his hand, dropped
it, and flickered out.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
][ OMEGA MATCH: EVA UNIT 02 vs. LINA INVERSE
][ FIGHT!
Asuka grinned. Now that Lina was "her" size, her martial arts training
was finally going to come in handy. Admittedly, she wasn't nearly as
skilled as oh, say, Akuma, but surely she could beat a sorceress. Everyone
knew magicians were physical lightweights.
Lina ducked as a fierce punch came from her opponent, then had to pivot
to the side when a kick followed up. The landscape shook with their
thunderous steps, cheering up those of the natives who'd bought the extra
"Act of God" insurance on their buildings.
"Okay, let's try this on for size," said Lina, stepping back and
pulling her sword. She swung, only to find it blocked by Asuka's AT field.
Inspired, Lina added an energy shield on her left arm.
("Lina seems a bit tentative, testing out her new abilities!" Hiroshi
looked at the screen. "I think this is the first time we've seen her rely
on physical force here in Ultra."
Daisuke nodded. "Probably trying to figure out some way not to
embarrass Asuka too badly.")
Asuka did have the edge in hand-to-hand training, but Lina had learned
to defend herself during those days of the month when magic wasn't an
option. So the slugfest quickly became a stalemate.
"Time for me to get some altitude. Ray Wing!" said Lina, forgetting a
moment that she didn't have to actually use spells as such any more.
As her opponent rose into the air, Asuka unlimbered her rifle. "Maybe
I should have asked for the Spear."
Lina shot the equivalent for her size of a Mono Volt at Unit 02, which
took it harmlessly on its AT field and returned fire. Lina's own shield
easily deflected the projectiles.
Asuka was getting a bit frustrated. Worse, her power was running low.
"I will win! I will!"
Lina sprayed the area with a gout of flame, this time set hot enough to
penetrate even through the Eva's defenses.
"[German obscenity deleted]! That hurt!"
Lina flinched. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"
This turned out to be a bad comment to make. Asuka's Evangelion began
to glow. "You [Incredibly obscene German insult]! Don't you talk about my
mother!" She leaped at Lina. Amazingly, she caught the sorceress.
"I didn't think the Evas could jump that high," said Misato, impressed.
"They can't, normally," assured Ritsuko, leaning down to use a
keyboard.
(Hiroshi, meanwhile, was continuing to tell everyone what they could
already see. "And now Asuka's drawn her prog knife, and ladies and
gentlemen, I don't believe it, she's actually cracked Lina's shield and Lina
has taken the knife in her shoulder!!")
"Asuka's synch rate is continuing to rise..."
"DIEDIEDIE!" screamed the teen pilot.
"Get OFF me!" replied Lina, energizing a fist and smashing it into the
robot's faceplate. Which succeeded in getting Asuka to let up a little bit,
but also gave the sorceress pause. For Unit 02's faceplate was smashed to
bits, revealing the "robot"'s true face.
"Eww..." Lina echoed the response of millions of viewers, as the
bio-mechanical monstrosity attempted to regain its grip. Before she could
think of a next step, they hit the ground, Eva first.
"I'm going to win, if I have to swallow you whole!" screamed Asuka,
lost in bloodlust. Her Evangelion snarled in imitation of its pilot, ready
to attack tooth and claw.
Panicked, Lina grabbed a handful of dirt, and when the enemy came close
enough, tossed it at the creature's face.
The toxic effects of Bismollian soil immediately made themselves felt,
and Asuka was racked by sympathetic stomach cramps. "No...won't give
up...must be the best..."
Lina grew to twice her previous size, and booted the Eva into
unconsciousness.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Told you so," said Fuuyutsuki.
Gendou ignored the barb. "`What though the field be lost? All is not
lost--the unconquerable will, and study of revenge, immortal hate, and
courage never to submit or yield: And what is else not to be overcome.
That glory never shall his wrath or might exhort from me.'"
"Not to take away from your Lucifer impression, Commander, but
technically, Lina's a `her.'"
Gendou closed his eyes and daydreamed of roasting spits. "Perhaps we
should set our sights a little lower next time," he conceded.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"A stunning victory for Lina Inverse!"
