Discussions 8 (The Christmas Carol Version)
(Were in the inner sanctum of Nabiki Tendous bedroom. She's soundly
sleeping. Then a ghost-like figure appears holding a paper bag filled with
air. The figure pops the bag and Nabiki wakes up.)
Nabiki: FIRE! (She looks around.) What? Where? (She looks and theres
Ryo-oh-ki.)
Ryo-ok-hi (waving): Miyaa!
Nabiki: Aaagggh! Its that cat-ghost! (Ryo-oh-ki bonks Nabiki with a
carrot.)
Ryo-ok-hi: Miyaa! Miyaa, miyaa miyaa!
Nabiki: Y-y-you're the ghost of Christmas Past? (Ryo-oh-ki shakes her
head.) Whos past? Mine, or just in general?
Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa.
Nabiki: My past? W-w-why would we want to go back into my past?
Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa, miyaa miyaa. (Ryo-oh-ki pulls Nabiki out of her bed and
into another scene, where we see Soun, and the young daughters crying over
the death of their mother...)
Kasumi (bawling): Mommy!
Akane (bawling): Mommy!
Soun (bawling): Mommy!!! (The two girls stop crying and look over to their
father.)
Kasumi & Akane (crying): Daddy!!!
Nabiki (eyes really wide): Wow, Mommy left me 1000 shares of pretty stock
paper! Daddy, who is this Microsoft?
Ryo-oh-ki (wagging her finger at the older Nabiki): Miyaa, miyaa,
miyaa...miyaa, miyaa.
Nabiki: B-b-but I did cry at Mothers funeral.
Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa, miyaa.
Nabiki: Well...okay, so I was more upset that Daddy buried her gold
bullions in the coffin with her...hey, whats youre point?!
Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa, miyaa, miyaa! Miyaa, miyaa!
Nabiki: I do not just care about money! If I wasn't there, who would pay
the bills? (The scene fast forwards to one where an older Kasumi & Akane
are sitting at home, but the place looks more American. Ranma comes in.)
Ranma: Hey, where's Pop?
Kasumi: Oh, Ranma I don't know. But I believe Father is still at work.
Akane: Yeah, I can't believe its Daddy could hold a job with Michael
Milken for this long...five years, right?
Kasumi: I believe so...
Nabiki (screaming at Ryo-oh-ki): You mean because of my lust for money, I
prevented Daddy from actually getting a decent job?!
Ryo-oh-ki: Mi, miyaa miyaa miyaa. Miyaa miyaa? (She checks her watch.)
Nabiki: I can't believe this how stupid this is. You actually think I
should be less concerned about money? Ha, in these days of Y2K, I hardly
think so.
(Mokona hops in. Ryo-oh-ki waves at Mokona.)
Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa, miyaa miyaa. Miyaa miyaa. Miyaa miyaa miyaa miyaa.
Nabiki: Oh, well I guess I'll just be stuck with this ghost. Bye.
(Ryo-oh-ki leaves.) And who are you?
Mokona: Pu!
Nabiki: The ghost of Christmas Present. (He nods furiously.) Man, for a
ghost, youre are pretty cheerful.
Mokona: Puuu. (Nabiki acks and has a disgusted look towards Mokona.)
Nabiki: Eeww, you eat baby seals? Where are you from?
Mokona: Puuu. (He holds out the Candian flag.)
Nabiki: Figures. Anyway, what do you have to show me, Ive got some sleep
to catch up on...
Mokona: PU! (The scene ripples to the Kunos living room.)
Nabiki: Wow...the Kunos crib. Looks cool. (Takewaki & Kodachi appears,
Kodachi wearing nothing but leaves with berries and Takewaki wearing his
traditional samurai gear.)
Kodachi: With this mistletoe costume, I'm sure that my Ranma-sama will
kiss me! Hohohohohohoho!
Takewaki: Dearest sister, if you hadn't been in such a rush, you would
have known that is poison ivy rather than mistletoe. (Kodachi screams and
runs away. He sighs.) Truly, my sister is a dim-wit. However, my desires
for a perfect Christmas shall be complete once I have defeated my enemy.
(Mokona and Nabiki lean next to fireplace.)
Nabiki (grinning): What a smuck, thinking that Ranma has both of 'em girls
under his spell...well, as long as he will think that...
Mokona: Pu! (Kuno turns arounds and bows to the spirit.)
Takewaki: Thank ye, spirit for showing me thy error. (He faces Nabiki with
a very stern look. Nabiki's face turns white.) Nabiki! Prepare for thy
doom! Thanks to this spirit, he hath shoneth to me that thy are the witch
who cast a spells on my pig-tailed goddess and your fair sister, not
Ranma. He is innocent! Innocent!
Nabiki (backing away from Takewaki): Kuno-baby...wait (she starts to
big-sweat) Wait! (screams at Mokona) Wait! I thought we were spirits, and
we couldnt be seen! Please! Don't kill me! (Nabiki runs around the room,
with Takewaki hot on her heels.) Please! Let me explain!
