On Sun, 02 Jan 2000 02:57:59 -0500 Matthew Lewis <maybeso@home.com> wrote:
At 08:08 PM 12/31/99 -0500, Hayashi wrote:
I am cutting out the grammar comments because they are not necessary
for me to reply to, although they are appreciated and will be
incorporated.
and most nourishing of riches which never emptied. Never for one
I'm going to assume you meant to say 'rices' or 'rice' instead of
'riches.' This is the reason I disdain the use of spellcheckers--
they don't find homonyms or mistakes of this sort (typos), and if
I'm not absolutely sure of the spelling of a word, well, I've
got my trusty Chambers Dictionary. ^_^
I like my Oxford's Concise, myself. (-:
Genma placed the empty glass carefully on the tray and looked
up at his audience to once again continue his tale. "He cried, of
course. Tears streamed out of his eyes, and down his face, and they
fell onto the floor, spattering and gushing out obscenely in the
Land of No Tears.
I like the use of the word, 'obscenely.'
I thought it added to the Saotome view of crying and of tears. It
meshes with their difficulty in crying, at any rate.
Genma sighed. "There really isn't much left to tell. Ichijin
wandered around Japan for a little longer, helping the poor with
money from what he received from Aisai and food from the magical
sack. Because of his deeds, which brought him to the notice of the
Court, he was allowed a last name: he chose Saotome, in honour of
Aisai. Finally settled down in a place that was not too
disagreeable with him. Eventually, he married again, because it was
expected of a young, rich man with a family name and you did what
was expected of you, and his wife-- whom he did not love but liked
well enough --gave him the one thing that Aisai did not: an heir,
which is where we are descended from."
This brings me to a point which also reflects later on in the story.
The lack of an heir by Aisai, as well as the not aging-- why? Combine
it with the saying of Shampoo's (no tears, no laughter, no life), which
I think should be brought up earlier in the fic, so it can resonate more
in it, is it a land of the living? The dispossessed, or something? Some
more interaction with those who people the Land of No Tears might be called
for. Then again, maybe I'm the only one who thinks so. It is a theme to
be brought up (like, why the populating of the land from so many disparate
cultures?).
I had not thought of that-- that the Land of No Tears might also be
called the Land of the Dead-- at least not at this point. By the time of
Ukyo's fading I think I was starting to get that idea, but did not really
develop it. To me it was more of a land that time forgot, or a kind of
Shangri-La. I did mean to put something in with the populace, however,
and you are on the right track with calling them 'dispossessed' in a
sense. I'm not sure I want to write it in, anymore, because it might
detract from the story rather than enhance it, by distracting the
reader. What do you think?
"A most strange and potent work, it transformed the tear into a
diamond, to last until it was needed no more. The spell insured
that we would always have at least one child be a son, to pass it
along to the next generation."
I'll assume that she still has the diamond, since we never see it, and
that in the next generation the cycle will still continue. Hrm-- might be
interesting to take a brief look at what happens then-- a flash forward
into the future. A post-epilogue, of sorts, maybe?
Might want to mention it again, when we see her, because otherwise
this passage is (somewhat) wasted.
Again, one of the things I meant to do, but it got waylaid. I may just
take the reference of turning the tear into a diamond out, and say that
the spell was cast using the tear (although crystalizing the tear into
a diamond would provide a continuous link to the Saotome's, but then I'm
starting to get into the mechanics of magic, which is an absurd notion,
if you stop to think about it).
"To cry," Genma said. "Tears, real tears do not come easily to
Saotome men-- I think it is because of the magic of the spell, and
each generation it becomes harder and harder. The tsubo point
Happousai used would be useless, that place would know the
difference. Forcing him away from his mother, the Neko-ken, other
things-- designed not only to make him a better martial artist, but
also to learn tears. Instead, it only made him harder-- tougher,
less likely to cry.
Henh. A somewhat more faithful interpretation of Genma than that of many.
Still somewhat foolish, with his attempts to help Ranma to learn tears,
yet he does have his sons interests in mind, and of course his plans
backfire.
I like this-- not something you often see, and it is quite
refreshing.
And not really all that hard to do. It was my intent to show that Genma
did not have to be pure evil to act the way he has acted and that he
might in fact have a higher purpose to his actions.
This did not go over well with the trio of fiancees. The least
extreme action was a frown, held by Akane. The most was somewhat
more threatening. Shampoo became their spokeswoman through force of
will-- she spoke, and said what was on all their minds. "Where
Isn't the phrase normally "through sheer force of will"?
So it is, so it is. I must have been in a rush.
Shampoo nodded vigorously. "My plan very simple, anyway. Old
saying, 'If you cannot weep, you cannot laugh, and if you cannot
laugh, you cannot live.' Will make Ranma live, that's all.."
I commented on this statement before, and how I would like to see
it mentioned earlier, so it has more time to get layered.
I recalled the phrase just as I was writing this part, really. Maybe
if I made it an epigram or something, because I find it difficult how
to work it in any earlier.
Akane nodded, held out her pinkie finger as well, to pinkie
promise and said, "To rescue that fool."
Going to rescue/help Ranma, all the while protesting it ^_^
Yup! Sounds about right. I like that in this story, it's a
reversal of the roles, with Ranma being the one getting
kidnapped and rescued... although one may wonder if he wants
rescuing, yes? :)
The reversal of who gets rescued and who does the rescuing
played a big part in my mind when I came up with the story
idea.
"Do you remember," Ukyo suddenly began as she turned to Ranma,
"the fun we used to have when we were little?" She was smiling,
just a little, anxious to see Ranma's reaction, to see if he still
remembered. After a moment of intense concentration, he nodded,
grinning. She sighed with relief, a breath she did not know she was
holding escaped.
"Yeah, like the time we got rid of the Gambling King? Those
were fun days, Ucchan," he reminisced, shifting to a more upright
position.
Ukyo's eyes were hooded, and her face a careful and serious
blank when she said, "I was thinking of other times, Ranma. A boy,
a girl, though the boy didn't know she was one, then. You, me, your
father. A promise that was made. A promise that was broken. And the
boy, his father, left without the girl, without me, even though she
was supposed to go, too. And so the girl, me, I was left there,
alone. Everyone around me, the whispers, the rumours, the snide
comments behind my back when they thought I couldn't hear. That
little girl heard." Akane's eyes were bulging out, waving franticly
and trying to catch Ukyo's attention, to no avail. Ukyo continued
on her tale, as inexorable as death.
"And she was alone, so terribly alone, without the boy, without
you, like it was promised, like it was supposed to be." Ukyo
watched Ranma intently now, examining his face for any sign of
weakening; but instead she only found confusion. "So the girl, to
stop all the names, all the rumours, all the pain, decided to
become a boy, forevermore.
Well, I don't see Ukyo as normally talking like this, but then again
she does want to make it sound more dramatic or pitiable or story-like,
and she could have been practicing her speech during the night. ^_^
I was hoping people would see it like that.
All in all an enjoyable fic. I like the way you layered some things.
Thank you!
Clearly now I tell you man
That all I say is all I can
For I am nothing but my sin
Until I learn to caste them in
--Crystal Wrists, Peter Murphy