Jed M Bidwell <Jedediah@tri-countynet.net> wrote:
"Long story," Nabiki replied sardonically. It wasn't really all that
long, but she wasn't in the mood to talk to the airheaded Chinese right
then. "Where's Cologne?"
This is an odd thought from Nabsy. She knows as well as anyone that
Shamps is much more capable than she seems.
Cologne stood in the center of the room, the light from the two bare
bulbs overhead casting her in a garish pool of illumination. She studied
the clipboard in her hands, checking and re-checking the figures. She
frowned at the numbers, they were lower than they should be. Perhaps she
numbers; they
should stop letting Ranma eat for free here.
Actually, there's no evidence in the manga that Ranma eats for free
anywhere other than at the Tendos'.
The door opened behind her, a flash of irritation at the disturbance
surging through her as she turned to the entryway. Shampoo stood there with
a concerned look on her face, the two behind her drawing a curious stare
>from the old woman. Soun Tendo stood in the rear, someone she never expected
to see there. Nabiki, on the other hand, looked a mess. From the way the
Suggest: Soun Tendo, someone she never expected to see there, stood in
the rear.
"No, Ranma did this to me!"
//Well, now! THAT was unexpected.\\ For the first time in years,
Don't think you need the //\\ here.
"I'd say that it's pretty damn obvious!"
"Watch your tone, child," Cologne warned, "I am not fond of
warned. (punctuation)
"Afterward, he began shouting at all of us. After he used some sort
of strange ki attack, that is."
Whose line is this? Soun's?
"Yes, Great-grandmother!" Shampoo turned on her heel and walked out
into the main restaurant like a soldier after recieving marching orders.
receiving
Cologne sighed silently as the girl left. When would she learn that she
wasn't some sort of robot?
Actually, I don't think she's so mindlessly obedient of Cologne.
Ryoga Hibiki had known lonliness and despair before. The seemingly
loneliness
In the pit of depression and anguish, a familiar sensation overcame
him. It was the thought that had always kept him going, always gave him the
always given him the
strength to rise in the morning. It was all Ranma's fault.
The more he told himslef, the more Ryoga began to believe it. Ranma
himself
had *sworn* never to let that out!
Yes, but Ryoga wouldn't know that. Only Bess would, and she wouldn't
have told him. :)
Ryoga rose from the bathwater, tiny rivulets running down his
muscular chest and washboard abs. He toweled off, moving toward the clothes
that Kasumi had been kind enough to leave for him. Even she had been stunned
and revolted, Ryoga felt it as she carried him into the bath. Well, it
revolted; Ryoga had felt
Ranma's glare hit him as soon as he walked in the room, filled to
the brim with fury. The chains wrapped around her body held her immobile,
lengths wrapped around her torso and abdomen that pinned her arms with two
chains crosing between her breasts.
That last sentence needs work; too convoluted. And it's "crossing."
Ranma continued to glare at him, muffled sounds from behind the gag
the only sounds she was capable of making. She began to struggle against her
Suggest 'the only noise' (to avoid the repetition)
bonds, starining for all she was worth to get free. Ryoga had no illusions
straining
"You.... how... DARE YOU!" Ryoga lowered his umbrella, his eyes
meeting hers for a brief second before falling to the floor.
Suggest moving the descriptive sentence to the next paragraph. Otherwise
the mentioning of Ryoga makes it seem like the dialog line is his,
rather than Akane's.
"GET OUT!" Akane scarecely registered the thundering footsteps
scarcely
coming up the stairs from below, her only focus the liar standing in front
of her. "I wish I'd never met you! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! NOW!" Ryoga simply
stood there for a moment before moving toward the window. Without a word, he
slid open the glass and leapt out. Let him get lost, she didn't care!
lost; she
Ukyo descended the stairs to find Cologne waiting in the foyer. She
didn't bother to hide her disgust at the old creature, convinced that she
was the one responsible for Ranma's behaivior.
behavior
"I don't give a rat's ass if you like it or not, you did it!"
"Ukyo, please," Tofu pleaded, "this isn't the time..."
"What, is this some sort of plot to get Ranchan to marry that..."
Ukyo never saw it coming. The blow slammed into her stomach like a
sledgehammer fired from a cannon, sending her flying into one of the walls
with concussive force.
While Cologne might well take action against her under these
circumstances, I don't think she'd need to be so crude about it.
Something like a pressure point to take away Ukyo's voice might be more
appropriate.
//What in the....\\ The rage, the sheer power of it buffeted Cologne
the second she entered the room. She looked into Ranma's sea-blue eyes,
astonished at the unbridled hate she saw in their depths.
She moved over to the bound and gagged girl, thankful for the chains
that kept her immoble. Tofu had shown her the point he used, a spot at the
immobile
She ripped her hand away, panting from exhaustion and fear as the
images slowly faded away. This... she had heard of such a thing, but had
neve actually seen it before! And if memory served, Ranma was in more
never
"Cologne?" Cologne stood there for a moment more, bringing herself
back under control.
Again, the last sentence would be better moved to the next paragraph so
it doesn't look like it's Cologne's line.
Despite the relatively minor problems with characterizations I've
mentioned, it's coming along well. Hope you can come up with an ending
that's as good. :)
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html