Takewaki: No explaination is necessary demon! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Nabiki: Waaaaahhhh!!!
(Takewaki gets closer and closer and switchs his kitana through
Nabiki...and she wakes up in her room, big-sweating.)
Nabiki (wide-eyed): Aaahhhh! (She looks around. Shes in her own room.)
Man...I, I thought I was having a nightmare.
Woman's voice: And it's not over yet. (Nabiki looks up to see a spirit
dressed in a blue kimono, looking somewhat like Kasumi, Nabiki & Akane in
parts...)
Nabiki (big-sweating): MOTHER! W-w-w-what are you doing here?
Nabiki's Mother: Well, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future. And youve been
a very bad girl.
Nabiki: B-b-but Mommy!
Nabiki's Mother: You have been very bad, isn't that right, Pikachu?
(Pikachu appears.)
Pikachu: Pika. (He waves.)
Nabiki: S-s-so why are you here, besides to torment me like this?
Nabiki's Mother: Well, you never call, you never pray, write...you, of all
of the girls, were the one who forgot about me the most. And you are the
one everyone else arounds you thinks of you the least. In fact, that will
hurt you in the long run, if things don't change...as early as next July.
Nabiki: Next July!!!
Nabiki's Mother: Yes, you don't have to scream. (She waves her
arms.) Behold your fate...
(The bedroom ripples into a tropical jungle. Ranma, Kasumi, Nabiki, Soun,
Akane, Shampoo Mousse, Cologne, Ukyou, Nodoka, and Ryouga are surrounded
by a bunch of pokemon animals holding BFG. Ryo-oh-ki reappears with
Genma-panda.)
Nodoka: So, husband? (Genma holds up a sign reading, "They'll let us go if
we..." He flips the sign. It now reads, "...let one of us to be sacrificed
to worship the great god of the carrot.")
Soun: Oh...is that all? (Genma holds up another sign reading, "And they
would prefer it to be a virgin.") Oh, if that's case, we'll let them
sacrifice Nabiki.
Nabiki (eyes dilate): WHAT?! Daddy, are you nuts?!
Kasumi: I agree with Father. We can do without Nabiki.
Cologne: She's collateral.
Shampoo: Mercenary girl Shampoo can do without.
Akane: Then, we could use her money so that Ryouga and I can get married,
right P-chan?
Ryouga (who starts to have nose-bleeding problems): Um, yeah...sure.
(Ranma, Mousse and Ukyou ties up Nabiki and hands her to the pokemons. As
Nabiki is carried to the sacrifical pit...)
Nabiki: What?! Y-y-you all hate me!!! Oooh...you're gonna get it! Ranma!
It's all your fault!!! (Her voice fades as she leaves.)
Ranma (sighs): Well, that's that. (He looks at the pokemons who has stayed
behind.) Can you all directs us to the Caves of Inuyasha?
Mewtwo: I will be glad to direct you. (He looks at Ukyou.) Say...are you
single? (The troupe leaves as Ukyou and Mewtwo talk. Nabiki's Mother and
Nabiki slide out from the branches. Nabiki is stunned.)
Nabiki: Hiya...Homina...
Nabiki's Mother: You see child? Your blantant selling of their souls and
bodies caused them to think of you as nothing more than chaff. One of
Akane's dinners. A pimp. And thus, when it came down to it, they had no
problem to get rid of you. (Nabiki starts to cry.) And don't cry, child.
(Nabiki grabs onto her kimono. Pikachu leaps on Nabiki and shocks her.)
Pikachu: Pika...pikachu!
Nabiki's Mother: Please, child. I hate to see my child grovel at my feet.
It isn't nice.
Nabiki (sobbing): (sniff) P-p-p-please tell me w-w-what can I do to not
make this happen...I don't wanna die!
Nabiki's Mother: Well, since you asked, I will tell you. You need to be
more nice, more thoughtful, and get a husband for god sakes. And help your
older sister more often. Heck, learn how to cook and to do more womanly
things. You're more a tomboy than Akane is.
Nabiki: B-b-but thats s-s-so degrading! (She sobs some more. Her mother
consoles her a bit.)
Nabiki's Mother: Well, I'm not asking you to become a housewife. I'm
asking you to be more like a human being and less of a bitch. That's
all...(she looks at her watch.) Well, it's time for you to wake up.
Pikachu?
Pikachu: Pika, pikachu! (He jumps on her and shocks her. Suddenly Nabiki
wakes up with her fingers stuck in an electrical outlet. She's thrown to
the other side of the room and she looks rather frazzled.)
Nabiki (panting): Waaahh! (She looks around. Its daybreak. She rubs her
head.) Man, what a dream...
(The ghosts appear through a wall, and Nabiki leaps in the air.)
Ryo-oh-ki: Miyaa!
Mokona: Pu!
Pikachu: Pika!
Nabiki's mother: That wasn't a dream, daughter! (They all exit the room.)
(Nabiki scratches her head. She gets up and looks in her closet, and there
she sees a white dress that is very, very dusty.)
