A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
Sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
A strange anime romp, in eight or more short acts.
Act VI: Plan Ahead
Jinnai slouched on his throne and watched as his so-called
scientists examined the odd creature known as the Winslow.
The group of large multi-colored bugs surrounding the floating,
grinning balloon-like creature poked and prodded it, spoke to it
in their insect language, examined it from every angle, and
compared notes among themselves.
Nearby, Queen Diva was looking over a stack of scrolls
while leisurely sipping from an ornate cup.
Every empire required a crack team of scientists, as Jinnai
well knew. Science and conquest went hand in hand, and
therefore one of his first acts as Supreme High Commander of
the bugrom armies had been to take best and brightest bugrom
-- those who oversaw the construction of the bugrom hives --
and install them as the core of army intelligence. They were
the brightest minds in the empire, the ones who would dream
up fiendishly clever tools and weapons of destruction. Their
discoveries would lead to the Bugrom Empire into a new age,
as they conquered and dominated El Hazzard.
Overall, Jinnai thought, this particular phase of his plan
had been an unprecedented failure, given that even the
intelligentsia of the bugrom were as brilliant as dirt.
"Enough!" he yelled, waving his hand dismissively. "It's
obvious that you lot will never understand this creature.
Leave!"
The bugrom scientists warbled among themselves then shuffled
slowly out of the throne room.
"Hi!" the Winslow exclaimed. It continued to float in the
air and grin like a deranged hyena.
Perhaps you are wondering how a living balloon creature
could be considered the most dangerous thing in the universe.
Trust me, you are not alone. Given that the Winslow does
nothing but float around and say "Hi!" a lot, many have
wondered how it could be considered anything other than
annoying.
The important part of the equation, which many people
miss, is the knowledge of how other races and cultures view
this creature.
For you see, on some worlds, the Winslow is regarded as
the living embodiment of all that is right and good in the
universe. To them, this creature is their god.
On other worlds, the Winslow is seen as the living
embodiment of all that is wrong and evil in the universe. To
them, this creature is their Satan.
As you might imagine, the appearance of the Winslow in
many parts of the universe can lead to instant and very bloody
intergalactic war. Entire interstellar civilizations have been
reduced to rubble and space dust, simply because this creature
popped in and said, "Hi!"
This is, you must admit, not a good thing.
The Winslow is apparently oblivious to the chaos it causes
-- and to pretty much everything else as well. It does not
apparently age, and cannot be harmed or destroyed. It simply
is.
Lucky for our story, nobody on the world of El Hazzard
has ever heard of it.
Or have they?
"Aha," Queen Diva said. "I thought I'd read about this
thing before. It's mentioned in one of our most ancient texts --
a legend one of the old races brought with them to El Hazzard."
She studied the text for a moment, then gave Jinnai the
complete rundown.
"So," Jinnai said, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "a
weapon of supreme terror that can polarize the masses and
bring empires to their knees." He studied the floating creature
with the goofy grin a moment longer, then sprang to his feet.
"IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S TOTALLY USELESS!" he
screamed. "Take it away from here at once!"
He snatched up the cell phone and began pounding
numbers at random. "Stiff me with a completely inoffensive
weapon of destruction, will she?" he muttered under his breath.
"We'll just see about that! If she thinks she can mess with the
great Jinnai, she is sorely mistaken!"
***
In another part of the bugrom complex, the goddess of the
present was focusing all of her concentration on a jail cell lock.
Belldandy raised her hands and began to chant:
Spirits of iron, of tumblers and locks,
Heed this, my earnest prayer,
Turn and twist, without a key,
And free us from this lair.
A glow surrounded her as she floated up from the stone
floor. The glow passed from her into the keyhole, and she
settled to the ground again.
Shawn smiled, stepped forward, and attempted to shove
the cell door open. He rattled the iron bars, but the door
remained firmly locked.
Belldandy frowned. "It didn't work?" she said.
Keiichi's eyes widened as several small, semi-transparent
creatures climbed out of the keyhole and perched on the top of
the lock.
"Whatcha trying to do?" one of the tiny spirits
complained. "I was sound asleep!"
