"It's right here in the copy of the Necronomicon which
belonged to the Whatley family. Be careful with it; it's in bad
shape. I believe old Wizard Whateley misinterpreted this
passage, which is what led him to his ill-fated human-Outer God
breeding experiments."
sp. Whateley family
and besides they didn't own a copy of the Necronomicon,
which was why Wilbur got killed trying to steal the
Miskatonic copy in 'The Dunwich Horror'. then again, this
is an elseworld.
Gendo nodded. "We cannot be too cautious as we move
towards the culmination of our plans." He stroked his beard for
a moment. "I can't think of anything else vaguely ominous to
say."
now *that's* really ominous.
Shinji often found the Christmas season depressing, but
this was mainly because Shinji could get depressed by winning a
million dollar sweepstakes. He had decided to perk himself up
by playing 'Enter Sandman' on his cello, which always made him
feel better.
'Enter Sandman' on a cello - this, i have got to see.
"o/~ Exit light; enter night o/~" he sang along with
himself as Rei appeared before him, startling him. "Geez, I hate
it when you do that."
at least she does it without a puff of smoke.
"Umm...you should put up a tree and decorate it. You leave
out milk and cookies for Santa to eat..."
"Satan?"
Shinji shook his head.
"No, Santa. Not my dad."
"Well, it's also pretty fun. You have a nice tree to make the
apartment look better, you get drunk off your ass, you get a lot of
nice presents, and you sing a bunch of songs. It's an excuse for a
wild party and getting and giving a lot of nice stuff."
Rei nodded. "Thank you. Where is Langely?"
sp. Langley
"A Red Ryder BB gun," Shinji said. It was his dream for many
years to finally get one, but his aunt and uncle had never been
willing to get him one. They always said...
i thought the Red Ryder was an air rifle...
does anyone else remember Wasteland?
loved those giant radioactive bunnies and
carrots that you made canoes out of.
"I can pilot a giant robot, but you don't think I can handle a BB
gun?" he asked in disbelief.
"BB guns are dangerous. Kids poke their eyes out with them all
the time. You can't poke your eye out with an EVA because you're
inside it."
"Alright, fine then, no BB gun," said Shinji. "So, Misato-san... do you
want to be bitten to death by snakes or spiders?" he added casually.
o/~ Gendo got run over by a reindeer, walking home from the
Geofront Christmas Eve. You may not say there's no such thing as
Santa, but as for me and Pen-Pen, we believe o/~ the children sang.
He recognized the red hair of the most obnoxious and least useful of
the Children, Asuka Langely.
sp. Langley
Ritsuko extracted a thermos bottle from her labcoat pocket.
She opened it and poured a cupful of milky liquid with a sweet scent
like honey into the tree's stand. She then carefully closed the
bottle. "That should help it."
"What the heck was that?" Misato asked.
"We'll be marketing it soon to raise money for the Research
branch," Ritsuko said. "It's another derivative from our LCL
research. I call it 'Unholy Miracle-Gro'."
and to think we're worried about genetically modified food.
Misato, who would still make a good ghost said, "Interesting. It's
a spider web, right?"
Shinji twitched. "A snowflake."
"Hmm. Looks a lot more like a spider web to me."
Shinji didn't want to hear that.
Shinji sat in his cavern brooding the insults of yesteryear. Who was
going to die today? He smiled evilly. Misato-san had dared to call
his snowflake a spider web. He would arrange a sufficiently ironic
end for his dear guardian...
"Where is Langely?" Rei asked Shinji when she didn't see Asuka
at school the next day.
sp. Langley
"Oh, we'll be fine," Asuka said with the exact same confident
tome the commander of the Light Brigade had hailed his troops with
at Baklava. And with about as much justification.
Cannons to the left,
Cannons to the right,
Into the jaws of Rei... urm... death
rode Asuka Langely... nowaitaminute... Langley
Rei scribbled this down. "What is 'commercialism'?"
Ritsuko made a mental note to give Rei a dictionary for
Christmas.
"At last!" cackled Book Rei. The rest of the Council of
Ayanami stared at her - except Lazy who was, surprise
surprise, asleep.
"The Chair recognises Affectionate," said Original.
"Can't we manipulate Ritsuko into getting us the Kama Sutra
instead?" asked Affectionate Rei.
Apologies to Andrew Huang.
And if you don't know where that came from, greetings and welcome
to the planet Earth! I'll take you to our leader shortly.
After a bit of thought, she realized NERV would likely be in
trouble if any Angels attacked before January 1, as they couldn't
afford little things like paying for the electricity they used
powering the EVAs. But surely the Angels would take the holiday
season off. Yeah, no worries, she thought.
Credit card companies, on the other hand, tended to be
relentless, implacable, and unforgiving. I'm doomed, she thought.
"Scramble the Evas! The Angels of Amex, Visa and Mastercard have
appeared!" shouted Misato.
