Gary Kleppe wrote:
Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 03:33:17 +1100
And my C&C, only a year late... :)
Nice to be able to make that claim, isn't it? :)
"Shukumaru-sama, your litter awaits," Jakuten said
obsequiously.
*WHAP!* "Do I look like a Cat-demon, you fool? Take this to Lord
Stimpy!"
Heh. And here I was expecting the inevitable puns about rubbish. :)
"Very well, Jakuten." Shukumaru sipped the last of her tea
and set the cup down. She adjusted the folds of her
traveling oba. It was white, she noted absently. Only the
flower patterns and richly embroidered sleeves offset the
harsh single colour. All of her clothing was restricted to
that one colour, she realized. When had it been since she
had worn a different hue?
Phrasing doesn't quite seem right. Suggest: How long had it been
since....
Noted.
She turned to look at temple room that had been her home
at the temple room
Nods.
"You will do as I tell you!" Yami-no-Tsume thundered at
his only child: his daughter, who should know better than
to argue with him on this matter. The solution was obvious
to him and seemed perfectly reasonable. Why was she being
so obstinate? "Masakado is perfectly willing to align
himself to us in order to marry you. You should be honoured!"
YAMI: I only want what's best for all, child. Why can you not see that I
mean well?
SHU: You know what they say about good intentions, Father. The road
to....
(looks around)
YAMI: Yes?
SHU: Nevermind.
Bwahahaha! That's really rich, Gary: the Road to Hell indeed. :)
Shukumaru paled, trembling with deep rage. The claws on
her hands bit into the soft skin of her palm as she curled
her fingers into tight fists. Blood trickled from between
her clenched fists. "Very well, Father." She spun on her
foot and strode through the doorway of the living room. She
slammed the door shut behind her.
Suggest 'The door slammed behind her.' (to eliminate two She did this
sentences in a row)
I had it that way the first time round. Will change it back.
"Ahh, what am I to do, Raiha?" Yami-no-Tsume asked mildly.
He stroked the Thunderbeast's fur with his right hand. "If
only I had a son, then I wouldn't have to play these games
with the others." He shook his head in annoyance. "Using my
child as a pawn, what has the East become?"
pawn; what
Yep.
"How original," she replied, smiling slightly. Only five
minutes since she had entered the club and she had already
snared her prey. It had to be a new record. The night was
looking up.
"But it's true!" he said, grinning widely. "I'm Hikaru.
Nice to meet ya."
Well, it can't be Gos....
Nope, unless Gos happens to be one of the undead... :) (Nah, no chance of
that).
Obviously so. The boy was smiling, eyes dancing with
anticipation. He flickered his fingers in a come hither
fashion at the thug leader. "Let's rock and roll!"
"Fool! I don't know who you think you are, but you'll
regret stepping on the territory of the Roppongi Scorpions!
I, Hatamei Hanzai, swear it!" the lead punk exclaimed.
This line's a bit Kuno-ish for a street punk to use. Then again, this IS
Japan.... :)
Heh. I guess I've been watching too much anime. Street punks in anime never
seem to get to it until they make an extraordinaryly long-winded speech.
Fukuzushi was the site of their second meeting. Hikaru had
invited her to dinner at the elegant and expensive sushi
restaurant in Roppongi. Shukumaru felt at home amidst the
traditional Japanese decor and well-appointed surrounds of
Fukuzushi. It was strange how the class structure of humans
reflected that of demon society.
Yeah, I've often wondered about that myself.
Well, actually, demon society reflects human society, but since this is
Shukumaru thinking here, she doesn't see it that way. :)
As the daughter of the
Demon Lord of the East, Shukumaru had been raised in luxury
and taught the manners that reflected her highborn status.
It also reflected on her worth as a breeding consort, she
realized sourly. A motion from her partner interrupted her
bleak mood.
"Partner" seems like an odd word to use at this stage in their
relationship. Also, I'd move that last sentence into the next paragraph,
where it seems to fit better.
Nods. And I'll change it to 'date'.
"Haha," Shukumaru echoed, surreptitiously rubbing a five-
inch long white scar on the side of her right thigh,
inflicted by a 'mythical' kappa in the last border dispute
between North and East two years ago. She ate the kappamaki
and found it marginally palatable. By its crunchy texture
and the horrible taste flooding her mouth, cucumber was
likely a part of the vegetable family. Spitting it out in
such an expensive restaurant would undoubtedly disgrace her
and insult the cooks.
But does she really care about that? I'd think her only concern would be
that it would embarrass and upset Hikaru.
The cooks aren't really a concern to her; she's more worried about the
logical progression resulting from the insult; that is they might get kicked
out of the restaurant - I'll add this reasoning to the sentence.
Hikaru took her out seven more times in as many days and
nights. He lavished money on her as though it was water,
and Shukumaru, daughter of a remarkably wealthy Demon Lord,
was both amused and suitably impressed.
"Suitably impressed," I think, is one of those expressions that
generally get ised sarcastically. "Oh, you're Furinkan's undisputed
kendo champion? Gosh, we're all suitably impressed."
