I must admit that I find this one intriguing and fairly well written.
My commentary is enclosed in square [ ] Brackets.
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Ranma 1/2: The Surrogate
=============================================
Ranma, like just about every other person on the planet, hated
hospitals. The cold, sterile walls, the waiting, the uncertainty of
having a loved one in surgery, it was almost enough to drive him
insane.
//A fibroid tumor,\\ Ranma thought, remembering the diagnosis
from Akane's last visit to her gynecologist. //It's probably nothing,
she said. It's benign, not cancer. She'll be fine.\\ Ranma's
confidence, which had been so strong just a week before, was beginning
to crumble. The doctor said the surgery would take an hour at the most,
and here it was three. What was going on!
[I well and truly hate the convention of somehow flagging a character's
thoughts in narrative passages. It is unnecessary. If you remove these
hash marks, you find that the passage reads just fine without them.
Better in fact, because the hash marks are not standard punctuation.]
Two weeks ago, Akane had visited Dr. Keiko Satoshi, her
gynecologist, for her annual checkup. It was then that they found the
tumor growing on her uterus. The doctor had said it was a fibroid
tumor, and had lost Ranma in the process of explaining what it was.
Akane had been kind enough to translate, telling him that most fibroid
tumors, about nintey-eight percent, were benign and as such there was
little to worry about.
But sitting in the hospital, able to do nothing more than wait,
was starting to get to him. He looked across at Kasumi, who sat near his
mother, both with worried looks on their faces. Soun and Genma sat
opposite of them, both looking somber and controlled. Nabiki, who was
away at college, was absent.
[Drawing from personal experience, waiting rooms get to me the minute I
set foot in them. Write it the way you want, I pass this along as an
FYI.]
//Damnit, what's taking so long!\\ The sound of footsteps
approaching snapped his head up to seek out the source. Was this the
surgeon? Were they finished?
The doctor walked up to them, a thin man with angular features
and a pair of horn-rimmed glasses on his face. His white lab coat was
immaculately neat, as were the rest of his clothes.
"Mr. Saotome?"
"How's Akane?" Oh, he did not like the tone in this guy's
voice...
"There has been a... complication... in the surgery." Ranma
barely heard the gasps from the others as his world threatened to
crumble around him. A complication? Something went wrong? The doctor's
words came to him in fits and starts, disjointed sounds that made little
sense individually.
"...we had to perform a partial hysterectomy," he finished, his
voice filled with the apology he did not say. A histowhatome?
[Minor nit pick: A Japanese doctor would be profusely apologetic under
these circumstances.]
"Akane's gonna be okay, right?" Ranma asked desperately, a hard
edge in his voice that dared the skinny little geek to give the wrong
answer.
"Your wife will make a full recovery, yes," the doctor replied.
Ranma felt relief wash over him in a wave, a great weight lifting off
his shoulders. He almost shouted for joy when he noticed that no one
else was sharing in his elation.
"Hey, c'mon!" Ranma exclaimed, "Akane's gonna be okay! What's the
problem?"
"If you will excuse us, doctor," Nodoka said quietly.
"Of course. Akane is out of surgery now. You can see her in
another few hours." The man bowed once before turning to leave. Ranma
watched as the tears welled up in Nodoka's eyes, wondering just what
the hell this was all about. The doc just said Akane would be all right!
"What's goin' on, mom?"
"Ranma..." Nodoka trailed off for a moment, as though she were
choosing her words as carefully as she could. "A hysterectomy is when a
woman's uterus is removed."
Ranma paused for a moment, lessons from his biology class
replaying themseles in his mind. The uterus, that was where the babies
grew before being born, right? He almost asked what it all meant when
the realization finally hit him. If Akane's uterus had been taken out,
then... oh, no....
Ranma slumped back into the hard green chair, his body and mind
numb. Akane was... was...barren.....
============================================
The recovery ward in which Akane Saotome rested was a long
off-white room in which non-critical patients were placed after surgery.
Fifteen beds line up parallel along one wall, each separated by a thin
blue curtain that surrounded each bed and gave the illusion of privacy.