"As if it was ever in doubt..."
"Well, it looked pretty close there for a moment," Hiroshi pointed out.
"One more round of commercials, and then we'll be back with the final
match of the evening." Daisuke pushed up out of his seat.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Akuma normally had no use for libraries. The books he usually
consulted for new evil martial arts techniques weren't kept on the shelves
of public libraries. They were kept in hidden chambers surrounded by
highly-trained guards, and usually a monster or two.
But this was no normal library. This was the Ultradome's video
library, which supposedly had every scrap of film available on any fighter
who'd ever appeared in Ultra. There was an entire shelf, for example,
devoted to the movies starring Johnny Cage.
Akuma was not a big Cage fan, however, and soon lost patience trying to
find his way around the cramped room. He went up to the service desk.
"May I help you?" asked the clerk, a small man somewhere in his
thirties with male pattern baldness.
"Not may, will. Before we begin, I should let you know I do not kill
those who please me. Now, I want all the information you have on the
abomination called `Cyber-Akuma'." Akuma smiled, but not in a reassuring
way.
The clerk scurried to obey.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"rei ayanami journal, entry eighty-nine.
"use of marlo to induce jealousy in hiroshi not entirely effective.
hiroshi shows increased verbal hostility toward marlo, but has not resumed
desirable contact with me. direct attack upon lilith necessary?
"sana advised hiroshi to make desirable contact with me. possible
tool? ally?
"commander chose asuka over me to fight god. believes i am not up to
task? i miss shinji.
"close journal."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MewTwo had changed its headquarters to a more secret location since the
invasion of the previous one by Dark Schneider and Naga. No being outside
the cloned Pokemon in its service knew where it was, so MewTwo was a little
surprised to sense a new presence in the chamber.
It was less surprised when the intruder floated into view and said,
"Mew."
MewTwo "spoke" telepathically. "Ancestor. Why are you here?"
"Mew. Mew." The ancient Pokemon described a circle with its tail.
"You wish me to spare the humans you currently associate with, this
`Team Rocket'? Why?"
"Mew."
"A hidden capacity for good? Surely you do not expect me to believe
that."
"Mew! Mew."
MewTwo pondered this point. "Very well. There may, possibly, be a
handful of humans who are salvageable." It held up a three-fingered
appendage in emphasis. "But the vast majority of humanity is only worthy of
destruction. They poison the sky and sea, consume the land, and enslave
other species as intelligent as themselves. Indeed, they often enslave one
another."
"Mew."
"Simply because many Pokemon have adopted an `Uncle Tom' philosophy
does not make their captivity right. How is it put? `Live free or die!'"
"Mew?"
"Yes, it is ironic. I, who am as far above the humans who created me
as they are above single-celled creatures, am still bound by their concepts,
forced to use their words to express myself. I even study their literature
in an effort to understand what I must do." MewTwo pointed to a nearby
table, on which was a pile of books. The words "A New Prometheus" were
visible on one of the covers.
Mew turned as if to go, then turned back. "Mew."
"I am aware of that. The humans have powers I have not yet mastered.
I will learn from this `Omega Division' anything that might be used against
me, and their weaknesses. In the end, none will prevail before me. Not
even the so-called `God' of the humans. Pokemon *will* be free."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"How are you guys enjoying the show so far?" asked Ash.
"Saur. Bulbasaur."
"Squirtle!"
"Honestly, Ash! You're just spoiling them!" said Misty, returning to
her seat, arms full of snacks.
"Hey, if they want their own seats, who am I to tell them no? You saw
how much happier Charizard was after I let him do that Hardcore match.
Maybe MewTwo had a point. If I treat my Pokemon less like my servants, and
more like my friends, they'll be happier...and they won't leave me...like
P-Pikachu did..." Ash's smile had faded.
"Pikachu's just being silly! And why are you listening to a bully like
that MewTwo anyway?"
"Squir!" agreed the turtle Pokemon.
"Priii," echoed Togepi as Misty reclaimed it from Ash's lap.
"There's just something so familiar about it," Ash said quietly. "like
a lesson I was supposed to be paying attention to, but forgot."