She is being semi-sarcastic here; the money itself doesn't impress her one
bit, but rather, it is the fact that Hikaru is spending it on her that
attracts her. Suitably isn't a great term to use here; I'll try and find
something better.
Then again, maybe it's just me....
He lay there, resting his head in her arms and lap,
staring up into the night sky, and to her surprise,
Shukumaru felt a warm contentment. It made her uneasy. "My
brother is getting married next week," Hikaru remarked
casually. "Come with me."
"I'd like you to meet his wife. She's a 152nd generation Demon Hunter.
You'll love her."
Shura Kuno? Maybe, just maybe. :)
"The Old Woman?" Shukumaru inquired sharply. "Hmm. That
does seem a sound idea, Jakuten. I believe I will do so at
once!"
The Old Woman's rooms were at the back of the apartment
complex ruled by her father. True to her name, the Old
"When I said at once, I didn't mean THAT quickly!" :) (You might want to
stick in a scene breaker there.)
Nods. I'll plunk in a short para there.
"Well, there is this human that I met a week ago," she
began.
"A human? And still alive?" the Old Woman sharply asked.
"Yeah, go ahead and rub it in." *grumble*
Grin. The Old Woman gets her jollies in every way she can (rather like
Cologne in that way :).
Love?! It was not possible, Shukumaru thought numbly. The
foolish crone had to be mistaken! But she wasn't, Shukumaru
realized with sudden clarity. It was she who had blinded
Suggest: 'mistaken! But no, Shukumaru realized....' (to lessen the
confusion between two 'she's)
Nod. Good call; I'll change it.
"A minor matter, my Lord. Of no great concern and easily
dealt with. What brings you here to see me?"
"Very well then. I wish you to search out a mate who will
provide me with issue. Male issue," the Demon Lord of the
East clarified.
"The latest issue of Inu-Yasha. Viz has TERRIBLE distribution."
Viz: That's not true! We're only three years behind Takahashi-san at this
point! (Even though we started at the same time).
A week later, Hikaru was still alive.
And General Franco was still dead. Such balance in nature!
Tsk. The cruelty of the Fates. :)
"Uh, a gift?" Shukumaru asked, stalling for time as she
looked around desperately for Hikaru. A cousin or some such
had snagged him the moment they had entered the Ceremony
Hall, and he had been dragged off to accomplish some
errand, leaving her without a single clue as to what to do.
She really would kill him the next time she saw him. A yell
saved her from committing mass mayhem on the innocent girl.
Again, that last sentence IMO belongs in the next paragraph.
Nod.
"Good. Otherwise, I wouldn't dare attempt this." He bent
and abruptly kissed her. His lips were remarkably warm on
hers, Shukumaru absently noted. It was the only rational
thought she had as feelings long locked within erupted in a
flood of passion. A distinct clapping sound disturbed her,
and suddenly embarrassed, she pulled away. She felt her
face flush as she saw a slightly older version of Hikaru
and an exquisitely demure young woman by his side standing
there. The formal wedding clothes also cued her to their
identity.
This should probably be two paragraphs.
True. I'll break it at 'A distinct clapping'
Hikaru's older brother cheered lustily. "At last, my
little brother shows some taste. I was beginning to think
he hadn't inherited the family talent for spotting the
prettiest girl in the crowd. Of course, his talent is no
where close to mine." He glanced proudly at the blushing
nowhere (1 word)
bride beside him.
It was in that manner that Shukumaru was introduced to
Hiro Gosunkugi and his bride, Shura.
AAIE! :) Well, it still can't be the Gos we know. Must be a relative
after whom he was named.
His uncle. Gos of Ranm 1/2 is the son of Hiro and Shura, and takes after
them both. Well, he follows Shura in the shy personality, and Hiro in
photographic and beauty-spotting talent (taken to the point of obsession, of
course).
Scarlet splashed the walls of the small apartment. The
living room was stained and soaked in glistening crimson,
forming bizarre images upon the walls, ceiling and floor.
Look, was that not a dull red sun pictured on the far wall?
And that splotch seemed distinctly shaped like a broken
heart. Trickles of the thick liquid had slowly trailed down
You should probably either use a different expression than "broken
heart," or acknowledge the double meaning. Perhaps a thought to the
effect that 'man who make love with demon end up with broken heart,' and
Shu finds something inside her laughing at the black humor.
Actually, it's supposed to be a subtle reference to Shukumaru's broken
heart. I'll change it to 'shaped like a heart torn asunder' and make a
slight additional reference.
All in all, this was IMO the best chapter you've done yet. The conflicts
were strong and emotionally engaging, and you're developing the villain
of the series into a fully rounded character. I'm eager to see more of
this.
Thanks, Gary. I was afraid the story might be too predictable and cliched,
but everyone seems to have enjoyed it. This story and and the next are meant
to show why Shukumaru is as obsessed and destructive as she is - IMO, a very
necessary thing to do in order to create a strong personality for a villain
and add depth to the series. Funny thing is that there were no Ranma 1/2
characters in this piece at all. :)
Thanks for the insightful comments!
Phil.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html
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