My comments are in square [ ] brackets.
[I think you have a good one going here, Cinda. There are a few minor
problems with the ASCII formatting (look whose talking) and one or two
other minor nits to pick, but I think you have a good yarn working thus
far. I would suggest you keep right on posting rather than striving for
perfection on the first pass. I'll do what I can to help you improve it
and I am sure there are others that will do the same.]
Far off in a mountain shrine sounds of mourning could be heard. That
most
of the sobs were torn out of the throat of a four year old boy didn't
make
them any less heart wrenching. A tall man dressed in a dark business
suit
looked down at the boy in sympathy then walked into the main bed
chamber.
The sole occupant of this room was a white haired older woman whose face
was wrinkled with time.
"Ah Mister Tanimura how good to see you."
"Mrs Masikawa it is with deepest sympathies that I see you."
The older woman waved his silken words away.
"Oh stop that. I am only dying.
It's the living that need your sympathies Tanimura not I. Have you
found
him?"
[Need a comma between "haired" and "older." Given that you are using the
Japanese formulations for names, I suggest using the hyphenated "san" on
the end of the family names for the sake of consistency, rather than the
English honorifics of Mr. and Mrs.]
The lawyer nodded putting his attache on the floor and opening it
withdrawing some documents.
[Need a comma between "nodded" and "putting." I suggest you consider
rewording the sentence altogether.]
"Yes. We've found him. The courier is already on his way to send him
the letter. I should see him by Saturday."
[You could improve your diction here by using "deliver" instead of
"send." The letter has been sent by courier. The courier is in the
process of delivering it.]
"And have all the other arrangements been made?"
"Hai."
The elder Masikawa sighed and closed her eyes momentarily.
[Is there a younger Masikawa in the scene? Your use of the phrase,
"elder Masikawa," suggests to the reader that there is such a person in
the scene. If there is not another Masikawa in the scene, I suggest
using "elderly rather than "elder."]
"Good. Good...it's all coming together. Hopefully soon my great
grandson will have nothing to worry about."
She opened her eyes with a snap. "Now I am sure you have some
documents for me to sign."
Tanimura nodded fishing a pen out of a pocket and handing it to the
woman.
"Yes. Please sign here." He indicated a spot. She signed. He
flipped some papers over; "And sign here." This went on for a few
minutes. He double checked all the documents making sure she had signed
everywhere she was suppose to.
"I think that concludes our business as of now Mrs Masikawa."
[This is just an FYI. You need only take heed of if you want to go for
an extra touch of realism. Most Japanese use what is called a "chop,"
rather than a signature. This is just a small seal registered with the
government as the individual's personal mark. They use very little
romanji and a signature in kanji is not always that conclusive insofar
as proof of agreement.]
Masikawa Reiko smiled softly then began to cough. The wave of
coughing carried her till tears filled her eyes, spilled down her
checks, and she wondered desperately if she would ever be able to draw
in another breathe. She fell back on the futon weakly gasping for air.
When she felt she could speak she whispered hoarsely, "Good day Mister
Tanimura. I think we've concluded our business. It's been nice working
with you."
The lawyer bowed out of respect and left the room. Reiko lay on her
futon listening to the sounds of the birds out in the forest, the wind
as it rippled through the trees, and the silence of the house as it
stood waiting for her end to come. She thought about her daughter and
her granddaughter; of their beauty and their warmth of their innocence.
It was time for the cycle to start again.
"Obaasan?"
Reiko blinked and turned her head to the small voice that was next to
her. She looked up into large blue-grey eyes that were awash with unshed
tears.
"My joy." She mummered and held out a hand to the boy. The four year
old didn't know exactly what was going on. All he knew was that his
mother had gone away a few months ago and now his grand mother was going
away too.
[It is preferable to avoid the use of contractions in the narrative. Use
"did not" rather than "didn't." The word "murmur" is mispelled.]
"Don't you worry, my boy. Don't you worry. I've made all the
arrangements. You'll be well taken care of."
"Where you going Obassan?"