"Yeah, I keep getting that feeling too. Oh, here's your popcorn. That
vendor is *so* rude! You won't believe what he cal--"
"Ba!" shushed Bulbasaur, vine to its mouth.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The crowd yelled, waved, and brandished signs as the camera panned over
them. Among the signs were "Blankety-blank Blanka!", "Samurai Slodown" and
one that read "The Revolution Will Be Televised." The camera panned down a
bit to reveal that this one was being held by a handsome youth with long red
hair, wearing a white jacket that made him look like a bandleader.
"Hey, isn't that Touga? I thought Jack fired him!"
"So he did, Hiroshi, but Touga's rich, he can afford a ticket. It
isn't as though Mr. Lysias banned him for life, like You-Know-Who."
"You mean Volde--"
"No, the other one."
A light bulb went on over Hiroshi's head. "Oh yeah, him! And we're
back folks, for our final match of the evening. Here to explain exactly
what a Matrimonial Match is, is Mr. Ultra himself, Controversial Jack!"
There was a moment of relative silence, then Jack appeared at the top
of the ramp, talking into a cel phone. (It was in the shape of a "Cool
World" cel, if you must know.)
"Look, Prince Sapphire, I know you were the first, but another
gender-bender on the show just isn't going to make it any more
controversial." There was some noise from the other end. "And we've
already got angels too, so no, you can't join Lambda either." He snapped
the phone shut, and advanced to a microphone.
"Ladies and Gents, and Monsters of All Ages! Jack promised you
entertainment, and I keep my promises! Tonight, you're going to see my
personal kick toys, Team Rocket, in a Matrimonial Match against the
Jyuusenkyo Survivors!"
"WHAT'S A MATRIMONIAL MATCH?!" asked the crowd.
Jack slapped his forehead. "You haven't figured it out yet? Both
teams will be wearing wedding outfits! First team down to underwear loses.
Otherwise, Lambda rules, got it?"
"OHHHH."
"Hit it, boys!" Jack pointed at the ring, and white flower petals
began drifting down from the ceiling. An organ played the Wedding March.
Jack handed the mike back to Hiroshi. Hiroshi started to yell into it,
but realized it was upside-down, and had to re-orient it.
"In the blue corner, from the mysterious and deadly Joketsuzoku village
in China, Shampoo and Mousse, the Jyuusenkyo Survivors!"
Despite the poor ending to her conversation with Ranma earlier, Shampoo
was in high spirits. Her Great-Grandmother had managed to negotiate Jack
into two matches, a grudge match now, and a title shot when Cologne felt the
team was ready. Admittedly, there had been a few strings attached, but
Amazons were trained to fight well under any circumstances. Even wearing a
Western-style wedding gown.
She waved happily to the crowd, which was cheering her for once. The
only down side was--Mousse, of course. He looked good in a tuxedo, Shampoo
was willing to admit that in her own mind, if not out loud, but he was just
a little too happy about the "marriage" theme.
"Just think, Shampoo!" he chortled. "Someday, we'll be doing this for
real! Here, let me carry you across the threshold!"
Shampoo shot him a withering glance, wasted since Mousse wasn't wearing
his glasses right now, and leapt into the ring. A few lucky fellows in the
front row got a glimpse of her garter.
"And in the red corner, well they can introduce themselves just fine!"
Team Rocket appeared. Their wedding outfits had the trademark big red
"R" on the chests, and Meowth was in a ring-bearer's suit. Jesse looked
slightly stunned.
For villains, and perpetual losers at that, Team Rocket had an amazing
amount of heat. Just goes to show you what the right gimmicks can do. But
for once, they weren't starting.
"Jesse, your line," reminded James.
She looked startled. "Oh, yes. *ahem* Prepare for trouble!"
"And make it double!" James started dancing the waltz with Jesse down
the aisle.
"TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEVASTATION!" called out the women.
"TO UNITE ALL PEOPLES WITHIN OUR NATION!" responded the men.
"TO DENOUNCE THE EVILS OF TRUTH AND LOVE!"
"TO EXTEND OUR REACH TO THE STARS ABOVE!"
"Jesse!"
"James!"
"TEAM ROCKET BLASTS OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!"
