At 12:31 PM 1/1/00 EST, UnderF4331@aol.com wrote:
Compromising Positions
By Ryo Hoshi
This is actually a fairly interesting slayers story. While it's not quite
OF, it's quite readable.
My comments:
1. Amelia drunk on party drinks would be a sight to see. It'd be nice if we
could read more about that, and Zelgadis's... ehermm... weakness in the
face of a cute drunk girl. If it's a 'lime' story, you have quite a bit
more room for PG-13/R content.
2. Zel and Amelia's morning after dialouge seems kinda rushed. It'd be much
more interesting if there was some more dialouge or internal dialouge for
the two.
3. While *we* all know that Zel is a great guy, but *Zel* thinks Zel is an
utter bastard. He even *likes* that he gets to be the bad-guy sometimes. I
don't think he would be the least little bit concerned with what Phil would
think at all. I think he'd be more concerned with Amelia's safety and
Lina's reaction. He might be upset that 'rapist' was added to his
reputation, tho...
4. Unless that he could actually *see* that Amelia was in danger, I don't
think that Zel would just walk away from the fight. He tends, especially
later into the series, attack first to keep his enemies off guard. Zel is a
smart guy. He knows that the Mazoku hate him, but he also knows that they
*fear* Lina. They can't kill him or Amelia if they want their plan to
succeed. That gives him a certain amount of leeway. This is solved by
making Amelia's situation more dire and/or painful. If they show him that
Amelia is a) still alive, b) completely out of his reach, and c) about to
suffer horribly for as long as he delays in carrying out the hostage
demands, they've got him by the balls (especially after he slept with her),
and his internal dialouge about how to go about actually killing Lina would
seem much more realistic.
Keep writing!
c.
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C. Jones - guilty@arn.net - http://cyberwheel.simplenet.com
Temporary Fanfiction Mirror - http://users.arn.net/~guilty/fanfic/
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I saw the decade end and it seemed the world
had changed in the blink of an eye...
- Jesus Jones