Vincent Seifert wrote:
Warning! Incoming nitpicks! :)
Picks are always welcome. Peers about, looking for Madoka. :)
Ukyo staggered beneath the weight of her burden. Climbing
Fuji-san wasn't a particularly easy task under the best of
circumstances; doing so whilst struggling with an oversized
{suggest} while {the "st st" hurts to say :) }
Originally, I debated about this because I wasn't sure which form to use. Is
there a difference?
package on her back was a horrendous trial of endurance.
Still, she persevered in her effort. Ranchan was waiting
for her.
"Say, Konatsu?" she asked.
{Suggest omitting the attribution; there's only the two of them}
Will do.
"Yes, Ukyo-sama?"
"Not that I don't appreciate it, but did you really have
to stop off for those Hakata fishcakes?"
{heh. Very Konatsu. He has many virtues, but practicality isn't usually
one of them. :) }
So true.
{ At this point I'd like to interject a general address: Please, writers,
use Konatsu in fanfics! He's a wonderful character, a useful foil, an
extremely talented martial artist, and now that the Ranma Project has
fandubbed his stories, ignorance is no excuse. :) }
I'll second this; you can never have too many supporting characters to choose
from. Then you can toss in the ideal one into your plot. :)
particular. Sometimes, the attention resulted in her
kidnapping. To date, Akane had been abducted by Mousse,
Pantyhose Taro, and Prince Saffron of Phoenix Mountain in
Pantyhose-Taro {well, that's the way I like, anyway...}
Isn't Taro his surname? Actually, I've always wondered why PT has a Japanese
name like Taro when he's supposed to be Chinese. Is there an explanation? Or
have I got things muddled up?
distant China.
{Well, technically she was abducted by birds under Kiima's command, but
since Kiima was obeying Saffron's will, I'll let you have it. :) }
Heh. Note I didn't pitch in the non-manga references. (I was soooo tempted,
too :)
Fortunately for her sake, Akane's second quality had a
tendency to offset the first: namely, she was lucky. This
fortunate aspect of her nature manifested itself in various
ways, the most obvious being her penchant for winning
prizes in any lucky draw she entered. Less obvious to Akane
was the fact that she also had the good fortune to draw the
attention of a male who seemed willing to defend her from
all other unwanted regard. Whether this one in turn would
become as possessive of her as the others was open to
question.
{A bit tangled for my taste, but we get the message...}
Nods, I'll try and reword things a bit.
At the moment, her thoughts of Ranma were fleetingly brief
and hardly complimentary. That was because Akane Tendo was
fighting for her life. Her first quality had brought her
the notice of a very large, male wolf seemingly composed
her to the notice of {?}
Not sure. I think it's grammatically sound the way it is, but you know what my
grammar's like, so...
Shukumaru was still watching the battle from her original
position, arms folded casually and with a repellent sneer
pasted on that irritatingly white face.
{er... why is the whiteness irritating? "irritating white", perhaps?}
Uh, Akane's jealous of Shukumaru's fine skin texture... yeah, that's it. :)
Nah, it's my bad grammar again.
Another minute or so. That was how long she needed to
last, to protect herself and Ryoga's unconscious form
behind her.
Then Ranma would save her... as he always did.
{She really needs to have more confidence in herself, even though her
confidence in Ranma has always proven justified... I think this scene
suffers a bit from your need to do a recap in the midst of battle, but
that's a consequence of your decision to end the last chapter where you
did, so there's not much you can do about that.}
Nod. It is a recap, and while I injected a bit of character analysis as
additional material, I'm well aware it doesn't stand on it's own. The
consequences of short chapters.... :)
A throng of demons stood blocking his way to Akane and a
big, blue fuzzball called Raiha. Ranma didn't let them stop
him. He dropped the first with a clinical uppercut to the
{"clinical"? Sudden flash of Dr. Tofu... :) }
Martial Arts Medical Practice? Martial Arts Medical Clinic? Martial Arts
Clinical Surgery? :)
fortunate oni closing in on him from the rear. He had drawn
the attention of Raiha away from Akane and centered it on
himself. The gods just had to be smiling on him.