"SURRENDER NOW OR PREPARE TO FIGHT!"
And the children chorused in with, "MEOWTH! THAT'S RIGHT!" as the
Pokemon thieves misjudged the last circle of the waltz and crashed into the
side of the ring.
"Oww..." The three quickly sprang back, however.
Meowth motioned for the mike. "Before we begin, I got some bad news
for you, Shampoo. I've decided to dump you. I've found the purr-fect
woman, who's pretty, kind and has the brain of a cat. I love you,
Nuku-Nuku!"
(Jack's secretary had discovered there were "What's Michael?" reruns on
the other channel, and missed this declaration altogether.)
"I hope you don't take this too hard," continued the feline Pokemon.
"You dare to dump Shampoo?!" Weapons started coming out of Mousse's
tuxedo sleeves. "I'll kill y--Wait a minute, less rivals for Shampoo is a
*good* thing...."
Shampoo herself looked baffled. "Shampoo not interested in silly
Pokemon. Shampoo only here to punish Rocket Team."
"Punish us?" asked James. "Whatever for?"
"Pretty boy not remember wearing fuku to lure Shampoo away so she could
be poisoned? And also, Shampoo remember Alpha."
Now it was Jesse's turn to look puzzled. "What are y'all talking
about?"
(Since when does Jesse have a Southern accent? wondered Misty.)
"They turn inta the duck and cat you toasted in that match with Ash,"
reminded Meowth.
James snapped his fingers. "That's right!"
Meowth went down to the announcer's table, while Shampoo and James took
their positions in the corners.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
][ LAMBDA MATCH: JYUUSENKYO SURVIVORS vs. TEAM ROCKET
][ FIGHT!
"Shampoo going to enjoy stripping you..."
"You're into that sort of thing?"
"After she beat James' brains out first." Shampoo brought out her
bonbori, and charged towards the Team Rocket member.
"Mew, go!" yelled James as he tossed the Pokeball towards his opponent.
It bounced harmlessly off Shampoo's head, but did not open. "Eek!"
Shampoo brought down her left bonbori in a classic Amazon intimidation
move, stopping just short of James' face. Then she kicked him in the knee.
"Oww! No fair! I wasn't looking!" James tried to grab one of his
other Pokeballs, but the bonbori came smashing down on his hand. Not quite
a complete idiot, James used his other hand to tag in Jesse.
Shampoo backed off and tagged in Mousse. "Try not to mess up."
Mousse nodded, "Yes dear," and put on his glasses. He tossed a few
exploding eggs Jesse's way, and the female Team Rocket member had to back
off.
"*caff* You hurt my dahling James! Ah'll get you for that!" She
reached into her gown. "Vileplume, go! Stun Spore!"
The flower Pokemon appeared and began emitting its sparkling cloud of
doom. "Vileplume!"
Mousse had come prepared for Wheezing, and this fell under the same
general principle. He whipped out a gas mask, and only got a few spores in
his lungs. It was, however, enough to slow him down a little.
"Great balls of fire! Jesse has unleashed a never before seen in this
arena Pokemon against Mousse! And now it's chewing on his pants leg, trying
to disrobe the Chinese boy!" Hiroshi was on his chair with excitement.
Vileplume? thought Misty. Jesse doesn't have a... She stood up and
yelled, "That's not Jesse! That's Jessibell!"
"Jessibell?" asked Hiroshi and Daisuke, puzzled.
"Jessibell?" asked Shampoo. Mousse might have asked too, but the gas
mask muffled his voice, and besides, he was a little busy trying to dislodge
the Vileplume.
"Jessibell?!" James' voice went up an octave. "My Lina, it *is*!"
"So, y'all know! Ah can lose this wig then!" With that, Jessibell
whipped off Jesse's long hair, to reveal her own curled coif.
"WHO'S JESSIBELL?" asked the audience.
"She's James' fiancee," explained Meowth. "Who happens to look exactly
like Jesse."
"An evil twin? No wait, Jesse's a crook so Jessibell would be the good
twin, right?" Hiroshi was obviously confused again.
"No relation, as far as I know. Dey just look alike, oh and sound
alike, except for the accent."