"You trying to order us around?" another said. "Just who
do you think you are?"
"We ain't opening this lock for nobody," a third said.
"Especially not some high-falutin' dame what we never heard
of."
Keiichi blanched. She looked back at the others. "Did
you hear that?" she asked.
"Hear what?" Jordan replied.
"I didn't hear anything," Marika said. "What were we
supposed to hear?"
"You don't see anything on the lock?"
The four humans shook their heads.
"Well, it seems I'm not fully in tune with the magic and the
spirits of this dimension," Belldandy said. "Perhaps if Urd and
Skuld were here, they could do something about it, but...."
She smiled then shrunk down to the size of a large rat.
"Fortunately," she said, "I'm always in tune with myself." She
glanced at her boyfriend-cum-goddess, and added, "Keiichi,
shall we go exploring?"
Keiichi shrunk herself down, but waved a hand at the
thick wooden door that lead from the dungeon to the hallway
beyond. "At this size, we can slip between the bars," she said,
"but how do we get past that door?"
"Just phase through it, Keiichi," Belldandy said with a
laugh. "You're a goddess, remember? Here, let me show you!"
She grabbed Keiichi's hand and, with one leap, the two shot
through the bars of the cell and passed through the door beyond
as if it were made of mist.
***
A half-hour later, the two goddesses found themselves in a
large cave that housed a number of the airships common to El
Hazzard. They'd explored a large part of the complex without
being seen, and had come to the conclusion that the keys to the
dungeon and jail cell were in the possession of Jinnai himself.
Jinnai was still trying to determine exactly how one dialed
up a goddess, growing more and more frustrated by the minute.
Belldandy and Keiichi had decided to lay low and wait for an
opportunity to snatch the keys, and the cell phone too if they
could manage it. In the meantime, they'd failed to locate
Jordan's Toyota Tercell. This did not bother Keiichi in the
least... she was having too much fun studying airships.
She watched in awe as one of them was guided in and
tethered, then she flew up to the deck of another, in order to
check out the engine and flight controls.
After a few minutes of inspection, she turned to
Belldandy, her face aglow.
"I've never seen anything like this," Keiichi said, "and I
have no idea how they float... but one look at it, and I know
how everything goes together, and how to operate it. I could
disassemble and reassemble the engine, and maybe even
improve the performance, and I'm certain I could fly it easily."
Belldandy's eyes widened. "Really?" she said. "You don't
suppose...."
"Suppose what?"
"I was just thinking of your area of influence," Belldandy
said. "As you know, I'm the goddess of the present, while Urd
is goddess of the past and Skuld the goddess of the future.
Every goddess has an area of influence, so I'm sure you must
have one too."
Keiichi stared at her for a moment. He glanced down at
the airship, and back at Belldandy.
"Are you saying I'm the goddess of vehicles?" she asked.
"It's very possible," Belldandy replied.
"Wow," Keiichi said. "That's... that's kind of neat! If it
only didn't involve being female, I could actually get into
this...."
"There are gods, as well as goddesses," Belldandy said.
"The Almighty would have to agree, of course, but we might
find a way to change you back, but allow you to remain god of
vehicles...."
Keiichi frowned. "I don't want to be a goddess or a god,"
she said. "I just want to be normal old me again."
Belldandy smiled. "I know, Keiichi," she said. "But
remember, if you were a god you would live forever...."
Keiichi glanced back at Belldandy and raised an eyebrow.
"I suppose I'll think about it," she said. She glanced at the
airship again and added, "We can use one of these to escape.
Who needs a Toyota, anyway?"
Belldandy looked uncertain. "That would be stealing,"
she said. "We really shouldn't...."
"We're just borrowing it," Keiichi replied. "We'll be
leaving Jordan's car as collateral, and we'll return it when we're
done."
Belldandy frowned uncertainly. "Well, I suppose...."
"Say, if I'm the goddess of vehicles, I bet I can out-
mechanic Skuld!"
"I'd say almost certainly."
"Heh. Wouldn't she be surprised?"
Moments later, Keiichi cried out and leapt to the back of
the airship. "Look here, Belldandy! This must be the
exhaust!"
