"Do you want that kind of power?
"Do you?"
For some reason, this infomercial-style intro just doesn't grab me. I'd
prefer something a little less... tacky, for lack of a better word. It just
doesn't fit in well with the style of the rest of the prose.
Checking his watch, he decided against it. As much
as he would have liked to see Manami, and as much as he
liked to impose, there were some things that he drew the
line on.
Sleeping was one of them.
I'd not put a paragraph break here. "Sleeping was one of them" belongs at
the end of the previous paragraph. It's not as if this is some huge,
dramatic revelation.
Hatta paused. It was a girls voice... Sukeban?
girl's
"Let me wash up, first. I'll meet you at the club."
"Very well. I'll see you there."
Well, certainly quite grim. Seems like a typical "clash of the titans"
kinda thing.
Too soon to judge the plot. Technically, this is very good. Enough to draw
my interest despite the infomercial. I'd like to see more.
-Richard