Nabiki: Hmm...I wonder if I could still wear that dress...(She pulls out
the dress and examines it on her.) Hmm...
(Next scene: The Tendou family dining room in a traditional Christmas
decor. Except Genma and Nodoka are smooching underneath the mistletoe.
Akane sneezes.)
Akane: Um, Auntie Nodoka? Panda-butt? Could you two please go kiss
someplace else, I have to help Kasumi make her cookies. (She turns around
and makes a gag-me face to Ranma. He nods and turns away from the
smooching parents.)
Nabiki's voice: Hey, sis. Don't worry about that. I'll help oneechan.
(Ranma and Soun peer from the next room as Nabiki comes down wearing a
white dress with a big gold bow in her hair. Kasumi looks amazed as she
sees Nabiki. Akane gasps.)
Kasumi: Oh, my...
Nabiki: Say, eldest sister, could I help you in the kitchen?
Kasumi: Nabiki? You want to help me in the...uuuh! (Kasumi faints.)
Soun (crying): Nabiki! What did you say to cause my Kasumi to faint!
(Nabiki smiles and shrugs.)
Nabiki: Well, I just said I wanted to help her in the Kitchen? (She turns
to see Soun faint on Ranmas lap.) Daddy? Daddy!!!
Ramna (waving his arms, his tongue is sticking out): Hey, could ya help
me? I can't feel my legs!!! (Akane rushes over to help pull her fathers
head away from Ranma.)
Akane: Ugh! Daddy needs to go on a diet. (She turns to Nabiki): Say...who
are you and where did Nabiki go?
Nabiki: Um...well, I had three ghosts and the Spirit of Mom visit me last
night...and if I don't do something quick youd sacrifice me on a virgin
altar by July or else...(She slaps her face.) Oh, no! Kuno-baby's gonna
kill me! Hell think that I'm the one who put that curse on his pig-tailed
goddess! And you, Akane! (Akane finally drops her fathers head causing him
to crash into the floor. Ranma feels Nabiki's head.)
Akane: Is she okay?
Ranma: Well, she doesn't have a fever...but I gotta think she ain't that
well...
(Nabiki runs out and runs towards the Kuno estate, but bumps into Kuno on
the way there.)
Takewaki: Forsoothe! Truly, if mine eyes has deceived me, it is the
treacherous Nabiki Tendou, in a dress...(in a quieter voice) And they
think I'm delusional...
Nabiki: Kuno-baby! Don't kill me!
Takewaki: Why should I kill thee?
Nabiki: Because you'd think that I'm the one who put the spells on Akane
and that pig-tailed girl.
Takewaki: Verily, I think thou art joking. Or that cursed Saotome has
enchanted you as well...which is just as much, I suppose. But, what brings
you here, mercenary?
Nabiki: Um, Merry Christmas? (Takewaki blinks.) Kuno? Kuno-baby?
Takewaki: Art thou really Nabiki? You look like Nabiki and you quack like
Nabiki...are you really a duck instead?
Nabiki: No, Takewaki, its me. Nabiki.
Takewaki: Really? Well, I suppose I should give you this then for your
curtesy. (He holds up a diamond necklace.) It's one of those millienum
diamonds, 25 carats too. Its also suppose to show the wearer his or her
true love, and I, the Blue Thunder, was hoping to give it to show my real
live to that pig-tailed goddess. But, since you are the first person ever
to wish me a Merry Christmas I shall give it to you instead. Enjoy. (He
gives the necklace to her. And Nabiki wears it. Suddenly, her eyes get
really wide, and suddenly she tackles Kuno down to the ground and starts
to kiss the boy really well, as in French kissing. Suddenly, Nabiki sits
up in bed, clutching her sheets, big-sweating.)
Nabiki: Oh, no! Not another...wait a minute, this isn't my bed! (Takewaki
stirs and looks over at Nabiki. The sheets drop a bit revealing Nabiki in
all her glory.)
Takewaki: Um, Nabiki, weren't you going to see what the pregnacy test was
going to say?
Nabiki (sweating): Um, sure. (She reaches over to the table and looks at
the somewhat complicated caption. Theres a little window with a very dark
shade of purple in it.) Say, Takewaki...it's purple. What does it mean?
(Takewaki looks over to his side and reads the instructions.)
Takewaki: Purple indicates that you are pregnant and with more than one
child. The darker the purple, the more children you will have. (He drops
the box and looks at Nabiki. She looks back at him. As we move from the
bedroom to a airal view of Nermia...)
Nabiki's voice: Children? I'm pregnant?
Takewaki's voice: With more than one child of different sexes. Oh,
no...(They both scream, waking up the neighborhood. Then Nabiki's Mother
pops onto the scene, pumping her fist.)
Nabiki's Mother: One down and two more to go!
---Finis---
Authors Note: Nothing like a cheesy TNT movie with Patrick Stewart to get
one into the holidary mood. Anyway, here's hoping that everyone on the
mailing list has a wonderful holiday season, regardless if you've already
celebrated it or not.
---Andrew