Hello Mr. Morse, I happened to read your fic (Basically
because it was one of the only fics that wasn't labeled 14 or some
such... I hate it when people don't repost). I liked it a lot,
there is a lot of comedic potential in it, and I thought it was
fairly good. On with the C&C.
Storyline/Plot: Fairly straightforward and fluid, there is
no confusing jumping around and from what I can tell it is wholely
original. I actually found the setting shifted my mind a bit on
where I thought it might be set. It is strange not to think of
Ritsuko and Misato as non-NERV Personel. The only question that I
might have for setting is that of WHEN in the Ranmaverse it is set,
considering the fact that Nodoka doesn't seem to know about the
curse(Which she did by the end of the series, and dismissed it as
unimportant, so long as Ranma peeped on girls he was manly to her.
^^;).
Characterization: I found the characterization pretty much
flawless, however, I wonder at Rei's aloofness. I mean, this isn't
Tokyo-3, and I doubt she was brought up in the whole NERV Setting.
A lot of her perspective comes from the fact that she doesn't value
her own life, and would willingly sacrifice herself for the cause
that NERV stood for, or that Gendou wanted her to do.
Misato was fairly accurately represented as far as I could
tell, in that she is a little childish for the most part. We only
see her serious part in Eva when something serious is going down at
NERV or when she is required to be formal(Read: Won't act serious
unless REALLY needed). I am unsure if her silly behavior is due to
a compensatio effort for the high stress world that NERV operates
in.
Ritsuko, from what I could see, was rather accurate, though
I have not seen over much of her in Eva when she isn't explaining
details and important information. I like the Hibiki touch
however,
although I wonder how this might further her character depth.
Ranma and company was, of course, accurate. I only wonder
what time period it is set in because Nodoka doesn't know about the
curse, so that is one minor confusion.
Foreshadowing: There isn't much foreshadowing as of yet,
however, there is a very obvious hint that Misato is going to find
out about Ranma, and Ranma is going to likely beg her not to tell
mom, citing the honour promise Genma made to her and how serious
she
seems to be about it(To the point of lugging around the family
Katana everywhere she goes). I am not sure if it is just me
WANTING
something to happen, but I get the feeling that something is going
to happen that is very EVA like... or maybe elements of Misato's
story will somehow start popping up in life or something.
I also get the impression that someone (If there isn't
going
to be any EVA elements)is going to help her write the story
properly. In any case, I would love to see which direction this
takes, since there aren't many hints on the subject.
Continuity: I will say again that the most confusing part
of
the story is what TIME in the Ranmaverse it is portrayed. Because
the Ranma cast are very static about some things, but do react
differently throughout the whole series(In a developing sort of
manner), it is sometimes hard to catch WHEN we are. There are some
major key events that changed the Ranma cast immensely, Jyusendou,
The Musk incident, Ryouga meeting Akarii.
Take into account these events and possibly make it clearer
to the reader WHEN they are. If you can't do that in the story, at
least put a note in the foreword about the time alotment.
Other than that major confusion, the story flows well from
beginning to end as mentioned before, and it generally seems like a
good start to a series. I just hope more happens in the future,
since it has a lot of potential.
You manage to cut a through the middle road on the Floating
Face Syndrome(FFS) that other authors often fall into. While you
do
have some general movements of the body in the story, it isn't
enough to dismiss the rather lackluster ghostliness that I tend to
get with inadequate body movement description.
If you don't know what I man by FFS, it is when an author
concentrates on the words being said and the facial expressions
more
than the rest of the character's body. A *LOT* Of authors do this,
and it is because in real life we tend to concentrate on people's
faces(Or if you are a pervert, on women's breasteses) instead of
their bodies.
General Comment: This is a great story, with some good
potential future development concerning new chapters and whatnot.
I
liked it, and laughed a couple times(Esp. when Ritsuko was found to
be a Hibiki). I must wonder about the NAME of the story, I know
that Misato is Ranma's Oneechan, but the relevance of this in
future
episodes might be a bit hard to keep up.
The usual has already been mentioned, avoid FFS, also good
internal plumbing is also preferable. I like meat on the bones of
a
story, and you do have some fairly good descriptive prose. I liked
the part where Misato is attempting to write, since it does seem
somewhat amateurish by the snippet of text you give us.
Internal thought and description description description is
the kind of thing I like. I understand that might not be for all
the readers out there, and hence why I don't mind the less than
intense storytelling many people tend to do. Not everyone can be a
fanatic I suppose, and there are many good stories written without
excess descriptive prose, like this for example.
In any case, I'll be happy if you keep me posted on this
story so that I can give further C&C on future episodes. You might
want to mail future episodes directly to me, though, if you want
such. I tend to be a bit too busy looking through the FFML stories
and skipping over "CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR OF RANMA KICKS BUTT" Or
something like. I probably would have read FIRST chapter and kept
up on said imaginary story, but I balk a bit at having to go find
someone's webpage just so I can read one e-mail chapter of said
story.
I hope this commentary finds you in good inward and outward
health and happiness, I pray that some of my comments might go
heeded and actually improve your own story as they are so intended
to do. I am thankful for your time in Reading this C&C, and hope
to
hear any return comments from you soon.
--
Sincerely....
Shimitsu Kaori.
Lost "Dragon-Gal"
of Shimitsu-Ryuu.
Princess of Chaos.
"What makes a curse is simply the view, a blessing to some is a
curse unto you, But
acceptance can conquer that fear you hold high, through acceptance
comes peace.....
are you willing to try?"
-Quote from Kaori Shimitsu.
My Homepage at!
http://members.xoom.com/_XMCM/Shimitsu/chaos.htm
The FRAGILE CLAY WEBRING is at
http://members.xoom.com/_XMCM/Shimitsu/ring.htm
ICQ UIN: 28514115
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