The Fanfic Formerly Known As....
by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE
Part Thirtyseven - The Box, The Clothes Dryer and The Ball
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Scene: An empty room, save for a box, sitting in the middle, minding
its own business. Suddenly, from out of the darkness, Miyu, the
vampire girl with chronic depression, and her sidekicks, Larva the
masked bish and Shiina the odd pink bunny-thing with the spiny tails
and the evil eye hidden by a floppy ear, make a flying leap into the
room to confront the box.
Miyu: Shinma Box! You cannot escape us now!
Box: .....
Miyu: .....
Box: .....
Miyu: .....
Box: .....
Shiina: Something tells me this one isn't going to put up a
fight.
Miyu: Never judge a Shinma by its appearance, Shiina. This
Shinma was single handedly responsible for all the items
that have gone missing in various shipments across the
world!
Shiina: .....
Larva: .....
Box: .....
Shiina: And so.... how does this threaten us?
Miyu: It stole my life-size model of Trowa Barton. I won't....
I cannot.... forgive it for such a crime.
Shiina: Oh, right.... So, you're gonna thug on a Shinma box just
for stealing one of your life-size models of pretty boys,
are you?
Miyu: Damn straight! This is personal.
Larva: Umm.... You always have me.
Miyu: Oh yes, right. I can stare at your wonderful mask all
day and drool. Very sexy. Makes me feel like I'm having
a relationship with Klytus from Flash Gordon.
Larva: Well, I could take my mask off.
Miyu: Then all the other cows on the face of the planet have an
opportunity to drool over you. No, YOU stay in that
mask.
Larva: You can never please some people.
Shiina: I told you there was something fishy about that last
batch of AB negative.... It's made her go kinda strange.
Larva: It was from a reputable dealer.
Miyu: ENOUGH!
Miyu turns back to the box.
Miyu: Shinma Box! I will send you back to the dark!
And with that, Miyu pulls a dangling lightcord, plunging everything
into darkness. After a few moments, there is a crashing noise and a
short yelp, and the light returns as Larva switches the light back
on. Miyu is on the floor, face down, after having tripped over the
box. Larva, Shiina and the box sweatdrop.
Larva: Yeah, you're right. There definitely WAS something about
that last batch of AB negative.
At that moment, from the surrounding darkness, there is a high-
pitched, feminine laugh, and Reiha, Miyu's regular nemesis and high
class annoyance, complete with equally annoying ventriloquist doll,
comes floating towards Miyu with a mocking expression.
Reiha: Oh dear, we do seem to be having some problems with the
Shinma, don't we, Miyu?
Miyu lifts her face from the floor and scowls at Reiha.
Miyu: What dragged you out of bed at this time of night, hmm?
Did your contract with Outlaw Star expire, or something?
Reiha: Oh my oh my oh my.... How vulgar. I thought I'd just
check on how my dear Miyu was going in her role as the
Guardian, and gloat for long enough that I'd get a bit
more exposure.
Miyu: You glory hog. You always have to make a big production
out of everything.
Reiha: Are you calling me an attention seeker?
Miyu: Anyone who carries around a stupid ventriloquist doll to
say all the nasty things they want to say, themselves,
has to have a few screws loose in the head. I'd say
attention seeking has been the least of your problems.
Reiha: Liar! I'm seeing a therapist. And besides, your the one
who keeps forgetting her Prozac. All that bullshit about
'never forgetting the past' and stuff, and you forget
something as simple as your bloody medication. Jesus,
what a right loser.
At this point, Shiina jumps up alongside Miyu and points at the box.
Shiina: Miyu! I think this is a Western Shinma!
Miyu: What makes you say that?
Miyu turns to the box. On the side there is the stamp "Made in New
York".
Miyu: Well, I think we can safely say that there isn't much of
a threat from this box.
Shiina: Except to your bish collection.
Reiha: Yeah, the little cow. She promised me a complete
life-size collection of the Suzaku Shichiseishi....
Shiina: She did?
Miyu: That's why she hates me so much.... They ran out of
Hotohoris before I could get her one.