[In truth, it's a pretty damned skimpy illusion. God I hate hospitals!]
Akane lay in one of the beds, the privacy curtain in place. A
clear IV tube ran from her hand to a clear plastic bag that hung on a
metal pole beside her bed. Her chest rose and fell with each breath, her
sleeping face almost angelic as she slumbered under the anesthesia.
[They look angelic all right. They look as though they are about to
join the angels.]
Ranma stood next to her, the others surrounding the bed with
him, as her eyelids began to flutter. A low moan escaped her lips as
consciousness returned to her.
[They are always big time thirsty, so you give 'em a piece of ice. The
doc's don't want to chance them getting nauseated.]
How was he gonna tell her? How in the world could he possibly
break such news? Ranma cursed the fate that placed them in this
position, for him to be the one to shatter Akane's heart like this. Her
eyes slowly opened, dulled from the residual drugs in her system. They
fell on Ranma's face, and he almost couldn't bear their gaze.
"Hey," Akane said weakly.
"Hey, Akane. How're ya feelin'?"
"A little groggy, but I'm okay," she replied with a small grin.
The grin faded, replaced with a frown of concern. "Ranma, what's wrong?"
[Actually, she feels as though she's been hung up in a hay baler for
about three days, but she's a martial artist, too--Right?]
"Akane..." Ranma couldn't bring himself to say any more,
unwilling to break down in front of her and everyone. He reached out and
grasped her hand in both of his, hoping to draw the strength he needed.
[I suggest adding the word "else" after everyone.]
"What's going on? Everything's fine, right?" He could hear the
nervousness in Akane's voice, and it broke his heart.
"Akane, the doctors found.... other tumors." Nodoka said, her
voice nearly choked. Akane gasped audibly, returning Ranma's grip with a
fierce grasp of her own. "They had to perform a hysterectomy."
The small space went silent for a few moments, as if the world
itself suddenly stopped dead. The sound of footsteps echoed beyond the
blue privacy curtain, a doctor or nurse making rounds as a voice quietly
asked something of another patient.
It started as a low moan, growing rapidly to a keening wail as
the realization hit home. Ranma's heart finally tore itself to shreds as
he draped an arm around Akane's shoulders. Her own arms shot around him,
grasping him as if her very life depended on it.
A nurse poked her head in to ask if everything was okay. Ranma
didn't answer as Akane's muffled sobs hit him like one of Ryoga's
punches. He could feel her tears soaking his shirt, and finally allowed
his own to break free.
"We tried so hard to get them married," Genma muttered, "and
now we face a tragedy like this. What have we done to deserve it?" There
was no answer, nor would there ever be.
[FWIW, I don't know that a Doctor would allow such news to be broken to
a patient until after they were removed from recovery and into a regular
room. At a minimum, her reaction would upset other, very fragile
patients.]
===========================================
Akane had been released soon after, returning to the dojo
looking none the worse for wear. Akane spent most of the time sitting in
the bedroom she now shared with Ranma, gazing at the spot where they
were planning to put the crib after their first child was born, the look
of longing on her face almost more than he could stand.
[You do realize that Akane could easily becom suicidal over this?]
Akane had drawn into herself, the fierce and determined tomboy
he fell in love with nowhere to be found. He had tried everything, even
asking her to cook, but she remained in her own isolation, hardly
responsive. The strain of it was beginning to wear him thin, he wanted
his Akane back, damnit! Children or no, she couldn't stay this way!
[When using the expletive damn, one usually writes "dammit" to combine
"damn" and "it" together to make one word. To seperate the two words for
emphasis, write "damn it."]
"Hey, Akane," Ranma said as he shut the bedroom door behind
him. God forgive him, but he had no other choice! The lamp on the
nightstand cast the room in a soft glow, the window showing only the
darkness of night beyond its glass. The light shone dully on Akane's
hair, which hadn't been washed in over a week. Man, this was really
getting to her.
"Hi, Ranma."
"You wanna go out tonight? There's a new movie out."
"No, thanks. I'm not in the mood."