Reiko sighed and closed her eyes feeling the peace flood over her
again. Life was worth living but she had lived her's. Her only regret
was leaving the boy behind. Her only hope was that his father was as
kind, noble, and good spirited as he had been four years ago. For Lyr
was the only one left now of their clan and his destiny was already
written. Just as her's had been and her daughters and her grand
daughters.
It was time for the cycle to start again.
"I am going to join your mother Lyr. And we shall watch over you and
protect you as best we can."
[The little boy's name will be very nearly impossible for a native
speaker of Japanese to pronounce. Again, this is just an FYI--do what
you will about it.]
At the mention of his mother, Lyr collapsed next to his
great-grandmother and began to cry with uncontrollable grief.
"It will be alright Lyr. You'll see. I promise you it will be
alright."
[Use "all right," rather than "alright." "Alright" has not quite made it
into the dictionary. I suspect it will eventually, but it ain't there
yet.]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Shadow Moon Productions Presents
A Ranma 1/2 fan fiction.
Promises
By
Perotessa Detwieler
Chapter One
Saotome Ranma of the Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu once again glanced at the
letter held in his hand.
[Here we have a technical issue and I may well have this wrong, but I
believe it should be the "Saotome Ryu of Musabetsu Kakuto Do," or more
likely, "Jutsu" rather than "Do," given that it is an "anything goes"
style of fighting. Also I think "ryu" with a short "u" is for schools
and "ryuu" with the long "uu" means dragon.]
It read (for the most part)
"Please come to 12134 Neima Plaza Downtown Tokyo at 16:15 pm so that
we may finish our business."
Signed
Tanimura Miskiro
[We have a problem with Tanimura-san's first name. There is no "ski"
sound in Japanese. What you hear as a "ski" sound is actually "suki."
They often fail to pronounce the "u" in "suki." I would suggest using
"Ichiro" or "Jiro" rather than "Misukiro." Misu means water...I take it
back. Misukiro might be perfect, given that this is a Ranma1/2 yarn.]
Ranma frowned. He didn't remember any Tanimura Miskiro that he had
fought either recently or in the past. Either way a challenge was a
challenge and he wasn't about to back down from someone who was foolish
enough to send him a challenge letter.
[This is a narrative passage. Use "did not" rather than "didn't."]
He walked down the very busy sidewalk then looked up to a huge
skyscraper that was labeled 12134 Neima Plaza. This couldn't be right!
No way would the guy be dumb enough to fight in this place. Something
had to be going on.
Shrugging he opened the door and went inside. There was a huge
reception desk with five women sitting at it with headphones on. They
looked very classy to his eye and gave him the creeps. Not that he would
ever admit it. Hesitantly he went over to the desk and asked.
"Uhm...excuse me. Can you tell me where Tanimura Miskiro is?"
The office girl in front of him smiled. "He's on the 18th floor.
Tanimura, Misako, Aegen and associates."
[Associates should be capitalized. I'm not sure about the name Aegen.
One hardly ever sees the particular vowel combination in Japanese
names.]
Ranma blinked. <'Associates?'> What the heck was going on here.
[I know it is not the usual convention on FFML, but it is not necessary
to bracket or othewise mark a character's thoughts. Treat it as
narrative.]
"Uhm. Thanks." <'I think'>
["Uhm" should be followed with a comma or ellipsis rather than a
period.]
He wandered off to the elevators, pushed the button and waited for
the doors to open. He looked at the letter again just to make sure that
this was the right place. The doors chimed open. Shaking his head he
entered the lift and pushed the 18th floor button.
[Given that this might well be Ranma's first visit to a large office
building you should do one of two things. Place the POV in Ranma and
describe in detail his impressions, or do a whole lot let less fiddling
about with the elevators. You could easily cut the above paragraph
without hurting the story one wit.]
The elevator opened to a hallway and a huge frost glass wall that
proudly announced the offices of Tanimura, Misako, Aegen and Associates
Legal Office. Ranma suddenly had a BAD feeling about this whole thing.
