A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
Sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
A strange anime romp, in seven (now eight) short acts.
Act V: Avoid Evil Megalomaniacs
"I will not listen to your pathetic lies!" Katsuhito Jinnai
declared. "You cannot fool me! I know full well that you were
sent here to spy on me by my devious enemy, Makato
Shizuhara!
Jinnai, flanked by one of the bugrom, who acted as his
personal bodyguard, stared through the bars at the six humans
that he'd imprisoned. He broke into maniacal laughter.
"Ha haHAhaHAhaHAhaHAha! You fools! Makato must
be very worried about my battle plans, to send six spies to the
Bugrom lands! Well, he will not learn the truth until it's too
late! When I have my rival in chains, then will I explain to him
my grand plans, and not before!"
He paused to consider his reflection in a small wall
mirror. He pulled his comb out and ran it through his hair a
few times, then, satisfied, turned back to the group.
"As for your red Toyota, my scientists are inspecting it
now. I will use it as a chariot when we celebrate our victory in
Roshitaria! Ha haHAhaHAhaHAhaHA!"
The six friends -- Kit, Marika, Jordan, Shawn, Keiichi and
Belldandy -- sat on the stone floor of the large cell, listening to
Jinnai as he droned on. Their watches, and the cell phone, had
been confiscated, and rested on a table below the mirror, near
the dungeon entrance. Everyone looked apprehensive except
Belldandy, who was listening intently to Jinnai, and Kit, who
had yet to register that they might be in danger.
"This is so keeewl!" Kit breathed. "Dude, we're really in
El Hazzard! I can't believe it!"
The others glared at him like demons at a minister. "In
case you haven't noticed, airhead," Shawn said icily, "we're
currently being held captive by a megalomaniac and his evil
army of giant bugs."
Kit nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, I should have said
Roshitaria, or Mount Muldoon. But still, isn't this cool? Just
think! We're going to meet the Princess and the three
Priestesses, and Ifurita too! Is that rad or what?"
"Perhaps you don't understand the meaning of the words
'held captive'," Shawn replied. His voice might have frozen
mercury.
"I know, I know, but we just have to escape," Kit replied.
"This is an anime world, and we're the good guys. We'll get
out somehow."
"You will never escape!" Jinnai shot back. "My dungeon
is escape proof! I shall hold you here as bait, to lure Makato
and his band of fools into the land of Bugrom. For you see, I
know his weaknesses well. I will leak the news of your
capture, and he will risk himself to rescue his friends -- just as
any fool would! His weakness will mean my victory!"
"Unless he doesn't know us," Marika growled under her
breath.
"Oh god," Shawn moaned. "I'm going to lose my job for
sure. I'm stuck on an imaginary planet in an imaginary
dimension, and I'm being held captive in an imaginary dungeon
by an imaginary despot...."
"Seems real enough to me," Keiichi muttered.
"...And when I don't report to work on Monday, my life
will be over!" Shawn continued. "And the very worst part of it
is that there's no damned Dr. Pepper on this entire planet!"
Marika rolled her eyes. "You got it, Shawn," she said.
"That's the true tragedy, all right."
"Well it is!"
"And the fact that our only hope of rescue lies in the hand
of a boy who doesn't know we exist is merely a secondary
concern?"
"We're doomed," Jordan moaned.
"Dude, you should have dialed that Clotho babe again
before he got the phone."
"Shut up, Kit!"
Jinnai raised an eyebrow. "Something special about the
phone?" he asked. "We'll just see about that." He picked it up
and inspected it for several moments.
"It's just an ordinarily cell phone," he said, setting it down
again. "You won't be reporting back to headquarters with this
useless device. You may not realize it, but there is no cell
phone service on this world."
The bugrom picked the phone up and began playing with
it.
"Put it down, Homer," Jinnai barked. When the bugrom
paused and pointed to itself, Jinnai added, "Damn right I'm
talking to you! Did you not just hear what I said? It's a useless
piece of junk!"
The bugrom mumbled something in insect, punched a few
more buttons, and then shrugged and laid the device on the
table.
A white mist began pouring out of the mirror.
Shawn began to laugh hysterically. "Of course!" he
exclaimed. "It's an anime world! What else could we expect?
The mirror's on the wall for this very reason!"
For the third time in six hours, Clotho appeared before
them.
"Greetings from the Goddess Emergency Relief Agency,"
she said, bowing. "I am here to grant your wish." Then she
glanced about and added, "By the way, who dialed the
number? Nobody was on the line when I answered the call."
From the other side of the bars, four voices yelled in
unison: "I did!"
