KDH wrote:
A nineteen-year-old woman worked in the kitchen getting the evening
meal ready. Her long hair was corralled in a ponytail to prevent it
>from interfering with her life too much. Looking at the clock, she
realized it was time to start the rice cooker. The kitchen appliance
was dented, like all the other devices in the room. A glance at the
cupboard showed that the plastic tub of rice was almost empty. <Gotta
bring more rice down from my room.>
She keeps rice in her room?
She made a mental note to herself.
After the proper amount of rice and water were added to the device,
she turned it on only to be greeted by the 'done' chime. A sour
expression crossed her face for a moment; then she hit the machine
hard in JUST the right place to make it work this time. So it was that
a new dent joined the multitude.
Heh. I know the feeling. Sometimes it takes blunt trauma to get some things
to work right.
The cook turned to see her younger sister, a lanky seventeen year old.
"Don't worry. I've got everything under control." She looked
thoughtful then
thoughtful, then (I think)
The older girl took a big whiff, and then noticed a bit of smoke.
"Uh... dinner, I think!" She said, then turned to see a tiny fire
starting in the skillet where she had been browning some meat.
"Ooohh... WHY ME!"
WHY ME?!"
she shouted, then began evasive maneuvers to save
dinner. It was from moments like these that her unique School, Martial
Arts Housekeeping had arisen.
Sounds like Akane.
The younger girl watched the spectacle for a few moments, the headed
up to her room. She DID need to study and, no matter how much of a
mess Big Sister made in the kitchen, the food ALWAYS came out well.
Then again...
In a building adjacent to the home, the third daughter busied herself
with her daily training regimen. She had just finished her morning
run, and was currently removing the ankle and wrist weights she
trained with. Setting the last weight sown,
down
she looked around the
dojo. Someday, it would be hers. She would inherit her family's
legacy, and its school. Sadness crossed her face as she thought about
her mom... who had died ten years earlier. How different things would
have been had she lived.
The beatings. The coat hangers. The way she had insisted her daughters do
some
prostitution on the side to help make ends meet. Oh yes, things would have
much, much more different had she survived.
A white gi contrasted with her long hair, tied in a ponytail like both
her sisters.
'siblings' might be better here since you use 'sister' early in the next
sentence.
Shaking away the threat of tears thoughts
tears that thoughts (sounds better to me)
of Mother always brought on,
the girl began her kata. Training occupied a specific place in her
life. And took
life, and took (this might more attributeted to personal style than
anything else)
Upstairs, with dinner now on autopilot, Big Sister worked out in her
room. Large bags of foodstuffs were used as an impromptu weight set,
Oh, so she does keep the rice up there.
since her father wouldn't buy anything like that for her.
I hope you'll explain exactly why that is.
Accompanying
the workout were the guttural cries and exaggerated sound effects of a
martial arts film than
'than'? I'm not sure what you're trying to say there.
played on her mini TV/VCR. When mom died,
When her mother died
Even after seven years, it still hurt when she as she
drop 'as she'
remembered her
father's reaction. Little Sister was to be the sole heir of the
school. Little Sister had not abandoned the Art, and thus had shown
herself as worthy.
Now that's cold.
Since she had graduated from High School, her life was defined by
housework and martial arts. And even when she was in school, the only
subjects she really cared about were Home Economics and Physical
Education.
And Philosophy. But when she tried to get into philosophical discussions
with others, then just ran away, so she dropped the course altogether.
She had her best workouts when Daddy was gone.
I'd go with 'her father' there.
Those times, she would
go to the dojo and go through a proper set of kata. She knew Father
frowned on her activities, but as long as meals were cooked and the
house was in order, he didn't complain too much... unless her
he
***
Father had gathered the three sisters for an important announcement.
They all knelt before the table in the living room. "Ranma is coming!"
He said with excitement, waving a postcard with a panda on it.
"But I was waiting for Godat," the youngest sister complained.
Akane looked from Ranma to Nabiki,
Pretty much had it figured out by now. Still, it's good to know I was
right.
Nabiki had the thoughtful look on her face that caused many at her
High School
No Need For Capitalization There. ^_^
"Sure, Nabiki. I'd like that."
that,"
"Sure... Akane, is it? Let's see whatcha got."
got,"
Nabiki shook her head. Daddy was laying it on a little too thick.
"Yes father."
Father," Akane
>
Well... There it is. I thought I'd toss an alt-fic out and see what
happened.
Cute idea. Not sure where you would go with it from there, but it is
interesting enough as it stands now. the prose flowed well and read good
enough for me.
D.B. Sommer