"Greg Housley" <coldmatrix@hotmail.com> wrote:
My writing sucks crap so I figured I'd just forego pre-readers and post it
for annihilation on the FFML. Pick at it, tear it up, mutilate it, I can
take it. Like I said, I already know it sucks. I seriously don't know if
I'll continue this because I doubt anyone will be interested enough to
please. C&C is fine. Maybe if you tell me why I suck I can hope to improve
one day in the distant future when man has colonized mars or something.
Geez, you're pretty negative. :) Your writing isn't THAT bad. You need
work, but you're showing potential.
For starters, you might look through the Guide to Better Writing at
<http://victorian.fortunecity.com/university/5/writing/index.htm>, and
going through and carefully editing your story. Pay attention to
homonyms (you're vs. your, they're vs. their vs. their, etc.) and also
comma placement (the proper answer to "What's up sis?" is "Nothing, you
pervert! *WHAP*")
I do have some problems with the story, though.
1) Why the IRA? The IRA doesn't hunt for treasure; they're busy trying
to free Ireland from British colonial rule. I think it's safe to say
they don't own any buildings in Tokyo. If by some chance they did
recruit Ranma, it seems to be they'd want to take him to Ireland or
Britain to fight for them.
Neither would any reasonably covert organization be careless enough to
reveal their identity and headquarters to a pair of unreliable
teenagers. Now, I suppose it's possible that their story about being the
IRA is a lie, but that's not the impression I get from the story, and I
think Nabsy would be smart enough to see through it.
2) Why try to recruit Nabiki? She's not a super-powerful martial artist
like the other Nerimans. She can't fight crowds of people and win the
way Akane can. True, she's clever, but if this spy group is any good at
all, they'll already have people who are not only clever but have the
experience that Nab lacks.
Moreover, why does Nabiki go along with it? She's not an adventurer. She
doesn't like being in danger. She does like money, yes, but it's far
easier to let Ranma and Akane take the risk and con the money out of
them when they get back. I could see her agreeing at first to go along
with Ranma to make Akane jealous -- then "reluctantly" agreeing to let
Akane take her place, for the right fee of course.
Good luck, and keep writing.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html