Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
AN IDIOTIC Y2K PARANOIA SPECIAL:
(Celebrate the stupidity!)
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy
where the shadow of Kiryuu Touga is seen inside. Touga is
staring at the clock that is hanging on the far elevator wall.
How or why the clock is there isn't known. The Sunlit Garden
plays faintly in the background.
TOUGA: (Stares at the clock.) In one day the millennium shall
arrive and I, the magnificent Kiryuu Touga will still be trapped
inside of this infernal elevator. But this hardly matters because
if my beliefs are correct then the world shall be brought to a
terrible end by the ultimate evil itself.
(There is a long pause of silence and after a moment Touga
shrugs and plops down to sit on the floor of the elevator.)
TOUGA: (Turns to gaze at his laptop computer.) Ah well, at
least I have my precious online porn to hold me over until the
apocalypse arrives.
SCENE: The Fencing Club. Arisugawa Juri stands outside of
it and stares at where a wall used to be, it having been torn
down recently so her fat fencing club followers could get out
of the club and go to the hospital to get liposuctions. The
Sunlit Garden plays faintly in the background.
JURI: (Sighs heavily.) What sort of dojo is missing a wall?
(Juri is still pondering her partially wall-less dojo when she
notices the figure of Tenjou Utena walking past. Utena has
another <shudders> frilly dress on and is holding a huge pile
of packages. She's obviously been shopping.)
JURI: (Looks up.) If it's obvious she's been shopping then
why did you just write it there?
AUTHOR: (Sweatdrops.) Sorry, Juri-sama, I was just
making sure that the reader knew.
JURI: (Annoyed. Hands on her hips.) Of course they knew!
They're not an idiot you know! (Pauses.) Although I have to
question the sanity of anyone who reads this fic.
AUTHOR: (Coughs nervously.) Me too, Juri-sama.
JURI: (Groans.) Stop with the Juri-sama stuff already.
AUTHOR: (Squeaks.) Yes, Juri-sama!
JURI: (Groans again. Mutters.) Stupid author...
(Deciding to ignore the dinky author, as is her right since Juri
is a woman of clear intelligence--)
JURI: (Erupts.) Stop sucking up!
(Yet another nervous cough sounds before the fic returns to
describing the inane scene before us.)
JURI: (Looks up. Irritated.) Well? Are you going to describe
the scene or not? I don't have all day here.
AUTHOR: (Cringes.) But I think I already did.
JURI: (Rolls her eyes in exasperation.) For the Kami's sake!
I'll just get this fic moving on my own then. (She stalks over to
Utena who is buried under her pile of packages.) So what
exactly are you doing with all of this stuff anyway, Utena?
UTENA: (Muffled reply.) I went out to buy some new
clothes. I'm going to start the millennium off right by making
sure that I win my Prince's love completely.
JURI: (Skeptical.) New clothes are going to help you do that?
(Pauses to think.) What sort of clothes did you buy?
UTENA: (Her blue eyes peer over the top of a box.) The
kind that will make my Prince rise and salute. The kind that
are made out of tight black leather and have holes in all the
right places. The kind that come with free whips.
(A long pause of uncomfortable silence fills the air.)
JURI: (Rubs her forehead.) I'm just going to pretend that I
never heard those words leave your mouth.
SCENE: The bowels of hell. It's very dark, hot, and for some
reason smells like the perfume, CK1. Takatsuki Shiori is seen
sitting and a table playing a friendly game of cards with Satan.
The Sunlit Garden (who knows why) plays faintly in the
background.
SATAN: (Ominously.) Go fish.
SHIORI: (Nods.) You're a tough one, Lucifer.
SATAN: (Chuckles.) I'm not called the master of evil for
nothing you know.
SHIORI: (Picks a card.) Ace of spades?
SATAN: (Twitches slightly but then a card he's holding
mysteriously burns into ash. He smiles.) Go fish.
SHIORI: (Suspiciously.) Did you just burn the ace of spades?
SATAN: (Tries to sound innocent.) Would I do that?
SHIORI: (Narrows her eyes.) Yes.
(The scene pauses as Satan and Shiori have a stare down.)
SATAN: (Drops his cards.) Okay, okay! I burned the card!
Jeez, you really know how to guilt trip a guy, don't you?
SHIORI: (Smugly smiles.) Of course, that's how I get all of
my men into my clutches.
SATAN: (Dryly.) Only all of your men? What about all of
your women? Lets not forget about them.
SHIORI: (Scowls.) I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm only interested in men. You must realize that. I mean, you
are my dark lord.
SATAN: (Gives a light snicker.) So you say. But somehow I
think that's only because you made a huge mistake of blowing
off the one woman that you would truly want to possess.
SHIORI: (Grumbles.) It's not nice to gloat.
SATAN: (Shrugs.) Sue me, it's my job not to be nice.
Anyway, you won't have much to grumble about for long
because I've decided to let you go back to the surface.
SHIORI: (Eyes widen.) You have?! (She pauses to frown
then says.) You want something in exchange, don't you?
SATAN: (Smirks.) Good guess, my evil one. Yes, I do want
something but it's something that I think that you'll enjoy. I'll let
you go back to the surface but only if you destroy Ohtori.
SHIORI: (Blinks.) Why do you want to destroy Ohtori?
SATAN: (Face darkens.) Lets just say that someone who
hurt me very much lives there and I'd like to have my
vengeance.
SHIORI: (Nods.) You got dumped, huh?
SATAN: (Blusters.) The ruler of ultimate darkness does not
get dumped! It just happens it was a mutual break up.
SHIORI: (Nods.) So you got dumped.
SATAN: (Scowls then pauses to mutter.) Yeah.
SHIORI: (Pats Satan on the shoulder.) Don't worry, it
happens to the most evil of us all. Besides, just like you said
I'll gladly destroy Ohtori for you and them with it.
SATAN: (Sobs on Shiori's shoulder.) Thank you so much!
SHIORI: (Comforts Satan.) It's no problem. (She pauses then
asks slowly.) So, want to tell me just who your ex is?
SCENE: A Fre... err... Japanese hospital. Ohtori Akio is now
out of his full body cast that he had to wear because the
dubiously named Akio car went flying off a cliff and caused a
large explosion. For some reason he's still wearing a purple
wig. The Sunlit Garden plays faintly in the background.
AKIO: (Sneezes loudly and blinks.) Bless me.
SCENE: The catacombs of Ohtori Academy. The figure of
Kaoru Miki is seen slumped in a lazyboy recliner. The entire
room is filled with clocks ticking in eerie synchronization. The
far side of the room has a stereo system that keeps playing the
Sunlit Garden on repeat. Miki is busy eating ding dong after
ding dong. He now has a huge pot belly stomach. Standing in
front of the door is his sister, Kaoru Kozue. The Sunlit
Garden plays faintly in the background.
KOZUE: (Sounds almost motherly.) All right, Miki. I'm going
out now but I'll be back soon. Try not to eat all of your ding
dongs and drink the last of your booze until then.