{Are you sure that's a smile? :> }
Yup. Susanoo, God of Mischief, is smiling on him. :)
Raiha closed the distance with a single bound, and Ranma
leapt to meet him. Fangs of energy snapped above his head
as he ducked and kicked at a blue-furred leg. He hurriedly
withdrew his kick as pins and needles shot up from his foot
from the brief contact. Ranma snarled in frustration. How
could he hurt a being that injured him with just a touch?
The Thunderbeast was more like living energy, rather than a
solid being.
{ Use the Faraday Cage Technique, I tell ya! :) }
I have this mental picture of the Ranma gang as the original Teen Titans as
they short-circuit their way out of an electrical trap set by Brother Blood's
minions. :)
ground. She gasped in pain, her breath forced from her
lungs by the impact. Her mother's katana fell from
nerveless fingers. Akane blinked away the tears in her eyes
to see a hideous oni reach for her. She screamed in fear
and cringed away.
"Hiraikottsu!!"
{I didn't realize until later that this was coming from off-frame...}
I'll add a line to the end of the paragraph before: A shout distracted her.
The grinning oni never even saw the blow that killed him.
He was punched off his feet by a giant metal boomerang,
which sliced through his torso in a violent spray of blood.
boomerang which
{Er. I've seen that weapon before, and it wasn't in Ranma 1/2.}
You have? I've searched through the net and located just one picture of
Sango-chan and Hiraikottsu. ;(
"Akane!" Ranma shouted, throwing a helpless glance at her
dire situation. Dammit! What else could go wrong?! Cold
fire raked across his shoulder and he fell back, his right
arm falling numb from shock.
{Quick answer. :) }
Statements like that, even internal ones, deserve it. :)
Ranma felt the anger and rage sweep over him, and this
time he welcomed the incipient fury. His left hand curled
{"incipient" doesn't seem to fit here. "ascendant", perhaps?}
Hmm. I'll think of something.
into a claw and he slashed out at the grinning demoness
before him.
warped from the minor quakes earlier. It wouldn't take much
to wreak greater havoc. Get her out, Ranma. I'm counting on
you.
{Was that a thought? I assume so, but it's not clear.}
I'll add a bit to make it more clear.
He jabbed his index finger without hesitation into the
largest of the complex nodes of energy. "Bakusai Tenketsu!"
The side of the mountain collapsed.
{What, all of it? The image I got was of the famous sequence of Mt. St.
Helens erupting, and I don't think that's quite what happened; you might
want to qualify it a bit.}
I'll rephrase it: Part of the mountainside collapsed.
Ryoga, Shukumaru, Raiha, and the foremost of the oni pack
were buried beneath the avalanche of tumbling rock
instantly.
{Avalanches aren't instant... suggest} were swallowed up in the
avalanche of tumbling rock.
Will do.
Ranma numbly watched the tableau of jumbled stones, before
{suggest} stones for a moment before
turning to smash furiously through the remaining oni to get
to Akane. Ucchan and Konatsu were doing a fine job
whittling down the belligerent boar and bull ogres as they
{For a second I read that as "bear and bull", but that'd be a stock
market. :) }
Heh heh. The stock market is a demonic influence, don't you know? :)
pushed up the narrow pathway. He could rely on them to hold
the escape route open. "Shampoo, help Kodachi get Ryoga
out," he ordered. The purple-haired Amazon turned to look
him in the eye a split second after lopping off the head of
a oni.
{"You no give order. I not your waitress." :) }
Yup. "Ranma, you now husband. You obey all Shampoo command!" :)
expose luminous blue fur. It was time to go. He picked up
Akane's katana and clasped her arms around it. That was all
he could do to safeguard the Tendo family treasure, but
somehow he knew Akane would not let it fall.
{er... scabbard? Carry a katana that way and she'll lose bits.}
Uh, would you believe it resheathed itself when Akane dropped it? Guess not...
:)
Ukyo halted and gasped for breath. She had come to a
realization about her choice in tools of battle: oversized
weapons made a delightful splatter and looked utterly cool,
but they were pure murder when running away from pursuing
demons was involved. Hiraikottsu was currently being
{suggest} demons.
carried by Konatsu.
{"Caddy, my six-iron, if you please." :) }
Heh heh. If Ukyo acquires any more giant metal utensils, Konatsu will develop
a sore back. :)
though she had been in danger as well.