"Yes?"
"Well," Keiichi said, "when I first appeared as a goddess,
I came out of the exhaust pipe. So I think that's my transport
medium."
Belldandy nodded her head. "That makes sense," she
said.
"That means I can enter this exhaust pipe, and come out in
our garage, right? Even if we're on another world, in another
dimension?"
"Yes, it does," Belldandy said. "Distance is of no
importance. But Keiichi, we really can't just leave those four
people here on their own! How will they ever get home? Not
to mention that staying with them is your best chance of getting
back to normal."
"Don't worry," Keiichi said. "At the moment, I can't be
separated from Jordan anyway."
"Ah, yes, of course. I forgot."
"I was just thinking that, if we're going to be on this
adventure much longer, I'd like to pop back home and grab one
of my textbooks. I really need to be studying for that midterm.
"So... ah... how do I do this?
***
Back in the cell, Shawn Stacey had made an earth-
shattering discovery.
With a wave of his hand, Shawn was able to summon
forth a cold can of Dr. Pepper.
"All right!" he exclaimed. He popped the can open and
downed it in one gulp, then summoned another. His three
friends stared at him in fascination.
"How did you do that?" Marika asked.
"I don't know. I just wished that I had one, and then...."
A third can appeared in his hands. He popped the top and
took a gulp. "Ah!" he said, then belched loudly. "Life is
good!"
"Dude!" Kit exclaimed, "It's your special power!
Everyone that comes to El Hazzard gets one!"
Marika's eyes shot up. "Hey, that's right! Each of us
should have a new ability of some sort. I wonder what mine
is?"
"Dude, that's trick! Summon a can for me!"
Shawn's eyes bugged out, and he shielded his current can
of pop possessively. "No way!" he exclaimed. "It's my trick,
so it's all mine!"
Kit sighed. "Shawn, come on, man. Don't be a greedy
bastard. You can summon as many as you want."
"You don't know that!" Shawn retorted. "There could be a
limit! I can't take the chance!"
Kit frowned, then began waving his own hands about,
attempting to summon everything from a double skinny latte
with hazelnut to bacon double cheeseburger with a side of
onion rings and dijon mustard. The others would have laughed
at him, if they weren't engrossed in trying to figure out what
their own special talents might be.
***
Back in the bugrom hanger, Keiichi and Belldandy were
once again hiding in one of the airships. Keiichi had already
traveled home and returned with her textbook, as well as an
unwelcome companion.
Urd, elder sister of Belldandy and goddess of the future,
sat on the airship deck, laughing hysterically.
Keiichi watched miserably. "I should have asked you to
go, Belldandy," she said. "It didn't occur to me that she might
see me, and follow me back."
Urd managed to stop laughing just long enough to snap a
few photos.
"Hey!" Keiichi yelled, holding up his hands. "Stop that!"
"Urd," Belldandy said sternly, "that isn't very nice."
"No," Urd said, "but I can't -- haha -- I can't help -- hahaha
-- myself...."
Another fit of uncontrollable laughter seized her, and she
rolled around on the deck of the airship.
Belldandy sighed. "Oh, Urd," she said. Then she glanced
back at Keiichi. "Actually, Keiichi," she said, "you look so
cute as a goddess. It won't hurt to have a few photos to
remember this by, after we've got everything back to normal,
will it?"
"I suppose not," Keiichi said. "But if we have those
around, everyone else is going to find them... Skuld, Megumi,
Tamiya-Sempai...."
"We'll keep them hidden," Belldandy said, then stood up.
"In any case, it's been a couple of hours now. Don't you think
it's time to try and retrieve the keys and phone?"
*To be continued tomorrow*
I should point out that not only are the AMG characters
copyright Kyosuke Fujishima and the El Hazzard characters
copyright Pioneer and whoever else, but The Winslow is
borrowed from the Buck Godot, Zap Gun For Hire universe,
and is thus copyright Phil Foglio. ^_^
For those unfamiliar with Buck Godot, it is a hilarious comic space opera,
as goofy as anything in Ursei Yatsura. I refer you to the studiofoglio
website: http://studiofoglio.com/191/