MIKI: (Drinks his Colt 45. Slurred tones.) Just get your fat
ass outta here already, beeatch! I don't wanna see your ugly
face around my catacombs unless you got more snack cakes!
KOZUE: (Twitches.) Right... so I'll see you later.
MIKI: (Bellows.) Just get outta here before I gotta get up and
kick your ass outta here!
(Miki then hurls his empty Colt 45 bottle at Kozue but she
closes the door just in time and it smashes against it.)
MIKI: (Burps. Slurred tones.) That's what I thought.
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy
where the shadow of Kiryuu Touga is seen inside. Touga is
busy on his laptop computer downloading more online porn.
The Sunlit Garden plays faintly in the background.
TOUGA: (Gives a strange perverted chuckle.) Oh yes, that's
what I want to see. Beautiful bodies all in the buff.
(As Touga focuses on his porn intently, a huge gust of wind
suddenly hits the elevator, causes it to shake slightly and him
to slide around a bit. During this, Touga accidentally bumps
his laptop computer and it falls out of the elevator.)
TOUGA: (Watches in horror as the laptop falls towards the
ground.) NO!!! My precious, precious, porn! (He leaps out
of the elevator after it.) I'll save you!!
SCENE: The ground by the nondescript broken elevator at
Ohtori Academy. Takatsuki Shiori pops up in a cloud of dark
smoke that smells of the perfume, CK1. The Sunlit Garden
plays faintly in the background.
SHIORI: (Looks around.) Ha ha! Satan did it! I've returned
to the surface and soon Juri-sama shall be mine and Ohtori
will be completely destroyed as is the will of my dark lord!
(As Shiori begins her long and evil sounding bad guy patented
laugh, the sound of shouting meet her ears. She looks up and
sees a laptop computer heading for her.)
SHIORI: (Catches the computer. Blinks.) Since when have
computers started falling out of the sky? (Loud shouts once
again meet her ears and Shiori looks up to see Touga falling
towards her with a manic look on his face.)
TOUGA: (Shouts maniacally.) Give me back my porn!
(With a loud thud, Touga lands on Shiori, squashing her
completely. Somehow his computer escapes unharmed.)
TOUGA: (Groans. Mutters.) My porn... how do you fare?
SHIORI: (Grumbles from under Touga.) Who cares about
your stupid porn! Just get off of me already!
TOUGA: (Gets off of Shiori but glares at her.) What do you
mean who cares about porn? Everyone who is normal cares
about porn! I don't know what sort of person you are-- (He
studies Shiori closely.) Aren't you dead?
SHIORI: (Sniffs.) That's old news. I've come back.
TOUGA: (Eyes gleam and he murmurs wisely.) Ah, I see. It's
you who is to bring our ultimate doom. Very well then, I look
forward to seeing what terrors you shall bring before us.
SHIORI: (Blinks.) But how can you know that I've been sent
here to destroy Ohtori? Are you a servant of Satan too?
TOUGA: (Chuckles suavely.) Hardly. I've long outgrown my
little obsession with him and moved onto better things.
SHIORI: (Skeptically.) Such as?
TOUGA: (Grabs his computer.) Online porn, of course!
(Shiori can only blink at this and dimly watch as Touga
focuses back on downloading more of his precious online
porn. But then she gains a frightening gleam in her eyes and
sidles up to Touga and whispers in his ear.)
SHIORI: (Sounds very evil.) I'm impressed with how
comfortable you seem to be with the apocalypse that is
impending us all. But I wonder... do you know about the
plans my master has made for destroying all computers?
TOUGA: (Head jerks up.) What did you say?
SHIORI: (Smiles.) Satan is planning to bring complete chaos
to the world by destroying all the computer network systems.
This will cause countless destruction. Planes will crash, riots
will occur, and millions will die. (Pauses dramatically.) And all
of your precious online porn will be destroyed.
TOUGA: (Shrieks in horror.) NOOO!!! Not my porn!
SHIORI: (Smiles evilly.) Yes, your porn. But there is one way
that you can stop it all from happening.
TOUGA: (Clutches onto Shiori's waist.) How?! Tell me how!
I can't let my precious porn be destroyed! I can't!
SHIORI: (Still smiling evilly.) Then you must do what I say. In
order to save your porn you should go around Ohtori and
spread panic about the upcoming apocalypse. Only through
an all campus riot and the insanity caused by it will all of your
precious porn be insured protection from being destroyed.
TOUGA: (Rises to his feet and tucks his laptop computer
under his arm. Says with determination.) Very well! I'll cause
a campus wide riot in order to save my porn!
(Touga runs off with his laptop under his arm shouting about
his porn and causing riots all over Ohtori to save it.)
SHIORI: (Smiles evilly once again.) Excellent.
SCENE: The East Hall dorms. Himemiya Anthy is standing
out on the balcony and looking up at the sky. Her purple hair
blows in the wind and her emerald eyes seem to glow in the
dimming light of day. It makes for an eerie scene. The Sunlit
Garden plays faintly in the background.
ANTHY: (Shivers a bit.) Something wicked this way comes.
The last time I had a feeling like this the world faced a fate of
certain destruction. I wonder, could it be the same fate now?
(There is a long pause as Anthy considers this.)
ANTHY: (Shrugs and sounds carefree.) Of course not! Fate
only happens once and besides, who ever heard of something
like the world ending on the year two thousand anyway? The
millennium doesn't really hit until two thousand and one. We
still have a year left before we burn in the bowels of hell.
(Anthy is about to say something more when Touga goes
running past at top speeds on the street below.)
TOUGA: (Rants at the top of his lungs.) The world will end
and it shall be brought about by Bill Gates... I mean, Satan!!
Run in panic everyone! Do what you want! Live while you
can and make sure that you destroy a whole bunch of stuff
while you do it!!
ANTHY: (Watches Touga run off.) Bill Gates is bringing the
apocalypse early, is he? (Her green eyes light up in a very
scary manner and she purrs.) Well, if the end is truly near then
there's one thing that I must do if I want to die happy and at
complete peace with the world.
(Turning on her heel, Anthy strides inside of the dorm room
she shares with Utena and pulls open their large closet. She
ignores the various large balloon animals that she stole from
several floats and pulls out a slinky cocktail dress.)
ANTHY: (Smile slyly and holds the dress to her chest.) I have
to make sure that I finally free Utena-sama from the terrible
hold that my satanic brother has over her before the
apocalypse finally arrives.
SCENE: The Fencing Club. Arisugawa Juri is standing
outside of it with Tenjou Utena. Out of nowhere, Utena
shudders violently and Juri notes this curiously. The Sunlit
Garden plays faintly in the background.
JURI: (Tones of understanding.) Got a sudden chill, huh?
UTENA: (Nods.) Yeah, I just got this creepy feeling from out
of nowhere. Like something bad is going to happen to me.
