Subject: [FFML] [Spamfic] {Ranma} Two Quick Thoughts
From: Andrew
Date: 1/3/2000, 9:49 PM
To: Anime Fanfiction Mailing List
Reply-to:
ark70d@mizzou.edu

(Scene 1. It's a bright and sunny day, and in a tree-filled forest, Nabiki
sits holding a football, yes a soccerball. Takewaki comes by.)

Nabiki: Saaay, Kuno-baby...wanna kick this football to the moon?

Kuno: The great Blue Thunder is not amused with such firvoloity.

Nabiki: You know, if you do this, I'll see about setting you up with that
little red-headed girl there. (She points to a park bench where Onna-Ranma
is sulking.)

Kuno: Alas, my pig-tailed goddess! Wait a minute...surely this is not a
trap set up by that evil Saotome?

Nabiki (chuckling): Hardly, he's not even here...he's sulking the fact
that Akane is marrying Ryouga.

Kuno: No doubt, another of your rouses, for alas I have never heard of a
Ryouga, and furthermore, the only thing that your fair sister has ever
showed interest is in me, the Blue Thunder, and that infernal piglet of
hers.

Nabiki (muttering): Tell me about it...(to Kuno) So, Kuno-baby, how's
'bout the deal? You kick the ball, and you get your pig-tailed goddess.

Kuno: It seems fair enough. Very well, I shall attempt what you ask.

(Kuno gets far back. Nabiki holds down the football.)

Kuno: Football! Meet thy destiny! (He runs as fast as he can...but Nabiki
pulls the ball away at the last second and Kuno kicks in the air! He's
flinged upward a ways before falling down on his back.) Aarrgh! (Ffump!
Nabiki giggles and smiles at him.)

Nabiki: Kuno-baby...you are so gullible, it's not even funny...let this be
a lesson to you and you'll thank me for it far, far in the future.

(She walks off leaving Kuno to grown and just to stare up at the sky.)

***********************************************

(Scene 2. It's the Tendou Living Room. All of the Ranma Cast is sitting
down at the table, and Akane comes out with the food...which I won't
describe except to say not even the French would give their cows what
Akane cooked. Everyone looks, well, at their food.)

Ranma (tossing his food aside): Aw, man...why did ya have to cook, Akane?

Akane (immediately looking irate): WHAT?! You haven't even touched it?
(THe food eats its way through the bowls and through the table.)

Ranma: How can I? It's already boring a hole to China!

Shampoo: Now that, Shampoo impressed.

Akane: Ranma! You'd get down there and eat the food right now!

Ranma: Oh, sure...you uncute, sexless tomboy!

Akane (evil-eye stare): What. Did. You. Say?

Ranma: I said you're a (screaming) uncute, sexless tomboy who couldn't
cook anything! At least read the directions!

Akane: Ranma.....

Ranma: I wouldn't marry ya if you were the last girl on Earth! (He sticks
out his tongue.)

Akane: Ranma no baka! (And with that, Akane pulls out her mallet, and
whaps Ranma. But, instead of pummeling Ranma down to the ground, Ranma's
head splatters all over the place, like in one of those Gallagher
routines. The headless Ranma flops around a bit beofre falling over
foreward into the hole. Everyone gasps.)

Genma: M-m-m-my son...

Ukyou: Oh, my goddess, you killed Ranma! You bastard! (Akane looks at her
hands and mallet.)

Akane (getting down on her knee, whimpering): Oh, no... (Kasumi rushes
over to her side.)

Kasumi: Oh, my! Don't worry little sister...you didn't mean it.

(Akane looks at her blood-soaked hands, at her mallet.)

Akane: I feel...(she smiles)I feel great! Now I'll never have to worry
about marrying that pervert every again!

Ryouga: Yeeesss!!! (He pumps his fists.)

Kuno: At last, my prayers have thus been answered! My dear sweet Akane has
defeated the curse that cur Saotome hath placed on her! Redemption!

(Ukyou, Shampoo, & Kodachi whap Ryouga, Mousse, and Takewaki
respectively.)

Shampoo: Shampoo kill violent tomboy for killing airen!

Ukyou: Akane Tendou, you will *pay* for this killing! I will kill you in
memory of Ranchan!

Kodachi: And I, the Black Rose, shall kill you and haunt you for the rest
of your life!

(Akane grins at the three girls.)

Akane: Fine. Go ahead, try to make my life miserable. You can't possibly
make it any worse than what Ranma's already done! (Suddenly an irate and
blubbering Soun grabs Akane.)

