Gary Kleppe wrote:
Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
Draft version.
C&C is most welcome.
Other people have covered this quite well... just want to add a few
things.
Always glad to have your input, Gary.
Akane Tendo had two invariable qualities which tended to
make her life interesting. Firstly, she attracted the
attention of virtually any male in her vicinity. This often
resulted in an unhealthy interest in her by the said male
that often verged or dived into the realm of obsession -
witness Tatewaki Kuno and Ryoga Hibiki to name two in
Is this supposed to represent Akane's own thoughts on her life? She
almost surely never realized how obsessed Ryoga was over her.
It's an author's overview of her character which leads in mid-scene into
Akane's POV. Yes, it's confusing, but I didn't want to have Akane merely
recap the entire battle without some additional input. If it doesn't work,
tell me, and I'll rework the scene.
Ryoga Hibiki smiled grimly as he found what he sought. His
eyes traced over the web of interconnecting energy lines
that traced the underpinnings of the steep and narrow path
on the side of Fuji-san. Here and there, they joined
together to form governing nodes. The web was already
warped from the minor quakes earlier. It wouldn't take much
to wreak greater havoc. Get her out, Ranma. I'm counting on
you. He jabbed his index finger without hesitation into the
largest of the complex nodes of energy. "Bakusai Tenketsu!"
For a critical turning point in the fight, this part was over rather
quickly. You'd probably get more of an impact if you drew it out a bit
more.
Good point. I think the entire battle scene probably needs a little more
work. Other people have mentioned that it could do with more description.
I'll see what I can do.
"Crazy Rose Girl not know meaning of defeat?" Shampoo
asked curiously.
"Why, certainly I do! Defeat is merely another term for
try again," Kodachi replied with a hair-raising laugh.
How about "A defeat is something that I deal out to others!"
Ah. I was trying for a play on words here. It's not pure Kodachi-esque,
but it is nice and ambiguous when you take it with her reference to Ryoga
in the same paragraph.
Because you're dying, dammit! His mind screamed in
anguish. Let me save you! But that wouldn't help the
situation. Logic never did. Akane only responded to
emotion. He touched her cheek gently once more and steeled
himself to do the hardest thing in his life.
"I'm sorry, Akane. I never trusted you before 'cause I
couldn't." Ranma took a deep breath. "See, it's 'cause I
only ever trusted one person in my life and he-- well, he
betrayed me. So I couldn't, ya see?"
Huh? Ranma is actually a very trusting person. He doesn't hesitate to
make friends with and even fight alongside people who in the past have
tried hard to kill him. Genma (to whom I assume the above refers) has
made some spectacularly stupid mistakes, it's true, but he hasn't
intentionally betrayed Ranma over anything major. Furthermore, even if
this were an accurate description of Ranma's inner feelings, I hardly
think he has enough insight to put it into words like this.
Scrub. Scrub. Scrub. Hmm. I wrote out a very nice piece on my take of
Ranma's character, but then I realized that would violate the FFML's rules
on character arguments. Gary, I'll be happy to discuss this with you on
FFIRC - I'll be on either today or tomorrow. Essentially, my position is
that Ranma has a very easy-going personality but that doesn't equal a
trusting personality, and that his easy-going nature suggests a lack of
trust on his part (now you can marshal all your arguments as to why this
isn't so ^_^).
As to Ranma not having enough insight to put it into words, I totally
agree with you. Ranma when IC would never be able to put his motivations
and reasoning so succintly into a single paragraph. I'll try and work on
this part a bit.
"I trust you," Akane murmured, staring into his golden eyes.
He lowered his head to nuzzle her neck once again and then
his fangs pierced her throat.
And the voice said, Goood vork, Ranma! In zee morning, she vill be vun
of my minions! AH! AH! AH!
Count Vlad Saotome? :)
Nice surprise ending. Overall, a well-done (if short) chapter, and I'm
looking forward to seeing more.
Thanks! Appreciate your insightful comments, as always, Gary. Now you can
have fun annihilating me on FFIRC. :)
Phil.
Gary
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