(Pauses to mull over this.) I wonder why?
JURI: (Shrugs.) Who knows? There are certainly plenty of
things at this campus that would give anyone the chills.
UTENA: (Sighs quietly.) Got that right.
(Utena looks like she's about to say something more when she
screams loudly before running away at a mammoth pace. Juri
watches this is in shock but then turns in the direction Utena
was looking in and sees Touga. The other girl's abrupt
departure begins to make more sense to her.)
TOUGA: (Walks up to Juri. His eyes narrow a bit but he
remains his usual suave and charming self.) Juri-san.
JURI: (Eyes Touga casually. Dry tones.) Touga.
(There is a long pause where the only thing that can be heard
is the Sunlit Garden STILL playing in the background.)
TOUGA: (Coughs then straightens up.) Well, as much as I'd
love to hold a grudge against you for leaving me trapped in
that elevator I'm afraid I can't. I need your help.
JURI: (Drolly.) Is that so?
TOUGA: (Nods solemnly.) Yes, it is. I need your help for a
mission of the utmost importance.
JURI: (Suspicious tones.) You haven't gotten a letter from
End of the World, have you? Because I haven't.
TOUGA: (Scoffs.) This is more important than End of the
World! This is a matter of life and death itself, Juri-san!
JURI: (Quirks an eyebrow.) All right, Touga. You've got me
curious. What exactly do you need my help for?
TOUGA: (Leans close to Juri and says in a very ominous
voice.) I need you to help me locate my girl groupies.
(There's a long pause as Juri sweatdrops.)
JURI: (Twitches in annoyance.) That's it?
TOUGA: (Nods solemnly.) That's it.
JURI: (Starts to erupt but contains herself. Instead she turns
stiffly on her heel and walks away.) Fine. Just follow me and
I'll take you to your girl groupies.
TOUGA: (Excitedly follows after Juri.) Oh happy day!
SCENE: A very nonexistent line at some Fre... err... Japanese
movie theater. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko and
B-ko along with Saionji Kyouichi are oddly missing. The
Sunlit Garden plays faintly in the background.
(There is only the sound of passing cars and various people
talking as they walk past on the street. The guy at the ticket
booth anxiously notes that the scene has begun.)
TICKET BOOTH GUY: (Nervous.) Sorry, about that! I
didn't see you there. (Coughs a bit.) Anyway, they finally went
inside the theater to see the movie. If you want to hear from
them you'll have to come back in a half an hour or so. (Slight
pause.) What? Is the movie any good? (Thinks on this.)
Well... it depends on whether or not you agree with
compression of storyline and characterization alterations.
(Nods his head.) Yeah, I agree. Juri does rule.
SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually
timely and frequent sunset. The figures of Shadow Play Girl
C-ko and Shinohara Wakaba are seen. The Sunlit Garden
plays faintly in the background.
WAKABA: (Snickers.) So they're finally seeing that dumb
movie, huh? I thought they'd never get out of that line.
C-KO: (Ponders.) But if they're not standing in line then won't
they want their wall back? Then I'll have to move.
WAKABA: (Eyes narrow.) Well, they're not getting their wall
back! I've set this up as the base of my operations and I'm not
leaving without a fight!
C-KO: (Repeats dimly.) Your base of operations?
WAKABA: (Fierce tones.) Hell yeah, my base of operations!
This is where all of my sugar addicted customers are used to
coming to get their daily fix! I can't move, it'd confuse them!
C-KO: (Low tones.) Those most be some pretty stupid
customers if they can't manage to find you on this campus.
WAKABA: (Sharply.) What did you just say?
C-KO: (Nervous squeak.) Nothing, I said nothing!
WAKABA: (Stares at C-ko suspiciously.) Right. Anyway,
I'm not moving and nothing can ever change my mind.
C-KO: (Skeptically.) Nothing?
WAKABA: (Nods. Dark tones.) Nothing.
C-KO: (Smiles slowly.) Not even money?
WAKABA: (Falters.) Okay, so maybe some things.
C-KO: (Sounds triumphant.) That's what I thought.
WAKABA: (Grumbles.) You don't have to gloat about it.
C-KO: (Shrugs.) Hey, don't blame me. I hardly get a chance
to be the clever or slightly mean one. This is happens to be an
excellent opportunity for me to give my character actual
depth.
WAKABA: (Snorts.) Depth? Not in this series.
SCENE: Some random field in Ohtori. Sitting amongst the
flowers with a large group of kawaii animals and Chu Chu is
Kiryuu Nanami. She's wearing a crown of daisies on her head
and is humming Enter Sandman by Metallica. The Sunlit
Garden plays faintly in the background.
NANAMI: (Humming still. Looks up.) Oh, hello! I didn't
notice you standing there. You took me by surprise.
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Emerges from the shadows that it
always lurks in and sweatdrops.) Err, don't you think that
you're taking this ultra kawaii plan of ours a little too far?
NANAMI: (Gives a kawaii blink.) What do you mean?
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Squints at Nanami. Gasps.) No!
Don't tell me that you actually fell for your own act and now
you really believe that you're naturally kawaii!
NANAMI: (Looks kawaii-ly confused. Picks up a random
daisy and hands it to the Shadowy Figure.) I'm not sure what
you're talking about but aren't the flowers pretty?
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Shudders.) This is horrible. My plan
has somehow backfired and now you're more irritating than a
heroin addicted Jigglypuff. The Master won't be pleased with
this at all. (Pauses, sounds horrified.) In fact, he might even
punish me for this failure! (Gulps.) Yes, I think that when he
finds out he's definitely going to punish me. (Starts backing
away from Nanami slowly.) Which is why I'm going to start
running right now and hide from his terrible, terrible, wrath.
(The Shadowy Figure flees in a puddle of shadows which
always seems to follow him everywhere. Nanami watches this
in confusion before she turns to her kawaii animals.)
NANAMI: (Kawaii-ly confused.) I don't know of any
Jigglypuff who are addicted to heroin, do you?
(The kawaii animals all shake their head no.)
SCENE: The Kiryuu Mansion. The girl groupies who worship
Touga are busy making a huge hundred foot statue of him on
the front lawn. Arisugawa Juri and Kiryuu Touga make their
way up the walk and stare at the statue. The Sunlit Garden
plays faintly in the background.
TOUGA: (Sounds pleased.) Ah, this is truly a proper and
right form of respect for me. (Calls out.) My hopelessly
devoted followers! I have returned to you! Come, and
worship me as you've longed to do for centuries!
(The girl groupies turn and release a simultaneous squeal of
excitement before they all go rushing towards Touga. They
pile on top of him and soon Touga disappears from view as
he's totally covered with girls.)
JURI: (Sweatdrops.) Why did I bring him here, again?
(Pauses and mutters.) Oh yeah, I remember. It was in the
script. (Grumbles.) Stupid author...
