David A. Tatum wrote:
The Rebel Esper
-------------------------Chapter 1
Madoka Ayukawa smiled to herself as she washed the dishes for the ABCB.
The previous night had been incredible- even enough to make all the >pain
that they went through with Hikaru worth it. Perhaps. No, >definitely...
though it was sad that the problems with Hikaru had to >happen. In the
end, though, Kyousuke was too valuable of a four leaf >clover for her to
hand him off to Hikaru, however much she cried.
"Four leaf clover?" I think I know what you're trying to get at,
but it does seem an odd way for Madoka to think about Kyousuke.
Madoka continued scrubbing the dishes and sighed. 'There you go, >making
yourself all melancholy again. And after such a good time last >night,
too.' Then again, that might have been WHY she let those happy >feelings
get away from her- because feeling good about last night made >her feel
guilty about what she'd taken away from her one-time best >friend.
Now that's got the makings of a real complex. ^_-
Would Madoka still be feeling guilty at this point? I suppose it
depends... just how much time has passed since the events of "Ano
Hi ni Kaeritai"? Days? Months? A year? It's not really clear,
and since you're throwing away the Shin KOR continuity, we can't
assume it's the same interval (though that seems likely). This
should probably be made clearer.
It was something she'd have to think about. Would she ever be able to
forgive herself for hurting Hikaru? It felt so... selfish... to want
Kyousuke for herself, but she'd given up so much of her life for so >many
other people that couldn't she be allowed to be selfish about one >of the
only things that was truly important to her? And besides, in >the end,
hadn't KYOUSUKE been the one to make the decision?
Perhaps that was the best way to think about it. Kyousuke had always
seemingly preferred her, even when he closest to Hikaru. He accepted
Hikaru's attentions, but craved her own. So Kyousuke was happier this
way. She was happier this way- when she wasn't feeling guilty about it
all. Perhaps even Hikaru would be, in the long run, happier- if >Kyousuke
had chosen Hikaru over Madoka, he would have started out >always knowing
that, at one time, there was someone who he loved more, >and eventually
that would have torn the two of them apart, making >Hikaru feel just as
bad. Maybe. Maybe not.
I seriously doubt Madoka would feel the need to justify herself this
way at this point. Or else I'm putting this at a later time than you
had in mind, which gets back to the above point.
Either way, it's a flimsy rationalization... and an unnecessary one.
And Madoka should know it.
As a whole, this opening doesn't work for me. First, it's not an
attention-grabbing setup; if you're going with a low-key, "seemingly
ordinary day" opening, it needs to be well-crafted. I'm not sure
what you're hoping to accomplish with Madoka's thoughts about the
former triangle; they seem too forced and obvious for readers who
already are familiar with KOR canon, yet they're too vague and
fleeting to really help readers who aren't. Maybe it's just me, but
the whole section to this point reads as filler, and if it had been
a series other than KOR, I probably wouldn't have read further.
Highly recommend re-thinking your opening -- either make the exposition
of the background more natural, or save it for later and start with
something stronger.
As these thoughts churned through her head, she tried to grasp the last
cup. It was out of reach, but as her hand went towards it the cup
itself lifted and flew towards her. Madoka didn't even realize it
until she held the cup in her hand. When she did, she gasped.
'How did that happen?' she thought to herself. She'd learned of
Kyousuke's Esper powers some time ago, and so the actual movement
wasn't what surprised her. What surprised her was that niether
neither
Kyousuke nor any of his
family were present- nor was anyone else, as it was after hours and
the Master was taking a day off. So how in the world did that happen?
This, incidentally, is the strongest part of the opening, as it
presents an interesting question.
A little more than an hour later, a knocking on the door of the ABCB
let Madoka know that Kasuga had arrived to walk her home.
I don't like the construction "a knocking." Would use "a knock" or
"knocking" instead (probably the former).
Also, above you refer to him as Kyousuke. In this scene, suddenly,
it's Kasuga. I'd stick with one form or the other, since this is
narration and not dialogue. Kyousuke would probably be best, since
there are other Kasugas.
She still hadn't finished the dishes- she'd gotten lost in thought
about what had happened, trying to convince herself that it had just
been her imagination and failing- so she had to ask him to wait.
