Greets. :)
I don't have any real specific nitpicks, other than the odd spelling
or grammar error. One you seem to have throughout the chapters I've read is
a problem maintaining the right tense for the story - it slips back and
forth between present-tense (has, is, does) and past-tense (had, was, did).
Since the majority of the fic is in past-tense, I'm assuming that's what you
had in mind while writing it. I'd suggest going over it and fixing those -
they're sprinkled throughout the three chapters posted.
Another VERY big change I'd suggest is to re-do part of the story...
namely, the way you reveal the situation to the reader. Personally, I was
confused as hell and not too terribly interested after the first chapter - I
only continued because I'm kinda bored at the moment. ;) However, if you
were to rewrite it so the current flashback scenes in 2 and 3 were the start
of the story, rather than a sort of flashback, I think the whole think would
flow a lot better and make for more tension and a more gripping story. As
is, my first thought upon reading the line where Kasumi says "You're the
only one I've slept with" was 'Huh? What did I miss?'
Finally, I'd either stop shifting viewpoints so much OR stop
reviewing the scenes from a different characters viewpoint UNLESS it is
absolutely necessary. I found myself skimming a large portion of 3 because
it's merely Ranmas thoughts while the same events happen as just happened to
Kasumi. If you're going to recreate events, then I'd describe them
differently enough that it would seem like a new scene, rather than a replay
of what just happened. One other technique that I've seen used (can't
remember where) is to switch back and forth rapidly between the two
characters viewpoints while the scene is occuring. This can be tricky to
pull off, but reads well if done right and is very handy for thoughts.
All in all, I kinda like this piece, although I do think it needs
some work. Good luck!
Brian Payne
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com
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