Drawing up all the confidence he had, he walked into the office and was
again confronted with a reception desk. The receptionist gave him a very
effective if insincere smile.
[I would use "wall of frosted glass" rather than "frost glass." "Legal"
and "Office" need not be capitalized. The last sentence is either a
violation of POV, or a contradiction of thought in Ranma's mind. He
either considers the smile effective or insincere, not both. The only
way it works out is if the author is reading the receptionist's mind for
him. FWIW, I catch myself making this same mistake all the time.]
"Hello. How may I help you?"
"I am...uhm...Saotome Ranma. I am here to see Tanimura Miskiro."
"Oh yes! Mister Saotome! Yes he's expecting you. I'll take you to his
office."
She pushed a couple of buttons that he couldn't see, took off her
headphones and then lead him down the hallway to a huge cherywood
colored door. She knocked twice then entered. Cautiously Ranma entered
after her.
[Given that these are legal offices in downtown Tokyo, the door is
almost certainly made of cherry so use "cherrywood," rather than
"cherywood colored."]
Tanimura Miskiro, also known as the lawyer for the Masikawa Clan
looked up
at the firm's receptionist.
"Mister Tanimura your 16:15 is here to see you."
[This is a poorly handled and disorienting change in POV. The change in
POV is obviously necessary though, so I suggest having the receptionist
knocking twice, then leap into Tanimura-san's office by writing: "Inside
the office Tanimura looked up and said, "Come in!"
This way the reader has time to shift gears and does not loose track of
whose eyes he is watching the story unfold.]
He nodded and watched at a young and clearly uncomfortable young man
came into the office. <'Well, he's not exactly what I was expecting.'>
He thought to himself.
The young man's hair was an unruly mop that fell into his eyes; it
was long the end tied up into a braid that could be seen over his
shoulder.
[You have spliced two sentences together with a semicolon. I suggest
reworking it.]
He was tall and slim apparently taking good care of himself.
[We need a comma after the word "slim." I would also suggest "obviously
in sound physical condtion" or some other such descriptive passage. In
fact, this is a golden opportunity to look at Ranma through a new pair
of eyes. Why not take advantage of the opportunity. Give us a better
idea of Tanimura-san's impressions.]
If the reports were true he was also a martial artist. He didn't know
how well that would fit into the Late Masikawa's plans though. Not that
it was any of his concern. Sighing he looked up into the young man- no.
Ranma's eyes and tried to surpress a shudder. They were the exact same
shade.
Steeling himself he rose from behind his desk and gestured toward a
chair.
"Welcome Mister Saotome. Please have a seat. Would you like anything
to
drink? Coffee? Tea?"
[FYI, the offer is almost certainly going to be for tea or a cocktail.
As I understand it, coffee pots are not commonly found in Japanese
offices unless the firm is of gaijin origin and is being run by a
resident gaijin. OTOH, Ranma is a little young to offer hard liquor so
Tanimua-san would almost certainly limit the offer to green tea, or
"o-cha."]
Ranma shook his head a bit dazzled.
[This is a violation of current POV. Have Tanimura-san describe Ranma's
apparent condition. We are currently riding around in Tanimura-san's
head, not Ranma's. A quick and dirty fix would be to write: The boy
shook his head, looking a bit dazzled by his surroundings. BTW: If you
elect to stick with this POV jump, you need to add a comma after the
word "head."]
"Thank you Miko that will be all. You may bring "Him" in about ten
minutes."
["Him" need not be capitalized.]
The receptionist nodded and left the room closing the door with
hardly a sound.
"Now Mister Saotome as to the reason why you're here-"
[When interrupting one character's dialogue with the dialogue of
another character it is generally better to use an ellipsis "..." rather
than an en-dash or em-dash. Either or both look too much like a broken
hyphenation.]
Ranma interrupted "You're Tanimura Misako?" his tone clearly puzzled.
[FWIW, I have hell punctuating dialogue. Gary Kleppe can help you a
great deal with it and here a while back he posted and excellent little
monograph on the subject. If we ask nicely, we might persuade him to
post it again. For my part, I would play it safe and re-arrange the
above sentence as follows:
"You're Tanimura Misako?" Ranma asked, interrupting the older man.]