Trying to convince herself for over an hour, without accomplishing
anything in that time? That doesn't ring true. It's -hard- to stand
for an hour doing nothing but reviewing the same five seconds. Even
if she was in a state of shock at first (not unreasonable, given her
established reaction to ghosts and other supernatural elements), I
have trouble imagining it could last that long.
[...]
>from the refridgerator.
refrigerator
Ayukawa finished the dishes and drained the water from the sink.
And now Madoka -- who was Madoka earlier in this scene, as well as
before the scene change -- has become Ayukawa. Stay consistent,
again.
Kyousuke, can I come over to your place tonight? There are
some things I want to talk with you about."
Just a brief note: The fact that she's calling him "Kyousuke" rather
than "Kasuga-kun" seems to support the idea that a significant amount
of time has passed since AHnK.
[...]
As she headed over to the locker room, she paused. "By the way, is
the rest of your family home?"
Kyousuke's nervousness doubled. "Um, uh, well... I think they will be,
yeah. Is that going to be a problem?" he squeaked.
Madoka chuckled slightly. "Stop thinking so dirty, Kyousuke!
Heh. Some things never change.
[...]
A comfortable silence held for a couple of blocks before Ayukawa >decided
to open up a conversation, and perhaps get a little head
start on the questions she wanted to ask him and his family.
"Kyousuke, there's something I've been wondering since I've found
since I found
out about your... family secret."
Kasuga glanced around. It was night-time, so it was dark,
Do we really need to be told that it's dark at night?
but he could tell that there wasn't anyone around close enough to
hear them. "Yeah? What is it?"
"What does it feel like? To use it, I mean?"
And more exposition ahead. This one feels a lot more natural than
your opening did, however; having it as a part of dialogue helps.
"Heh... if I'm mad enough, or desperate enough, I can do some pretty
remarkable things and not even realize I'm doing them until after I'm
done. It does tire me out, though."
Yep. Even disregarding Shin KOR, where he learns to do things like
cross into the afterlife and back, Kyousuke is pretty darn powerful.
He'll probably outdo his grandfather by an order of magnitude or two,
eventually...
[...]
Ayukawa smiled, remembering her own experiences following Kyousuke
through a timeslip, and finding out that he WAS her first love, after
all.
Hm. So you're not of the opinion that Madoka knew/remembered earlier
than that point?
"So why the sudden interest, anyway?" he asked unexpectedly.
Unexpectedly? Seems like a pretty reasonable follow-up to me. And
even Kyousuke isn't clueless enough to miss the big blaring "Madoka
is troubled" signs. ^_^
Madoka frowned slightly, brought back to the present. "That's why I
wanted to come over to your place to discuss.
Hm. Should this be "That's what I wanted..."?
[...]
They continued walking in silence, but this time it was somewhat less
comfortable. Kyousuke didn't know what was going on, and Ayukawa was
worried about what the cause of her own puzzlement might be.
Consistency again. Now Kyousuke is Kyousuke, but Madoka is still
Ayukawa.
[...]
Certain fears gripped her,
"Certain [unspecified] fears" sounds kind of silly, IMO.
and she tightened her hold on Kasuga's hand. He, increasingly
worried himself at her growing anxiety, tightened his hold as well.
By the time they reached the door, they both were bordering on nervous
wrecks. Madoka, however, straightened herself up, released Kasuga's
hand, regained her composure, and looked over at him with
determination. "Well, are you going to open the door, or not?"
Kyousuke blinked, and the scrambled to grab his keys out of his
pocket and opened the door for her.
Hehe.
BTW, "the" should be "then" here, and your sentence doesn't work as
written. Possibilities:
Kyousuke blinked and then scrambled to grab his keys out of his
pocket and open the door for her.
Kyousuke blinked, scrambled to grab his keys out of his pocket,
and opened the door for her.
Kyousuke blinked, then scrambled to grab his keys out of his pocket
and open the door for her.
Kyousuke blinked, then scrambled to grab his keys out of his pocket,
and opened the door for her. (Not entirely certain that this one
is grammatical, but I think it scans okay.)
He didn't know what was going on, but he could
tell that when he found out, it wasn't going to be very good.
Story of his life...
[...]