Reiha: I notice she managed to get one for herself, though.
Miyu: Oh, go away and molest your Nuriko again, damn you! I'm
busy.
Suddenly, the double doors to the room open up, and Minako enters,
carrying a broom. She stops when she sees them.
Minako: Oi, you lot! What are you doing in here?
Miyu stands, picking up Shiina and placing him on her shoulder.
Miyu: Um.... We're just practicing for the next episode of
'Baka Kyuuketsuki Miyu'. We won't be very long, I
promise.
Minako: You won't be very long cos you're gonna be leaving now.
We got a chapter of 'Waiting for Minako' to produce here
within minutes.
Larva: What? You mean they've changed the name back, or
something?
Minako: You reckon everyone can remember the new title? Everyone
still calls the bloody thing 'Waiting for Minako',
despite the name change, so we don't bother trying to
dissuade them.
Miyu: Are you sure we can't spend just a little longer on our
lines? We're behind schedule as it is.
Minako: Look, you've been caught out by the WfM readers
practicing.... You're now, officially, characters within
the WfM series. Try hanging around Hades for a while.
You'll probably get an opportunity to do your series
there, whilst DDFA thinks of something interesting to
throw us poor Sailorsenshi into.
Miyu: Awwwww....
Minako: No buts.... And please, refrain from biting all the
bishonens in the network bar, theres a good girl....
Miyu, Larva, Shiina, Reiha and the box trudge defeatedly from the
room, giving Minako dirty looks as they go by. The box pauses,
giving her its best boxy stare.
Box: You know how hard it is for a box to get a good role,
these days, hmm? You know how hard. This was gonna be
my big break, playing a Shinma.... You have no heart,
you know that, blondie?
Minako: Go on, get outta here.
Box: It's gonna be blond jokes amongst the boys in the
warehouse from now on, bitch. You have been warned.
Before Minako can thump the box with her broom, it skittles away,
out through the open door. Minako shakes her head and starts
sweeping up after them as workmen come in and start to set up the
set for this chapter of WfM.... A ruined office in the Headquarters
of Hades. Minako leaves just as Kei and Yuri enter. The pair give
her a strange look as they pass, then quickly huddle in a quiet
corner of the room.
Kei: How much longer are we going to keep up this subterfuge.
Yuri: Wow! You managed to pronounce subterfuge right.
Kei: DDFA spellchecks almost everything he sends out. Anyway,
are you trying to call me stupid?
Yuri: Not in so many words, no.
Kei: Ah, right. Anyway, are we going to expose ourselves in
this chapter.
Yuri: I'm sure the male readership certainly hope so.
Kei: Not that, you fool. With what we're wearing, we're
exposed enough as it is. I'm talking about our true
identities.
Yuri: DDFA has given away enough clues as to who we truly are.
Kei: That guy has all the subtlety of a Targian Warg
Strangler. Whatever that is.
Yuri: You've been watching too much Blakes 7, that's your
problem.
One of the set builders walks up to them, and they turn to him,
smiling.
Kei: Yes?
Builder: You girls ready? It's time for the chapter to start.
Yuri: Almost.... Can you give us a little time?
The builder sighs and turns to the other set builders.
Builder: Oi, fellas.... The chicks say they want a bit of time
to prepare for the scene.
The builders groan in unison, and one of them, shaking, exits the
room. After a few moments, he re-enters with Usagi, Koenma, Mokona,
Pikachu and Chu-Chu.
Usagi: But this isn't the set we were using in our last
appearance.
Builder2: It doesn't matter. Our two... "stars"... say they need a
little time before they can do the scene, so you might as
well get yours over and done with.
The second builder whistles to one of his co-workers.
Builder2: Oi, Lazar! Bring in the Cosmic Clothes Dryer.
Builder3: You don't mean.... THAT Cosmic Clothes Dryer, do you?
Builder2: How many bloody Cosmic Clothes Dryers do you know of?
The third set builder shrugs and goes out of the room, then comes
back in, wheeling the Cosmic Clothes Dryer. The set builders then
leave the room, closing the doors behind them.