Clotho regarded them with veiled distrust. "You people
again?" She glanced at the desk where the cell phone lay, and
back to the bars that separated it from the travel companions.
"I hardly think any of you were in position to make the call this
time," she said, arching her eyebrows.
"I was the one that dialed," Jinnai said with authority.
Clotho looked the strange man up and down. "I'm pretty
certain you're not the sort of person we usually give wishes to,"
she said dubiously.
"It was the bug," Shawn said. "The bug dialed the
number." The other five nodded in agreement, much to Jinnai's
chagrin.
"Oh?" Clotho turned to the bugrom, who was watching
her in confusion. "Did you dial the number, then?"
The bugrom replied.
"Yes, yes, it's true," Jinnai said, "but as his commanding
officer, the wish falls to me."
"It doesn't work that way," the goddess said dismissively.
As Jinnai's face turned red with rage, she took the bugrom's
appendage. "So what is your heart's desire, little one?" she
asked sweetly.
The bugrom began to speak.
"No!" Jinnai yelled, interrupting. "That's a lie! You do
not want all the honeycomb you can eat! Listen to me
carefully, and repeat after me: I, Homer, wish for the most
lethal weapon in the known universe!"
Clotho audibly blinked.
"Her eyes are actually making those squelchy noises,"
Marika said.
"Yeah," Jordan said. "I noticed."
"I can only grant the bugrom his heart's desire," Clotho
said. "I can not grant you your wish, nor can I let you interfere
with the wish-making process."
"SAY IT!" Jinnai shouted.
The bugrom looked at Jinnai, then Clotho, then Jinnai
again.
Jinnai sighed.
"Do as I say, and you will receive two full honeycomb
every day for a year," he said calmly.
The bugrom turned and said something to Clotho.
"Yes!" Jinnai crowed. "Excellent, Homer! You shall be
well rewarded!"
"Are you sure that's your heart's desire?" the goddess
asked. The bugrom nodded enthusiastically.
"Oh dear," Belldandy said. "I'm beginning to see why
everything's such a mess."
Meanwhile, Clotho was performing a maneuver that was
quickly becoming familiar to the group. Her feet left the
ground as she held her hands out and turned her face
heavenward. Thunder rolled, and the lights in the room
seemed to dim. A beam of light shot from her forehead and up
through the roof.
And then it was over.
"Your wish has been granted," Clotho said. "Now, I'm
really very busy, so...."
She vanished into the mirror.
"Hey! Come back here!" Jinnai yelled. "Where is my
weapon of mass destruction?"
"Oh, my goodness!" Belldandy said. "I think that's it
floating behind you!"
Jinnai spun around eagerly, hands ready to embrace his
new toy. But what he saw did not in any way resemble a
weapon, or a secret high-tech device, or even a humanoid being
such as Ifurita. What it most resembled was a balloon lizard
with a perpetually goofy grin. It had a round body, four round,
balloon-like appendages a tail, and a head.
"Hi!" it exclaimed. The balloon mouth did not move a
muscle, nor did the silly expression change in the least.
Jinnai's face grew purple with anger. "That incompetent
deity!" he growled. "What is this? She's double-crossed me!"
"Well, after all," Marika said, "you cheated her first."
"But she hasn't cheated you," Belldandy said brightly.
"This creature is the Winslow. It's widely held to be the most
dangerous thing in the universe."
Jinnai raised an eyebrow, then studied the floating balloon
creature carefully.
"What does it do?" he asked, rubbing his chin.
"Well," Belldandy said, "I don't actually know. I've just
heard stories."
"Hi!" the Winslow called out again, grinning like a
demented demon.
Jinnai ground his teeth together.
"Very well!" he said. "I shall have my scientists look at it.
In the meantime," he said, snatching up the phone, "perhaps I
can summon a goddess to grant me a wish, as well."
He glared at the group once more, and added, "For your
sake, you'd better hope Makato comes soon, before my trap is
fully laid."
He broke out again into hysterical laughter, which could
still be heard long after he and his bugrom guard had locked
the dungeon door and headed further into the complex.
After a minute or two had passed, Kit said, "Okay, dudes
and dudettes. How are we going to escape from here?"
Keiichi sighed, and got to her feet. "You forget," she said,
"that we have a goddess on our side. Not counting myself, of
course...."
*To be continued tomorrow*
I should point out that not only are the AMG characters
copyright Kyosuke Fujishima and the El Hazzard characters
copyright Pioneer and whoever else, but The Winslow is
borrowed from the Buck Godot, Zap Gun For Hire universe,
and is thus copyright Phil Foglio. ^_^