"Ikari," whispered Fuyutsuki, "aren't they supposed to come one
at a time?"
"Not if you used one to rollover last month's bill with the
others," replied Gendou.
No one was in the living room when she arrived. I am the
luckiest girl alive, she thought. Pen-Pen came out of the fridge and
started jumping up and down waving his arms wildly. "What's
wrong," she asked?
punc. she asked.
Saddly, he was not Lassie, though fortunately, Timmy wasn't
down the well, either. After a few minutes of charades, she got the
vague idea that Misato and Shinji had gone looking for something.
"What are they looking for?"
sp. Sadly,
She opened the door, and saw Asuka and Rei seated next to
each other on the bed,
the latter was smoking a cigarette while the former looked humbled
and humiliated.
"This isn't what it looks like," said Asuka weakly.
"Did that help?" Asuka asked Rei.
"Yes." Rei picked up her guitar and songbooks and left.
Asuka didn't realize until later that Rei had carried the Bible off
with her either.
word choice: with her as well.
The other big problem was 'failing to care about your fellow
man', which she'd calculated she'd racked up over 5,000 instances of
in a single year. They were only two points each, but that added up
to serious demerits. She counted herself lucky that 'failing to care
about your fellow woman' or 'wanting to eviscerate Langely' were not
categories in the rules.
sp. Langley
This was not looking good, as she was running out of good things
and not coming close to meeting her deficit. Then she came to the 2014
Addendum. The category 'Killing Horrors from beyond Space and Time'
had been added. 15,000 points each, except Rhan-Tegoth, who was only
worth 5 points due to being pathetic. Too bad for Langely, Rei thought.
sp. Langley
Hmm, if I kill Langely, I lose 5,000 points for 'Cold Blooded
Murder of a Co-Worker', which would drop me down to 'Holier than Thou',
Rei thought. She contemplated it, then decided to try to keep her Saint
status, since according to the sheet, it meant she could have one wish
sp. Langley
granted this year, if she got it in to Santa before the sun set on
December 24. She could kill Langely after Christmas, when it would
go on next year's total.
sp. Langley
i just luurve the way Rei is written in CoaEG.
The tree was starting to crack the ceiling as it grew, standing
vigilant guard over the tree.
did you mean 'standing vigilant guard over the presents.'?
He began to laugh maniacally, at least until a cockroach fell off
the ceiling into his mouth.
"Needs salt," he said, after he swallowed it.
TO: Spineless@Nerv.com
FROM: Creepy@Nerv.com
BWAHAHAAA!!!
guess who?
Bastard@Nerv.com
Squint@Nerv.com
Drunk@Nerv.com
IloveMisato@Nerv.com
NoRazor@Nerv.com
BlondeAmbition@Nerv.com
IloveRitsuko@Nerv.com
Shinji wondered briefly where they were going to keep all the stuff
once they unwrapped it.
wherever Asuka keeps her endless piles of junk.
The sun set, proving this wasn't the British Empire.
my lecturer told us that when he was a little boy (and when the
British Empire still existed) he was always very proud of that
phrase 'the sun never set on the British Empire' - until someone
told him it was because God didn't trust the British in the dark.
"If you don't do it, I'll have to have Rei eat your brain raw,"
Gendo said. "You will obey."
"You wouldn't eat my brain, would you, Rei?" Asuka asked
nervously.
"Not raw."
"With red wine sauce and some nice falafel beans." Rei then proceeded
to make quick nibbling/slurping noises while maintaining her passive
facade.
"Alright, own up, who rented 'Silence of the Lambs' for Rei?" asked
Gendou.
Being a tidy eater, the tree avoided getting any gore on the
presents, and drank the beer cans lying nearby just so they wouldn't
go to waste. And then it went back to sleep.
i actually burst out laughing.
i think i need help.
and oh, how do you drink a beer can?
"BRING ME HIS HEAD ON A PLATE!" Gendo shouted.
Misato stared at the viewscreen. "That's Santa Claus."
At least it isn't Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo.
Two of the men began wrapping Gendo in a straitjacket. "You've
been a naughty boy. Off to the Charles Dexter Ward for the Mentally
Deranged with you. And you'll be getting coal in your stocking again.
And a copy of the King in Yellow.
He gurgled, and batted at her ear again, and he smiled, blissfully
unaware of the things she had done with the same hands that held him
gently. For the hands that had slain and rent and torn were the same
hands that could be used for healing and mending and holding, if that
was what she intended to do. Whatever she might have done, he did not
care, not now, perhaps not ever. He accepted her in the way that only
the truly innocent can. For a moment, she wished she could sit and hold
him forever.
the child scene was... very moving.
Author's Afterword: I hope you enjoyed this entirely silly thing. Merry
Christmas and a Happy New Years!!!
I certainly did!
Seasons greetings and Happy New Year!
EeL