I don't rem,ember what I called the first bit of this,
but I was suddenly inspired to finish up this second
bit. If you ever see two stacks of paper that large
sittign next to a stapler, walk in teh opposite
direction very fast.
NERV vs the United Nations Accreditation process
A Too Close to Real Life Adventure
by Lara Bartram
VOICE: All pilots, report to NERV. This is an emergency!
[Shinji, Asuka, and Rei hurry from the school and make it to NERV in
record time. They burst into the command center, huffing and puffing.]
Shinji: [out of breath] Wha... what is it? An... angel?
Misato: [looking grave] Worse, I'm afraid.
Asuka: [face pale] Worse? How?
Ritsuko: [dropping a stack of papers as tall as a large dog on a long
table next to a similar stack] We need all these stapled.
Rei: ...
Shinji: You... expect me to staple all that?
Gendo: [from his seat] Yes. I have a use for you.
Misato: [sounding very tired] You have to, Shinji. We can't; we have too
many other things to do.
Gendo: [now angry] If you're going to do it, get started! Otherwise
leave!
Shinji: But...
Gendo: [voice tight] Fine. Rei.
Rei: Yes.
Gendo: You will staple.
Rei: Understood.
[Asuka stands back, horrified.]
Misato: [looking at her] Asuka...
Asuka: [thinking] No! Please, let an angel attack, the JSSDF try to
invade, Third Impact, anything but paperwork! [out loud] I won't do it!
Misato: [pulling out a stack of papers and a package of booklets wrapped
in cellophane] You need to put one of these papers into each one of these
books.
Asuka: [eyeing the booklets] That doesn't look so tough. I can do that.
Misato: Good. There's about 30 more of these packages of booklets in the
other room. Make sure you get them all.
Asuka: [crumpling to the floor] No! It's not fair!
Misato: [turning to Shinji] Now, Shinji...
Shinji: I'm running away now! I won't do it!
Misato: [snagging his arm] Your job is easy. You take one of these
envelops and put first one label in the corner, the a label in the other
corner, and then a label in the middle. It's simple.
Shinji: [looking dubious] I... guess so.
Misato: Great! Now, we have about 6 boxes of labels and more can be
made. Use up all the envelopes. Have fun!
Shinji: [watching her go and seeing the stack of boxes of envelopes]
Wait!
[After some time has passed, and all the children appear at least 5 years
older...]
Shinji: [almost in a panic] I can't move my arm!
Asuka: ...
Rei: ...
[The other two look at her and are horrified. Her right arm has fallen
off and decomposed into a puddle of LCL on the floor.]
Shinji: Well I'm glad I didn't have to staple then.
Asuka: ... [translation: my brain is so numb, I forgot how to speak]
[Misato finally returns and smiles at seeing how much was finished.]
Shinji: [grabbing on to her leg and not letting go] Take me
home! Please!
Misato: But Shinji, you still have to put one of those papers and one of
those booklets into the envelopes, and then seal them.
Asuka: ... [translation: well fuck that - I'm going home]
Rei: ...
Misato: [seeing Asuka has suddenly disappeared and Rei has only one arm]
I guess you'll have to do it all your own, Shinji. And we need these done
in two days. Good luck!
[Two days later, Asuka has regained her ability to speak, Rei has regrown
her arm and Shinji's torso is in a cast.]
Asuka: At least we get free lunches out of this.
Shinji: [whining] But I can't eat! Someone feed me!
Asuka: [smacking him in the back of the head] Quit whining.
Rei: Be thankful none of your limbs fell off.
Shinji: [pouting] Still...
[The others of the committee ignore the children, caught up in their own
conversations, until finally the food is brought out. That sends them all
rushing up to fill their plates.]
Misato: [pissed off] What the hell is this? Where did they make this
lunch? The convenience store?
Fuyutsuki: This is... disappointing.
Aoba: Cool! Potato chips!
[He is smacked on the back of the head.]
Aoba: Ow! Hey, who did that?
[No one answers, but Gendo smirks a little, actually awake for a meeting.]
Ritsuko: Chocolate chip cookies? When did we regress to the third grade?
Maya: [bubbly] It's so cute!
[She is smacked on the back of the head.]
Maya: Ow! Who did that?
[Ritsuko smirks a little and puts a pickle on her plate.]
Misato: This sucks. Who ordered this? And were they given two weeks
notice shortly before it?
[As everyone grumbles about the piss-poor quality of the food, Shinji is
left at the table, trying to get up from his chair. Unfortunately, his
arm is caught in Asuka's chair and he can't get himself free.]
Shinji: Someone help! I just want to go home...
----
Lunch was awful, really awful. It was like cafeteria food. Bad cafeteria
food. It certainly wasn't worth all the stapling, booklet stuffing, label
sticking and envelope stuffing.