TOUGA: (Frees himself from the girl groupies.) We don't
have time for this now, my lovelies! I have something very
important to tell you! (The girl groupies reluctantly get off
Touga and stare at him with adoring eyes. Touga clears his
throat before he continues.) Being alone in that elevator has
given me a lot of time to think and I've found that my heart is
leading my elsewhere. I know my true calling and I'm afraid
that it's one that will take me away from you.
(The girl groupies begin to wail at this but Touga holds up his
hand and they immediately become silent.)
TOUGA: (Sounds sad.) I know the pain that this will cause
you is great but I must follow my heart. I have to do what I
know will make me happiest.
GIRL GROUPIE #245,901: (Sobs.) Why must you leave us
Touga-sempai? What could possibly make you happier?
TOUGA: (Says in grand tones.) Online porn, of course!
(There is a long pause of complete and utter silence before all
the girl groupies gain manic looks in their eyes.)
GIRL GROUPIE #239: (Twitches.) You're leaving us for
online porn?
GIRL GROUPIE #1,982,008: (Twitches.) You would prefer
the blank and lifeless looks of unknown people on the
internet, who are for the most part superimposed, over flesh
and blood real girls who worship you?
TOUGA: (Blinks in confusion.) Yes. Does that seem odd?
ALL THE GIRL GROUPIES: (Roar.) Hentai betrayer!!
(The girl groupies start to rush at Touga who looks at them
with wide eyes but before they can reach him a loud thump is
heard and Touga falls forward to collapse on the ground. His
fall reveals that Juri is standing behind him with a frying pan in
her hand. How she got a frying pan is a mystery all in itself but
it's effectiveness is for certain as Touga is now knocked out.)
JURI: (Sniffs.) Baka. That's what you get for mistreating
ladies by trying to shape them into your ideal image and then
just tossing them aside. How could you ever want some
lifeless photo over real women? You make me sick.
(Juri is about to say something more but when she looks up
she notes, fearfully, that all of the girl groupies are looking at
her with hearts in their eyes. Swallowing a large lump in her
throat, Juri slowly backs away from them.)
JURI: (Sounds strangely nervous.) Now, now, girls. Lets
contain ourselves shall we? The last thing that you want to do
after getting out of one obsessive relationship is to enter into
another. What you need now is closure.
ALL THE GIRL GROUPIES: (Kawaii shout.) You're what
we need now, Juri-sama! We're devoting ourselves
completely to you! You'll be our new Sempai!!
(After hearing this, Juri's eyes go so wide they seem to
consume her entire head. She swiftly turns on her heel and
runs off into the distance but it's to no avail as her newfound
girl groupies are hot on her trail.)
JURI: (Wails.) Why me?! (Growls.) Stupid author!
SCENE: A very nonexistent line at some Fre... err... Japanese
movie theater. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko and
B-ko are seen along walking out of the theater along with
Saionji Kyouichi. The Sunlit Garden plays faintly in the
background.
B-KO: (Thoughtful.) Well, I liked it.
A-KO: (Nods.) Me too.
SAIONJI: (Puzzles.) I enjoyed it but why was my Kendoists
Anonymous and Men Who Obsess Too Much meeting held
in a movie theater anyway? And why were they showing
Utena movie, Adolescence Mokushiroku?
(A-ko and B-ko can only sweatdrop at this.)
SAIONJI: (Stops puzzling and scowls.) And more
importantly why do the writers always insist into making me
into some sort of asinine loser?
B-KO: (Smirks.) Because you are one?
SAIONJI: (Glares at B-ko.) Silence, wench.
B-KO: (Scowls.) What did you just call me?
SAIONJI: (Arrogant tones.) You heard me.
A-KO: (Groans.) Come on, you guys. Quit it. Why can't we
just have a nice day? I mean, we finally got to see the movie.
And I know you enjoyed it Saionji as much as you protest.
Seeing Anthy being so flirty with everyone must have been a
really big turn on for you.
SAIONJI: (Blusters.) Certainly, not! Anthy and I share a pure
love of the souls! Our bodies don't come into it at all!
B-KO: (Snorts.) And who would want to look at your body
anyway? (Slyly adds.) Besides Touga that is.
SAIONJI: (Turns red faced.) That only happened once!
(B-ko smirks again at this and is about to make yet another
rude comment when Utena comes barreling at them from out
of nowhere and crashes into Saionji.)
A-KO: (Blinks.) Well, that's one way to make an intro.
B-KO: (Droll tones.) Personally, I give her a five. I've seen
better entrances on the Miss Universe pageant.
SAIONJI: (Growls at Utena.) Get off of me, Tenjou!
UTENA: (Leaps off Saionji. Starts to apologize then sees just
who she crashed into.) Oh, it's only you.
SAIONJI: (Twitches.) What do you mean it's only me?! I
demand to know why exactly you just trampled me!
UTENA: (Folds her arms over her chest. Retorts.) I don't see
why I should tell you anything, Saionji.
SAIONJI: (Freaking out.) You don't see why?! Maybe
because you trampled me from out of nowhere! And that's
just one of the... (Saionji trails off as he notices Utena's attire.
He breaks into a loud fit of laughter as he shakily points a
finger at her.) Utena... in... a... frilly... dress!
UTENA: (Watches Saionji collapse from laughter.) I fail to
see what's so funny about what I'm wearing.
A-KO: (Slowly.) Uhm... Utena, I know I'm going to regret
asking you this, but why are you wearing a dress anyway?
UTENA: (Reverts to her kawaii self and bats her eyelashes as
she folds her hands against her chest.) I'm dressed like this so
I can finally win my Prince's love. I'll do anything to make him
mine and mine alone!
B-KO: (Blinks.) Right... (Whispers to A-ko.) She's lost it.
A-KO: (Solemnly nods.) I definitely have to agree.
UTENA: (Huffily.) First Juri-sama now you two. Why can't
anyone understand the brilliance of my plan?
B-KO: (Dryly.) Somehow just wearing frilly dresses that are
ultra feminine doesn't strike me as much of a plan.
UTENA: (Sniffs.) Of course not. This isn't my whole plan but
merely a stage in it. One of many stages to come.
A-KO: (Heaves a sigh.) All right, we give. Tell us the other
stages that you have planned.
UTENA: (Smiles smugly.) First I wear all of my frilly dresses,
then I perm my hair, then I drench myself in rose scented
perfume, and then I tie him to a chair and put on my
domantrix outfit before I spank him with paddles.
(There is a long pause of complete and utter silence as A-ko,
B-ko, and Saionji all try to comprehend Utena's plan. Before
they can even begin to formulate any kind of response, a long
black limo appears on the street in front of them. The window
lowers to reveal Himemiya Anthy. She wears a sly smile on
her beautiful features.)
ANTHY: (Purrs seductively.) There you are, Utena-sama.
I've missed you ever so. Won't you take a ride with me to the
beach so I can have a taste of your delicious fish?
