On Mon, 3 Jan 2000 18:45:22 -0800 (PST) Lucres Annuiteas <master_l_@yahoo.com> wrote:
Well, the beginning was a little slow, but things
picked up and the story became more involving and more
interesting. The 'Genma: Super Narrator' thing was
I think the slowness was unavoidable, really. While
it might put some people off of the story, I do believe
it was needed to set the tone for it.
nice and quite enjoyable. I also liked the whole
fairytale atmosphere of the fic.
It was an atmosphere I was trying to go for-- I'm glad it
worked. There is a power to fairytales which we tend to
forget as we get older.
As to Genma: Super Narrator, well I just thought that...
...there are two ways to look at it: 1. Genma is a lying
scumbag, but he's an effective lying scumbag, meaning
people believe him, and that would probably transfer well into
any storytelling skills, because a lie is just a story, after
all.
2. (non-bashing way) Well, he's got to have some talents, right?
Actually, I just thought he'd be good to tell the story,
and it was a good way to mot-bash him, and give an explanation
for some of his past actions.
Ranma's fiancees agreeing to the proposed truce seemed
a little too short and not a little contrived, though.
Shampoo is gets angry at Kodachi's implying that she's
'lowly' one moment and the next moment she's
suggesting they not fight anymore. Maybe you could
draw out the conversation a little more and show a
little more hesitation on the fiancees' part to make
it more believable.
Good idea-- it did not even occur to me. I was just thinking
that with Ranma gone, it would be possible for them to
co-operate to get him back (they have shown rare instances
of co-operating in the past, I think, haven't they?)
The descriptions of the Land of No Tears are good, and
the story only becomes more intriguing.
I'm not sure if I missed it or something, but why does
Ranma tell his entire life's story to Ten'imuhou, a
stranger in an unfamiliar place? If he trusts her with
this information, why doesn't he inquire about why
he's there? Even if his blood knows, I don't think he
does. I understand he forgets about the 'outside
world' later on, but what about here?
I should be a bit clearer here, I think. I will rewrite
it to be a bit clearer why, as well as making it seem
that he's not doing it at the drop of a hat.
Just a note, but you seem to use 'an' before words
beginning with the letter 'h'. They should be 'a'.
Oddly enough, my grammar-checker never picked that up.
It used to be, at any rate, a rule of syntax to use
'an' instead of 'a' before words beginning with either
vowels or the letter 'h'. I will have to decide on a
case by case basis, I guess.
When you describe Akane in her kimono, you might want
to include the description of the actual kimono
itself, instead of putting with the description of
Ukyou's.
The main reason for that was because I did not want to
get bogged down in the descriptions, slowing the pace
even moreso. I will do something about that.
The ending was somewhat predictable, but it was still
very satisfying and all in all a nice finish. (My
thoughts are the same for the Epilogue.)
Thanks! ^_^
About its predicability: one knows the endings to
fairytales... I think that is part of their strength. The
inexorableness of one of the tales certainly drew me
(and still does, from time to time) back, again and again.
Still, I almost had Ranma stay with Ten, anyway. At the
last minute I switched my mind again and made him go back.
The story and the writing as a whole were pretty good
and overall enjoyable all throughout. When I saw the
beginning, I thought it might be much longer, but I
guess I was wrong.
Thank you very much!
As to it being somewhat shorter than your initial
expectations, I am not sure whether that is a good thing
or a bad thing, but I want to thank you for your comments,
they are very useful.
Clearly now I tell you man
That all I say is all I can
For I am nothing but my sin
Until I learn to caste them in
--Crystal Wrists, Peter Murphy