"Akane, you can't stay up here moping around forever!" Ranma
hoped the hard edge in his tone would produce some kind of reaction, a
glare, or a free trip to the moon via one of Akane's haymakers, but she
continued to sit there, stroking the teddy bear she had when she herself
was a child. Instead, she stayed silent, staring at that one damn spot.
"Ya gotta get out and do somethin'!"
Akane sat on their bed, her mind in violent turmoil despite her
placid facade. She wanted children, she wanted them so desperately she
could taste it, but it just wasn't going to happen. They had planned on
building a family, creating heirs to the Tendo and Saotome Schools of
Anything Goes Martial Arts. They would have created a future for both
themselves and their progeny, then sat back in their twilight years and
watch the whole cycle continue. But that future had been ripped away
before they even had the chance to begin. That knowledge, the empty
feeling inside where her children would have grown into infants, was
more painful than any injury she had ever sustained before. Physical
wounds healed, but something like this never would. Couldn't Ranma see
that?
"C'mon, Akane, say somethin'! Call me an insensitive jerk,
anything, just talk to me!"
"Why?" It was her one question, the one asked by countless
others facing such traumas. Why her? Why did it have to be her?
"I don't know why, Akane," Ranma said gently, "but it ain't the
end of the world. We can still have kids. Hey, we can always adopt,
right?"
"That's not the same!" she snapped. For the first time, the
numbness that clouded her brain had begun to lift, the flames of anger
and frustration finally re-kindling. "I want a child of our own! Not one
whose parents were too lazy to raise it!"
[Frustration? Yeah-huh, Buddy! Big time! At dangerous levels, too!]
"Akane!"
"Our own baby, Ranma, is that too much to ask?!"
"We can do that, too! The docs said that you still got one good
ovary!"
"But I can't give birth!" The flames of Akane's anger were
beginning to die down as despair set itself in once again.
"So? All we need is a surrogate mother for that! Ukyo would
gladly do it, so would Kasumi! Hell, even *mom* said she'd do it!"
[Were I Ranma laboring under these circumstances, Ukyo would be the last
candidate I would mention, unless you are creating a scenario in which
Akane and Ukyo have become very close friends. In which case, Ukyo
should have been at the hospital, right?]
"That's not the same, either." Akane recalled what Doctor
Satoshi had said about In Vitro Fertilization. An egg would be removed
from her one remaining ovary, and fertilized outside her body with a
sample of Ranma's sperm. Once the fetus grew into an embryo, it would be
implanted in a surrogate mother until birth.
[I think it is spelled "en vitreo fertilization," vitreo being the Latin
word for glass.]
"Aw, jeez, Akane," Ranma growled in frustration."
"I'm sorry, but... I can't stand the thought of *our* child
growing in another woman's body. It's just.... I don't know... I want
our child to be born from *us*, not from someone else, even if it is
Ukyo, or even Kasumi."
Ranma paused for a moment, realizing that, indeed, he had no
alternative. It was something he had considered, he knew he could do it,
but the question was if Akane would accept it. Or if anyone else would.
Taking a deep breath to calm his crackling nerves, he opened his mouth
and leapt into the great beyond.
"Then I'll do it." Akane just sat there for a moment, as if she
hadn't heard him. Finally, her eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped open
as his statement hit home.
"Wha... wha.... *what*!?" The utter disbelief in Akane's shout
hit him like a brick, but it was the first real emotion she'd shown in
weeks.
"If that's what you're worried about, then I'll carry our
baby," Ranma explained, cranking his determination up to full. "My girl
body's got the equipment."
[But can your male mind and personality deal with nine-months of
pregnancy and a few months of breast feeding?]
"But.... but... Ranma, are you nuts?"
[Given his upbringing and the constant chaos? No, he is a good deal
saner than he should be.]
"Maybe, but if this is the way it's gotta be..."
"You can't be serious! Can you imagine explaining to our child
that his father is also the woman who bore him?" Ranma had to admit, he
couldn't even begin to comprehend something like that. He couldn't
bother with it, though.
[He was gonna hafta explain to the kid why Dad dad has breasts part of
the time, right? What's one more little detail?]