Koenma: Och, lassie, will ye look at this. It's jus' what we
need ta fight agin those whee harridans who're attackin'
the Headquarters.
Kei: Who are you calling harridans?
Koenma: Oi, leggit! You aren't here.
Kei: Sorry.
Kei and Yuri disappear behind one of the sets.
Usagi: Looks like a clothes dryer to me.
Koenma: Aye, lassie, but this be no ordinary clothes dryer. This
be the Cosmic Clothes Dryer.
Usagi: The Cosmic Clothes Dryer?
Koenma: Aye, I said that already, didn't I?
Mokona: Puu.
Mokona jumps on top of the Cosmic Clothes Dryer as Pikachu and Chu-
Chu stare through the small window portal in the door. Mokona
starts jumping around, gesticulating.
Mokona: Pu pupu pu pupupu!
Koenma: Aye, you beastie, I kin understan' yer misgivins 'bout
usin' this whee contraption, but this be a serious
matter, upon which the very existence of Hades is a stake
n'all.
Usagi: Just what IS the Cosmic Clothes Dryer?
Koenma: Och, this a long story. Y'see, this once used ta be
nothin' more than a plain Fisher n' Paykel. An item of
whitegoods no different than any other. However, tha
person who wrote tha maintenance manual fer the wee
thing was inta transcendental meditashun, ya see, and
penned most o' the manual whilst in a state o' spiritual
bliss.
Usagi: And so, what does this have to do with this machine?
Koenma: Well, ya see, lassie, during this particular sesshun, he
accidenally stumbled on tha formula tha' holds the
universe together, whilst writin' down the bit abou' the
dryer's belt drive. One day, this serviceman comes along
when called ta fix the machine's belt drive, an' he uses
tha manual. Before anyone knew what was happenin', the
thing had busted its way through twelve dimensions, and
was workin' on a thirteenth before they pulled out tha
plug.
Usagi: Incredible!
Koenma: Tha's nothin', lassie. You should see what tha thing
kin do when its got its lint filter in.
Usagi, Mokona, Pikachu and Chu-Chu facefault. They pick themselves
up whilst sweatdropping.
Usagi: Ano... so what can we do with this machine?
Koenma: The two yon girlies who are attackin' our headquarters
are trained n' tough.... Too good for our people. We
need a weapon tha' even they have no defence against.
this be just such a weapon.
Usagi: .....
Koenma: .....
Usagi: .....
Koenma: .....
Usagi: Ano... so what can we do with this machine?
Koenma: .....
Usagi: .....
Koenma: *Sigh* Let me explain, clearly, like. With this
machine, we can zap those lassies inta another dimension,
so they won't be able ta come back.
Usagi: But.... But that's MONSTROUS.
Koenma: Desperate times call fer desperate measures.
Usagi: But.... I mean.... Have you actually thought of asking
them what they want?
Koenma: .....
Usagi: .....
Koenma: Lassie, you can go down and try ta ask them what they
want, n' get yer head knocked in like everyone else.
Usagi: Yeah, you're righ about that. I suppose it can't hurt to
try, considering I don't know who they are.
Meanwhile, in the now-deserted and very much trashed offices of
Hades Headquarters....
Kei: Is it our turn, yet?
Everyone: YEEEEES.
Kei and Yuri pop out from behind the sets, watching all members of
the previous scene file out, taking the Cosmic Clothes Dryer with
them. Yuri holds her clenched hands up to her face, miserable.
Yuri: A Cosmic Clothes Dryer! I wanted one of them.
Kei: Why? You might be more interested in that kind of thing
than I am, but you still have the IQ of a kilo of mince.
Yuri sighs and takes a hold of her hair, pulling off a mask to
reveal.... Ami.
Ami: This is why, stupid. Now take off that mask before I
take it off for you.
Makoto sighs and pulls the Kei mask off.
Ami: And what was that line about having "the IQ of a kilo of
mince"? Are you trying to get back at me for calling you
stupid?
Makoto: Are you calling me stupid?
Makoto ranges up on Ami.
Ami: Would you beat me senseless if I said yes?
