I agree whole-heartedly with Allyn; the improvement between
this draft and the previous is quite remarkable. You appear
to have a natural gift for story-telling.
Yup, definitley a bad day.
Spelling error: "definitely"
"Class" the teacher began "As you all know we have a new
student. Miss-"
the teacher frantically looked around "I could have sworn she
was right behind me..."
VERY good; hooks your reader quite well.
long bright blue hair gradually turning white at the tips
that extended to her butt.
To me, the word "butt" reads strange here. Something softer,
perhaps, like "rear", or even just "below her waist".
"I'm Miko Ukagi and I was recently transfered from Furinkan
High." stated the girl
VERY intriguing; the reader suspects a trans-dimensional
visitor, or a descendant or Ranma returning through time
for a visit.
Miko smiled " Ofcourse, I was only kidding. What I meant was that I'm
from St. Michi's school of martial arts.
Unusual name, I would think, at least for a martial arts
school. Perhaps significant?
"Mr. Saotome please stand in the hall."
heh.
The day was with out incident until dissmisal.Kuno was
"without" (one word). Spelling: "dismissal". Two spaces
after the period.
"Yo, Kuno! Stop scaring all the new students and ...do
whatever people like
you do for R&R." said Ranma and moving to block Kuno's
Tense change; either 'said Ranma, moving to block' or
'said Ranma, who moved to block'.
"Ranma you cur! Now I will free the lovely Akane Tendou and
my pig-tailed
goddess from your sorcerous thrall!" Kuno glared at Ranma and charged.
Rather than simply put a generic Kuno speech in his mouth
at this point, it would've been more interesting to have Kuno
(given that he was about to hit on Miko) say that he was
attempting to "keep this beauteous lass from your sorcerous
grasp".
Before anyone knew what happened Kuno was sailing through the
air. Miko had intercepted Kuno and delivered a swift punch to
his face. It was so fast Ranma almost didn't see it.
Unfortunately, Kuno in his desparation to counter this
unforseen attack, lashed out and shoved Miko backwards.
Having Miko punch, rather than just throw, Kuno, seems an
overreaction on her part. Having it be so fast that RANMA
"almost didn't see it" puts you at risk of making your new
character too powerful to sustain interest in your story.
(There is no real reason for this assertion unless you're
TRYING to make a point of Miko's being much faster than Ranma.)
And Kuno's recovery from "sailing through the air" to "shoved
Miko" needs description.
Ranma caught Miko just as she was about to fall. Ranma was
helping her
up when he realized that his hands were resting on two very soft
things...round and soft.
While quite funny, this is difficult to picture. Kuno would
have had to shove Miko's back, so that she was about to fall
forward, for Ranma to be "helping her up" with his hands where
you describe. If this is the way you picture this scene, tell
us so.
"Ranma! What do you think your doing!?" Demanded Akane
heh.
"BAKA!" Akane suddenly glowed blue and was hefting a giant mallet.
The presence of the mallet is a signal, even in Takahashi,
not to take the violence seriously. I think it would work
better to have Akane simply march forward with clenched fists.
She took a swing at Ranma only to have it blocked. Akane
opened her eyes to see Miko holding the mallet steady with
her two fingers...right at the center, and with a sudden
flick of her hand seen mallet careening off to the bushes.
I agree with Allyn that Akane shouldn't have had her eyes
closed. Also, you want "sent the", not "seen".
Akane made a "gasp" sound in shock. At the back of her head
she suddenly had a sense of ... deja vu.
VERY nice foreshadow.
"Is she disturbing you Ranma?" Miko asked innocently as
everyone stared at her with big sweat drops on their heads.
I'm not as opposed as Allyn to sweatdrops, at least in
fanfiction. Understand, though, that you WILL have to master
alternate descriptive techniques to be able to write other
kinds of fiction; this kind of shortcut is not comprehensible
to readers who are not anime fans.
Frustrated and confused Akane grabbed the nearest thing,in
this case a bench, and threw it in the general direction of
Mikoadn Ranma. They bothn ducked and it accidentally hit one
of the students watching them. Akane heard the sickening
sound of CRACK!, then everything went black.
Possibly OOC for Akane. Spelling, spacing, and punctuation
mistakes. VERY unclear why Akane fainted here; I really
think you need to extend the encounter before Akane passes
out.
Almost instantly, Ranma was by her side. He held her
tightly, like she was
was going to be snatched away in an instant, yet gently, like
her bones were made of glass.
Again, nice foreshadow. The reader infers that Ranma knows
something we don't, about Akane.
As Ranma left he saw Nabiki and Kasumi talking, before the
voices faded
away he heard "... i hope its not happening again..."
Again, VERY nice way to end this chapter. Hook that reader!
Notes: This is a rewrite of Action and Reaction Part 1. Why? well when
i wrote the original draft pratically all C&C was critical at
best so I knew that there was something seriuosly wrong with my
writing. Again as before C&C is desperately needed!
As Allyn said, if your writing seriously sucked, quite
possibly you'd have gotten no responses at all. People are
commenting because they see your potential. You have extremely
strong dramatic instincts; you just need to hone your
technical skills. Getting the commentary is far and away
the best way to improve.
I'm looking forward to reading the next part of this.