Some of you may remember this from a while back, still one of my
crowning moments on the FFML. I'm on a posting spree right now cause I
just got back on; don't worry I'll calm down after I get all this stuff
out and start to write again.
Trying Martial arts techniques.
Hello, I'm here to tell you about my personal martial arts training. I
have been an obsessive Manga reader for some time now and some of those
techniques seem to just make sense. I decided to try a couple from the
series Ranma 1/2.
For example...
Katsutenshin amaguriken. [Sweet chestnuts roasting on an open fire.]
This was the first technique I've tried. Simple right? I started with
arguing weather or not it could be done with my martial arts sensei, who,
curiously enough, requested that his name and the name of my school be
omitted. It is a Kempo dojo in the Jacksonville area.
After a few days of intensive punch drilling, just to get up to speed I
decided that I could try. As I expected I burned my hands, but was not
disheartened. I knew that not even Ranma had accomplished this technique
on his first try. After a few days I began to realize that things were
not going well. My hands were constantly sore and I had many blisters and
large burn scars to bandage up for several weeks after.
Finally I concluded that I had not trained enough, I would come back to
this technique after a year or two. That is, when I was fast enough.
So far, Me: 0 Common sense: 1
Bakusai Tenketsu. [Breaking or Blasting point]
This technique required the help of a friend. I found a willing
participant who would swing me into a large rock from a tree. It was
disturbingly easy to do, I didn't even have to convince him. After the
first painful three tries I broke not only my finger but also two ribs
and an arm. Yet another technique that was sadly shelved for lack of
further training. Eventually I had to settle for my friend punching me
around for a few hours a day, until I can take it and try this one again.
Score, Me: 0 Common sense: 2
Hidden weapons techniques.
Basically I went into the kitchen and stuffed every sharp object I could
find into my clothes. I now know this is not wise, sharp things are not
only uncomfortable but make a good deal of noise. They also tend to
restrict your movement. Lets see you try to sit down with a set of steak
knives in your shorts. Lesson learned from this? Don't ever stick a
butcher knife down the front of your pants.
Me: still 0 Common sense: 3
I was getting disheartened by this time, after numerous hospital visits
the insurance company was beginning to grow suspicious. I had to act fast
and get a work-related injury to disguise my work, or lay low and try
some less dangerous stuff. I chose the second option, call me a wuss if
you must but I think you would have too.
Umbrella's, Throwing bandannas, and belt swords.
I learned than no matter how hard you spin your wrist a bandanna will
not spin faster than it will. I almost dislocated the joints with this
one in frustrated attempts to get the bandannas to spin fast enough to
fly and cut stuff. The belt was met with similar results, but I did
manage to perfect my wet towel bathroom whip technique. I can send a fat
kid scurrying across a locker room in a single shot.
Lesson learned this time? Bamboo umbrellas are not only more durable in
anime than in real life, but also allot less expensive.
Another failure Me: 0 Common sense: 4
Hiryu Shouten Ha. [Flying Dragon ascension defeat]
This one was not so easy. It's rather hard to stay calm after pissing
off someone much larger than you and try to lead them into a circle. It's
much more difficult than it looks. My personal soul of ice training was
inadequate.[see Shi shi houkou dan] Chalk up another hospital visit and
yet another failure.
Me: 0 Common sense: 5
Sekai saikiyou [Mark of the gods]
Well this one was an interesting test. I attempted to draw a large
stupid looking face on my stomach and then proceeded to pick a fight.
Unfortunately that wasn't very hard, the guy was still angry over the
Hiryu shouten ha incident. It's not my fault his sister was changing with
her window open! I could barely make out her chest from the tree outside
her window! Honest!
Me: still 0 Common sense: 6
Saotome desperation strikes: Rouga shyou hai tai [fox fist] and Moukou
geki tai [tiger blow]
The technique of distracting your opponent and hitting him while he
isn't looking. These techniques work very well together. Especially when
combined with the Saotome secret technique [See Saotome ryu ougi]
Me: 1 at last! Common sense: 7
Neko ken [Cat fist]
This technique didn't go over very well, it was almost disastrous
actually. I had managed to gather a large number of stray and
neighborhood cats together and tossed them into a pit I dug in my back
yard. Needless to say I didn't feed them. After jumping in and having the
animals all run away from me for several days I realized that I had to be
much younger and smaller for the training to work.
I abandoned the technique after I discovered that neighbors don't like
having their pets kidnapped.
Lesson learned this time?
Animal cruelty fines are expensive, I would have gotten off easier
robbing a bank or killing some one. It's possible even molesting a child
would have gotten me less time and fines.
Me: 1 Common sense: 8
Saotome ryu ougi [Saotome final attack or desperation move.]