(B-ko and A-ko groan at the bad lesbian subtext joke while
Saionji can only stare at Anthy with barely contained awe.
Utena merely wears a blank look on her face.)
UTENA: (Nonplused.) But I don't have any fish, Anthy. I
think they make bad pets and even if I had any pet fish it'd be
wrong to eat them like that. Wrong and kind of sick.
(Everyone within hearing range of Utena can only sweatdrop
for a response.)
SCENE: The catacombs of Ohtori Academy. The figure of
Kaoru Miki is seen slumped in a lazyboy recliner. The entire
room is filled with clocks all ticking in an eerie
synchronization. The far side of the room has a stereo system
that keeps playing the Sunlit Garden on repeat. Miki is busy
drinking Colt 45 and watching TV. The Sunlit Garden plays
faintly in the background.
MIKI: (Drinks his Colt 45. Watches TV.) Ah, this is the life.
Everything in perfect. My ass in my recliner and I got a beer in
my hand. Ain't nothing better than this.
(Miki takes another swig of his Colt 45 and focuses on the
TV which has now gone to commercial. It's a terribly lame
tampon commercial that has a mother walking on a beach
with her daughter and them talking about freshness.)
MIKI: (Pauses from drinking his Colt 45. Eyes narrow.)
What the hell? Is this some sort of family bonding crap?! I
don't wanna see this! I never walked on no beach with my
mother talking about tampons and freshness so why in the hell
should she?! It's just not fair! God dammit!
(In a state of who knows why rage, Miki hurls his Colt 45
bottle at a nearby grandfather clock. The clock tips over from
the blow and proceeds to smash the whole wall of ticking
clocks before it topples over on Miki's stereo system which
then falls on Miki's huge collection of wide screen televisions.
The televisions explode but not before they fall forward
towards Miki who watches in certain horror. There is a loud
thump and explosion but when the air clears we can see that
Miki is trapped underneath the televisions but doesn't seem to
be harmed. The fat that his body has gained from eating so
many ding-dongs managed to insulate him from any harm.
However, Miki's supply of ding-dongs and Colt 45 were also
lost in the disaster.)
MIKI: (Notes his situation in horror.) NOOO!!! My supply
of ding-dongs! My Colt 45! My clocks! My televisions! My
constant faint playing of the Sunlit Garden in the background!
NOOOOO!!! It can't all be gone!
SCENE: An isolated and spooky looking building in Ohtori
Academy. Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya stare at
Takatsuki Shiori who stands before them. The air smells
heavily of CK1. Out nowhere the Sunlit Garden stops playing
faintly in the background and a scream of utter agony can be
heard by all.
SHIORI: (Smiles slowly.) Ah, the pain of others. It is truly
music to my ears. How I delight in it.
MIKAGE: (Sweatdrops.) Right... (Coughs a bit.) So, what
exactly are you here for anyway, Takatsuki-san?
SHIORI: (Smiles again.) I need your help to destroy Ohtori.
It is the will and revenge of my dark lord for being dumped by
his ex who just happens to go here.
MIKAGE: (Looks at Mamiya.) I thought you said that you
had an amicable parting with him.
MAMIYA: (Protests.) We did! We parted ways of mutual
consent and he promised never to seek vengeance!
MIKAGE: (Huffily.) Somehow, I'm doubting that.
MAMIYA: (Hangs onto Mikage and wails bishonenly.) But
Mikage-kun! I swear that we parted amicably!
SHIORI: (Sweatdrops.) Err... actually, my dark lord isn't
after Mamiya-san at all. He's after someone else. Someone
far, far, worse than him. Perhaps the ultimate evil itself.
SCENE: The Upside Down Castle. Ohtori Akio is sitting in a
lazyboy recliner next to Dios who sits on his own. They're
staring at the big screen television in front of them. The Sunlit
Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
DIOS: (Turns to Akio.) ...
AKIO: (Nods solemnly.) Yes, I have to agree. There's just
something different about the Grinch Who Stole Christmas
this year. It somehow doesn't seem the same as usual.
SCENE: An isolated and spooky looking building in Ohtori
Academy. Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya stare at
Takatsuki Shiori who stands before them. The air smells
heavily of CK1. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in
the background.
MAMIYA: (Breathes a sigh of relief.) Thank goodness Satan
isn't seeking vengeance against me. I was worried for a minute
there. Weren't you, Mikage-kun?
MIKAGE: (Rubs the back of his head.) Yeah, I have to admit
that I was getting worried.
MAMIYA: (Coy tones.) And a bit jealous, ne?
MIKAGE: (Heaves a heavy sigh.) Mamiya-chan...
MAMIYA: (Hangs onto Mikage's arm and wears a rather
kawaii but still bishonen pout.) All right, all right, I'll stop
teasing you. But only if you give me a great big kiss.
SHIORI: (Irritated.) Wait until I leave before you guys get
into that, huh? Besides, we have work to do. You're going to
help me destroy Ohtori, remember?
MIKAGE: (Blinks.) When did we say that we were going to
do that?
MAMIYA: (Still hanging onto Mikage.) Yes, I agree with
Mikage-kun, I don't remember agreeing to that.
SHIORI: (Exasperated tones.) Well, agree to it already. I
have work to do here and I need your help.
MIKAGE: (Frowns.) But if we destroy Ohtori won't we be
destroyed along with it? I don't want that.
MAMIYA: (Hangs onto Mikage and whispers into his ear.)
Mikage-kun, don't you remember? We're phantasm figments
of the psyche. Nothing can hurt us.
MIKAGE: (It dawns on him.) Oh yeah...
SHIORI: (Eyes widen. Erupts.) You're what?!
MAMIYA: (Turns to Shiori.) We're phantasm figments of the
psyche. We don't really exist.
SHIORI: (Looks stunned.) But if you're phantasm figments
then you shouldn't be here. Does that mean that everything
happening now is a figment too? (Moans.) This is horrible!
Satan's going to punish me for this!
MIKAGE: (Sounds soothing.) There's no need to worry,
Takatsuki-san. We may be figments but we no longer make
everything a figment around us when we show up. We settled
that entire situation with the Anime Multiverse Guild a few
months back.
SHIORI: (Sniffles a bit.) So I'm really here and this is really
happening then? It's not a big phantasm figment?
MIKAGE: (Smiles gently. Touches Shiori's shoulder.) Exactly
right. This is all happening and you're really here.
SHIORI: (Eyes form tiny hearts.) Oh, Mikage-kun...
MIKAGE: (Still smiles gently.) Takatsuki-san...
MAMIYA: (Looks frighteningly possessive. Growls
threateningly.) You two better quit that right now or I'm going
to be forced to put the smack down!
(Shiori and Mikage immediately break from their very
dramatic scene and look embarrassed.)
MAMIYA: (Sniffs.) That's what I thought.
SHIORI: (Sweatdrops.) Sorry, I just got carried away there.
(Looks serious.) You'll both help me then?
MIKAGE: (Looks at Mamiya.) I don't know... honey?