The lawyer nodded his features schooled into an unreadable mask.
[Given that we here need to be in Tanimura-san's POV, it would be better
to say "...being careful to make his features an unreadable mask." BTW:
Japanese wear a constant smile during all formal occasions, even if
wracked by nearly unbearable emotions.]
"You sent me this?" Ranma tossed the now crumpled letter onto
Tanimura's
desk. The older man smoothed out the paper, glanced at it, then nodded.
"Yes I sent you this."
"Why?!"
Tanimura sighed settling back into his chair.
[You need to add a comma after the word "sighed," or better yet, use the
conjunction "and," this way:
Tanimura sighed and settled back into his chair.]
"Mister Saotome do you remember the Masikawa Shrine in the Kagmura
mountains?"
[Need a comma after Saotome. You will need to work on another name for
the mountain chain. Consonantes in Japanese are always separated by at
least one vowel.]
All the color drained from Ranma's face and he looked like he had
just been sucker punched.
[I would split this into two seperate sentences, getting rid of the
conjunction. Also, use "as though" instead of "like." You might also be
well advised to describe it from Tanimura's perspective. Here is some
advice I have found useful. The process of writing is greatly simplified
if you will pick a character for any given scene and describe that
entire scene from that single character's perspective. Not only does the
effort of writing become simpler, it reads much better once you are
done. Writing from the omniscient POV can be useful from time to time,
but on the whole it is much more difficult to handle effectively. In any
case, once you have chosen a POV, stick with it thoughout the entire
scene. Changing POV several times during a scene is almost certain to
force the reader to re-read passages, or to become totally lost and stop
reading in disgust. Hardly what one would call good aesthetic control of
one's work.]
"Ah...I see you do. I am the retained lawyer of the Masikawa family.
It is my sad duty to inform you that both elder Masikawa, and the woman
you knew as Masikawa Roshio, have passed on."
Ranma's eyes slid closed. A very faint trembling could be seen
wracking his body.
"How? When?"
"The Elder Masikawa died no more than a week ago. The younger,
Roshio,
died almost nine months ago."
[Here you are using the word "Elder" as a title, in which case it should
be capitalized here and at the very beginning of the story. It helps
when using words like "Elder" as a title, to preface it with the word
"the," as in The Elder, Masikawa. Once you have done this a couple of
times early on in the story you can become less formal with it as the
reader shortly comes to understand that "Elder" is a title.]
The young man's head fell forward; Tanimura couldn't see his eyes
because of the fall of his fringe.
"Why are you telling me this now? Why...?"
"It was Masikawa Reiko's wish that you know. She also wanted.....no.
She needed you to take care of...a certain family obligation."
Ranma looked up, his eyes serious, cold, and deadly.
Tanimura suddenly had the impression that not many people saw this
side of
Saotome Ranma and that that was a good thing.
[Now here is a good example of why this scene needs to be described from
Tanimura's perspective. Ranma's reactions to the news Tanimura has is
very important to the story, is it not? Tanimura is the only other
person in the room. Describing the entire scene from his perspective
gives Ranma's reactions far more impact. You needn't worry about
revealing everything you and Tanimura knows just because you are using
his POV. It does not necessarily follow that a momentary stay in
character's POV should reveal to the reader everything that character
knows at that point of the story.]
"What sort of 'Obligation'?"
There was a knock on the door and then it was silently opened.
"Come on, Dear. It will be ok." The receptionist again.
[Most editors will bitch you out for using "Ok, or "OK." Almost all of
them insist upon the use of "Okay, " or "okay." This is a strange
neologism that came into common usage during the early days of NASA's
Mercury Program and orginally was "A-OK." I do not presume to know what
this peculiar acronym stood for at the time, but in common usage came to
be "okay," rather than, "A-OK." Yes, I am something of a harmless
drudge. BTW: There are now three people in the room with a fourth about
to enter. I suggest using the following for the dialogue because I had
to read twice to verify who was speaking:
"Come on in, dear, " the receptionist said. "It will be okay."]
