Hi,
My comments##
From:
Sigma176@aol.com | Block address
Date:
Sat, 1 Jan 2000 12:00:42 EST
Subject:
[FFML] my first real fic
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
##Titles are good. ^_^
Try:
Subject: [Ranma][fic] Untold tales of Life on the
road.
Remember that many people have mail filters that look
for
certain things in the Subject heading such as Ranma or
Fic, etc.
Also, the title is useful in grabbing the readers
attention. There is nothing wrong with your title
just need to be in the Subject line. Personally
I find shorter titles more attention getting.
Example:
Road Rage
Path not taken
The Pathless Trail
Untold Tales
Life on the Road
On the Road
The Road
The Path (fits in well both realistically and as a
Zen/martial arts metaphor)
Tales of Ranma and Genma
Center of the Road (could be especially good if you
use the theme of Ranma finding his center during his
travels.)
The title is the first thing the reader sees. Try to
hook them with
the title. Then, you've got to grab them quickly with
the first
few paragraphs of the story.
HI, okay this is the first chapter of my first real
fanfic. I know I'm
not a
really good writer yet.
##NEVER----NEVER-----NEVER!!!!!
say "I'm not a really good writer"
If you don't think you are a good writer, why
should anyone bother reading what you have written?
This is why I am writing fan fiction.
##Ummmm, this sounds as if writing
fan fiction is what people do if they are
not good writers. ^_^;;;;
It is
solely to
improve my writing skills. And for enjoyment of
course. I have yet to
get out
of middle school. So I have plenty of time to improve
my writing skills
before college.
##Don't use bandwidth for your autobiography. If you
must,
put things like this at the END of the story.
Anyway, I would appreciate any comments or criticisms
That
can be put forth. Thanks In advance. Also, because I
lack the
discipline to
write for very long periods of time my chapters are
going to be short.
Do you
think I should for my final posting on my web page
combine every two
chapters?
##1)The reader doesn't need to know about your
discipline or lack-there-of.
2)There is no way of knowing if you should combine
chapters
until you post a few more.
3)Give the URL for your Web-page.
**********
Untold tales of Life on the road.
##Formatting needs work.
As Ranma followed his father out of the Tokyo city
limits he couldn't
help
but take a look back the way he had come. Back to
where his home was.
##Ummmm, I _think_ the Saotome home is located in a
ward of Tokyo,
not in the city proper. (VERY expensive real estate)
IMO better
to describe the leave-taking a bit more. Give the
reader a POV of
a small boy leaving home. A child is not likely to be
thinking about
city-limits but rather about his favorite places,
perhaps his friends and
especially about his mother.
He didn't quite understand it all. His father wanted
him to be a great
fighter. But why did he have to leave home? Oh well,
He thought, It's
not
like I'll be gone forever or anything. Just a month or
two, and besides
I'm
with Dad, the strongest man in the world! He wouldn't
let anything
happen to
me.
##I believe Genma left with Ranma before he, Ranma,
was at the walking age.
Not a story killer point. If you want to write about
Ranma leaving home
at this age, do so. However this is still a bit weak
as a scene.
IMO this is a good spot to start developing _your_
characterization of
Ranma. This is entirely too short and bland. Also,
IMO,
"It's not like I'll be gone forever . . ."
is too un-subtle. ^_^
Ranma stared at his father's back as he walked along.
His Father
was
everything that he wanted to be, quick, strong,
skillful, and smart. No
one
could beat his dad!
##Good. However I'm not sure listing "quick, strong,
skillful, and
smart." works. It's too bland and does not seem to fit
a young
child. Rework this a bit to fit a child POV. You're
on the right track.
Glancing away from his father to the sky, he stared at
the early stars
just
beginning to appear. So intent on it that he failed to
notice the rock
in his
path. Ranma suddenly found himself stumbling forward
fighting a loosing
battle to keep his balance. Stumbling over rock,
ground, and into his
father.
His Father spun glaring down at him. Ranma shrunk back
under his
father's
intense stare. "I... I'm sorry dad... I just wasn't
pay'n attention to
where
I was go'in."
##Not bad. Again a little too bland.
Example::
Trotting along behind his father Ranma's attention
wandered
from the ugly suburban sprawl to the evening stars
just becoming
visible. Ranma was fascinated, since the harsh neon of
Tokyo
washed out all but the brightest stars he was
unprepared for the
scattering of jewels across the night sky. With his
eyes fixed on the
sky Ranma stumbled and almost fell, catching himself
by grabbing
his fathers belt.
##Now this is _not_ the only way to do things. However
EVERY word
of the story should advance the action and
characterization. In this case
it's been established that Ranma is a city boy, never
having seen
a night sky beyond the city lights. Also shows that
they
are still in the suburbs (which ARE very ugly).
His father's features relaxed a bit and Ranma gave a
small sigh of
relief. He
hadn't made his father angry. Then lightning quick the
back of his
father's
hand caught him hard in the face sending him skidding
back the way he
had
come. Wailing and covering his bloody nose Ranma
cowered as his father
came
closer. "That was lesson 1 Ranma, You must always be
prepared." His
tone was
different than ever before, there was no love or
affection in his voice
now,
just a dry business tone with maybe even a touch of
contempt.
##Hmmm, not an unheard of method of training. There
are
precedents in both Japanese and Chinese literature.
Genma's dialogue, IMO, is a bit stilted. And I don't
think "dry business tone" quite fits.
Perhaps::
He didn't see the hard calloused hand that
slammed him to the ground. Dazed, too stunned to even
cry Ranma looked up at his father.
"A martial artist must never lose his center.
If you lose your center, you lose your life." Genma
stared down at his son for a moment before turning
away down the path.
##There are many sources detailing martial arts
training, especially
"classical" training. (Assuming that such a thing
existed) IMO
it's better to use those as a pattern to try and
maintain the flavor
of Japan/China.
Traditionally martial arts teachers were very obscure.
Sometimes this
was because they were trying to teach things that
could not be put
into words. Sometimes because they were paranoid and
at times simply
because they were incompetent and used obscurity to
cover up
their own failings. (I've got some links on Asian
language, culture, etc
that might be useful.
(http://www.iguild.com/homes/kazama/}
Also search engines, such as Northen Lights
{http://www.northernlight.com/}
can help fill in details on martial arts, Japanese
culture, geography, etc.
" Lesson
two is
always get up!" Ranma just stared at his father a
moment trying to
understand
what was going on. "Now!" Ranma jumped to his feet
immediately and was
pulled
along by his father at a pace his 6 year old legs
could hardly keep up
with.
What's gotten into Daddy? Why is he being so mean?
This is going to be
the
longest trip of my life... Good thing it won't last
too long...
To be Continues...
##Overall: Too brief to get much of an idea about the
story.
Interesting concept. A child Ranma POV could be
very interesting. More detail is necessary.
Develop the characters, make the reader feel what
the characters are feeling, see what they are seeing.
Good luck, keep writing. ^_^
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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