MAMIYA: (Studies Mikage closely then slowly turns to
Shiori who looks at him with pleading eyes.) We might as
well. It's not like destroying Ohtori will hurt us.
SHIORI: (Squeals happily.) Thank you so much!
SCENE: Some random street in Ohtori. Tenjou Utena sits
inside of a plush limo with Himemiya Anthy draped on her as
she slowly unties the frilly bow that's on the front of the
hideously frilly dress that Utena has on. The Sunlit Garden no
longer plays faintly in the background.
UTENA: (Sighs.) Honestly, Anthy. If all you wanted was to
have a fun little romp with me then why didn't you just say so
instead of using strange subtextual remarks?
ANTHY: (Frowns as she continues to try and untie the frilly
bow but has no success.) Because I was trying to be clever,
Utena-sama. Something that never works with you.
UTENA: (Doesn't notice the insult.) Then maybe you should
just give it up and say what you want. It saves a lot of time
and frustration, you know.
(Getting irritated with the frilly bow, Anthy produces a pocket
knife from out of nowhere and cuts it off. Which finally gives
her ample access to Utena's chest. The only problem is Utena
is wearing her usual Ohtori boys school uniform underneath
the hideously frilly dress.)
ANTHY: (Heaves a very deep sigh.) Why me?
UTENA: (Blinks.) Why you, what, Anthy?
ANTHY: (Shakes her head.) Nothing, Utena-sama. You just
sit back and relax. I want to have some fun.
UTENA: (Carefree tones.) Okay, Anthy!
ANTHY: (Thinks to herself.) Once I have my way with
Utena-sama and she's weakened from the energy that she's
expended I'll use my powers to make her fall out of love with
that devil, Akio. I'll free her from his horrible evil grasp and
then Utena-sama will finally be mine and mine alone!
(Even the author is sweatdropping on hearing this statement
folks. And that's pretty damn bad.)
SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually
timely and frequent sunset. The figures of Shadow Play Girl
C-ko and Shinohara Wakaba are seen. Wakaba is munching
on a Snickers bar but pauses to look into the distance. The
Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
WAKABA: (Squints. Drawls.) Well, that's not something that
you see every day.
C-KO: (Blinks.) What? (Turns in the direction that Wakaba is
looking. Gasps.) What on Earth...?
(Arisugawa Juri is running towards them with a look of utter
panic on her refined features and behind her is a huge crowd
of girls with chests too large to be natural. Even for Anime
characters. Which is more than a bit scary.)
JURI: (Goes running past. She looks at Wakaba and C-ko
with desperate eyes and shouts.) HELP ME!!!
(Wakaba and C-ko observe as Juri runs off into the distance
with the girl groupies with abnormally large chests chasing
after her the entire way.)
WAKABA: (Looks at C-ko.) What do you think? Should we
help her?
C-KO: (Hearts in her eyes.) Even when chased by a mob of
girls with oversized breasts Juri-sama still looks elegant. I just
love her sense of style and the dignity that she has.
WAKABA: (Sweatdrops.) I guess that's a yes.
C-KO: (Turns oddly aggressive and clenches her hand into a
fist.) Of course it's a yes! We absolutely must be the ones to
save Juri-sama from those horrible girls wrath!
WAKABA: (Dryly.) Wrath? What wrath? They didn't seem
at all wrathful to me. Just awfully horny.
C-KO: (Glares at Wakaba who actually shrinks back from
the power of the other girl's gaze.) I won't allow my secret lust
crush to be molested by girls who come on too strong!
WAKABA: (Blinks.) Your secret what?
C-KO: (Ignores Wakaba.) Come on!
(In a burst of energy, C-ko grabs Wakaba's arm and drags
her off as she goes chasing after Juri.)
SCENE: Some random sidewalk in Ohtori. Kiryuu Touga
walks along the sidewalk holding his laptop computer and
rants loudly to himself. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays
faintly in the background.
TOUGA: (Ranting.) I can't believe that they left me for Juri all
because of my innocent love of online porn! (He pauses to
mull over this.) Perhaps it is a sign, though. It shows that I
made the right decision by choosing online porn over them.
After all, they left me but online porn is still safely at my side.
(Holds his laptop computer up and looks at it with hearts in
his eyes.) Oh, online porn! How much do I love thee? Let me
count the ways!
(When Touga finishes his declaration of love for online porn
he notices three somewhat familiar figures who stand in front
of him. Somewhat because two can only be seen as shadowy
outlines of their true selves.)
SAIONJI: (Notices Touga. Dryly.) Here comes idiocy.
B-KO: (Snorts.) But you're already here, Saionji.
SAIONJI: (Eyes narrow.) Ha ha, funny. Look ahead and you
won't be laughing anymore I'm afraid.
B-KO: (Follows Saionji's gaze. Eyes widen.) Touga! What's
he doing here? Isn't he supposed to be trapped inside of that
stupid elevator?
A-KO: (Shrugs.) Well, it looks like he finally escaped.
B-KO: (Ponders.) I wonder how?
SAIONJI: (Droll tones.) Most likely he jumped out of it and
used his millions of girl groupies as a giant cushion.
B-KO: (Looks at Saionji.) Y'know, sadly enough I think that
escape plan might actually be feasible.
TOUGA: (Sidles up to them.) What's sad about it? I think
that it sounds just like my masterful genius. However, that is
not how I managed to escape from my elevator prison.
A-KO: (Curious.) Oh yeah? Then how did you get out?
TOUGA: (Holds up a hand.) Now is not the time to talk of
such things! Far more important and deadly things are afoot
as we speak! Let us talk of them!
B-KO: (Blinks.) Deadly things? What deadly things?
TOUGA: (Grim tones.) The apocalypse itself.
(There is a long pause of silence as A-ko, B-ko, and Saionji
all look at one another. Finally they give a mutual shrug and
turn back to Touga.)
SAIONJI: (Sounds bored.) And...?
TOUGA: (Shocked.) And? What do you mean and?! Isn't
the end of the world enough?!
A-KO: (Slowly.) Well, normally it would be but we've been
hearing end of the world stuff ever since we entered this
stupid school. I mean, why are you so shocked? As Student
Council President they send you the most letters of all. Why
on Earth should we be scared of them?
TOUGA: (Pulls at his hair. Sounds exasperated.) Not End of
the World, end of the world! I mean the true apocalypse
when I say end of the world!
B-KO: (Puzzles.) You mean the true destiny apocalypse? I
thought Anthy said that all the time not you.
A-KO: (Whispers to B-ko.) The author must be shrinking
Anthy's screen time and giving her lines to Touga.
B-KO: (Scowls.) Stupid author... (Pauses.) Hey! I wonder if
this means that someone else will get to be Utena's main love
interest now?
SAIONJI: (Quirks an eyebrow.) Why? Are you interested?
B-KO: (Scowls deeply at him.) Well, Utena's certainly a lot
better than you and other people on this campus!