Soun: My daughter, do you realize what you've done?! You've ruined and
destroyed the chance to unite the Saotome & Tendou families! (He turns his
head over to Genma and Nodoka.) Did it *ever* occur to you that you would
be also ruining their only son?

(The two parents are weeping and crying.)

Nodoka: My son....my son killed like in some Gallagher act...

Genma: I...I...never got the chance to make Ranma a manly man...he will
always be a girly-boy...

Akane: So? It's their fault they raised such an half-assed idiot like
Ranma!

(Soun tries to choke Akane, but Nabiki & Kasumi pulls their father away
from her.)

Nabiki: Dad, get a grip! He insulted her!

Kasumi: And it wouldn't be very nice to murder your own daughter in cold
blood, now would it? Besides, the floors are messy enough as it is.

(Meanwhile, Shampoo, Ukyou, & Kodachi try to attack Akane, but are held
back now by Mousse, Ryouga & Takewaki, respectively. Mousse is somewhat
fighting Shampoo as he's trying to hold her back. Cologne leans over to
Mousse.)

Cologne: Hold her back, Mousse, it would not be wise to let my
great-granddaughter fight on emotions alone.

Mousse (grunting): Then help me, Elder Cologne! (Suddenly, Shampoo pulls
Mousse's arm across and her bonbori and his chain somehow find their way
through Cologne side and out the other side. The scene pands out and
freezes at that point. We focus on Akane first, smiling and examining her
blood-stained hands as these words are scrolled out, read by a woman:)

Akane confessed to killing Ranma to the police, but was acquitted by a
jury of her peers after she successfully defended her claim of
self-defense because of Ranma's verbal attacks. Afterward, the jury
pummled and ass-whooped the prosecutor after he continually called Akane
an "uncute tomboy" and said the same thing about the jury after the
verdict was reached. Today, Akane is happily married to Ryouga Habiki, and
they have two children, a pig. They work on a cooking show that is hosted
by Akane.

(Now we switch to a frozen shot of Kasumi & Nabiki holding back their
father.)

Finally tiring of her father's whining and crying, Kasumi put arsenic in
his tea before his bed-time. She then rejected a proposal of marriage from
Dr. Tofu because in her words, "It be too messy to be pampered the rest of
my life, and besides, it wouldn't be nice." Dr. Tofu comitted suicide
afterwards. Currenly, Kasumi is married to Takewaki Kuno and along with
her sister, they run the Kuno Financial Consulting Firm. They also are the
current owners of the Oakland Raiders Football Team.

Nabiki Tendou ended up marrying Takewaki Kuno's servant Sasuke who has the
services of Kodachi as a mistress. Sasuke helps run the financial
consulting firm and is a lawyer in his spare time. He would become later
famous in the Negaverse vs. Sailor Senshi lawsuit that resulted in the
Salior Senshis paying over a billions yen worth of damages done to the
Negaverse and the City of Tokyo.

(We switch to the Saotome parents, still in mourning.)

Genma & Nodoka Saotome eventually decided that Japan in general gave them
too many bad memories, so they moved to Seattle, Washington where they set
up a very successful babysitting service.

(Now, we switch to Ukyou. She's holding her spatula in defenisve
position.)

With Ranma out of her life, Ukyou became the center of a huge fight
between Konastu & Tsubasa for her love. Konastu defeated Tsubasa and
eventually married Ukyou. Currently, they own a bed & breakfast inn in
London, England. Konastu also became the next Dame Edna for the BBC and
proved to be more hiliarous than the original.

(Next to Kodachi, who is being held by her brother.)

Kodachi took a vow of silence and tried to enter the nunnery, but she was
kicked out after her first attempt at a garden killed all of the nuns. She
is now single, but is Sasuke's mistress, although there are rumors she's
also serving Kasumi as well. While she is not involved in the Financial
Consulting business, she is involved in the human genome project and was
the first to discover the gene that causes tomboyishness is girls and the
desire for boys to want to wear dress, which is now called the Kodachi
gene.

(We switch over to Mousse and Shampoo, who looks surprised at a bleeding
Cologne.)

After Mousse and Shampoo inadvertantly killed Cologne, the two immediately
fell in love and never ever went back to China. They currenly are co-CEOs
of the Nekohatten chain of Chinee 5-star restaurants. They currently have
two boys, three girls, two cats, three ducks, and a platypus.

*******************************************

Quick notes: the first thought is in honor of the Peanuts cartoon that
goes off the comic strip after fifty years of insiteful commentary and
humor.
 And for the second note, I just wondered what might happen if Akane's
pounding did some real damage...



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