Back up on the stage, Mousse had finally gotten clear of the Vileplume,
at the cost of his trousers. His rubber duckie briefs got some whistles
from the audience.
Jessibell produced a whip from her cleavage. "Nothing is going to
prevent me from marrying my dahling James! I even brought a priest tonight!
HOHOHOHO!" She began using the whip to tear at Mousse's jacket.
James, meanwhile, was trying to strip out of his tuxedo as fast as he
could. "Gotta lose, gotta lose...."
Mousse produced a kusari (weighted chain) from what was left of his
outfit and tried to block the whip. But he was still too groggy from the
spores.
"Tag out, Mousse! Shampoo will handle fake woman!"
"No! She's mine!" came a new voice.
Hiroshi whirled. "It's Jesse! And it looks like she's got--a bicycle
chain?"
Daisuke checked the "Ultra Factsheet." "Says here that before James
and Jesse joined Team Rocket, they ran with a bike gang, where she was known
as Chainer Jesse for her habit of swinging, well, a bicycle chain."
The real Jesse leapt into the ring. She swung the chain at her
look-alike, and missed.
Meowth sighed. "You'll notice it don't say anything about Jesse being
able to hit anything with the chain."
Shampoo finally managed to grab a stray chain and pull Mousse over so
she could tag in. "Hmm...Shampoo not clear on rules. Does she need to
strip opponent she start with, or one she announced to fight? Oh well."
She snuck up behind both red-haired women, and whacked them on the
heads with her bonbori. Their clothes were off a moment later, though
Shampoo then laid them on top of the unconscious combatants, so the audience
didn't get too much of a view.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"And a win for the Jyuusenkyo Survivors! I think...."
"The referee is indeed calling it such."
Jack was talking to James. "So you're telling me your parents are
incredibly rich, and all you'd need to do to get your hands on the money is
marry this Jessibell girl?"
"That's right."
"And instead, you chose to become a penniless criminal, being abused by
your bosses and partners in crime, suffering endless torments and defeats at
the hands of a little kid and his pet rat?"
James kicked the ground with a toe. "That's about the size of it."
Jack slapped him on the back. "I knew there was something I liked
about you!"
Tron Bonne was personally escorting Jessibell to the exit, where some
nice men in white coats were waiting for the heiress.
Daisuke looked at his partner. "That would seem to be it for this
week. Any final words?"
"Yep! We'll have an even more exciting show for you next week! And
remember, kids, reading is FUN-damental!"
"And that was our mandatory public service content. From Daisuke--"
"--And Hiroshi!"
"Good night, and Lina bless."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Biiko Daitokuji clicked off her 100" TV.
It hadn't been a entire waste of time. The Morrigan fight had been
quite...stimulating. But she'd hoped for a glimpse of Sephiroth somewhere
in there. No such luck. Not even a mention.
A pillar rose out of the floor beside her, a DVD on the top. "The
surveillance data, boss." The intercom was silent after that.
B-ko slid the disk into the proper slot, and hit "play."
A few minutes later, she paused the playback. "Enlarge."
On the screen, a young woman with blonde hair was clapping as Gally
performed some superhuman feat.
"So...you have a friend, do you, Gally?" Something stirred at the back
of B-ko's mind, trying to tell her not to make the connection, but she did
anyways. "Then I will take your friend, too. My victory will be complete!
Ohohoho!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The last of the audience was filing out of the Ultradome, and the only
people in the main hall were maintenance workers.
Sofia and Johnny emerged from a side door. Sofia was wearing one of
Johnny's outfits, which hung a little loosely on her.
"What if I'm stuck this way forever, Johnny? All my ID is for a
woman!"
"Not to worry. I know some people. Hey, if you buff up a little, my
next film is a buddy picture. I can get them to make the other guy a
Russian." Johnny looked across the hall. "What do you know? The snack
bar's still open."
Sure enough, the lights were still on, and the vendor looking over at
them with a slightly haughty air.
Sofia's stomach growled. "I am hungry. I was too upset earlier to
eat." She walked over.
"A large popcorn, please."
"You want butter on that, femboy?"
It had been a long hard day for Sofia, and this was the last straw.