Kurumi, grooming Jingoro (much to the cat's displeasure), waved at them
happily. "Hello, Kyousuke. Hello, Madoka," she said in a sing-song
voice. "Now just why did you bring her over here, brother, instead of
taking her to her house? I'd think you'd get a lot more privacy for
the perverted things you do over there."
I'd move the "over there" to just after "privacy," or maybe just before
"I'd think."
"Kurumi!" Kyousuke fumed.
Kurumi: Well, it's true. I have pictures.
Kyousuke's father walked into the room, holding a portfolio case.
"Oh, Madoka! What are you doing here?"
Madoka: Becoming a recurring theme.
Madoka glanced around at the Kasuga family before beginning.
"Well... I had a few questions I wanted to ask you and the whole
family. Even Kyousuke's grandfather, if possible."
Mr. Kasuga coughed. "Um, I'm afraid that he's involved in a clan
function at the moment, and so we can't call on him right now. But
we'll gladly help if we can."
How does he know? Grandfather would have had to send a message, but
why would he? It's not as though Takeshi and the kids call on him
all that often... in fact, I don't think they have the means to,
psychically at least. They'd have to use the phone like anyone else,
since telepathy doesn't seem to run in their branch of the family.
[...]
"Madoka," Mr. Kasuga interrupted in a soothing voice. "What happened?"
"Well... see, no-one else was around, and I was washing the dishes
getting ready to go home, but I still had an hour until Kyousuke was
supposed to show up. I wasn't really thinking about what I was doing,
I was just doing it... then I reached for a glass that was really too
far away for me to pick up, and it... it flew to my hand, in much the
same way your Powers can make things fly around the room. I... I
don't know what caused it, either- was it a poltergeist, or... or...."
This speech seems a little too formal to me. I think it's just the
"in much the same way your Powers can make things fly around the room"
that strikes me as awkward.
Mr. Kasuga's eyes hardened. He turned to Kyousuge. "Son... you
aren't a virgin any more, are you?"
Kyousuke: <faint>
Kurumi: Told you so.
Madoka, on the other hand, collapsed with a haunted look in her eyes.
Kyousuke's father seemed to know right away what it was, and his
question apparently confirmed her suspicions. "It's true... I'm
pregnant, aren't I?"
Hm. I can see how she made that leap, but I can't see how the logic
would hold up. Madoka isn't stupid; she'd know it takes a while for
a brain to develop. Not much chance of a zygote using Esper abilities.
Kurumi and Manami's eyes widened in shock. "Eehhhhhh!?" they chorused.
Kyousuke, at that pronouncement, wobbled on his legs and fell to his
knees in shock. "P-pregnant? But... how?"
Kyousuke has a knack for saying just the right thing, doesn't he? :p
Madoka glared at Kyousuke. "Well, I certainly hope you didn't forget
last night... or the night before... or last Sunday."
Kyousuke waved his arms in a panic. "No- of course I do. They were
unforgetable nights... but we were using protection, so how could you
be pregnant?"
Madoka shrugged. "I don't know, but, well, I'm guessing from your
father's question that my seeming to have the power is the result of
you getting me pregnant- right?"
Mr. Kasuga paused. He and Kyousuke's sisters were a little shocked
by the couple's frank discussion. "Um, well... not necessarily."
Kyousuke finally recovered enough to stand up. Swallowing, he asked,
"What, exactly, does 'not necessarily' mean?"
"Well," Mr. Kasuga said. "It doesn't mean that she's NOT pregnant,
but... what I was thinking was that Madoka absorbed some of your
excess Power, Kyousuke. And the only way she could do that would be
if you were engaging in, ahem, certain activities I don't believe you
two should have been doing until you were married."
Hm. Okay. Interesting premise.
Madoka blushed faintly as she realized what they'd just admitted to.
A bit slow on the uptake today? I guess the shock really threw her
off her game.
Kyousuke was more or less in shock, but he still had the wherewithal
to question his fathers words. "She absorbed some of my Power? But
I don't feel like I lost any of it...."
"You didn't. Like I said, she absorbed some of your EXCESS Power.
When you and she were... intimate, your power almost certainly grew
greater than your body could contain on its own, and so it sought an
additional host- Madoka." Mr. Kasuga coughed. "It happened between
me and your mother quite a bit, actually."
