All C&C are my opinions and suggestions only.
Grayson Towler wrote:
All previous chapters of this story may be found at http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless
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RELENTLESS
A Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction
By Grayson Towler
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Wai! :)
"Poetry is it, Saotome?" Tendou Soun said from the hall as he
shuffled towards them. He was brushing his teeth as he walked -
Nabiki never had understood her father's peculiar fixation with
dental hygiene.
It's 'cause the excess production of tear fluid ruined his saliva composition. :)
"But anyway, it had to be pretty terrible. Big sister was up all
day and all through the night, forcing herself to read every word.
When I came to check on her in the morning, I found her on the
floor, like that," she said, indicating the lawn where Natsume had
been so recently writhing. "Ever since then, she's been vulnerable
to bad poetry."
Genma coughed violently and mopped the sweat from his brow. Tendou
Soun looked rather thoughtful. "Well," he said. "Every great
martial artist has a secret weakness, I suppose."
Nabiki smirked. "So all it takes is a little bad verse, and you're
history," she observed. "Hmm...
Pointy birds, pointy, pointy,
Anoint my head, anointy-nointy..."
Natsume's legs kicked out from under her, one snapping straight
while the other flailed like a loose garden hose. She grabbed onto
the support beam and clenched her jaw tight.
"Nabiki!" Kurumi shouted accusingly.
Nabiki held up her hands in a gesture of innocence. "Just testing!
Sorry!"
"No! You don't understand," Kurumi said desperately. "Natsume didn't just read the book once. She
was determined to delve into our father's mind, so she read it over and over again."
"Hmm. This seems familiar somehow..." Nabiki mused aloud.
"Can it be, Saotome-kun?" Soun asked worriedly.
"Ahh, heh-heh, let's not try and find out, Tendo-kun." Genma laughed nervously.
Yes! Coming in Chapter 12 - Kuno unleashes the dreaded Bad Poetry Fu! :)
In fact, Ranma-chan had hoped she'd be able to save this particular
card to play if and when she tangled with the Reikoku for the third
time, rather than the second. It would have been awfully nice to
get it to waste its adaptive powers going into its fourth and final
incarnation, if matters came to that.
But since this is Ranma 1/2, things never proceed to plan.
Ranma-chan closed her eyes and tipped her head back ever so
slightly, gently sniffing the air. Even when the Reikoku was
dormant, it put off a nasty aura. She felt it almost immediately -
back in the direction of the river.
Wow! Ranma can smell auras! Now that's a sensitive nose. :)
I suggest using 'aroma' in place of 'aura', but that would jar with the next sentence.
The idea that she and the ninja chef had come up with was to make
dessert okonomiyaki. The batter would be sweetened with sugar, the
toppings would be mostly fruit, the sauces would be chocolate or
caramel or tasty fruit jam. But there were a lot of variables to
sort out, and Nabiki was definitely not going to invest a lot of
money in a new product if nobody would buy it.
Suggest 'kunoichi' instead of 'ninja'
Nabiki cleared her throat. "Uh... that must've been our
headmaster. I... didn't know he'd gotten back today. I would
have warned you."
What?! Nabiki out of the info loop? This can't be...
"Nabiki-san," the tall girl said in a voice like a sheet of hail.
Sheet? Sleet?
Even the thrill of battle had lost its savor. Maintaining his
position as undefeated champion of Junior Kendo took no more than
a tiny fraction of his prodigious skills. Foes fell to his blade
like stalks of grain before the reaper. What challenge could mere
children provide for one fit to vanquish giants? Yet all the worthy
foes had gone, leaving him with a string of empty victories, the
wine of triumph tainted by the bitter wormwood of apathy. He was
surprised to admit this to himself, but he actually missed the
presence of Saotome Ranma, against whom he might test his skill.
True, the sneering junior-classman was the worst sort of deviant
and moral reprobate, but he HAD been an adversary of merit on the
battlefield.
Not to mention that he continually beat the stuffing out of me, a tiny voice of rationality
gibbered deeply within the mind of his lost sanity. :)
This is one of the best scenes of Kuno that I've seen ever. Kudos!
Ban Daidu cut her off with a curt wave of the hand. "I think you
need to explain something to us, Kuonji Ukyou. I think you need to
tell us how your friend came to learn the bakusai ten-ketsu!"
Being the name of a technique, I'd suggest 'Bakusai Tenketsu'
"Ha, ha. You are paying for this call, you know. Do you really
have time to sit there and insult me?"
Suggest: 'You're paying...' or for emphasis 'You _are_ paying...'
The venerable warrior flicked a glance towards the smoldering
remains of the mechanical dragon. "Ling Ling, Lung Lung, don't
tell me you've been using that ridiculous trick again?"
'smouldering'?
I thoroughly enjoyed the fight scene between Ukyo and the Amazons. Very fun. :)
"Never mind that for now." Cologne's tone was strong and
authoritative, drawing Ukyou's attention away from Shampoo. "Best
if you tell me what you're doing here. Where's the gr... Ranma.
Is he hear?"
'here'
Cologne squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head slowly. "That
fool. That selfish fool. My girl, remember this always: there
is no creature in the world more dangerous than a man of
ambition."
Yes, there is: A ruthlessly kind person. :)
Whee! Longest chapter yet. This one was a challenge to do,
coming down off the dramatic high from Chapter 10 into a more
transitional period. One of my friends suggested to me that I
try writing on paper as opposed to on the computer, as a strategy
to circumvent writer's block. It actually worked quite well.
But does the style seem different now? Hmm.
Well, I've found that writing on paper often forces one to visualize the scene completely before
setting anything in pen, which definitely improves the story.
Read it, loved it, and I hope this helps.
Phil.