"Listen, Akane!" Ranma exclaimed, his patience nearly depleted,
"I want children just as much as you do! I want to have a child from our
own flesh and blood, too! And if you don't want our baby to grow inside
another woman, then I'll carry it myself! It'll still be our baby, and
it'll still come from one of us!"
"I..."
"No, listen, Akane. I'm not just doing this for an heir! I'll
do it because damnit I love you, and I want you to be happy!" Akane's
eyes locked with his, the confused jumble of feelings behind them plain
even to him. They looked into each other's souls for what felt like and
eternity, each desperately trying to read the thoughts of the other.
Eventually, Akane broke their contact, looking down at the teddy bear
she still clutched in her hands.
"I don't know, Ranma," Akane said softly, "I mean, there's so
much that could go wrong, and what would our families think?"
[Yeah, like what happens if the pregnant, Onna-Ranma gets into hot
water?]
"I don't care about that."
"Just let me think about it, okay?"
"Okay," Ranma said, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek. He rose
from the bed, hope blossoming in his heart. It would be tough, but at
least now they had a chance...
[More importantly, Akane has a chance.]
=========================================
Breakfast the next morning saw the Tendos and Saotomes gathered
around the table, enjoying one of Kasumi's excellent spreads. The
morning sun beamed its heavenly glow onto the ground below, sliers of
light glinting off the gently rippling surface of the koi pond in the
yard.
[I think "sliers" should probably be "slivers," but I am not certain.]
Akane sat next to Ranma, a curious expression on her face that
drew the attention of everyone gathered. Conversation remianed mostly on
trivial subjects, no one willing to broach Akane's condition. Akane
herself just ate slowly, almost mechanically, yet her eyes shone with a
strange light as if maybe she had come to some sort of tough decision
and still didn't know if it was right.
[SP: remained] [BTW: Akane's condition would have serious consequences
with Nodoka in the mix. My guess is that Nodoka would respond in one of
two ways, she would be asking to have the marraige anulled, or would be
talking to Akane about choosing a concubine for Ranma. Takahashi
portrays Nodoka as a very strict traditionalist.]
"Ranma," she said, setting down her chopsticks. Her fingers
interlocked with each other, thumbs fidgeting with one another as she
prepared to speak. "I thought about what you said last night."
"Yeah?" The hope in his voice was palpable, drawing curious
stares from the assembled families.
"Uh-huh. And I decided to do it."
"You... have? Really!"
"Yeah. I want to do it." Akane's voice grew happier by the
second, a smile finally crossing her lips.
"YA-HOO!"
"What is this all about?" Nodoka asked, puzzled.
"Akane 'n me are gonna have a baby!" The mood around the table
almost instantly lightened as smiles grew all around.
"Oh, that's great news, Akane!" Kasumi exclaimed, "are you
going to
adopt?"
//Uh-oh,\\ Ranma thought. This was the tricky part."
[Shoulda picked up the phone and called Nabiki first, kids. Breaking it
to the parents this way guaranties consequences you don't want! But then
again, forethought has never been Ranma or Akane's strong suit. This
kind of faux pas is perfectly in character for our intrepid couple.]
"Well, we decided to do that In Vitro thing," Akane replied,
her own nervousness showing through. Genma asked who they had chose to
be the surrogate mother, obviously misinterpreting the reason for her
unease.
[SP: vitreo, capitalization not required. On paper manuscript, you would
be expected to underline the word "vitreo." In print, it would appear in
italics because it is a Latin, rather than an English word.]
"Uh.... me." The happy mood in the room instantly went
straight south. Every eye in the room immediately fixed on Ranma, shock
and confusion creating an almost physical presence in the air.
[Shock and confusion? Yeah huh, baby! Why come nobody fainted?]
"Oh, my."
"You... you...." Genma said, his right eye twitching.
"Yeah. Me."
"It's not manly!" Genma practically screamed. "You're a man!
Men don't bear children!"
[I can think of a whole bunch of reasons for Genma to be upset over
this, but the worst thing running through his mind at the moment is the
likely reaction of Nodoka. Genma, suffering from a Jusenkyo curse
himself, might worry that spending nine-months as a pregnant woman could
cause the curse to take Ranma completely over, but the very immediate
problem is the likely reaction of Nodoka to this whole thing. Another
big problem is explaining to outsiders how it is you came to have a
pregnant son. With a little forethought though, I think Genma could have
been handled. Nodoka is another matter altogether.]