Hmm.
All three of the Kasuga siblings was surprised by that one. "But
you've never used any of the Power!" Kurumi exclaimed.
Mr. Kasuga sighed. "I don't know if I've got any of it left,
actually. I wouldn't use it if I did, either, even in an emergency.
The Power I got from these... encounters... is limited. I could
never tell how much of it I had, or when it would run out...." He
How would he know, if he'd never used it? Or did he, once, and the
consequences made him decide never to again?
Also, this implies that those powers are in fact controllable. Which
is rather interesting, since Madoka didn't feel anything when she
accidentally used them, and it's pretty well established that
Kyousuke and the twins -do-. To control them without being able to
feel them strikes me as similar to a blind man performing surgery...
directed his attention to their guest. "Madoka, don't worry about it
affecting you badly. You have some of Kyousuke's powers, but it's
like a rechargible battery- when you're with him intimately, you'll
'charge up,' but you'll find that it's very easy to use that power up
quickly."
"Mr. Kasuga," Ayukawa asked. "Why wouldn't you use your possible
Powers even in an emergency?"
Kyousuke's father sighed, bowing his head. "Well... as long as I
still have that small charge, I've still got a small part of her with
me at all times. I won't ever let it go, not even at death- it's
really all I have left of her that matters, except for the kids."
Silence reigned for a moment- this time, it was neither comforting
nor disturbing, but instead was just... heavy. Finally, Mr. Kasuga's
head looked up, a wicked smile on his face. "At any rate... it seems
obvious that the two of you are now a bit more than just friends,
huh? When are you planning on getting married?"
"Um..." Madoka and Kyousuke answered.
<blink> Why the reluctance? I'd think they'd be eager about it. Might
want to wait until after college, depending on just when this takes
place (but if Madoka is still at the ABCB, then it's either summer
break, or they both went to college locally...), but other than that...
* * * * *
The ancestral meeting hall of the Kasuga clan was in flames. Standing
outside of the burning building stood a battered pair of grandparents.
This, too, would make a stronger opening than the one you've got.
You might want to think about moving this up to the front, and leaving
the Madoka/Kyousuke bits for later.
"Did everyone get out safely?" the Grandfather said.
Drop "the."
"I believe so. Most people left as soon as He showed up, and the
I wouldn't capitalize "he." It's a bit... overwrought.
"Where's Kazuya?" he asked.
"His parents took him away to hide. He's powerful for his age, but
he's too young and inexperienced to face someone like... Him."
Questionable. Kazuya has fewer qualms about using his powers than
Kyousuke and the twins (even Kurumi), and likely has more practice
than they did at his age. He may even be a match for Kyousuke despite
the age difference, in both experience and power.
Find Akane- send her to let Kyousuke and his sisters know what's
Hmm? Shouldn't Akane be with Kazuya? Or did they get separated
during... whatever happened?
"Are you sure?" the Grandmother asked. "Most of the clan was gathered
here, and yet even together we weren't able to deal with Him."
"No, I'm not sure. I thought I was sure that we could handle Him this
time, but... well, you can see that I was wrong. We'll just have to
hope, though, that with their youth, their intelligence, and their
friends they can at least survive."
Hmm. Very nice setup for a threat. I hope you haven't stacked the
deck too much against Kyousuke and friends, though; if your villain
is powerful enough that the assembled Kasugas couldn't deal with him,
then Kyousuke's group will have to come up with one heck of a plan
to avoid a deus-ex-machina ending. Should be interesting to see.
"If not-"
"If not them, then who? They are the strongest of those of us not
in the village... and WE, obviously, could not handle Him. They are
our best hope." He paused. "Considering what happened to us, they
are our only hope."
That last sentence is a bit overwrought, again. Not a bad way to
end the segment and chapter, though.
Overall... weak opening, interesting premise. Not a lot to say about
the characters just yet, but Kyousuke and Madoka seem okay so far.
The plot has enough promise to keep me reading for a few more chapters,
and aside from the switching between personal and family names as
identifiers in the narration, there are no major problems.
I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.
Scott Schimmel Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;
Ex luce ad tenebras
"You really aren't normal, are you?" - Miki Koishikawa