Makoto: Yes.
Ami: Well, I'm not calling you stupid, okay?
Makoto: That's better.
Ami: Anyway, why did we have to break into this place
incognito. These clothes are breezy.
Makoto: Well, it's not the kind of thing we normally get up to,
trashing large portions of infrastructure. If we charged
in as someone who usually does, nobody is going to think
ill of us, are they?
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: Ooooookay....
Makoto: Enough of this! We still have to find our target.
Ami: I don't like the idea of this. It makes me feel like
some trashy hired killer.
Makoto: Well, you certainly LOOK the part at the moment.
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: Can we find some more conservative attire. I'm feeling
kind of chilly at the moment.
Makoto pauses, then points above Ami's head.
Makoto: Kami shit!
Ami: What?
Ami looks up. Floating exactly a foot above her is a floating,
glowing, glass-like ball.
Ami: What is it?
Makoto: I dunno, but I'm glad it chose your head to float over.
Ami: Why?
Makoto: Floating balls are passé.
Ami: Oh, you!
Ami huffs and squats down to see what the ball will do. The ball
drops in time with her head, still floating exactly a foot above.
She stands up, and the ball maintains its distance. Makoto,
curious, taps the ball, which makes a glass-like ring, and reacts
by glowing several different colours, but nothing more.
Makoto: Well, I have to say, it hardly looks threatening.
Ami: Oh, you can tell that just by looking at it, can you?
Makoto: It hasn't done anything to you, yet. And it looks rather
contented, floating above your head like that.
Ami: Well, of course, it isn't YOUR head its floating above,
is it? So you can feel rather calm about all of this.
Makoto: Don't upset it. You don't know what it'll do if you talk
ill of it.
Ami: Easy for you to say. I now have a somewhat permanent Ami
detection device hanging over my head. We're supposed to
be sneaking through this place. How am I going to duck
for cover with this thing stuck over me?
Makoto: You could ask it nicely to float a little lower.
Ami growls and bows forward. The ball follows the angle of her head
and brains Makoto one, who clutches her head with a yelp. Ami
stands back up, the ball once more returning to its original
position.
Ami: At least it has ONE use.
Makoto: That hurt, you know.
Makoto rubs her scalp, painfully.
Ami: You deserved it.
Suddenly, there is a growling behind one of the half-trashed
counters in the office. A large, tentacled monster leaps out at
them, ready to kill or do whatever else it would find rather
interesting. But since this isn't a tentacle hentai fic, you're
not going to be so lucky. :P
Makoto manages to leap out of the way, but Ami is transfixed as
the monster makes a slo-mo arc towards her. Within seconds, the
ball glows brilliantly and launches a volley of energy beams at
the creature, which explodes into a million fragments, splattering
over everything, including Ami and Makoto. The ball then returns
to its normal, contented floating.
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: .....
Makoto: .....
Ami: Looks like we're going to need a shower as well as new
clothes. Eeeewwww....
The pair look at the slimy mess down their fronts, and break out
into tears....
END OF PART 37
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Will Miyu and Co get their own series? Will Koenma really use the
Cosmic Clothes Dryer? What is the true nature of the ball floating
over Ami's head? Who gave the Olympic Games to Sydney, and why? Is
Beamish Red DDFA's drink of choice, and if so, how much of it does
he down whilst writing this fic? If you have the answers to any of
these questions, or some questions to go along with these answers,
please don't bother DDFA with them, as he's probably too plastered
at the moment to care. ^_^ But just in case they might be answered
(fat chance) please read the next chapter of "The Fanfic Formerly
Known As...." Hiding underneath a Christmas Tree near you. And
with good reason, considering the number of international
regulations it has breached, already....
_________
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)
/ / ^ ^ \ \ darkdayforanime@hotmail.com
/</ w \>\ He sees you when you're sleeping....
\/ \/ He knows when you're awake....
\___________/ But I think he's weird and creepy....
/_/ \_\ PU So I'm taking out and injunction....
TROGGLE 1.0 - 10.39pm Thursday, 23rd December 1999