TOUGA: (Rants loudly.) None of you are listening to me!!
The apocalypse is coming! The world will end and we all will
die! Now you need to start rioting and destroy Ohtori!
(They all stare at Touga dimly.)
B-KO: (Repeats slowly.) Destroy Ohtori?
A-KO: (Puzzles.) Why would we want to do that?
SAIONJI: (Huffs a bit.) Surely you realize the bill that we
would receive for doing such a thing, Touga-kun.
(On hearing this, Touga can only heave a very heavy sigh and
turn slowly on his heel and walk away.)
TOUGA: (Shakes his head.) Fine, just do whatever you like.
Don't say that I didn't try to warn you.
SAIONJI: (Watches his exit.) Touga seems rather lethargic. I
wonder if we should follow him? In his current state of mind
he might do something out of character.
B-KO: (Dryly.) I hate to tell you this, Saionji, but everything
in this fic is out of character.
A-KO: (Wise tones.) Good point.
SAIONJI: (Frowns.) I still think we should follow him.
B-KO: (Shrugs.) Fine with me. (Looks at Saionji slyly then
adds.) But aren't we awfully concerned about Touga? What
brought this on so suddenly, hmm? I thought your little
interlude with him only happened once.
SAIONJI: (Turns beet red.) It did! And it was innocent I tell
you! Completely innocent!
B-KO: (Slow and skeptical tones.) Right...
A-KO: (Heaves a sigh.) Come on, we better get going before
we end up losing him.
(The group starts off after Touga but just as they begin
walking Arisugawa Juri goes running past them at top speeds.
A large crowd of girl groupies with abnormally large breasts
chases after her along with Shadow Play Girl C-ko and
Shinohara Wakaba.)
SAIONJI: (Blinks.) Wasn't that...?
B-KO: (Growls.) C-ko! That bitch scab! She stole all of the
eerie morals for the even episodes from us!
A-KO: (Groans.) Here we go again...
B-KO: (Clenches a hand into a fist.) Now's the time that we
should finally get our revenge against her! Lets go!
(B-ko goes running after C-ko and watching this departure,
A-ko and Saionji can only shrug before they follow after her
at a more leisurely pace.)
SCENE: The catacombs of Ohtori Academy. The figure of
Kaoru Miki is seen trapped underneath a large pile of crap
that includes his lazyboy recliner, several clocks, a broken
stereo system, and few dozen large screen televisions. He
appears to have lost a severe amount of weight. The Sunlit
Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
MIKI: (Strained tones.) When I get outta here I'm gonna bust
on the ass of every single tampon executive alive...
(Moments after Miki says this he, shockingly enough,
manages to squirm free of his prison. He stands up to reveal
that his body has reverted to it's normal thin and waif like
appearance that gained him so many fans.)
MIKI: (Looks at himself and scowls.) God dammit. Y'know
how long it took me to get that fat? Now I'm gonna have to
go on another all night ding-dong binge.
SCENE: The rooftop of Ohtori Academy's main building.
Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya are arranging a large anvil
on the edge of the building. Takatsuki Shiori watches them
with a bemused look on her rather evil features. The air smells
heavily of CK1. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in
the background.
SHIORI: (Sweatdrops.) So all we have to do to destroy
Ohtori is to drop an anvil on his head? That's it?
MIKAGE: (Nods solemnly.) That's it. With him gone and no
one around to perform his various duties the campus will
surely fall into complete chaos.
MAMIYA: (Dotes on Mikage.) Isn't Mikage-kun smart?
SHIORI: (Sounds skeptical.) I suppose...
MIKAGE: (Excited outburst.) Quiet! Here he come now! We
have to be ready to deliver the final death blow!
SHIORI: (Repeats.) Death blow. (Sighs.) Sheesh.
SCENE: The ground by Ohtori Academy's main building.
Kiryuu Touga is still ranting to himself, unaware of the large
crowd that is behind him. He comes to an abrupt halt as he
sees someone approaching. The Sunlit Garden no longer
plays faintly in the background.
TOUGA: (Gasps.) You! You've finally returned!
(Before Touga can say anything more, Juri and her newfound
girl groupies crash into him. Moments after this, C-ko is
added to the pile along with B-ko. Standing on the sidelines
are A-ko, Saionji, and Wakaba who watch this with rather
droll expressions on their features.)
TOUGA: (From underneath the pile of people.) Ouch...
SAIONJI: (Wisely.) That has to hurt.
WAKABA: (Dry tones.) To say the least.
SAIONJI: (Smirks.) Well, he's on the bottom for once. That's
a nice change of pace.
(Everyone stares at Saionji who looks uncomfortable at the
attention but then, to his relief, a limo pulls up beside them and
manages to distract everyone from him. The door to the limo
opens to reveal a very happy Himemiya Anthy who has a
rather tattered and dazed looking Tenjou Utena standing
directly behind her.)
ANTHY: (Purrs sensuously.) Hello, everyone. Lovely day for
a seduction and debrainwashing isn't it?
UTENA: (Says dimly.) Akio is evil... I hate Akio... he isn't my
Prince... I'm the true Prince... Anthy loves her Prince...
ANTHY: (Purrs at Utena and traces a finger up to her jaw.)
That's exactly right, Utena-sama. You're a good girl.
WAKABA: (Eyes darken. Scowls.) What have you done to
MY Utena-sama this time?!
ANTHY: (Looks innocent.) Nothing, really. I just rid her of
that awful habit she has of worshipping and loving my brother
who is the ultimate evil itself.
WAKABA: (Blinks. Stunned tones.) You mean to say that
Utena-sama doesn't love Akio anymore thanks to you?
ANTHY: (Smug nod.) Exactly right.
WAKABA: (Happy squeal. Glomps Anthy.) Thank you so
much! You're my new idol, Anthy-sama!!
ANTHY: (Forms a wide smile.) This is a good day. Too bad
the apocalypse is coming in two minutes.
SAIONJI: (Blinks.) The apocalypse?
A-KO: (Puzzles.) In two minutes? What do you mean?
ANTHY: (Explains.) Well, in two minutes it will be midnight
and at midnight the new year will begin. Then, as Touga
explains it, the world will come to an end. (She pauses to
crane her head.) Isn't that right, Touga?
TOUGA: (Miraculously frees himself of the pile of people
who were lying on top of him.) Exactly right, Anthy! The
world will come to end because all the computers will stop
working and with that comes the ultimate destruction!
JURI: (Heaves a sigh.) Not this again.
TOUGA: (Glares at Juri.) It's true I tell you! I was given the
information by an agent of evil! This is our destiny!
RANDOM VOICE: (Sounds curious.) Destiny, huh? You
kids are still talking the same. It's nice to see that nothing
changed during my leave of absence.
(Everyone turns to look at this new person with utter awe and
amazement. They never expected to see them again.)
ANTHY: (Stunned.) It's you...
