Ryoga P Hibiki wrote:
Shampoo cursed as she felt her foot hit something soft and round. It
squealed
loudly. Ranma woke with a start and charged at her. Shampoo jumped up
barely
avoiding Ranma. She flipped over her and came down slashing at Ranma's
back
with her sword. Ranma screamed as the Amazon made a long shallow cut
^^^
along her back with her spear. The pigtailed girl
^^^
With her sword, then with her spear? How did that switch happen?
unconscious.
Ranma looked at her a moment and walked away.
,
Missing comma.
the air leaping over it. It knocked the rock neatly off the pack and it
rolled
into the bush. He landed back on the pack. and looked at the branch as
it
swayed from its momentum.
Ranma walked until she felt something against her shin. She looked down
You already mentioned her walking a paragraph earlier. You might want
to make this a continuance, as in,
Ranma walk on until she...
or,
Ranma resumed walking until...
Something like that.
A few
minutes later Ranma nearly killed herself by walking into some nearly
transparent wire that cut her cheek and arms when she walked into it.
A few hours later Shampoo attacked again. Ranma narrowly escaped again
You used the works, "A few," to begin two sentences in a row. You might
want to change that.
snap. She cried out an inhuman battle cry and tuned on Shampoo.
^^^
Does Ranma-chan have TV antenna on her head?
An interesting fic to be sure, but fairly depressing even so. Of course
you said it would be dark.