{Didn't Akane feel that way about Nabiki, that one time? :) }
Yep, I remember that.
rubbed her cheek thoughtfully and her eyes narrowed. "But
is true Airen save Pervert Girl. Shampoo give him six
Amazon glomps in return and try kill Pervert Girl again,"
{Much as I love the word, I don't think Shampoo would say "glomps". :)
Hugs, perhaps?}
Will change.
she finished cheerfully.
{That's Shampoo. :) }
Murderously affectionate? :)
"Yes, Ranma-sama is a prize worthy of the greatest
battle," Kodachi mused out loud. "Should a lowly cook, such
as yourself, choose retreat, then the Black Rose will
happily see you on your way. But for Kodachi Kuno... I
shall pursue Ranma-sama for however long it takes for him
to realize my finer qualities."
{That's Ko-chan. :) }
Arrogantly affectionate? :)
Grey boulders shifted and fell away. Raiha stood and
howled his fury into the fallen night, shaking debris from
his fur. Shukumaru emerged from beneath the Thunderbeast,
dusted her robes, and stared about her. The wan light cast
by the pale moon and glittering stars illuminated her utter
defeat. Mangled and twisted bodies of her servitor oni lay
sprawled amidst the devastated landscape. Most were already
reverting to clumps of dirt and ash. Oni were formed from
earth and wood and the essence of human evil, and so did
they return when that essence was released through death.
Pitiful whines and begging from wounded demons floated up
from where their crushed bodies lay pinned beneath the tomb
of fallen stone. She paid little heed to their injuries or
demise; they were beneath her concern or notice. Instead
her thoughts focused on the escape of her prey.
{Good description.}
Thanks. Somehow, this part flowed when the others wouldn't.
Shukumaru frowned lightly. Her half-brother could yet save
{suggest, as even a small frown is a "heavy" expression} frowned
slightly.
Will change.
anguish. Let me save you! But that wouldn't help the
situation. Logic never did. Akane only responded to
emotion.
{heh, yup.}
:)
He touched her cheek gently once more and steeled
himself to do the hardest thing in his life.
"I'm sorry, Akane. I never trusted you before 'cause I
couldn't." Ranma took a deep breath. "See, it's 'cause I
only ever trusted one person in my life and he-- well, he
betrayed me. So I couldn't, ya see?"
{Mmmm... well, okay, but it's a stretch for me.}
Well, I was refering to the Nekoken training here which is pretty horrific for
a young child to accept. As I see it, Ranma doesn't trust anyone in the cast.
He's pretty easy-going for the most part, but I think that stems from his lack
of trust. No real sense of outrage or betrayal if there's no trust in the
first place.
He looked up nervously to see that her eyes had closed yet
again. "Dammit, 'Kane. Listen to me, will ya? Geez, I'm
{"'Kane" just doesn't work for me, sorry. He doesn't use honorifics, but
he doesn't slur her name that I've noticed, either.}
No problemo. Will alter.
pouring out my heart here." He froze as her hand touched
his.
"No." Ranma lifted his head long enough to display
luminous eyes tinged with yellow. "Remember, you trust me,"
he said softly.
{Uh oh.}
Yeah.
"I trust you," Akane murmured, staring into his golden eyes.
He lowered his head to nuzzle her neck once again and then
his fangs pierced her throat.
{EEEEK!}
Phil calmly munches on a Twinkie. :)
Akane shuddered weakly. Her heart fluttered like a dove
locked within a cage. Once. Twice.
Then it was still.
{Oh, you meanie. You'll suffer for this in the next life. :) }
No doubt. Say, isn't this my next life? :)
Author's Notes:
1) 'Hiraikottsu' - Sango's giant metal boomerang; from Inu-
Yasha.
Thought so.
Yeah, but at least there wasn't a Reiken Aratakawa no matter how tempted I was
to put it in. :)
This chapter seemed really short for some reason, but upon inspection
it's not much shorter than the others. Perhaps it's because it was
brutally truncated. :)
Heh. Pointed quip. :)
Actually, it is shorter than the others (24k, opposed to ~30k for the others).
Nothing else would flow so I decided to leave it as is.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Thanks for commenting, Vince. As always, I appreciate your clear, concise
corrections and fun comments.
Phil - currently enjoying the Australian Open tennis. :)
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.