Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][Fanfic][Draft][Ranma] Kasumi 1/2-Chapter 4 (incomplete draft)
From: Thomas Hackwood
Date: 12/31/1999, 7:13 AM
To: RaeMowse@aol.com, ffml@fanfic.com

First of all, thank you for getting this out as soon as you did.

Now for the comments, from nastiest to nicest:

Ranma's fight with Akane has a few problems.  First it looks to be a continuation of the scene in chapters 2 and 3, but this time with more detail.  Akane is very cruel here, almost out of character.  Ranma's response was very good though, very frustrated with Akane, and very concerned for Kasumi.  Bottom line: it appears that fight between Ranma and Akane really hurt Ranma, and Akane has no clue how much damage she just did.

I had problems separating Ranma's thoughts from the flashbacks and the current argument with Akane.  If cut back on the number of thoughts, it may reduce my confusion somewhat.  Having read it four or five times, it makes perfect sense, but when I read it for the first time, it was very confusing.  The worst offenders were  "they are in love", "smashed him flat", and "already Akane's".

I found the paragraph regarding Ryuu Kumon and Mouko Kaimon Ha unnecessary for the story.  You could have just said that Ranma decapicated the practice dummy with no real loss to the story.

I think this chapter almost rates a Lime tag.

The dreams, while on their own are good, they don't always flow very well with the rest of the chapter.  My suggestion is to take the workout dream, cut it down to a paragraph or two.  Then take the whole dream and make it a side story.  This should have two effects on the chapter; first, it'll elminate the need of the Lime tag, second it will allow you to expand on the daydream further.

Just what is Ranma's feelings toward Kasumi?  There is an obvious physical attraction, but we don't get enough of his mental thought patterns.  At the end, he seems to feel the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he knows he is going to be hurt, and he will hurt others.  Judging by "I ain't gonna be like him, no way," he has made a decision to stay by Kasumi.  Ranma just did a serious bit of growing up.

Excellent shadowing with the flowers on Kasumi's door.

I think that the strongest writing in this chapter is towards the end, where Ranma and Kasumi are eating dinner after the bath scene.  The uneasiness between them comes through just fine; they both are getting very nervous around each other, and for the same reasons.

I'm hoping for a happy ending, and looking forwards to the complete version of chapter 4 and the start of chapter 5.

Wishing the writer block goes away....

Tom




-- 
               .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---.
               | Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com |
               | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com |
               |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject    |
               `---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'