"WAAH!"
"Aw, geez, now you made her cry."
Pantyhose Tarou sneered. "And what are you gonna do about it?"
Johnny Cage might be considered a "bad guy" in Ultra, but he'd played
the hero in way too many movies not to know his next line. "I'm calling you
out, Tarou. I don't care if you are supposed to be some sort of super
master with Beast powers. You just don't treat a woman that way."
Tarou lifted the counter gate and stepped through. "Huhuhuhu. You
really think you can take me, Cage?"
"We'll find out, won't we, Pantyhose?"
"Don't call me that!" And the fight was on.
Johnny hammered a few blows into Tarou's midriff, and almost
immediately regretted it. The boy had a gut of steel!
Tarou retaliated with a knee to the groin. Apparently, he hadn't been
paying attention to Lina's announcement either, but it still sent Cage
flying.
Sofia had started humming the Mortal Kombat theme, and bagged herself
some popcorn. With butter.
Johnny decided to try fireballing, and was rewarded by a stunned look
from Tarou. He followed up with a few shadow kicks, and his opponent began
to slow.
Sofia yelled "FINISH HIM!" in a remarkably good imitation of Shao Khan.
Johnny obliged, with an uppercut that took Tarou's head completely off,
in a shower of red fluid from the Chinese boy's neck.
"FATALITY! JOHNNY CAGE WINS! If you weren't covered in blood, I'd
kiss you."
"If you weren't a man right now, I'd let you." Johnny felt good.
Better than he had in a very long time. *This* was what he'd been missing.
Winning was oh so sweet, and dead opponents didn't come back next week to
beat you up in the rematch. It was..."What's that smell?"
"What do you mean?"
"This blood doesn't smell right. More like...transmission fluid."
They looked over to Tarou's corpse. The corpse that was giving off
small sparks, and had wires sticking out of its neck.
Sofia went over to check. "This is a robot! Nothing but a stinking
robot!"
Johnny looked around, hoping none of the Cybergrrlz were listening.
Sofia found the latch to open the chest compartment. "Would you look
at all these hate tapes?"
Inside, the robot's CPU could be seen to have cartridges labelled "HATE
RANMA," "HATE ULTRA," "HATE, "HATE" and "HATE." It also had a small label,
"Another fine product of--" The rest was illegible.
"Amazing." Johnny walked over and picked up the head. "At least I can
keep this as a souvenir."
Tarou's eyes opened. Johnny dropped the head.
"If you're hearing this, then one of you losers has *finally* figured
out I'm not really here. Where's the real me? That's for me to know and
you to worry about. You'll be seeing me in your ni#SQWARK#" Johnny pulled
out the wire connecting the voicebox.
"So, how long do you figure he's been gone?"
Johnny shrugged. "Could be months. Do you care?"
Sofia laughed. "Not until *after* a nice long hot bath."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
][ ULTRA EPISODE 33 RESULTS RECAP
][ RANMA defeats SOFIA, now at 9W/5L
][ WOLVERINE defeats MORRIGAN, now at 3W/2L
][ LINA INVERSE defeats EVANGELION UNIT 02, now at 5W/2L
][ JYUUSENKYO SURVIVORS defeat TEAM ROCKET, now at 5W/3L
][ JOHNNY CAGE decapitates TAROU ROBOT, no status change
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Hoody-hoo! Despite everything, it's done! Now I can only hope this
gets to you....
As usual, there are parts left out; I'm sorry I didn't get that Gamma
title defense in. And direct references to "Unnatural Selections" had to be
axed. Please check it out in the Omake section.
I'd like to thank my prereaders, especially Lurker, Sean Gaffney and
Blade. (Sorry about Tarou, dude...) Also thanks to the folks on
#improfanfic and #fanfic, especially Alan Harnum. And a really big warm
fuzzy to DamienRoc, who is making sure this arrives in good shape.
If you have any questions or comments, post 'em on the message board,
or email me at skjam@hotmail.com and I'll be more than willing to expound on
oh, say, what the heck Bismoll is....
One last thing. Sofia is NOT permanently cursed. Instant Nanniichuan
works only once. Just making sure....
huzzah,
SKJAM!