"Stuff it, pop!" Ranma shouted back. "This is the only way
you're gonna be a grandpa! So deal with it!"
"I must admit, son, I have my reservations," Nodoka added, her
face set in a stone mask of utter seriousness. "I speak from experience
here, bearing a child is not easy. While it is a joyful thing, it is
also one of the most painful experiences in life. There are things you
do not know about childbirth."
[Way too much of a positive reaction from Nodoka here, in my opinion. At
the very least she would be demanding that Kasumi or Nabiki carry the
child. Childbearing is after all, a Tendo responsibility in this
arranged marraige. She might even insist that the child be made in the
good, old fashioned way favored by nature. She's a traditionalist,
remember?]
"Mom?"
"Son, I don't think you should do it."
"I can't believe I'm hearin' this!" Ranma screamed, shooting up
from his seat. "I ain't doin' this for any of you! I'm doin' it for me
an' Akane! An' if you don't like it, that's tough!"
[OOC, vis a vis Ranma screaming at his mother. IT DON'T HAPPEN. Japanese
boys do *NOT* speak to their mothers this way. This is strictly an
American habit. Mostly I think because American moms don't carry katana
around as a reminder of their status. BTW, Japanese words do not have
plural forms. If you are writing of a single, Japanese sword you would
write "katana." If you are writing of many Japanese swords you would
still write, "katana." This same rule applies to the noun, "kata." I see
"katas" all the time and it grates on the mind's ear. Silly and
puritanical of me, I know, but I can never rid myself of these forlorn
hopes.]
"Ranma!"
"Shut up, Genma!" Akane shouted, "I want to go through with
this, too!"
"Akane," Kasumi said, "I would gladly..."
"NO!" Kasumi jerked back from Akane's heated response as if she
had been physically struck. "I'm sorry, Kasumi, but I don't want our
child to come from someone else. I've thought about it, and this is the
way it has to be. End of discussion."
[I would have Akane show a little more concern for Kasumi's feelings
after having yelled "No!" at her. It would be a better portrayal of two
loving, if emotionally distraught sisters.]
Silence reigned after Akane's difinitive ending remark, no one
seeming to even breathe as the seconds stretched into minutes and
minutes into infinity.
"Ranma...." Soun said, tears practically pouring from his
eyes, "I had no idea. To think that you would... go so far... to bring
us grandchildren!" Ranma soon found himself inside Soun's crushing
embrace, his ribs beginning to hurt from the force. "I'M SO PROUD OF
YOU! MY SON, MY SON!!!"
[BINGO! You got Soun down pat. This is exactly what I would expect of
him. You might even have him be a bit more eloquent and supportive of
Ranma. OTOH, he would also have prevaled upon Kasumi or Nabiki to carry
the child if Nodoka insisted. It is his end of the deal that is falling
apart here.]
Ranma managed to extricate himself after a brief struggle,
gasping for air afterward. He could feel the unease in the air, the
uncertainty of the moment like a pressing cloud of heavy gas.
"I still have my concerns," Nodoka said, "but if you truly feel
this strongly over the matter, than we shall help in any way we can.
Won't we, husband?"
[Right about here is where I would expect Nodoka to fly into a rage,
saying some fairly harsh things about Akane, assuming she had not
already done so.]
"Yes, dear," Genma grumbled, clearly less than thrilled over
the prospect of his son giving birth.
[And Genma, realizing that his own happy ass is on the line would here
begin to brag about Ranma's heroic sacrifices to save the family line
and honor.]
"So will I," Kasumi added, a serious tone in her voice. And so
it began, Ramna's voyage into motherhood...
[Hah! Kasumi finally gets to use all that bridal training she's been so
eager to hand down! And oh, Brother! Is Ranma ever in for one bitch of a
ride.]
======================================
Nice work, Jed. Whether you agree with my character assesments or not, I
look forward to reading more of this one.
Don.