The super secret technique of running away until you can think of
something better to do. The only draw back is it requires you to come
back and face your opponent when you do, I recommend distracting yourself
with Sailor moon or some Shojo manga. It will completely rot your brain
and prevent you from thinking at all. When you finally forget about what
your supposed to be thinking of, your obligation ends.
Me: 2 Common sense: 8
Seme ken [Shark fist]
No matter how many different ways you hit the water you cannot make it
into the shape of a shark. I spent six months in a swimming pool with
screaming kids and avoiding warm spots in the water for this.
Lesson learned? Always swim in the winter.
Me: 2 Common sense: 9
Happo dai kairin [Happo fire burst]
The most successful of all the techniques tried. It also almost got me
arrested for blowing up the neighbor hood mailboxes. This is the most fun
of all the techniques, the big scary guy is avoiding me now. [see Hiryu
shouten ha.]
HAPPO DAI KARIN! *BOOM!* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Gotta watch those fuses though, ouch.
Me: 3 Common sense: 9
Shi shi houkou dan [Roaring lion bullet]
This one was difficult. I had to get depressed, I decided to use this
for the 'Soul of ice' training for the Hiryu shouten ha attack as well.
It went something like this...
Unattractive girl: Wow I didn't think you'd ever ask -me- out.
Me: Well, normally I wouldn't. I'm in training you see.
UG: What do you mean?
Me: Well, I have to get depressed. The fastest way I figure doing that
is to let people see me going out with a cow like you and then suffer
through the stale wit of my friends.
UG: What did you call me!? You prick! [Insert loud slapping noise here.]
Me: OK that ought to do it.
As I suspected her friends and my friends made my life a living hell
from that day on.
My own friends by the harsh teasing and hers by the simple vengeful
dirty looks ugly people give to people much more attractive than them.
They wouldn't dare do anything more. Because then they might seem like
mean ugly people and completely shatter any chances of getting a date.
After a few days I was upset enough to try. [My friends were much
crueler than I had anticipated.] Three guesses on what happened.
Me: still 3 Common sense: 10
Mouko Takabishi [Fierce dominating tiger]
Since the Shi shi houkou dan didn't work I had to try for something new.
I figure that since I'm so smug and overconfident...why the hell not?
Moukou Takabishi was next.
Unfortunately I was still down from all these failures and the cow date.
It'll have to wait until I can remind myself how wonderful I am. It could
take a few days cause I'm kind of a prima donna about things like that,
but you tell me I said that and I'll kill you.
Me: 3 Common sense: 11
Kakutou deina [Martial arts gourmet eating] Ofurasosu family style.
Can you say malnutrition? Good, neither can I. I didn't eat for two
weeks over this, they had to revive me with a bag of vitamin supplement
and an IV drip at the hospital. On the plus side I discovered I can touch
the tip of my nose with my tongue, and I lost twenty pounds in just two
weeks! I should use this as a diet plan and sell it to stupid fat people.
Too bad Takahashi-samma owns the rights...
Me: 3 Common sense: 12
Happo go en satsu [Happo five-yen money]
Japanese Yen are pretty hard to come by in the states. So I just drilled
a hole in some US currency and went to town. Unfortunately it didn't work
very well. I couldn't drain anyone no matter how I tried and people were
giving me funny looks for pointing money at them.
I didn't even turn into some super buff dude either, it kinda sucked.
Eventually a bouncer named Tiny kicked me out of the club I had gone to
test my theory. He gave me his number though, I'm not sure if I should be
flattered or frightened. Especially since he somehow got my name and
phone number and won't stop calling.
Me: 3 Common sense: 13
Kakuto Sadou [The way of tea]
This style didn't work out very well. Not only are traditional tea
ceremony props hard to come across in the US, they are also expensive. I
tried a few of the things with the little wooden spoon and bowel but
somehow I couldn't make them into the deadly weapons they should have
been. Besides, so you have any idea how hard it is to walk while sitting
down? My ankles are still killing me. This one was abandoned rather
quickly.
Me: 3 Common sense: 14
Pantsuto ryu sei kiyaku [Pantyhoes dragon power kick] and Hiryu korin
dan [No translation available]
Well, since I can't get a gigantic minotaur to spin me around by a pair
of nylons or a half dragon man to shoot chi balls at me these are pretty
much untested. I did try to hang from a pair of stockings though, they
wouldn't hold my weight and ripped in half. I suppose it's for the best
that I didn't try that one. Still it couldn't hurt that much if it didn't
work.
Final tally? Me: 3 Common sense: 15
That about does it for this list. I know I didn't mention every little
technique but you get the general idea.
Happosai is my new hero and I hope when I get old that I can be a dirty
old man too, just like him. At least I have something to shoot for and a
retirement goal.
Until next time, Ja.
Carrot
C&C to carrotglace@juno.com
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