JURI: (Shocked.) You've finally returned...
SAIONJI: (Dazed.) After all of this time...
TOUGA: (Reverent tones.) It's Akira the Janitor!
AKIRA: (Smiles easily.) Hey, kids. How goes it?
(Before anyone can reply a large anvil falls from the sky and
lands on Akira the Janitor, squashing him completely as the
scene fades to black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when
extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm
extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly.
In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for
fun.
Author's note: Heh. Well, this was completely inane and
pointless but I hope it made you laugh. For all of you who
enjoy this series, Atlantis Productions has just recently begun
a radio program of it which is just excellent! If you like my
dinky ramblings then please go to their site listed below and
hear them performed. They did a wonderful job with my little
series and I appreciate their hard work more than words can
say. Please support them.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?!
Will Touga still not be trapped in the elevator?! Is Akira the
Janitor really dead?! Can Juri escape the lustful attentions of
her newfound girl groupies?! And has Utena finally been set
free of Akio's horrible grasp?! Stay tuned!
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to:
http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/index2.html
To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to:
http://michiru.com/atlantis/
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:
AUTHOR: (Sweatdrops.) Eh... well, normally I'd put a quote
here and have the Elevator cast analyze it but I'm going to do
something different this time. You see, I had originally planned
to do an Elevator Christmas special but I got lazy and didn't
finish it in time. So, here is just a hint of what I was going to
put in it if you're curious. Btw, this is what Akio and Dios
were watching on television earlier. I warn you now, it's really,
really, dorky.
The Shiori Who Stole The Juri's Heart
An Obvious Dr. Seuss X-Mas Parody
Revised By: Dreiser
Every person in Ohtori liked the Juri a lot.
But the Shiori, who lived just north of Ohtori, did NOT!
The Shiori hated the Juri!
She hated the Juri the whole season long!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that her head wasn't screwed on right. It could be
perhaps, that her shoes were too tight. But I think that the
most likely reason of all may have been that her heart was two
sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, her heart or her shoes, she stood
there hating the Juri. Staring down from her apartment with a
sour and deep frown at the warmly lighted and French looking
buildings of Ohtori down below.
For she knew that every person in Ohtori, or the smart ones
at least, were busy adoring the Juri now. Watching her fence
and listening to her talk. Why, she would bet they were even
admiring how she walked!
"And they're admiring her even now!" she snarled with a
sneer. "Tomorrow is the day of the big fencing match and if
she wins they'll love her more still! I MUST find some way to
stop them from doing so. But how?"
For, tomorrow, she knew...
...all the Ohtori girls and boys would wake bright and early
before they'd rush to the fencing match! And then! Oh, the
noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That's one thing
she hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then all the people of Ohtori, young and old, would sit down
and watch the Juri duel! And when she won they would feast!
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Ohtori pudding and rare Ohtori beast.
Which was something the Shiori couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN they'd do something she liked least of all! Every
person down in Ohtori, the tall and the small, would stand
close together, with the victory bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the people of Ohtori would
start rhyming! They'd rhyme! And they'd rhyme! And they'd
RHYME! RHYME! RHYME! RHYME!
And the more the Shiori thought of this Ohtori rhyme, the
more the Shiori thought, "I must stop it all this time!"
"Why, for two years I've put up with it now! I MUST stop
this match from ever happening! But HOW?"
Then she got an idea! An awful idea!
THE SHIORI GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Shiori laughed in her throat.
And she pulled out a slinky black dress and put on a pair of
high heels and she chuckled, and she clucked, "What a great
Shiori trick!"
"With this dress and these shoes, I make a seductive looking
type! Just the kind of girl the Juri of Ohtori likes! I'll go down
there in the night and steal her heart then she'll lose all of her
Ohtori fight!"
Chuckling still, the Shiori started down toward Ohtori and the
home of Juri who unlike everyone else, did not snooze this
night.
All their windows were dark. Quiet echoes filled the air. All
the people of Ohtori were all dreaming strange dreams
without care when she came to Juri's little mansion in the
square. "This is stop number one," the Shiori hissed.
And she hiked up her dress, walked to the door, knocked on
it all with her hands clenched into fists.
Then the door opened, slow and right, and revealed the face
of the Juri of Ohtori, who was looking quite nice.
The Shiori's heart began beating fast as she looked at the Juri
who merely gave a small smile and a tilt of her head.
"Hello," said the Juri. "It's nice to meet you I'm sure, but
shouldn't you be in bed? No one stays up these wee hours of
the night but me and you gave me an awful fright. Now why
exactly are you here, my dear?"
But the Shiori was so smart and slick, she thought up a lie and
she thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet Juri," the Shiori said with hearts in her eyes.
"I just had to see you before the big match. I needed to tell
you how I love you so! Because after the match I'm afraid
that from Ohtori I must go!"
And her fib fooled the Juri. Her green eyes turned wide and
seeing this, the Shiori smiled and slunk past the door and into
the Juri's house just as quiet as a mouse.
That night, the Shiori did succeed in her wicked plot and she
managed to steal the Juri's most hidden of hearts.
When the morning, it did come, the Shiori snuck out of the
Juri's bed. But paused for what reason, she had none. But
pause she did and looked at the sleeping girl and the Shiori
found herself feeling sad.
Ignoring these feelings, the Shiori did leave the Juri's little
mansion in the square and head back to her apartment on the
hill. And she contemplated her revenge on Ohtori and the
rhyming which would now stop at will.
For surely the Juri would lose her fencing match now. The
Shiori had stolen her heart, and that was true. Now there was
nothing left for the Juri to do but lose! And when she did all of
Ohtori would be filled with loud boo-hoos!
"That is something," grinned the Shiori. "That I simply MUST
hear!" So she paused. And the Shiori put her hand to her ear.
And she did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in
low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It
couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
She stared down at Ohtori! The Shiori popped her eyes!
Then she shook! What she saw was a shocking surprise!
Every person down in Ohtori, the tall and the small, were
rhyming! It seemed that the Juri had won after all!
She HADN'T stopped the Juri from winning! SHE HAD
WON! Somehow or other, she had won just the same!
And the Shiori, with her head hung down low, stood puzzling
and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"She won without her heart! She won without it all the same!
How can that be? It seems almost insane!" And she puzzled
three hours, till her puzzler was sore.
Then the Shiori thought of something she hadn't thought of
before! "Maybe the Juri," she thought. "Won because I didn't
steal her heart at all. Maybe it was simply another gift from
her after all."
And what happened then...? Well... in Ohtori they say that the
Shiori's small heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute her heart didn't feel quite so tight, she ran
down to Ohtori through the bright morning light! And she ran
to the Juri who smiled and embraced her still!
And she...
...SHE HERSELF!
The Shiori herself carved the Ohtori roast beast at the Juri's
victory feast that night!
And everything in Ohtori was finally right.
-End-
AUTHOR: (Sweatdrops.) I told you it was dorky.