Slowly Ranma turned around and looked at her and the person that was
with her.
[I would transpose Ranma and slowly. Your call.]
He flinched as if struck and felt his world crumble all around him.
[This last sentence constitutes an unwarranted and disorienting change
in POV. It is easily corrected by adding a couple of words. An example:
Tanimura watched as Ramna flinched. Horror claimed the boys face as his
previous existence crumbled into tiny little pieces. Hell of shock for a
seventeen year old boy, Tanimura thought to himself. His life is never
going to be the same.
You do have to write a little more, but it has more impact and avoids
confusion. Constant, unremitting use of the omnipotent POV tends to haze
the readers mind and he is never entirely sure of what is going on.
Useful for horror pieces if done correctly and very good for mystery
stories if used in places, but it is almost never a good way to tell the
entirety of a long piece.]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Tendo Kasumi was busy at work in the kitchen starting dinner for her
family. Well her family and the two martial artists that had dropped in
about two years ago. Genma and Ranma for all their posturing, bluster,
and arrogance were very nice people. Once you got past their barriers
and got to know them.
This was something that she was sure her father knew and why he
tolerated their behavior. It was also something she herself had
witnessed time and time again especially on Ranma's part. If one could
get past those barriers, he had put up to protect himself, they would
find a person who desperately wanted someone to talk to and to share
with. Who would battle to his last breathe to keep those he cared for
safe. Who would kill if it was asked of him. She knew that the insanity
of the past two years had to be getting to him.
[Okay, the POV for this scene is now set where? In the mind of Kasumi
Tendo! We hear what Kasumi hears. We see what Kasumi sees, and the
author is in an excellent position to tell us what she wants us to know
by having Kasumi think it. Neat, huh? BTW: I would drop the comma after
the word "barriers." The comma after the word "himself" successfully
denotes the clause without additonal help.]
Her younger sister Akane, Ranma's iinazuke, had stormed home after
school today slamming doors and boiling mad. When asked why she was so
mad, Akane told Kasumi about the challenge letter that had arrived for
Ranma just before the end of school. Of course the idiot just HAD to go
answer it. He was such a jerk! A macho jerk! And with that Akane had
stomped off. Kasumi was glad that Nabiki had "bought" another truck load
of cinderblocks. She had the strangest feeling that there was going to
be a lot of cleaning up to do later.
[Rather than using this complex, narrative paragraph in flashback, I
would describe the action in "real time" through Kasumi's eyes . I would
also use dialogue to do much of the work rather than descriptive
narrative. It would read much better I think. Once Akane disappears
upstairs, you can have Kasumi resume working on supper just as you
already have, then have Ranma and his newly found son arrive home. The
story would flow much better and provide the reader with a much richer,
far more realistic experience. Sequence is more important to this part
of the story than the actual durations of the activities taking place in
this scene. In other words, concern yourself with sequence of events,
not how long each event lasted.]
She finished chopping up some vegetables and put them into the soup
she was making.
"I am home." said a very weary, and familiar voice.
Kasumi exited the kitchen and went to the foyer to greet Ranma.
"Welcome home Ranma." She said smiling. Of course she was smiling
this was Kasumi afterall.
[The second sentence is jarring and is at one and the same time, a gross
violation of POV. Fortunately, the fix is quite simple:
"Welcome home, Ranma!" she said with her best, motherly smile.]
"Dinner should be ready in about an hour." She opened her eyes,
blinked....then blinked again.
[This description of Kasumi's reaction to Lyr falls flat on its face.
Remember, you have chosen Kasumi's mind as your point of view for this
scene, so take every advantage of it! Describe the child through her
eyes. Tell us what she is actually feeling. It will be a much more
informative passage and carry three times the emotive weight of
describing Kasumi's reaction from some other POV. You are here in the
process of giving us a prose story, not a Manga tale rendered in prose.
Take advantage of every tool prose offers you, unless you are going to
draw pictures for us.]
"Who is your little friend Ranma?"