First of all, thank you for getting this out as soon as you did.
Now for the comments, from nastiest to nicest:
Ranma's fight with Akane has a few problems. First it looks to be a
continuation of the scene in chapters 2 and 3, but this time with more
detail. Akane is very cruel here, almost out of character. Ranma's
response was very good though, very frustrated with Akane, and very
concerned for Kasumi. Bottom line: it appears that fight between Ranma and
Akane really hurt Ranma, and Akane has no clue how much damage she just did.
I had problems separating Ranma's thoughts from the flashbacks and the
current argument with Akane. If cut back on the number of thoughts, it may
reduce my confusion somewhat. Having read it four or five times, it makes
perfect sense, but when I read it for the first time, it was very
confusing. The worst offenders were "they are in love", "smashed him
flat", and "already Akane's".
I found the paragraph regarding Ryuu Kumon and Mouko Kaimon Ha unnecessary
for the story. You could have just said that Ranma decapicated the
practice dummy with no real loss to the story.
I think this chapter almost rates a Lime tag.
The dreams, while on their own are good, they don't always flow very well
with the rest of the chapter. My suggestion is to take the workout dream,
cut it down to a paragraph or two. Then take the whole dream and make it a
side story. This should have two effects on the chapter; first, it'll
elminate the need of the Lime tag, second it will allow you to expand on
the daydream further.
Just what is Ranma's feelings toward Kasumi? There is an obvious physical
attraction, but we don't get enough of his mental thought patterns. At the
end, he seems to feel the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he
knows he is going to be hurt, and he will hurt others. Judging by "I ain't
gonna be like him, no way," he has made a decision to stay by
Kasumi. Ranma just did a serious bit of growing up.
Excellent shadowing with the flowers on Kasumi's door.
I think that the strongest writing in this chapter is towards the end,
where Ranma and Kasumi are eating dinner after the bath scene. The
uneasiness between them comes through just fine; they both are getting very
nervous around each other, and for the same reasons.
I'm hoping for a happy ending, and looking forwards to the complete version
of chapter 4 and the start of chapter 5.
Wishing the writer block goes away....
Tom